Lindsayism.com

Bachelor Consipiracy Theories

I know, I'm the only person who still watches The Bachelor besides the friends I force to watch The Bachelor, but (spoiler alert!) on last night's finale, Bachelor Brad chose neither chick!! Presumably, it will all be explained tonight on ABC's "After the Final Rose" special, but if you're bored, the message board conspiracy theories are amusing (and range from "his pregnant ex came back into his life" to "he ran off with Sandra Bullock.")

Because I'm the Only Person Still Watching 'The Bachelor'

There should be a Bachelor house band called "The Right Reasons."

Apropos of Nothing

My commercial-break review of Spade sitcom 'The Rules of Engagement': "I'm trying to figure out the oldest season of 'Friends' that was still funnier than this and I'm all the way back to '95."

But How I Met Your Mother is still great (and on tonight!)

The Mystery LOVELASH Begins

Last week while watching The Pickup Artist with Stephanie, we had this conversation during the commercial break:

Stephanie: Would you make out with Mystery?
Me: No way!! Oh my god you would! YOU LOVE HIM!
Stephanie: No, but I can see there being a slight possibility that I could make out with him.
Me: Well, I guess if I was 23...
Stephanie: Exactly. And in a different city from where we live.
Me: Yeah, like some sort of conference...
Stephanie: With free drinks.
Me: You LOVE him.
Stephanie: Shut up.

Well, Stephanie isn't the only woman who would invite a kiss-close with the Man in the Stupid Hat - Gawker's Stalkerette does too: True Confessions: I Love Mystery:

"Also, meeting the family won't be a problem because they probably already know each other from the time when his grandparents stole my grandparents' art and then enslaved them in concentration camps. Plus, he's a Libra and I'm a Taurus. Zing."

Hilarious - it's the exact opposite of a backlash...and seems like the exact marketing plan Mystery would devise in accordance with his teachings. Hmmmm. Maybe he's just been getting us to let our guards down this whole time!

Related: Max Silvestri and Joe Mande try out to be Mystery's new wingmen.

Everything That Can Be Said About Britney Has Been Said

So here's part of my IM conversation with Stephanie:

lindsay: fame is a conveyor belt that is impossible to get off.
steph: thank you, sage.

I think the best analysis of this situation can be found on Defamer. 

I'm Sorry Corey. No Jossip-Address-Publishing Harm Can Come To You Now

Since neither of us still live in the old building, I got over my fears and wrote about my former neighbor Corey F's new show for NY Mag's The Vulture:

"The Two Coreys: One Cyberstalker's View"

Sincerely: I think Corey (F) will find a better vehicle. This one just isn't the one. At least he comes off well in the show.

Nevermind About "The Starter Wife"

I saw the second one and it's really annoying. False alarm!

would've been a hit in the 80's though

Nobody tell Steven Spielberg that Multiple Personality Disorder does not exist. (via Fiddle)

the emperor has a disappointing sophomore release

Saturday Night (Sunday Morning) Live:

Me, 12:29 AM, To Mark and Kerry: What arcade f did kinda ruins them for me. I'm shaking my head. I'm disgusted, honestly.

Mark, 12:30 AM, To Me: I am out, now I can't wait 2 see it!

Me, 12:33 AM, To Mark and Kerry: Sorry, snl, no big deal, I'm probs the only one to care.

Mark, 2:32 AM, To Me (I was asleep): The guitar smash on SNL turned Arcade Fire into legit superstars. Best band of their generation? Right now, yes. Amazing.

Me, 9:26 AM Sunday, To Mark: Cheap stunt. They're better than that and more orig. Lots of kids would have liked that guitar.

Mark says he'll be arguing his case later, but we're gonna have to agree to disagree: breaking that guitar made me lose respect for that band. When Nirvana did it, they were huge, and it was a commentary on consumerism, etc. When Arcade Fire did it the other night, it was a cheap, unoriginal cry for attention. My brother is a guitar teacher, and he won't even leave any of his guitars in his trunk when he goes to dinner, he brings them with him in case the car is broken into. I dunno -- that kind of respect seems more authentic to me. I think Arcade Fire should donate the cost of that guitar to a talented kid who can't afford an instrument, and next time they're desperate for press they should just tear up a picture of the f**king Pope.

In case you missed the stupidity:

UPDATE: 20 emails later...geez, let's agree to disagree, deal? I didn't say they suck, I said I lost respect. And yes, I saw the guitar strings break, and I think destroying it out of frustration would be even lamer (if it were possibly the case, which it's not. Let's not be naive.)

I changed the "celebrity douchebags" tag to "gleeful provocation." Let's just relax.

Low Hanging Fruit, Thy Name is Joel Surnow

Producer of "Conservative Daily Show" Bares Balls.

("You can turn on any comedy satire show on TV and you're going to hear 10 Bush jokes, 10 Cheney jokes, but you'll never hear a Hillary Clinton joke or a global-warming send-up. It's just not out there.")

(To which our writer said: "Oh really?")

that impression should FRAH!

Sarah Paulson's Nancy Grace on Studio 60 last night put Amy Poehler's inexplicably-praised Nancy Grace on SNL last week to such shame, I can't believe NBC(S) even let both go to air.

Nobody loves Amy P. more than me, but the trashy Southern accent is a thing of such intricate complexity that it should never be attempted except by those with family members who speak it fluently. I should know.

Amy Poehler - Burlington Mass

Sarah Paulson - Tampa, FL

No contest.

(But that said, I fully support all attempts to take down Nancy Grace, successful or not.)

just in case anyone else watched The Bachelor

The part of Paris Hilton will be played by the poor man's Heather Graham.

(And then I turned it off. Forever.)

How I Feel About Fall TV

Because you're just dying to know...

Brothers and Sisters: Here's a tip: when you're doing a show about the patriarch of a family-run business and he dies suddenly at the end of the first episode, don't credit him in the opening credits as "Special Guest Star Tom Skerritt." (Also, can Rachel Griffiths only appear in shows where the patriarch of a family business dies in the first episode?)

The Class: Trying too hard.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: It doesn't have to be remotely believable. I will still like it. But it's not remotely believable, except for how bad the sketches are.

SIX DEGREES: During the second episode, just as I was writing in my little notebook:

"Is there some kind of rule now that all 1-hour dramas must be at least 85% montage?"

The show went into a four minute montage, wherein Bridget Moynahan takes Campbell Scott shopping for nice clothes! And he comes out in different outfits! And she vetoes them! And adjusts his collar! While bouncy music plays! Apparently there wasn't a PA on the set to tell them this is is such a cliche that making fun of it is even a cliche.

Also, while New York is a place of infinite coincidence and random moments of chance or fate or whatever, two women from very different walks of life do not become bff at the nail salon. And people don't say things like "Nice Sonic Youth t-shirt. Did you get that at the vintage place on 12th and Hudson?" WTF? There are so many things wrong with this show, and it's so sad, because Campbell Scott and Hope Davis are awesome and Sarah Vowell had a speaking part in the first episode and I really wanted it to succeed.

How I Met Your Mother: Brilliant, duh.

Queen Pretty

ABC is premiering a new show tomorrow night delightfully named "Master of Champions." The first episode includes an "urban freestyle match" and a yo-yo showdown." I'm in this really cynical place right now where I can't consume media without imagining the board meeting in which it was (they were?) conceived, so when I heard this name all I could think was "What, "Best Winner" was already taken?" But hilariously vague title aside, admit it: you want to see someone play jump-rope with a car. Master of Champions, consider yourself DVRd.

"women are 63% more likely to throw paper"

(Things might be weird around here for a bit because I'm making the switch to Typepad, yay.)

DVR alert: Last night I channel-surfed-upon the most amazing show: the Rock, Paper Scissors Championship on A&E. It's tongue in cheek and almost everyone seems to be in on the joke, but it was still really funny. I immediately called my friend Eric and he answered the phone by saying "Rock Paper Scissors!" because he knows me so well. It airs again Saturday at noon.

Paging the MacArthur Foundation

Some dark genius had a dark night of the soul and somehow found a way to make Sex and the City EVEN MORE STUPID.

(Note that it's not even the real, shitty actors saying the shitty lines, it's some shitty voiceover actors saying the vapid, bad-pun-laden, written by a 13-year-old, lines instead! "I wanted a man who could commit...not a man who was committed!")