Lindsayism.com

Because This Almost Always Works 8

UPDATE: Are you aware that it costs A LOT OF MONEY to "give" your miles away? I wasn't until a lovely person named Sarah wrote to say she has the exact number of miles I need. Unfortunately, you can only receive 15k miles per year as a gift, and I needed more than that, and it costs a lot. So nevermind on the whole thing.

(Crazy abandoned scheme after the jump, though I'm not even sure why I'm not just deleting the whole thing.)

Two Buck Suck

When we go to Trader Joe's for wine (and I won't go anywhere else anymore), my friend Stiff always insists on getting the two buck chuck (in NYC, $2.99). For months I've been suggesting she splurge and spend the extra dollar on a $3.99 bottle, like Purple Moon or the oddly-waxy-tasting-but-I-like-it Zarutha (it might be spelled differently -- it's the one with the tan giraffe). I say the same thing every time: "There's a disproportionate increase in quality between the $2.99 and the $3.99. It's like the opposite of diminishing returns. Really!" So the last time we were in there and she grabbed the Charles Shaw and I made a face, she goes "I KNOW, THERE'S A DISPROPORTIONATE In INCREASE IN QUALITY OR WHATEVER...I don't care, I like this stuff!"

And then I realized...I am the world's cheapest wine snob.

Anyway, added value: this kind of reminds me of Zach Galifianakis's impression of a pretentious illiterate person (Video. Hilarious.)

I'm Not Immature. I'm "Larry David-esque"

Okay, confession time: I get my hair cut at Supercuts. 1. Because I'm cheap  2. Because I can't sit still for longer than 12 minutes and 3. Because, frankly, I don't really give a shit. (At least I'm not in any danger of ever being called "hair-pretty")

Yes, my friends make fun of me and suggest alternate places (I'm not paying $60 to be forced to sit still for 40 minutes and make awkward conversation with a stranger.) You know the saying "Men don't pay prostitutes for sex, they pay them to leave."? I don't pay stylists to cut my hair perfectly, I pay them to let me leave. Preferably after 12 minutes or less.

Anyway, so this morning I went to Supercuts on 6th Avenue and 8th Street because it's been over 3 months and it's definitely "time." When I walked in, there was one stylist working on one customer, and she seemed almost done, so she said "haircut?" and I said "yes" and she said "just a few minutes."

So I sit down and start flipping through an US Weekly on the banquette and try to block out the description of an epic eye infection with which the stylist is regaling her client (an infection which, no lie, turned out to be an STD!). After about 20 minutes, another woman comes in and sits down and says "I'm back!" and the stylist says "I'll be with you in a minute for your coloring." So I ask the stylist "Oh, uh, how long is it going to be?" and she goes "I don't know, an hour, hour and a half." And I was like "WHAT? Why didn't you tell me that when I walked in?" So she gave me attitude and I got up and put my layers back on angrily as fast as I could (it's hard to leave in a huff when it's 15 degrees outside) and said "You've wasted half an hour of my time, I'm never coming back here!"

And then I slipped the US Weekly in my bag and stormed out, slamming the door behind me.

The moral of the story is: 1. Don't get your haircut at SuperCuts and 2. I am an almost 30 year old woman who just stole an Us Weekly from SuperCuts out of spite.

And it wasn't even this week's issue.

THE END.

Sens-sens-senseo

My free Senseo coffee maker ($64 value) came today (with 18 free coffee pods!), so I thought I'd share the good news of how you can get one too. The curious might enjoy this FAQ:

What do I have to do to get this free item and screw over The Man?

Go here and fill out a survey. You don't have to give your credit card # or any of your friends' email addresses or sign up for other offers.

How does this survey involve the art of drama?

You will be playing a character who hosts a lot of regular gatherings, has a blog, and loves to share the good news of how important a good coffee maker is to one's fulfillment in life.

Should I fill out the survey with all the "right" answers?

Maybe, but I chose to fill it out using the second most influential-sounding answer. For example: my 'Ladies-only Sober Poker Night' meets bi-weekly instead of weekly. As do my 'Chick Lit Book Club Coffee Clatch' and my 'Stitch n Bitch n Rave About Household Appliances' Circle. My Desperate Housewives Watching Party meets weekly, however, for obvious reasons. But it does involve a (coffee) drinking game.

Don't you realize that it doesn't matter what you answer, everyone who fills out the survey will get a free Senseo, because after a few months of buying the exclusive Senseo-brand coffee pods it will have paid for itself?

Of course. But I don't really drink much coffee. I JUST LIKE FREE THINGS.

Don't you realize that by posting this on your blog, you are putty in the hands of the Senseo people, and the joke is, in the end, on you?

Yes, but I GOT SOMETHING FREE that at some point, some other sucker has paid for.

And you can, too.

The (un)Luckiest Diner on the Lower East Side

Eater has put a deathwatch on LoSide Diner.

"the biggest problem they face is the one-two punch of bad food and zero authenticity."

Nothing against Eater, at all, but I think everyone has misunderstood LoSide Diner. And that misunderstanding has allowed me and my friends many evenings of leisurely dining for hours for very very little money.

Now if you're a rich person, of course you don't like LoSide diner. Of course you think it's unauthentic. Because you can afford to eat anywhere and the concept of BYO means nothing to you. But for the rest of us, LoSide Diner was/is the only place on the LES (that I know of) where a group of friends can meet (right off the subway!), sit in a big booth, bring their own cheap wine (opened, chilled and poured by the friendliest restaurant staff in the entire city), listen to 69 Love Songs and enjoy a decent grilled cheese or veggie burger unbothered by crowds or hurried waitstaff. And two hours later the bill for four people, entrees and appetizers, is less than $40. LoSide diner isn't unauthentic. LoSide diner is the MOST authentic. And if you don't believe me, just check out the art on the walls.

UPDATE NOTE: The reason we could stay that long was because nobody else would be there, and we always tipped like 50%. I understand that the things I like about LoSide are the same things that doom it.

Oh, and they have the best (and most authentic) Southern-style potato salad in New York City. So there. Save LoSide Diner!!

Bagelfest!

* A very funny 1986 anti-crack PSA by Pee Wee Herman.

* My pal Will "nice guy" Leitch returns triumphantly to his hometown of Mattoon, Il for their annual Bagelfest!
Related: Gawker Media Employee Can Eat, Ride Bike At Same Time (my comment is a joke that 3 people will get, as usual.)

* Junkiness Caption Contest (win Kyle Cease's new CD from Comedy Central Records)

* Get ready to be obsessed with dealspl.us (like flickr but for online deals, coupons, offers.)

* Hey downtowners, are you planning to order from Maxdelivery.com any time soon? If so, use my code and get $10 off (and I'll get a $10 credit, too, and it should work even if you've ordered before.): 255638D1
(Gimme a break, I don't have ads. Just give me this one thing, after six years. for Christ's sake.)

dust off the flask

I think I'm going to that tomorrow. I used to date a guy in my Williamsburg days who took me to the Mccarren Park Pool on the back of his bike on our second date, when I didn't even know it was there and the only way to get in was through a hole in a barbed-wire fence. The only word for it was "magical." (I'm not expecting magic tomorrow night, just good friends and Michael Showalter.)

(Word on the street is the beer license fell through, so bring your smugglin' purse.)