Lindsayism.com

Ritalin Readings is THIS MONDAY

This Monday, February 4, at 8 pm at The Slipper Room! We have the venue for the entire night so there will be a MIXER afterwards! Produced by Jon Friedman and hosted by me and Gabe Delahaye. This month's lineup:

Sara Schaefer
John Sellers
Bex Schwartz
Jane Borden
Jason Roeder

Ritalin Readings
Monday, February 4th
8PM
5$
The Slipper Room
167 Orchard St (at Stanton)

Let Me Get This Straight...

I just got an email from a research company with whom I did a focus group a long time ago:

[COMPANY] is looking for select women who live in Manhattan only between the ages of 30 and 39 who use a (brand) (DISPOSABLE) Razor to shave their legs most often to participate in an interview and a SHAVING DEMONSTRATION IN YOUR HOME. This also involves a razor product trial, the product will be mailed out to you.

The discussion will take place in your home in Manhattan on Wednesday February 13th at 1:00pm and will last 2 hours.
The interviews are conducted by women and you will be videotaped doing a shaving demonstration.
You will receive a cash incentive of $175.00 for your participation.

At first you wonder about the people who let strangers come over and shave them for two hours on videotape (presumably in a tub), and then you feel really bad for the people who have to go over and shave strangers.

Matt Damon Video Recalls Funniest Scene in "Eurotrip"

My friend Julie just pointed out that today's big viral Sarah Silverman and Matt Damon video recalls Damon's earlier work in the motion picture feature film "Eurotrip". "Scotty Doesn't Know":

What, My Name Isn't Droppable Anymore Claire Zulkey?

What a bridezilla!!

The Only Thing That Could Make Me Go to a Musical

If said musical was "WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER: THE MUSICAL" Say it is so!

The Indomitable Spirits of Decision '08

Last night I realized that if this election has come down to:

A Mormon
A Black Guy
A Guy Who Was Tortured for 5 Years, and
A Woman

Then we're having an Indomitable Spirit election! Here's the classic Mr. Show sketch introducing Indomitable Spirit:

Do or Do Not, There Is No "Make Facebook Group"

Hello, MySpace? I'm just calling again to remind you that I'm never calling you again.

Michael Showalter's Eclectic Music Taste

This part of this long, good A/V Club interview with Michael Showalter made me laugh out loud on the subway this morning:

MS:...Do I like The Shins? Yeah. Do I like Bright Eyes? No, I don't. At all.

AVC: Why not?

MS: He takes himself too seriously. Do I like PJ Harvey? Yeah, I love PJ Harvey. Do I like Clap Your Hands Say Yeah? No, I don't. Do I like Cat Power? I love Cat Power.

AVC: In your act, you say all of your Cat Power tracks are actually Sheryl Crow songs.

MS: That's fiction. That's the lie. I also said that I have Journey stored under Sufjan Stevens, which is also a lie. Do I like John Mayer? I love John Mayer. Love John Mayer. John Mayer is someone whose entire body of work I like.

AVC: He's also an aspiring comedian. Would you ever want to tour with him?

MS: Absolutely. 100 percent. His phone number is on my phone, and he's waiting for me to call him to do something together. Why haven't I called him? I'm too intimidated. I'm star-struck. He's like a huge, giant rock star, and I've listened his albums thousands of times. Why wouldn't I be intimidated by him? It's very random who I would meet that would intimidate me, but he's definitely one of them. If I met Sean Penn, would I be intimidated?

AVC: Yes?

MS: No, I wouldn't be. He's too obvious. If I met Steve Martin, would I be intimidated?

AVC: I'll say "No."

MS: Very. I would be very intimidated.

Once

I'm not saying that "Once", as a series of moving pictures on a screen, isn't better than 99% of the movies released theatrically in 2007, I'm just saying that it's not a real movie because NOTHING HAPPENS. Two kind of boring looking people meet and fall in love and sing songs and everything is great and then it's over. There's never any real conflict or emotional stakes. It's just a really long, good music video for songs you won't hate if you don't hate Coldplay. The one about the boat is pretty catchy. But that's it. So just stop.

Two Agents Emailed That Day. For Real.

There are lots of things I'd change about this, but it seems as good a day as any to revisit it: Please Link Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Blogging

(This is what jogged my memory.)

The Collective Anger Quota

"It works like this: every offending cultural object—movie, TV show, ice-cream flavor, what have you—demands that a certain amount of anger be generated in response to it. If tons of people despise something—like, say, the comedy of Carlos Mencia—the Anger Quota has already been filled, and I don’t have to feel strongly about it one way or another. But if I dislike something that pretty much everyone loves—Some Like It Hot, or OK Computer—then I really have my hating cut out for me."

- Tim Long, giving a name to a common feeling (in this case, writing about Juno.)

Jared Leto and Paris Hilton Kissing

Because people keep sending it: Jared Leto and Paris Hilton Kissed. (What are they supposed to do, have a conversation?)

"4 Months, 3 Weeks..." Might Already Live In Your TV Set

I just noticed that the movie opening this weekend to rave reviews and lots of blog coverage is already available for $5.99 on Movies on Demand. It's freezing, there are no other supposed-to-be-good movies opening, and you're welcome.

Mean Girls!

Me: this isn't very original but I've been referring to heath L as "The Ledge" and I want it to catch on.
Doree: Lindsay, stop trying to make The Ledge happen. It's not going to happen!

My Fashion Sense Has Not Changed

This is the toddler-outfit equivalent of this website.

I Give Up: The 9/11 Mime

The 9/11 Mime.

I mean on the one hand: the 9/11 mime!! The 9/11 mime!! Haha!

But on the other: real goosebumps. (But I'm going to go with the first reaction. I did really like that Enya song when I was 12.)

'Trinkle Down' And Other Theories

This is hilarious: Dan Allen (awesome comedian and guy) has been using, of all words, the word "scatological" incorrectly. His entire life. And he thought it had something to do with jazz.

We Know a Country Who Knows a Country

Dear Australia,

If something were to happen to Fred Phelps and his hate posse while they were picketing Heath Ledger's funeral in your country, we really wouldn't mind. Really.

Sincerely,
America

ps: Yes, the kids too.

God Save the Fan!

If you're reading this site, you probably already know this, but if you have anyone in your life who cares about sports, Will Leitch's new book God Save the Fan: How Preening Sportscasters, Athletes Who Speak in the Third Person, and the Occasional Convicted Quarterback Have Taken the Fun Out of Sports (And How We Can Get It Back) is the perfect gift.

(This is also a reminder to people who were already planning to buy it to buy it today!)

(Also, genius cover by Jim Cooke!)

Ladies, Look Who's Dead!

I was just about to blog this too but Doree beat me to it: nice related stories, Page Six!

Ask Me What is Also Hilarious

Gawkercommentergate '08

also, Ishgate heats up!!

Eternal Sunshine is Currently Available on HBO OnDemand

...And it's still the best movie ever made about love. I watched it last night for the first time in about two years, and I see the ending completely differently now. It's an even better movie than I thought it was when I thought it was the best movie I'd ever seen. Anyway: Eternal Sunshine: Still Wonderful.

Ask Me What's Hilarious

"Ishgate '08."

I Will See 'Baby Mama'

But has anyone noticed that that 4-episode arc in which Anna Faris guest-starred as Monica and Chandler's future kids' trashy birth mother from the last season of 'Friends' sure is showing up in the movies a lot lately (Juno)? Anyone? Just me?:

(I know this is too big. I'm leaving it.)

Amelie Gillette Emasculates Esquire's Lady Wisdom List

Like the AV Club's Hater Amelie Gillette, I hate-read Esquire's 10 Things You Don't Know About Women every month. Unfortunately for me, unlike Amelie, I didn't write this absolutely hilarious blog post about it:

"...imagine my excitement when I learned that the kidnapped Sex & The City writer that Esquire pokes with a cattle prod to generate these lists must have escaped, and the magazine needs people like me to write them..."

Stop everything and read the whole thing: Men are from Mars, Women are from Ladytown, the 10 Things You Didn't Know About Women

Eugene Mirman vs Denis Leary

Over on the Comedy Central blog, we asked different comedians to tell us who they have a feud with. It turned out pretty well. I especially like Eugene Mirman's:

The Restroom Standoff

Jessica Coen: "The Restroom Standoff operates on karma..."

Elizabeth Spiers on Why Media Companies Should Have R&D Departments

Great essay on the future of media.

SEO Killed the Title Line Joke

...But maybe Tumblr is bringing it back. Today, Doree Shafrir (whose Tumblr blog I've been reading obsessively, along with Ricky's, Spencer's and Balk's) has an article about Tumblr and its young creator in The Observer. Tumblr is already subconsciously making me want to blog more and more frivolously (if possible), as the last two days attest. (And Emily's come back, with the same inspiration.)

Tumblr is great for personal sites with no growth ambition, like this one (I'm considering a switch.) So far, I've only read friends' Tumblrs (in Google Reader RSS, the way I read Facebook updates and everything else I read on the web - I highly recommend it) but I could see subscribing to Tumblrs of funny people I don't know. My favorite thing about Tumblr is the return of the title line joke, which has been basically killed by Search Engine Optimization (for optimal SE placement, title lines should be descriptive and contain proper nouns, they should not be abstract or "inside jokes.") It's nice to see my favorite bloggers writing without filters again. It feels a little like the old days. Professional bloggers should keep personal blogs as well, if only for their friends.

(End of dorky boring thing. For now...)

New Gabe and Jenny Comedy Show Starts Thursday

100% of the people involved in this are awesome (this will be every other Thursday, produced by Alex Blagg):

Sarah Schaefer is So Funny

I do love a good "Chicken Man" joke.

The Tom Cruise Scientology Pitch Is Creepy...

...but there's a part of my brain that was sealed in amber the first time I saw Top Gun that is like "he's SOOO CUTE!!"

Let's remember Tom the way he was:

(Creepy video if you haven't seen.)

*The* Quote of 2008 (So Far)

Ricky Van Veen pulls the best quote from the Corey Worthington interview:

"I suggest you take a long hard look at yourself."

"I have. Everyone has. They love it."

(The Way We Live Now)

Corey Worthington Will Make You Wish Halloween Was Next Week

Corey Worthington: Now here's an internet celebrity! (This is a drop-everything-and-watch alert.)

Late Afternoon Low Blood Sugar Report PART II: STILL LOW

1. Pay $30 to have your favorite old tshirt turned into underwear! OR: take a Sharpie and write "Built to Spill" on a pair of $4 underwear and give $26 to Oxfam.

2. I'm always having "me too!" conversations with other people who loathe the word "piece." It's nice to know no less authority than Patton Oswalt agrees.

The Late Afternoon Low Blood Sugar Report

If an Improve Everywhere annual no pants event occurs on the subway and only the 900 pantsless participants were there to see it, does anyone have an unforgettable moment of spontaneous wonder and joy?

There Are Two Types of People

People who read about JJ Abrams' "mystery box" and say "Wow, that's cool." and people who just want to rip that f**king pretentious box open and show him the contents.

I am the latter.

Primary Source Library-Based Social Anxiety

From: Lindsay
To: Shaw, Stephanie, Andrew, Travis
Subject: Bookshelf Dysmorphic Disorder
People Who Were Over the Other Night:
I was just looking at my bookshelf because I was bored and noticed that it contains "The Rules" and "He's Just Not That Into You." I would like to explain for any who saw it during the "bookshelf analysis and judgment" portion of the evening that the reason I have those books is because I was writing a book proposal for a parody book a few years ago right after the latter came out, but then abandoned the project because that's what I do with projects.
Kelsey Grammer's autobiography, however, I own in earnest and have read three times.
xo,
Lindsay
ps: this isn't the first time people have come over or anything, I just never looked at my bookshelf in this light before.

Let's Drink Box Wine and Hatewatch Lifetime

Hatewatch, v, to watch something bad just to hate it (usually with friends): "The other day I was hatewatching Cashmere Mafia and I realized that the portrayal of gay men on those shows is not unlike the portrayal of African American mammies in films such as Gone with the Wind."

(For all I know this is a common term, because it's impossible to Google, but I just used it today in a fan email to Rich Four Four about this awesome blog post (and about Cashmere Mafia, obvs.)

Palate Cleanser

Here.

Update: Network Solutions Stealing Domain Names: Confirmed!

(Update to the post below about the Network Solutions furor)

A reader named Joel sent in these screenshots of his own little experiment:

f*ckyounetworksolutions.com:

Search 1: Available:

Search 2: Available:

Search 3: Taken:

This is an extremely important issue for democratization on the web. Network Solutions phone number: 1-800-333-7680.

Update: I called to complain, and they confirmed this:

"these domains are held with a Web-page notice saying that they are available for sale for a four-day period. This gives the Network Solutions customer a window of opportunity to purchase the domain before it snatched up by a scammer, Mitchell aid."

But (and this wasn't in the Times story), Network Solutions confirmed that their domains cost $34.99/year, while their competition sells them for less than $10/year. Once you search for a domain on NS, you can ONLY buy it from them. It's basically an anti-competition issue. Boycott Network Solutions!

It's Not Paranoia...

I KNEW IT!!! I buy a lot of domain names, and every time I search for a new domain idea I'm paranoid that my searching for it will cause it to be automatically registered. Turns out, that's now the case. Not sure how we can make this stop other than by raising awareness, so read the article and be aware!

Jeff Mangum Finds a Beautiful Face in this Place That is Circling All 'Round the Sun

...presumably, because he just got married. I know that the 14 fellow extreme NMH fans who read this site wish him congratulations too! (But something tells me that Jeff isn't the Google Alert type.)

(Thanks to Jeff from heartonastick for the tip)

Monster Hoodies

Artist/Blogger/Fun girl Jen Dunlap's joint venture, Monster Hoodies, is now taking orders.

Have You Watched "E.T." Lately?

If so, settle this argument:

We all know that E.T. ate Reeses Pieces in the movie, and that it was product placement. But did E.T. ever *say* "Reeses Pieces" in the film?

I'm somehow now involved in a long-standing argument over this (which is hilarious, since it could be so easily settled by watching the movie, but nobody wants to.) Myself and several friends have a distinct memory of E.T. saying "Rees-ees Piece-ees", but according to my friend Travis, it's not in the script and he insists that E.T. never actually says the words.

(There's one other theory - that E.T. said it in a commercial, but not in the actual movie.)

Best. Conversation. Ever.

I've been telling this story for the past five days, and it still makes me laugh:

Friend: I'm going to a notary after this.
Me: I've always wanted to be a notary.
Other Friend: My brother is a notary. Well, in Second Life.
(Everyone): !!!!!!

Her brother is a notary. In Second Life.

Then:

Friend: He had to settle this dispute once and one of the people involved, a woman, well, her avatar was female anyway, pooped on his head.
(Everyone): !!!!!
Me: Wait, so she had to BUY the poop? With real money???
Friend: Yeah. Well, technically, she could make it.
Me: Out of what? Food?
Friend: Pixels.

Just...everything.

Paul Rudd + The Pickup Artist = A Nice Day Back on the Ole Internet

Paul Rudd sends up The Pickup Artist on David Wain's web show. (Genesis of the new catchphrase: "Your hair looks silky as shit")

Also, I got Knocked Up for Christmas. My brother got me Knocked Up. The movie. But I said that on the phone, and it was momentarily funny. (They really missed a marketing opportunity there.)

Mark Graham Bids Viacom Farewell, Defamer Hello

Defamer.com has a new position: Managing Editor. And it's Mark Graham! Wooooo!! Defamer has always been the most consistently high-quality GM site, and between Marks Lisanti and Graham it's poised to be part of the general "quality writing trumps cheap lazy salaciousness" blog trend that will finally happen in 2008 hopefully please god. Congratulations, Mark! 

David Cross Responds to Anonymous Commenters Who Begrudge Him Acting Work

And reveals to the world the difficulty he encountered while attempting to buy a house with his punk rock indie cred.

We all know that engaging internet commenters in any way is usually a bad idea, but this was pretty funny. David and Patton, kiss and make up!

Distilling the Moral of "Atonement"

(Spoiler alert, I guess, sort of.):

The lesson I got out of "Atonement": if you have a gummi worm growing out of your chest, you should get it looked at.