Lindsayism.com

Thsrsly?

Now there's Thsrs, a thesaurus for finding shorter words. "It's especially useful for Twitter." Which reminds me that I need to designate a person to shoot me if I ever use a Thesaurus for Twitter. But mainly, this is amusing, from the comment thread about Thsrs bugs:

Unintentionally Funny All Over the Place

* There is a guy counting to a million. Of course. Gabe: "Our children are going to hate us so hard for the way we wasted the internet." Also Gabe: "I'm excited for when we put the internet in the garbage and walk away" (but he says this every time I send him a link to anything.)

* Arthur Bradford plays a practical joke at a wedding, and it is funny.

* Top 10 Unintentionally Funny TV Intros. (via Last Stop)

* 100 Things Funny: "Connie, the oldest horse said "Let's play a drinking game and a smoking game" (Update: Link fixed)

Snowclones are the New Joke Templates

(...At least in my head)

Today I learned from the Mental Floss blog that the things I refer to as "joke templates" actually have a real name: snowclones. And a wikipedia entry.

Here are a few that I don't see on there:

"There but for the grace of God goes X" (X being "person more ridiculous than person being described", based on "There but for the grace of God goes John Ritter", which I believe was used to describe Dan Quayle in the early 90's but I can't find it on Google! I use this a lot.)

"First they came for the X but I was not an X so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Y but I was not a Y..." Famous quote from a poem about Germans before WWII, attributed here. I first saw this used as a joke template  snowclone on Gawker in 2003 or 2004 by Choire Sicha and thought it was hilarious, but now I can't even find it because it's been imitated so many times (I'm not saying Choire originated its re-appropriation, but it was the first time I saw it used and have seen it a MILLION times since.)

"X, so much to answer for." (obvs)

"I Xd in my Y a little"  or  "I Xd a little bit in my Y" (obvs)

"Oh yes, there will be X" (Tagline for Saw II: "Oh yes, there will be blood.") This has been done to death, so to speak, including by me. I think there could actually be a cookie shop called "Oh Yes, There Will Be Cookies"  by this point. (Immediate self-correction: what I just said is too close to this for coincidence. Oops.)

I'm going to keep an eye out for more (but I stop short at doing whatever one needs to do to edit wikipedia entries. I have a job.)

ahhhhhh!!!!

If this is a real animal, my mind is totally blown:

I'm going up on my roof now and don't feel like following links, but omg, if it is real?!! THE EARS?!!!?

told you so told you so (told you told you told you so)

• Way to call it Mark!! While everyone else was going the other way.
• Video: Doogie Howser, MD, intro. Think about it: Doogie Howser was the original blogger! (Sort of)
• Video: Al Franken on Solid Gold as Mick Jagger.

"it's like...indoor New Jersey"

I'm being a business hippie today, but here are a couple funny things:

• Photos of Leto attacking. The teeth are so canine. Also, even I'm starting to get bored. Just kidding, I'll never get bored.
• This is funny: Zack Kahn's latest video cameo: Saw.

If you don't vote Republican, you're an all wet nogoodnik scrub!

Go here and click "listen to the ads"

I'm partial to #17. But then, I'd snuff my own seed toot sweet!

GET A FIRST LIFE!

• Poor bastard of the week.
• The last seven websites Carson Daly visited, including Deadspin. (And of course he includes his own.)
• Six word stories: I kinda think William Gibson (and others) could have done better.
• Like, really? Do I have to? Can't I just be a regular person who...guys? Where did everyone go? Sigh. Nobody tell the Unabomber.

(Last two links from fimoculous)

Update re: title line: I am (only) the 114th person to say that.

and it's not even funny

Dear Gmail Person Or Robot Whose Job It Is To Change the 'Funny Quote of the Day' Clip at the Top of Everyone's Gmail Inbox,

It's been this every day for the last two months:

Funny Quote of the Day - Samuel Goldwyn - "I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it."

I'm watching you.

maybe he's friends with pro-life Pete

Best Gawker comment ever, for this post:

JulianWells says:

What you have posted looks like a parody of the alleged Pynchon post. (Check the quotes on Slate.)

07/20/06 04:22 PM

It does look like a parody. Nice detective work, Julian!

occasional pot smoker still has job; friends call it "miracle"

* Hot Topic is selling buttons that say "Pink Is the New Stupid." Seriously. (via thighswideshut)

* Surprise, not The Onion: "Miracle Child" of Public Drinker Gets Full Scholarship to MIT

* There is something extremely relaxing about watching this elephant-sanctuary live streaming video.

* Emily: "I can't believe they think I'm a yuppie!"

the original dance dance revolution

I was searching for pictures of Bigfoot (long story, just got a "forest" photo wall mural that I want to insert a pic of Bigfoot into) and found this.

HOW AWESOME IS THAT? I really really want it so I can reenact that scene from "Big" with my friends (or, more likely, make a new friend based on his or her willingness to reenact that scene from "Big" with me.) But alas, I don't think it will fit in my apartment. And I don't know how to play piano with my feet.

Instead, let's just all watch that scene from "Big" together. And remember.

rated arrrrrr

* The hilarious Mandy Stadtmiller reviews "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Pirates"

* For others who are Glamour-Shots-obsessed: The Glamster Dance! Related: my old Glamour Shots.

* Ikeahacker

* Speaking of pirates, next Tuesday is the Hamstravaganza, a ham-and-pirate-themed party on a boat with comedians.

hangin' on the beach of the great salt lake

Wholesome Swimwear: because Mormons need to swim, too!

Also, I just thought of a Mormon pickup line:

"I'm not wearing any special underwear."

don't miss "johnny depp"

Last week, Kambri sent me to this amazing site where I was enthralled for, well, minutes, but that's a lot of web-enthrallment for me: celebrity lookalikes for hire. Like Unfortunate David Schwimmers 1:

And 2:

And Julia Roberts:

These aren't even close to being the funniest ones, I just got tired of uploading photos on a free site because of blogger sucking. The site must be fully explored to be appreciated.

UPDATE: Apparently this was on CityRag in April, I have no idea how I missed it!

My Own Private Average Joe

So last night I finally took that match.com physical attraction test everyone keeps sending around, and according to my report, these dudes are my type:

and

I had to take the test three times to get it to stop telling me I like preppy jocks. Yeah, sounds unscientific, but the fact is nearly all of the choices were unattractive because I didn't like their haircuts and I kept having to squint and imagine them with better hair and holding guitars. I picked one guy just because he looked vaguely British and I like British music.

The hardest part of the test was "choose the men you think would be attracted to you." What is that? How do you do that? Pick the ones who look gayest? So then I get to the part that tells me I'm "very picky." It offers this advice: "Let others fight over the "movie stars" and you'll find a more unique guy who can be your own personal "hunk." Um, thank you, but this is just a fun little test that's not to be trusted because of all the bad hair. I'm not going to base my life on it, thank you very much.

I've been told often that my taste in women sucks, so I decided to take the test as if I was a man attracted to women, and my friend Glenn would take it too, and we'd compare scores. For half an hour or so, the room was filled with the sounds of rejection, as Glenn and I took turns unceremoniously dismissing the uglier candidates, clicking their pictures like that game "whack-a-mole" and yelling "gone!" "unattractive!" "ew!" "woof!" It was interesting to see how we differed in our choices.

The best part was when we got to the body shape part where you have to choose between two female bodies, and I insisted that the two we were looking at were absolutely identical, but Glenn saw them as completely different.

The test has infinite possibilities for parody, particularly the part of the test where you see an array of constantly changing photos and you have to click on them as fast as you can to either choose or unchoose them. Off the top of my head, throwing in a few drag queens, mentally challenged adults, michael jackson, jeffrey dahmer, and an animal or two could lead to hilarious results on the report page.

The test just goes way too fast to make good choices - hence my original misdiagnosis as a lover of football-playing fratboys. For the record, it also said that I don't like men over 30, and that I don't like men under 30, so there are some obvious kinks to work out. The biggest problem with the test is that one doesn't choose potential mates based on basic looks. At least girls don't.

The first two times I took the test, I took forever to make choices because I kept trying to read their faces to figure out their personalities, intelligence, taste in music, sense of humor, and politics. Realizing that I couldn't tell those things from a picture, I had to fall back on the only guarantee: a pretty face. So this test doesn't really work. But it sure was fun!