Lindsayism.com

This Is Why We're Old: Part 2

The same 23 year old, on his neighbors complaining about the noise in his apartment:

him: I kind of want to install one of those decibel-based stop signs like we had in kindergarten.

me: Where did you go to kindergarten? THE FUTURE???

WE ARE ALL VERY OLD.

[Previously]

Maybe One Day Everyone In Hollywood Will Have A "No Man."

I would like to offer my services as a celebrity honesty consultant. I will be paid by celebrities to be 100% brutally honest with them about their image, their work, and, especially, their proposed plastic surgery choices. I'll be the one and only person on their payroll to do this, and the only way I can fail at my job is by protecting them from the truth. I will offer opinions only when asked, or, if the celebrity chooses, whenever they occur to me. THIS IS REAL. I can be reached at the email address to the right. All inquiries guaranteed confidential.

Blogging Around, Marc Maron's New Podcast, And David Cross's Sudden Sunny Outlook

Programming note: Today and tomorrow I'm guest blogging at Daily Intel. 

Tip to add value to boring programming note: I've been greatly enjoying Marc Maron's new WTF podcast, available every few days for free on iTunes. There are a total of seven so far, and they're all fantastic, but number six was amazing because David Cross called in, and aside from the other many interesting things about the conversation, holy shit, David Cross sounds SO HAPPY! It's unbelievable and wonderful and if you're a DC fan, you definitely need to listen to it. [Thanks to Punchline Magazine for plugging WTF so hard in the past few weeks I had to succumb and listen even though I thought I already had too many podcasts.]

Allison From Intervention Is Doing Really Well Now!

Intervention did a check-in show this week with Allison, the former duster-inhaler and (intentionally) hilarious person a lot of people got a little guiltily obsessed with last year, including me (I was, um, Allison for Halloween). She is now not only clean, but she's helping others by sharing her story of the dangers of inhalant abuse. And she looks great. And she's still a total pain in the ass to her family, but in a more normal way. I love Allison! If you missed it, you can watch the whole thing in parts here (the last segment is the best.)

"Cosmo Is The Onion For Feminists"

This post about this month's issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine by LaToya Peterson is hilarious. I think she's onto something with The Onion comparison. It's impossible to read about the beer-stealing trick and the thong thing without imagining a writer's room.

I'm Diablo Cody's Street Team This Week, Apparently

Yesterday I wrote about loving Jennifer's Body on Jezebel, and today I'm the guest on Slate's Spoiler Special podcast, talking about the movie with the wonderful Dana Stevens, whose kickass review is making a lot of waves today. Both the podcast and Dana's review are here.

(And I think that probably concludes my whirlwind JB publicity tour.)

The Mountain Goats Are Coming To The Colbert Report

Remember when we learned that Stephen Colbert is a Neutral Milk Hotel fan? More evidence of his impeccable taste in music:

"The Mountain Goats are slated to make their late night television debut on "The Colbert Report" on Tuesday, October 6 at 11:30 p.m. ET/PT. In concurrence with their performance, colbertnation.com will stream their upcoming album "The Life of the World to Come."

- The CC Insider

This is amazing news. I still have friends who have never heard the Mountain Goats. And everyone should hear the Mountain Goats! It's pretty awesome that SC is using his show to share them with the world. (The Flaming Lips are coming to the show on another night, and they're great too, but already hugely famous, so not as surprising.)

Helicopter Girlfriending

I liked it better last year, when they were drunk and Jennifer talked the most:

More Weekending

Once again today I'm writing Daily Intel and Vulture. So get your Sunday news from me! Or go outside. Either way.

Weekending

I'm writing on/scribbling all over NY Magazine's Daily Intel and Vulture blogs today and tomorrow. Wheee! All my posts on both can be found here.

William Shakespeare Comes Back As A Baby Squirrel

(I'm not sure who would be interested in this but I put it on YouTube to show some friends so may as well put it here, too.) While we were perusing the in-church giftshop at Trinity Church (where Shakespeare is buried) in Stratford-Upon-Avon earlier this month, a baby squirrel that seemed totally unafraid of people ran inside. So I stuck my flipcam in its face, naturally:

Five minutes later, "Willie" the squirrel was seen happily eating a nut in the ancient graveyard outside. (But I do think the church lady called the RSPCA, in case anyone is worried.)

The New Yorker Unmasks Amelia Earhart As A Lazy Famewhore

Judith Thurman's Amelia Earhart piece in this week's New Yorker is fascinating, as most of her work is (I loved her recent Laura Ingalls Wilder/Rose Wilder Lane piece), but I'm noticing a degree of absurdity creeping in to her deliciously catty, un-official "Takedowns Of Famous Heroines" series. In the Earhart piece, tied to the upcoming movie about her starring Hilary Swank, Thurman turns what seems to me to be an overly judgmental eye on the famously famous pilot. Here are a few of Earhart's "sins" in the article:

Thinking she had something to say even though she didn't even finish college:

"Read closely, however, Earhart’s life is, in part, the story of a charismatic dilettante who lectured college girls about ambition yet never bothered to earn a degree."

Doing whatever it is she supposedly did in this sentence about a '90s Apple ad (with the official Apple slogan, I might add.):

"The slogan that appeared with a gauzy, doe-eyed photograph of Earhart in a white helmet was “Think Different.” (She thought of herself not only as different but as a special case to whom most ground rules didn’t apply.)"

(Who does that remind me of? Oh, ANY MAN WHO EVER DID ANYTHING.)

Being as un-shy as a particular famous man who is regarded around the world as a beloved, brave, and original hero:

"She quotes the great aviator Elinor Smith, who was still flying in 2001, at eighty-nine: “Amelia was about as shy as Muhammad Ali.”

"Aay-hug-uuuuh!" Indeed.

Somehow it's okay when people train their babies to imitate Stephen Colbert:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Exclusive - Dancing Baby
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Protests

I don't know why it's okay, it just is. (Via CC Insider.)

Shia Taps In To The Next Big Thing

If you know who Carey Mulligan is (October 9th!), you will be deeply disturbed by the news that she's already dating Shia LaBeouf. (via heartonastick, whose subject line was the appropriate: "noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!")

Jumping Back In

My trip to London was AWESOME. Anyway, one thing I noticed over there was that as big as the Jaycee Dugard story was here, it was ten MILLION times bigger over there (newspapers even complained that Ted Kennedy's death was "burying the story".) Tangentially related, this very funny BBC news blooper from that story:

(Thanks for the tip, Gemma!)

LDN

There probably won't be anything here for a week because I'm going to London tonight. (It's my first time going anywhere that requires a passport, isn't that just precious?) When I come back I expect to be exactly like Karen from Pulling. Enjoy penis shark!

Oh, and this is hilarious.

It's Penis Shark: The Shark With The Penis In Its Mouth!

(Um, I'm writing on NY Mag's Daily Intel today and I tried as hard as I could to make a case for putting this there, but there was just no way. But I had to share it, so here it is.)

Check it out, some people caught a shark in the Everglades and gradually realized it had a huge (other shark's?) penis in its mouth:

I love the people trying to be all polite about it at first. "What is that?"

Pulling

I wrote a gushy ode to the BritCom "Pulling" on Jezebel, after first reading about it last week on The Awl and watching every episode in one sitting. Pulling is so awesome you will love it even if you're a boy!

Guest Blogging: Daily Intelligencer

I'll be a guest editor today through Tuesday on New York Magazine's Daily Intelligencer blog.

Where Is Patton Oswalt When We Need Him?

Just months after the carb-on-carb crime that is Domino's Pasta Bowls comes KFC's Double Down. Two fried chicken patties serve as the bun in a bacon and cheese sandwich:

I'm starting to think there are two rival fast food product R&D teams out there competing in a "But let's see if they'll eat this!" contest.

(Via TIWYF)

(Patton Oswalt, most famous critic of KFC's Famous Bowls, is currently celebrating his new comedy album's #4 placement on iTunes. I bought it and it's great!)

The Woman's Guide To Football

From back when households had only one TV. "It's just a jumble of bodies and I don't understand it!":

(Via Everything Is Terrible.)

Henry The Little Dancing Boy Has Sold Out. No, Seriously.

Remember Henry, the little boy who danced a little too well not to creep us out? Well, he's selling Vitamins in England. FOR REAL:

Thanks for the tip, Louis!! (Related: Henry's first day of internet fame.)

Stephenie Meyer's iTunes Playlist Is Suspiciously With-It

Vulture checks out Stephenie Meyer's celebrity playlist, and it's all Stereogum-approved and shit. I wonder if Apple employs a person whose entire job is to create "hip" playlists for celebrities. If so, it would be awesome if that person got disgruntled and created a totally uncool playlist for someone as an act of revenge. Except that no matter how hard this person tried to make it lame, it would still seem cool! It's a paradox! This person would burn the midnight oil, toiling night and day over this Ultimate Worst Playlist Ever, but even at this, s/he would fail. That person with that fictional job at Apple just cannot win.

The Funniest Line I've Read Today

From this extremely sycophantic Mad Men fan site that I read for some reason:

"So here’s the thing. When you spend the day on the set of Mad Men, you know that what you hear on the set of Mad Men, what you see on the set of Mad men, stays on the set of Mad Men."

They are really providing a valuable service over there!

This Should Be The Most Watched Thing On The Internet

I know this has already been everywhere, but I was in Florida last week, and I swear to god, everyone on the road was swerving around wildly the entire time, texting while driving. I'm not even exaggerating. It was nuts. It's still legal there. It was scary. So is this brilliant PSA. (If you've ever been in a car accident, get ready for a mild sting of PTSD maybe don't watch this. It's extremely realistic and I should have put a stronger warning here):

(Sorry to get all serious sauce!)

So Much Is Gonna Happen On The Next Episode Of Mad Men!

Prediction: the next episode of Mad Men, "Love Among The Ruins," will be action-packed. That's the only conclusion we can come to from the aggressively boring sneak-peek scene AMC put out to publicize it:

That's the only scene they could show! I'm so excited! Is it November 22nd yet?

Suck It, Hamptons!

I'm at the beach in the FL panhandle for the week, back for the first time in the summer in 8 years. After 8 years of enduring what pass for beaches up north, it's kind of hard to laugh at my home state right now.

(Bonus: friendly tropical colorful fish instead of hypodermic needles!) (Ok, back to being obnoxious *offline*, until the end of the week.)

This Is Still A Mountain Goats Fan Site

The Mountain Goats (John Darnielle) are/is doing a big huge international tour for the new album coming out Oct 6 which is about the BIBLE (!!) Which is appropriate, because John Darnielle is God. I just got my tickets for December 2nd at The Bell House, and now it seems I will spend the rest of my day being actively mad at my friends who aren't as excited about this as I am. One of my best friends claims to have never even HEARD of TMG!! (Not mad at him, just shocked.) Amazing. The other tour dates are at that link (sadly, no Tallahassee stop this time.)

Why I Love Rachel Dratch

Rachel on the red carpet at some premiere the other night. It's unlikely that I'll ever be on a red carpet, but now I know exactly what I will do.

"If You Can Achieve Puberty, You Can Achieve A Past"

This is a real (USA, TV) movie from 2003:

Fred Armisen And Elisabeth Moss In "Intervention Intervention"

This is great (and I love all the easter eggs for the Intervention superfans):

Intervention Intervention with Fred Armisen from Fred Armisen

How To Avoid Ads In Gmail By Reminding Your Friends Of The Worst Things In The World

The good news is you can avoid seeing ads in gmail. The bad news is you have to end all of your emails with "ps: suicide death 9/11 murder."

I played with this a little to see how far it goes back, tragedy-wise. "Ps: the holocaust" works, but "Ps slavery" delivers ads. Google also thinks we've gotten over the triangle shirtwaist factory fire, the Hindenberg, and the sinking of the Titanic. (I could play this game all day, so I'll stop now. That link above is accidentally hilarious, though.)

The Miley Cyrus Stalker's Viral Video Past

The man who appeared in a Daily News video in March speaking like a crazy Miley Cyrus stalker has been arrested for crazy Miley Cyrus stalking.

Gabe And Max: The Movie

The 7th (and possibly final) installment of Gabe And Max's Guide To Man Style is a comedian-cameo-studded masterpiece:

Gone Guest Bloggin' On Jezebel

I'll be writing most of this week (every day but Tuesday) for one of my favorite sites, Jezebel.com. I'll be covering TV and online video, just like old times. Send me tips!

"You're Welcome!"

It's a new little girl being cute on YouTube! Unforced! (Update: the parents have made it private. Oh well!)

Thanks to Andrew for the nice week-ending tip.

"Middle School Bunnies" From Whatparty

My friend Whatparty has an Etsy shop where she sells these (and other) hilarious embroideries that are like surreal New Yorker cartoons for less than ten bucks. They are awesome.

I'm off to Atlantic City for a 24-hour adventure! (More on that later.)

Shelf Discovery: The Teen Classics We Never Stopped Reading Is Out Today!

One of the summer's most-anticipated books, Shelf Discovery: The Teen Classics We Never Stopped Reading by Lizzie Skurnick, came out today! Publisher's Weekly calls it "frequently hilarious" and, though my copy hasn't arrived yet (I loved its inspiration, though: Lizzie's Fine Lines column on Jezebel), I call it the best idea for a book I've ever heard: who doesn't find themselves paging through Are You There God, It's Me Margaret? when you go home for the holidays, and how many times have you discovered, to your delight, that a friend you just met also had all the sex parts dogeared in Clan Of The Cave Bear? Check out the table of contents: if you were a voracious reader in the '70s, '80s or '90s, you're sure to have an "Oh my god ME TOO!" moment. It's ten bucks. Let's buy it. Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler would want us to.

Did Jon Hamm Pee In The Water During The Mad Men Poster Photoshoot?

I can't believe how actually interesting this behind-the-scenes of the Mad Men Season 3 poster photoshoot is! (Unfortunately the pee question is never answered -- or addressed -- but let's just assume he did because it's funnier that way):
I like at the end when they explain that Don Draper being submerged in rising water is a metaphor for what's happening to him on the show. And all week we've all thought it was just a pretty picture! Also, click here and scroll down for the funniest animated .gif I've ever seen (which is, I guess, somewhat of a Season 2 spoiler, but whatever.)

Tonight On HBO: Prom Night In Mississippi

It's week two of HBO's summer of new documentaries every Monday night, and tonight's premiere is the much-anticipated Sundance hit Prom Night In Mississippi, about the segregated proms in the small town of Charleston, and the resistance Morgan Freeman came up against when he offered to pay for one prom for all students. From what I've heard from people who've seen it, it will not be a triumphant ode to the beauty of humanity, and will go to some unexpected places. It doesn't have a decent trailer anywhere, but here are some clips from YouTube:

I'll be watching this tonight, and, to lighten what will clearly be a depressing 90 minutes, taking a drink every time someone says "Meexed prom."

(Gone Guest Bloggin')

I'm guest-co-blogging today on one of my favorite sites, New York Magazine's Vulture blog, while the great Mark Graham takes a much-deserved day off. Fun!

The Perma-Puppy Of Our Hopes And Dreams

And so it begins.

(Thanks to Brenna for the tip!)

In Honor Of This Math Rap, I Will Share My Own Math Rap From 1990

This went up on Everything Is Terrible today. It's a math rap. I wrote a math rap too!

So probably like most kids in 1990, I was assigned to write a math rap in the seventh grade, but I hated rap (And country! Right, other former closed-minded seventh graders?) But my favorite thing in the world at the time was "We Didn't Start The Fire" by Billy Joel, so I performed my rap while slapping my hands on a table on the stage of the sanctuary of the church that my school was part of. Here are the lyrics that I remember:

Whole numbers, rounding off
Think about it, Gorbachev
(Something something)
(blah blah blah)
Marilyn Mon-roe!

We didn't start equations,
They were always goin' since the world's been flowin'
We didn't start equations,
But when we are gone, they will still go on and on and on and on...

Yeah. Kids are dumb. I hope Gorbachev thought about it. Also, only tangentially related, but there should be a contest where today's rappers compete to write the best song that starts out with the creatively limiting "My name is ____ and I'm here to say." Like, for charity. FUN! (Oops, time to break out the old "Highdeas" tag.)

There's Finally A Trailer For An Education!

The trailer for An Education, starring Peter Sarsgaard and Carey Mulligan, and written by Nick Hornby, finally hit the internet last night. Carey Mulligan is the rare (or possibly non-existent in 2009) intelligent-seeming very young actress. I can't think of a single other one in popular culture right now. (And she doesn't even have an official IMDB picture yet!) Even if this movie contains no surprises, couldn't you just stare at her for DAYS?) October 9th, guys!:

I can already tell this would have been my favorite movie ever if it came out when I was 15, and, sight unseen, that's enough. (And considering that Defamer fell all over itself over this movie at Sundance, predicting nothing less than "canonical immortality," it seems like it'll be worth the ticket price.)

Behind The Scenes At The Furry Convention

The gentleman in charge of last week's Anthrocon spoke on an insider panel about how furries can protect themselves from being accurately portrayed as sexual fetishists in the press. As usual, they're not fooling anybody, but the fun is in watching them try:




The doctor's lab coat must be part of a side-fetish.

It's A Big Day For Jon Hamm News

There's now a trailer for Stolen Lives, the mystery/thriller/sad movie Jon stars in with Josh Lucas (hott!):



And yesterday Jon played in the All Star Celebrity baseball game thingy. Here he is at bat:

Soon Jon will start his Mad Men Season 3 publicity tour. So that should be fun.

After Last Birthday: The World's Most Esoteric Video Birthday Invite

When I worked at Videogum I was a little bit obsessed with the mysterious trailer for a movie called After Last Season, which opened in a few cities for a few days last month. A lot of other people got obsessed with ALS too, as evidenced by this video birthday invite parody made by some funny people with time on their hands:



Adorable! If you haven't seen the original, you really should -- and keep in mind that this was a real feature film. (Thanks for the tip, Tamara!)

The Inevitable Keyboard Cat Tshirt

It was only a matter of time before Hot Topic started selling Keyboard Cat tshirts, but since keyboard cat meme creator and Videogum tipster extraordinaire Brad O'Farrell gets part of the money, let's make this the next Frankie Says Relax. Years from now, it would be pretty hilarious if the summer of '09 could be visually referenced on film by a character wearing this shirt.

This Is Why We're Old

A 23 year old who sends me links to funny videos just sent me a link to a funny video: Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract" video.  He said: "I didn't realize it was the same Paula from American Idol."

WE ARE ALL VERY OLD.

Christians Laughing

I could watch footage of charismatic Christians freaking out because their leader told them to constantly for the rest of my life:


The redhead at 2:05 is really stretching the limits of the medium. Via Everything Is Terrible.