Lindsayism.com

the village of the damned bloggers

* You already can't swing a laptop bag around Lolita without hitting someone who thinks that blogging is going to make them rich. (And please, someone do that.) Now it's going to be even worse. These kids today with the scary dollar signs behind their eyes...

* Speaking of, my friend had a genius idea: I should have done that blogger-fashion photo shoot, but worn a fat suit and blacked out my teeth. Because that's what Amy Sedaris would do! (WWASD) Brilliant...

* Right now I'm wearing a new fragrance: Curious by Britney Spears. The main reason is I think it smells good, but the secondary reason is it's my attempt to bring irony into the realm of scent. I do think it smells good, though. Very delicate. Anyway, I can't wait for someone to ask me what my perfume is! (I also think it's funny that it's called "curious." Like "What's that curious smell?")

The Blogosphere's Most Bizarre Publicity Stunt: An Op Ed

(Nobody's going to talk about this outside of email? Fuck it, I'll talk about this!)

Yesterday, blogger and self-described famous public figure Stephanie Klein announced that she was pregnant. Her commenters went crazy with joy, posting 100 comments of congratulations in the comment section. Then, much later that day, Stephanie posted that in actuality, long before her announcement, the fetus was found to be deformed and that she was no longer pregnant.

Everything above appeared on Stephanie's blog, where she seems to be basking in the attention of her Oprah's-audience-like followers.

So what are we, Stephanie's public, to make of all this?

If I might share what appears outside of Stephanie's moderated comments section to be the unanimous opinion: we are no longer dealing with the world's worst, yet most self-congratulatory blogger. We are now dealing with a person who wasn't going to let a little thing like a nonexistent baby get in the way of her pregnancy attention.

What kind of person would use something as tragic as the loss of their pregnancy as fodder for a BLOG that deals primarily with what she's eating (and who she's fucking) for dinner? That includes more than 12,000 individual words about her hair?

You can say that I'm mean, you can say that this kind of thing is off-limits, but I say that what's off limits the degree of manipulation that went into what at best was a publicity stunt and what at worst was a cry for help by a very sick person.

Actually, at worst it was a publicity stunt. I'm not a psychiatrist, but if I were I would spend the rest of my life swimming in a large pool filled with the grant money I'd get using Stephanie as a research subject. Sweetie, I know you're reading this: go get help. You're going to make some Amsterdam Avenue shrink very happy.

licking hollywood taint / blog culture wars / let's get over ourselves for the love of god

Dear Bloggers,

Just in case you didn't get the memo, it is 100% not okay to hang out with Lizzie Grubman.

Deep down, you already know this. Bottom line: blogger starf*cker photos are embarassing to our Country, our Era, our Fad-Based-Hobby and our God.

Related: The Straw That Broke The Grambo's Back.

(Is there some sort of syndrome (along the lines of Jerusalem or Stockholm) where someone thinks they're famous when really they're just a blogger? If not, let's call it "Manhattan Syndrome")

I love you, but this is getting really embarassing. Pick a side: outsider or insider. There is no in between. This is to all bloggers. Remember where you came from, keep it real, stop frontin', be more punk rock, I'm watching you, etc. etc. etc.

Love,
Lindsay

To Andrew Krucoff: The Richest Man in Town

Teacher says every time a bell rings, a fired blogger gets (nominated for a) job!

I'm happy that folks have rallied around Andy. Like George Bailey, he's good people.

Straight Up and Braggy: The Other Side of "Fame"

I promise, I swear, I vowed to myself never to mention a "girly blogger" by name again, lest another idiotic person ask me about some nonexistent "blog feud", and because the whole subject is boring and I'd rather concentrate on the more well-known ways women humiliate themselves and each other in public (like chick lit or the Times' Modern Love column), but something just happened that has made it impossible to keep that vow.

I was just ordering an iced tea in the crowded cafe of the Borders at Columbus Circle, when I hear someone in the cafe yell "I'll link to it! On my website! And you'll get TONS OF TRAFFIC! I have TEN THOUSAND READERS PER DAY!" I glanced at the person yelling from her laptop-laden cafe table, then glanced at the person she was yelling to - an older woman sitting nearby, clearly a stranger. I guess the stranger didn't hear the first time because the person yelled again "TEN THOUSAND PEOPLE READ MY SITE EVERY DAY!"

Before I even had time to process the embarrassment I felt for this person for saying such a David Brent sort of thing, I realized (I'll admit: to my glee) that this misguided young lady was none other than the lastest recipient of a half-million dollar book deal from Judith Reagan: Miss Stephanie Klein.

I'm happy to report that the self-confidence (cough! euphemism! cough!) she manifests on her site, is, in fact, also present in real life. From my gawking spot across the cafe, I can't testify to her firmness or fashionablness, but I think everyone in that cafe was busy facing it - she's fetching.

As Miss Klein is the Queen of the "I totally got recognized on the street by one of my thousands of fans!" post, I was DYING to ask for an autograph, hoping to end up on the site, but I chickened out. The end.

For the Love of Blog Cheese

Last night I was reading one of my issues of Might Magazine, specifically Might #7: the Cheese Issue, and I realized that blogs didn't really exist then, but there's a lot of Blog Cheese out there. You know, the tired cliches, tackiness, presumption, bragging, self-indulgence or just proving you have your head so far up your ass your blog is technically a travel blog. Just off the top of my head (and I've been guilty of so many of these so I'm not making fun of anyone, seriously. Seriously, if you see yourself here, you see me and pretty much every other blogger - I used my own site for inspiration!)

Most of these are just cliches:

* Linking to the people you hung out with last night.

* Linking to the famous people you hung out with last night.

* Photos of you and your friends having fun last night.

* Photos of you having fun with famous people last night.

* Writing to someone to ask if you can link to them.

* Blogging drunk.

* Blogging drunk about how you shouldn't/never blog drunk.

* "Cryptic" blogging to seem mysterious.

* "Cryptic" blogging to send a secret message to someone.

* "Cryptic" blogging to seem cool. ("I can't really say anything about this right now, but big important things are happening to someone we all know.")

* Taking someone off your blogroll because they piss you off.

* Confronting someone at a party because they don't link to you.

* Introducing people at a party by their blog name.

* Having entries in your cellphone like "Mark Whatevs" and "Foxy Jess"

* Having your picture on your index page.

* Having a "pictures of me" page.

* Having a "pictures of me" page where all the pictures are clearly self-portraits.

* Posting pictures you took of people without asking their permission.

* Saying "I was approached by _______ who wanted me to post about _______"

* Blogging about your breakup.

* Blogging about your engagement.

* Blogging about your kid.

* Blogging about your bad mood/bad day/general ennui.

* Being "recognized."

* Blogging about being "recognized."

* Blogging about compliments you've gotten.

* Mentioning the amount of traffic you get.

* Mentioning the exact number of readers you have per day.

* Having stupid commenters.

* Having sycophantic commenters.

* Taking down all comments that aren't gushing about how wonderful you are.

* Blogging about how work sucks.

* Blogging about your pet.

* Blogging about the blogging award you got/were nominated for.

* Blogging about how drunk you got last night.

* Having, going to, or blogging about any sort of "blogger get-together", "blogger party" or "blogger bash."

* Selling t-shirts/mugs/stuffed animals with the name of your blog on them.

* Having a "guest blogger."

* Having a wishlist or asking for donations.

* Writing "I've been listening to (hip band's new album) for weeks and it's so great, it comes out today and you should pick it up."

* Linking to your own press.

* Not linking to your own press, but referring "cryptically" to it and mentioning how everyone else is linking to it and musing about how you "don't see what the big deal is."

* Accusing someone of stealing an idea from your blog even if it's the most commonplace, obvious joke about a situation that can be made.

* Blogging in the first-person plural.

* Posting song lyrics.

* Blogging previews. ("I'm going to watch "PoweRGirls" tonight; check back here tomorrow and I'll tell you what I thought about it.")

* Plugging your friend's stuff.

* Plugging your friend's stuff that sucks, and not specifically saying it's good. "You should all buy my friend's band Mouthfeel's new record."

* Posting about an event instead of going to it. ("Unfortunately I can't make it, but you should all go see my friend read from his book about growing up in the suburbs.")

* Blogging about search terms that brought people to your site.

* Blogging about your dates.

* Blogging about your sexual tastes/prowess/activities of the last evening.

* Posting IM conversations.

* Making fun of how the New York Times is always behind on every trend.

* Having advertisers.

* Not having advertisers for a spelled-out reason (ie, any other reason than just being lazy, not caring.)

* Blogging about how much traffic you've gotten since you received a link from a much bigger blog.

* Blogging about how much traffic you've gotten since you received a link from a much bigger blog, and saying "Welcome (much bigger blog) readers!"

* Blogging about hipsters or the LES.

* Inventing a nickname for your significant other that you use only on your blog. ("Last night, The Asspounder and I had dinner at a cute little place in the West Village...")

* Inventing nicknames for all your friends on your blog. ("Last night, GirlySue, Desperatina, and the rest of the Tribe went out for decadent deserts to commisserate about how there are no good men out there.")

* Blogging about the restaurants and bars you frequent.

* Blogging from a restaurant or bar.

* Starting a post with, "Everyone in the blogosphere has been buzzing about..."

* Saying "blogosphere." Ever. Even ironically.

* Posting pictures that you've taken of your TV.

* Talking about how much you love Tivo/DVR.

* Calling Tivo/DVR "My new boyfriend."

* Putting your iPOD on random and posting the songs it plays.

* Posting anything about your iPOD.

* Posting about things you've recently purchased.

* Posting about things you've recently received. ("Random House sent me a copy of the new David Foster Wallace...")

* Referring to any blogger as "famous."

* Blogging about Coachella.

* Going to Coachella.

* Going to a "secret show" and blogging about it the next day. ("It was so hard to keep the secret, but Julian made me pinkie-swear.")

* Blog "feuds."

* Having an anonymous blog.

* "Coming out" from your anonymous blog.

* Going on "hiatus."

* Coming back from "hiatus."

* The use, ever, of the term "guest list."

* Blogging about your trip to (Prague, Costa Rica, Iceland.)

* Having a blog that never links to anything except your friends blogs that don't link to anything except their friend's blogs, etc.

* Posting anything that requires a "jump."

* Posting a year-end best-of list.

* Apologizing for not posting your year-end best-of list sooner.

* Apologizing for not blogging for a while.

* Apologizing for not blogging for a while because "things have been crazy - I can't talk about it yet but suffice it to say, I've already mentally spent the advance money, lol!"

* Friendster. Dodgeball. Flickr. Myspace.

* Blogging about the epiphany you had last night about yourself and your life.

* Posting your results from online personality tests.

* Participating in any blogging "meme" ("Write down the first three venereal diseases that pop into your head.")

* Using the word "meme."

* Blogging about how it's been so long since you've dated/had sex and how you don't care.

* Blogging about natural disasters and pointing out how terrible they are for the people involved.

* Blogging about George W.Bush.

* Blogging about weight gain / weight loss / gym membership / ice-cream binges.

* Posting solely to wish a friend happy birthday.

* Linking to something on another site and bragging that you "helped."

* Blogging about the stupid ideas you got when you smoked pot and watched reality TV last night.

* Having a regular feature on your blog about the ideas you get when you smoke pot.
And, finally...

* Blogging about blogging.

(With help from Alex TMFTML )

(If you think of more, send 'em...)

Please Link Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Blogging

Last week, I was asked to submit some true stories of blogging to the editors of an upcoming book, "Please Link Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Blogging." It seemed a little early to be writing it, but I guess things move fast these days. Here are my entries, all true. I hope they take them!

The Sex... "One time I wrote about my high school crush on a shower massage on my blog, and then the next day at an office birthday party my boss made fun of me for it. It was slightly embarrassing. But, wow, I really loved that shower massage."

The Drugs... "It must have been around March of 2003. I was at Siberia with Elizabeth Spiers and some random media people. This guy from the Observer offered us coke. Liz declined, but I did some. Soon after, I went home, and sure enough, it took me an extra fifteen minutes or so to fall asleep!"

The Fame... "A bunch of us got together to go see the Arcade Fire. I was talking to these guys in front of me for about five minutes. Then one of them said "Are you Lindsay?" and my friends all heard him and made fun of me relentlessly for the rest of the night. Stuff like that happened a lot in those days."

The Celebrities... "After a while, you'd start getting invited to these parties where you'd realize, Oh my God, every A-list blogger in New York is here! Like, you'd look to your left and there was Lockhart Steele! You'd look to your right and there was Jessica Gawker! You'd look in the corner, and there was Krucoff. And you'd think to yourself, Who the hell invited him? Still, it was crazy."

The Fights... "Mark Whatevs had said something sort of mean about one of my blogger friends who had recently appeared on TV. I wrote him this long email about how she was a real person with real feelings, etc. He pointed out that Fred Durst was also a real person with real feelings, but took the entry down and we made up. Now I realize I was being stupid because people who put themselves in the public eye should have thick skins. But, you know, when you're young and just starting out, you see things differently."

The Rock and Roll...

"My roommate Ultragrrrl had an O.C party, and afterwards Scott Stereogum and Alex TMFTML both hung out at my house until like 2 a.m. on a weeknight. We smoked pot and talked about our iPods and stuff. The next day at work, I was really tired."

The Desperation...
"One morning around 4 am, I was coming home from a blogger drinks-thing and saw Mike from Thighs Wide Shut hustling in Thompkins Square Park. Apparently, he had exceeded his bandwith and his hosting company wouldn't let him post anymore until he came up with the money. He was wearing a blonde wig and shouting "My name is Elisha Cuthbert!" It was really sad, but what can you do? We all had to fend for ourselves at that point. Things had spiraled out of control. Then, I woke up and realized it was just a dream."

The Crash...

"It was a Thursday morning, and I came to in a pile of my own drool, with my head in my laptop. I tried to read what I had written before I blacked out, but it was something about girly bloggers making me ashamed to be a woman and I couldn't make any sense out of it. I knew the whole thing was getting out of hand. I needed help, and quick. So, you know, I blogged about it."

(Heady times, man, heady times.)

(Apologies to Leg's McNeil, Gillian McCain , and, of course, Krucoff.)