Lindsayism.com

In Honor Of This Math Rap, I Will Share My Own Math Rap From 1990

This went up on Everything Is Terrible today. It's a math rap. I wrote a math rap too!

So probably like most kids in 1990, I was assigned to write a math rap in the seventh grade, but I hated rap (And country! Right, other former closed-minded seventh graders?) But my favorite thing in the world at the time was "We Didn't Start The Fire" by Billy Joel, so I performed my rap while slapping my hands on a table on the stage of the sanctuary of the church that my school was part of. Here are the lyrics that I remember:

Whole numbers, rounding off
Think about it, Gorbachev
(Something something)
(blah blah blah)
Marilyn Mon-roe!

We didn't start equations,
They were always goin' since the world's been flowin'
We didn't start equations,
But when we are gone, they will still go on and on and on and on...

Yeah. Kids are dumb. I hope Gorbachev thought about it. Also, only tangentially related, but there should be a contest where today's rappers compete to write the best song that starts out with the creatively limiting "My name is ____ and I'm here to say." Like, for charity. FUN! (Oops, time to break out the old "Highdeas" tag.)

The Silence of the Bees?

Yesterday I watched the PBS Nature doc The Silence of the Bees. It's basically that New Yorker article in documentary form, but the fact that the bees are disappearing rather than dying (they're not finding the bodies, granted they are small bodies) gave me an idea for a straight-to-video topical horror movie:

TITLE: "Buzz"
TAGLINE: "The bees aren't dying...they're gathering."
SYNOPSIS:
Teenagers looking for a place to party break into an airplane hanger on an abandoned military base...and discover Where the Bees Have All Gone. Intelligent workers, gross fat scary queens, etc etc etc. And, like, millions of bees all coming together to make big stinging monsters. The teenagers must contain the bees and save humanity or whatever.

Teen Steam

Some silly little ideas from my notebook. There's a video at the end:

Why do smoke detectors cost money? It would make more sense if they were free.

What did humans call the sperm whale before the microscope was invented?

I would like to read a series of interviews with two people who openly dislike each other. Not famous people, random people. Also, an interview with a couple in a fight (the sillier the fight, the better.)

I would like to write a travel piece where I travel to different cities and watch the local news in each city and compare.

There should be a gym that offers old school celebrity workout tape classes -- Jane Fonda projected onto a wall, Alyssa Milano's Teen Steam, etc. This gym would be located in Williamsburg, Brooklyn:

You Know That Commercial Where the Dude Reaches "The End of the Internet"?

Well this is that: This to That (Glue Advice)

Two Highdeas!

I haven't done Highdeas in a long time because there has been, over the past year, serious curbage. BUT:

On Saturday I met up with my friend and we saw Hot Fuzz and I got two Highdeas right before we saw Hot Fuzz:

1. The 'Make Al Gore Happy' Light-switch Plate!
This is a light-switch plate with a picture of Al Gore on it. When the light is on, Al Gore's face is angry. When you turn the light off, Al Gore's face brightens up into a glow-in-the-dark smile.  Parents could tell their children "Don't forget to make Al Gore happy!" to remind them to turn off lights. If every family had just one of these light-switch plates installed in their home, there would be no more global warming at all.*

2. The "Blockberry"
This is a quarter-sized pocket device that renders all Blackberries (or equally annoying devices) unusable within a, say, three foot radius of the user's body. Regular normal people with social skills could use it when they see their unfortunate tech-addiction-stricken brethren, and Blackberry addicts could employ it at dinners and on vacations as a sort of digital antabuse. (I know this one is sort of obvious, but we need it!)

* This is a "Highstatistic"

"you could put a long blonde wig on a ferret and it would look like Jessica Simpson"

* Over the holiday, Stephanie ("Stiff") and I are going to make elaborate scrapbooks of our trip to the scrapbooking-supply store. It will be the only scrapbooks we ever make (probably.) We have a lot of ideas mapped out and they're so awesome we're making two so we don't fight over custody (and also we might go the Rashomon route in the storytelling.)

* Speaking of Rashomon, after over ten years of using it as a conversational reference, I finally saw the actual movie last weekend, though I fast forwarded through the non-talking parts. (I know.) It was very...Rashomonesque. (I know.)

* Highdea: OCD: The Video Game. You have to navigate the world and accomplish tasks while having OCD. I have OCD, so I'm totally allowed to invent this cool game idea.

* Did you see the first few episodes of 30 Rock? Were you like "Eh, I'll leave it on my DVR schedule but nobody can make me watch it!?" I was, and so were a lot of people I know, but in fact the show has gotten better and better every week, and was so funny last week I've already shown it to three people. I just gave up on finding video from last week's show, but I did send a personalized holiday greeting to a few friends from Alec Baldwin. (If I can still get a moderate amount of glee out knowing Alec is calling my friend Emily and calling her a homemaker from Iowa who enjoys collecting sports memorabilia, irony is not dead (to me.)

Charly's a card when he's potted

Cartoon idea:

Panel one: Man and Woman are fighting. Woman is crying.
Panel two: Man says angrily "I'll give you something to cry about!"
Panel three: Man leaves room
Panel four: Man returns to room holding a copy of Flowers for Algernon.

And...scene!

It was better last night as I was drifting off to sleep staring at my bookshelf.

WHATEVER YOU DO, do not forget to watch Nightline tonight (ABC, 11:35 pm Est, just watch the Colbert rebroadcast at 1:30a.) Because Sarah Brown's Cringe Reading Series will be featured.

Also, a thing to cover your mouth so that embarrassed-looking snakes cannot enter it has been invented.

Additionally, somebody sent me this review of a recent book today (second post, no permalinks) Better together? Meow!

kaufmanesque

* Darci finds the future of comedy: Ralph Handel.

* Three funny people I like are performing at the WYSIWYG talent show tonight: Mandy Stadtmiller, Dan Allen and Blaise K.

* Happy Birthday, Eugene Mirman.

* Do you wear contacts? Print out a coupon for a free full-sized bottle of Renu contact solution.

* How to save SNL: bring in one special guest writer for each episode - like a guest host, but behind the scenes. Book them all at the beginning of each half-season so they have time to prepare and get their ideas together. Stop making the players' screen time dependent on writing themselves into their own sketches. Let writers write and performers perform - and give each guest writer the respect afforded someone who isn't burned out and who is going to help save your show. What that show needs is NEW BLOOD and real writers who have more interest in coming up with funny ideas than being in the spotlight.

I'm trying to understand

So, like, Ashley Judd went to rehab for, like, the human condition? Being a person? Living in the world? Existential ennui? The sickness unto sleeping a little bit too much?

But more important: if I decide I need a trip to the narcissist colony like this, will Viacom pay for it?

I'm starting to think my Breakup Camp Highdea is actually the wave of the future.

one by one

Remember Highdeas? They'll be back with a vengeance once I'm no longer corporate-blogging. Meanwhile, the first Highdea I ever put up has become a reality. (I think it's a pretty obvious idea, personally.)

(I'm still blogging every day at the Jane Magazine site.)

thumbs up for slurpees

* All my friends tease me because I hate Chinese food and everyone else in the world likes it. But I'm the one who's crazy?

* Be in the audience for Tina Fey's new pilot.

* Last night I watched part of America's Next Top Model and all I can say is is that one girl kidding us with the "What Nourishes Me Destroys Me" tattoo? If you're going to flat-out copy a celebrity's tattoo (off the top of my head I can't think of anything lamer), at least get it in the same language they used. Also, what's up with the deaf girl who hasn't told us she's deaf yet? Is that going to be a sweeps shocker? That show makes me really misogynistic and I don't think I can ever watch it again.

* Jonathan Coulton's Flickr: The Movie. Brilliant.

* The Daily Show's Resident Expert John Hodgman on India and Pakistan.

* Highdea: a parody of Post Secret called "Gross Secret", where frat boys send in stories about crapping their pants or whatever.

* And my new IM away message is born.

colorful and daily

(Like that graphic? I designed it myself a long time ago. Clearly.)

It's been a lonnng time since I've asked for or put up Highdeas.

What are Highdeas? Silly but often brilliant ideas that sound like their inventor must have been smoking pot when s/he came up with them.

How to send yours in:

- Send an email to me with the subject line "Highdeas."
- Be sure to include the name you want me to use and your link, if you have one.
- I hate to be a business hippie, but please use punctuation.
- Keep in mind that the first two Highdeas that any person has seem to be:

- A restaurant where all the food has pot in it.
- A celebrity magazine about regular people. (Which was done very well in mock-up form by Emily and Alice, and is on the best-of page above.)
- The concept that is Dodgeball.

Here are some new ones, and by "new" I mean "received in the last six months". (Most of them I can't credit because the person didn't specifically give permission.)

Eric W.: "What I've always thought would be cool would be a snack like a granola bar, only it would be made from vegetables. Dried carrots, celery, radishes, lettuce that comes in various flavors, like French, Ranch, Thousand Island, Balsamic Vinaigrette, etc. And of course, it would be called the Salad Bar. I can't see how this wouldn't be wildly successful."

F.B.: "When you meet people that you like, you should exchange cards that have your name, your e-mail address, your electronic messaging (aim/yahoo/and if anyone still uses icq i would LOVE to meet them), and the phone number you prefer to receive calls at; and on the back, what you define as "dating." example:

Blanche Deveraux
[email protected]
aim: xxtawdryxslutxx
305-902-BOOBS

"3 'dates,' hanging out on a regular basis, regular making out, semi-regular groping, bonin' -- maybe. Zsa zsa zsu optional."

Brett: "Everyone knows that CheezWiz is a great invention, but it still seems like so much effort to break out the crackers and the ham, and then to rip the ham into little cracker-sized pieces. Personally, I'd like to see some Ham-n-CheezWiz on the market. If we can put a man on the moon, we can get ham in a can." (Ed: ewww!)

Andy:
"Clear Eyes for the Stoned Guy": "4 dudes show up at a guy's house and get stoned with him. They evaluate his pot, taste his selection of munchies, check out if he's cool stoned, and make recommendations to improve his stoned experience. Maybe get better pot, switch to a bong, teach him how to roll a better joint, etc. Of course, if he's a bad stoner they will tell him to chill out and maybe take it a little easier on the bud. It's like that other show, but with a "twist"."
(Ed: I like this one because I'm always having to give my friends lectures on properly hydrating their weed.)

Copyranter:
1. AIR DJing Competition:
the only prop would be a podium of some sort. Competitors would have to
really use their imagination, convincing holding a pair of invisible
headphones, spinning invisible records, pushing invisible buttons, and being
retarded jerkoffs to invisible people asking for requests.

2. ART EXHIBIT:
A big mound of planted grass. every couple of hours, a portion of the grass
would be painted with a different color of eco-friendly paint so that you
could simultaneously watch grass grow and paint dry.

And one of mine:
A talking figurine that says either "That's what she said" or "That's what he said" when you push the button. Celebrites (or, you know, comedians) could do the voices. This could be sold at Spencer's Gifts and would pretty much eliminate the need for my presence at creative meetings at work.
(Incidentally, I'm making a "That's What He Said" tshirt this weekend.)

Now, send yours in! If you want.

some little things

* Patton Oswalt answers the question "What was the funniest person, place or thing of 2005?" for the Comedy Central Insider blog.

* Tonight is the latest edition of Will Leitch's excellent Growth Spurt Reading Series, at Happy Endings at 8. I'm going to try to stop by after seeing a rare New York appearance by Lizzie Skurnick (aka The Old Hag) reading from her new book of poetry, "Check In", at the Jen Bekman gallery.

* Speaking of readings, remember my old humor reading series, Ritalin Readings? Well, it looks like it's coming back with a vengeance, bigger and better in 2006. I'll still be booking talent and co-hosting with Alex Balk, but now a really cool production company is going to be producing it. More, as you might imagine, later. But I'm super-excited.

* Last night I dreamed there was a magazine called "American Comment", that consisted solely of letters to the editor and reader polls, solicted in the previous issue. Before you say "that's the stupidest idea ever", I'd like to point out that Americans are the stupidest people ever. It's a total P.T. Barnum idea, like Desperate Housewives, or the Bush Administration. I have no idea what the rest of the dream was about.

salad on a stick

* Tonight I'm seeing a band called the Arctic Monkeys at Mercury Lounge. All I really know about them is that they have the #1 single in the UK and that they've been declared "over" already (my friend got the tickets). Here's their video: "I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor"

* I want my Golden Fiddle!

* This weekend I got a Highdea: Salad on a Stick. You know, because the main reason salads suck is because you can't get all the ingredients on your fork? Well, it's apparently not an original idea.

* Look, someone you can pay to see "Rent"!

Highdeas!

It's been a while since I've rounded up the Highdeas. If you have an idea that sounds like a stoned person dreamed it up and you want to share, email me with "highdea" in the subject line Be sure to tell me whether you want your name used, and what you want me to link to (if anything.) And as I've said before: "Please try to make them semi-coherent. You're not supposed to be high when you're actually writing it. (The last time I asked for these I had to sift through a lot of "if there was this guy and he had boobs on tv hahahha LOL that would be rule!" emails to get to the good ones.)"

(And don't feel bad if I don't use yours. I still like you!)

If you want to see examples, check out
These, these or these.

Two Highdeas

1. Saint Sweep
You know how every single guy in the world has made an arrangement with a friend that in the event of either of their deaths, the other will go over to the dead guy's house and sanitize it so nobody finds his vices? Well there should be an actual service for that.

2. Breakup Camp
Just got dumped? Well, pack your bags, 'cause you're going to Breakup Camp! You'll spend two weeks or more in picturesque mountain resort setting, immersing yourself in the culture of the dumped and watching film strips of people worse off than you and re-reading The Diary of Anne Frank and listening to other people go on an on in group sessions about their breakups until you absolutely don't care anymore, and then you go home and get on with your life. (I actually think this could exist and make money.)

Highdeas: All-Female Edition

I do this "regular" "feature" called Highdeas. Highdeas are ideas that seem to have been conjured up by people who have been smoking funny cigarettes. This edition of Highdeas is all-female because only girls have submitted Highdeas recently. I forgot to ask people to tell me if I could use their full names, so first names only, just in case somebody wants to be a teacher someday or something.

"Single servings of wine, but instead of in those little bottles, use Capri Sun style baggies. Wine for the girl on the go." - Megan

"Remember in high school when you wanted to skip class you would go to a specific area like the farthest baseball field or the KFC at the strip mall next door, to meet up with all the other kids that were skipping? There should be a LIFE SKIP LOCATION in major cities in America. Say you just got fired, or don't feel like going to work, or you want to skip that college midterm - everyone reports at 10am at, say, the SE corner of Tompkins Square Park. People can either loaf in the park getting to know each other or break off into group excursions ("hey it's so nice out - who wants to go to Coney Island?!?") Imagine all the people you would get to meet from all over the city. And instead of sitting at home alone watching The View, you'd be out having an adventure with others." - Robyn

"Was The Pixies' song Here Comes Your Man a response to The Velvet Underground's Waiting For The Man? And, if so, does the man know that he's gonna see a girl when he actually shows up, not a boy?" - Martha

"A book called COOKING FOR MR. POTHEAD: An Unconventional Courtship with Recipes.
All the recipes are for, like, snacks that you can make with minimal effort late at night using whatever is in the fridge, like a tortilla sprinkled with cinnamon sugar and sauteed in butter, but they are described as if they are the most fantastically gourmet frou-frou things imaginable, with lots of pretentious big words. I might actually write this book." - Emily

"A flipbook of Michael Jackson's transformation over the years. from young and black, to plastic and white. possibly ending the book as a Korean alien." - Rachel

"So it begins Friday night. Three other friends and I are sitting around, smoking our second joint that we think might be laced with cocaine. I feel so wired and twitchy, like I drank a pot of coffee. It's like the marijuana was caffeinated. We all become amazed with the idea of caffeinated marijuana and we think everyone would love it because they are always drinking energy drinks, it would be like the Sparks or Jagerbomb of pot... and we would become rich and famous and loved by pot smokers of all ages!" - Bridget

Fake iPOD Shuffle:
This would be a feature on the iPOD that allows you to make a playlist that looks to any observer like the iPOD is on the "shuffle songs" setting. It would be password-protected so only you would know. This would allow you to throw up your hands and say "I don't know why it's only playing my favorite songs that you hate, it's on Shuffle!" - Me

The other day I saw an ad for Coca-Cola and thought about ad slogans for cocaine. I only thought of two I liked:

Coke: Because you are the type of person to wear sunglasses indoors. You just don't know it yet.

Coke: Because your new friends are your real friends. - Me

(Do you have Highdeas? Email me with "Highdeas" in the subject line, and be sure to tell me if you want your name and/or link used.)

Highdeas!

It's been a long time since I've done the Highdeas "feature" (I'll fix that in a sec.) Toby from Vividblurry posted two hilarious ones yesterday.

(I like both, but the second one is one of my favorite highdeas ever...)

Now, here's one of mine:

A search engine aimed at the hip-hop market, called "Ax Jeeves".

(I checked to see if it was taken, and look, so meta!)

Do you get Highdeas? Email them to me with "Highdeas" in the subject line. (And, as always, it's better to email the next day.)

Highdeas!

A series of self-help books for celebrities: How To Be a Better Madonna: A Self-Help Book For Madonna Ciccone Ritchie, How To Be a Better Britney, etc.

The author of this highdea claims to have been totally sober when he thought of it, but it seems pretty highdea-worthy:

Someone should sample that cyclical car alarm sound (you know, "DEE-DOO DEE-DOO DEE-DOO DEE-DOO. EHHH! EHHHH! EHHH! EHHH!") and put it in a hip hop song.

Highdea!

This spectacular highdea comes from K. Thor Jensen of short and happy (also the sender of the David Cross link):

"An animated cartoon dog mascot teaching women about vagina exercises and health called the KEGEL BEAGLE"

.

Highdea!

This weekend during the blizzard I got a Highdea for a sitcom about a guy and his girlfriend, where every episode centers around the guy trying to get a blow job from the girlfriend and the elaborate and absurd lengths he goes to get it and she goes to to avoid it. Since I was playing Trivial Pursuit at the time of this Highdea, the working title for the sitcom is "Uvula Pursuit."

(I'll have Kornfeld's Korner up a little later. He has a highdea too.)

Highdeas!

"I have long thought that cat food manufacturers should make cat food in colors that match popular flooring colors, since the hairy little bastards barf so much. You know, like "blue shag" or "oak."
- Chris Hampton

"Many people are familiar with the breathalizers built into automobiles that force multi-DUI offenders to prove sobriety before starting the engine.
Cell phones should have a similar feature. It could be built right into the microphone, and would prevent people from, oh I dunno, calling their exes at 4:23 and unleashing a furious string of profanity and/or admissions of sexual confusion.
On the reverse end, it would be handy to see the blood-alcohol content of incoming callers, to prevent the return call from said ex, who takes it upon herself to inform you of how many of your friends she's slept with."
- Alex Blagg

"Here's one I do remember - but i have to credit to my friend Jason... it's the bacon bikini. You make a bikini out of strips of bacon, your girlfriend lies out in the sun and later you have a tasty snack. We thought it would make a nice photo series."

- Cathy Cityrag

And for the first time, a Highdea with a visual aid!

"So I said, what if there were a weekly gossip magazine a la US or InTouch or Star, but instead of obsessively chronicling the embarrassing things that happen to Lindsay Lohan et al, it would be about me and my friends? Alice immediately got excited about this concept and we started taking paparazzi stalker photos of everyone in the room, including a meticulously staged shot of Alice with a fake black eye. Everyone was like "You guys are going to wake up tomorrow and realize this was a Highdea." (Literally). We were like "No no this is actually going to be really funny."
And: voila. It is.

- Emily Gould and Alice Wetterlund