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Originally On Jane Magazine's Blog: Discovery Health

(This was originally on the Jane Magazine blog on this date)

Current Obsession: Discovery Health Channel

 

Because nobody has yet created an actual Train Wreck Channel, the Discovery Health Channel is the next best thing. High on the dial, Discovery Health is the resting place for the Discovery Channel's most sensationally freaky shows: one-hour documentaries about rare and unfortunate diseases that befall humanity. Some actual show titles:

 

Born Without a Face

Living With Half a Body

160 lb Tumor

Super Obese

 

I can never get any of my friends to watch these shows with me, even though I make a great argument: "The Super Obese want us to watch them - we'll learn compassion!" The truth is, while I did start watching these shows out of sick fascination, they're done in such a sympathetic way that I cry every time. (Okay, maybe not with the 800 lb bedridden guy. That guy just needs to stop eating 30,000 calories per day.)  I came up with some ideas for future show titles:

 

Made out of Fluff

Duck-billed Platypus Kid

Celebrities With Tails

My Nasal Hemmorhoids

That Guy Whose Name is "Harry Dick."

Waffle Iron Genital Syndrome

The Unicorn Baby

Stuck to My Sister

 

(Don't worry, as far as I know, nasal hemmorhoids don't actually exist.)

for rss-ers: today's posts on janemag.com

Today's guest-blog posts on Janemag.com: - Cool Craft and DIY Sites - Live From Stoneybrook

Explanation:

For the next few weeks, all the stuff that is usually here will be at Janemag.com instead, where I'm the guest blogger for the month of April (which, in magazineland, starts now!) So go here instead.

(I'll probably republish this post daily for those who use my RSS feed, so that will be why I do that.)

hail xenu

* From Claire Zulkey's latest interview with Eric Spitznagel, Former Porn Screenwriter, Kurosawa as porn muse: "Different versions of events, multiple points of view, a cinematic meditation on the subjective nature of truth. Add some f**king and it practically writes itself."

* The controversial Trapped in the Closet episode of South Park is still online, where Tom Cruise will presumably never see it.

UPDATE: it's now been removed.

get off my back, President Nixon

* Tomorrow night at 8, I'll be reading at the WYSIWYG Talent Show at its new home, The Bowery Poetry Club. For the first time, I'll be telling the full story of my former neighbor, Corey F! Details, including the rest of the lineup, here.

* Improv Everywhere did three missions at the Aspen Comedy Festival, and the photos are up.

* I love this, for obvious reasons.

* Friday night at the Magician, my three friends (one male, two female) and I were approached by a young gentleman who sat down at our table and said "Can I ask you a question?" He then addressed the girls: "I need some advice. My friend's ex girlfriend is here and she's hitting on another guy in front of him. What should---" But my guy friend cut him off, saying "Yeah, we're familiar with Neil Strauss's "The Game." We all laughed and nodded. The guy was like "Damn, women know about that?" and we pointed out that women knowing about that was the subject of a much-publicized recent Village Voice cover story, which he hadn't heard of. Anyways, poor guy, but funny.

* Dave Hill goes to ComicCon (includes Peter Scolari!) Dave Hill is hosting a show tonight at Mo's. The lineup includes Fred Armisen and Corn Mo.

* As planned, Kerry and I met the mysterious Spencer Sloan this weekend, and we agree: he's totally really cute! Atlanta girls, you should definitely stalk him.

I'd rather be blogging

* Print out this story by Jeff Johnson to read on your way home. I think it should be the beginning of a novel. * Natalie Portman, rapping. No, not on SNL. When she was 11. So there!

* This racist old lady is still not as bad as the Post's Andrea Peyser.

* I have a secret: for the last few months, I've been watching Jimmy Kimmel every Friday night. Why? Because his segment "This Week in Unnecessary Censorship" is the funniest thing on TV. Here are a bunch of 'em on You Tube.

* This weekend I'll be hosting the lovely and hilarious "Senator" Kerry in my little teeny humble apartment. I'm going to try to show her as debaucherous a time as her guy will be having in Chicago. Hopefully we'll be meeting up with (and meeting) the mysterious Spencer Sloan. It's like the Spring of 2003 all over again!

that said, camping does rule

this made me die.

(Incidentally, I come from "Crunchy Cons", but I've always called them "Jesus Hippies." I assumed my parents were the only members of both the Sierra Club and the 700 Club out there. Actually, they probably still are. We do agree on one thing: Wal Mart!)

Ritalin Reading March 28

The next Ritalin Reading will be Tuesday, March 28 at 8:30 pm at Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction. You can purchase tickets online here. Lineup:

Jonathan Coulton
Jon Friedman
Chris Genoa
John Green
Sam Lipsyte
Elizabeth Spiers
Brad Steurnagel
& The Nightclub Comedy of a Secret Surprise Comedian Guest!

Hosted by me, Alex Balk and Jon Friedman.

"You shouldn't go to Israel, you shouldn't go you shouldn't go you shouldn't go yslkdjfasdjfsdjsakdjsafjs WAR!"

If you missed last night's Daily Show, this is a must-watch: Sharon Stone's crazy freakout in Israel.

yesterday's news

(Blogger was down all day yesterday, blah.)

* I have an essay in the new (April) issue of Jane, about working for the wife of my favorite author a few years ago (hint: she wasn't nice.) Elizabeth Spiers has a photo on her site (and a funny article in the magazine making fun of celebrity-speak.) There's also a great profile of Audrey in the fashion section and my former roomie Sarah is quoted in an article about celebrity DJs. And Eugene Mirman's site is mentioned in the "blogs to read" section. And that's just what I've noticed by skimming, I haven't read the whole issue yet. Small world!

* Funny: the last scene of Seven (or Se7en, whatever) as acted out by stuffed animals.
I was worried that they wouldn't include the two-frame shot of "Gwyneth", but they did. Blink and you'll miss it. (Incidentally, before I dropped out of college I worked at a movie theater in Tallahassee called "I.C. Flicks." On the last night we showed Seven, me and a coworker snuck into the projection booth and snipped out one of the two frames of Gwyneth's face, just for fun. I still have it somewhere.)

* Hahahahahahahahahaha.

thumbs up for slurpees

* All my friends tease me because I hate Chinese food and everyone else in the world likes it. But I'm the one who's crazy?

* Be in the audience for Tina Fey's new pilot.

* Last night I watched part of America's Next Top Model and all I can say is is that one girl kidding us with the "What Nourishes Me Destroys Me" tattoo? If you're going to flat-out copy a celebrity's tattoo (off the top of my head I can't think of anything lamer), at least get it in the same language they used. Also, what's up with the deaf girl who hasn't told us she's deaf yet? Is that going to be a sweeps shocker? That show makes me really misogynistic and I don't think I can ever watch it again.

* Jonathan Coulton's Flickr: The Movie. Brilliant.

* The Daily Show's Resident Expert John Hodgman on India and Pakistan.

* Highdea: a parody of Post Secret called "Gross Secret", where frat boys send in stories about crapping their pants or whatever.

* And my new IM away message is born.

Readings

I'm doing my third WYSIWYG Talent Show reading on Tuesday, March 21st.

(Speaking of readings, the next Ritalin Reading is Tuesday, March 28th. We're figuring out the lineup, but so far Sam Lipsyte and Jonathan Coulton are participating: yay!)

"can a zombie get a break?"

* The Oscars: life's not fair, people are stupid, stupid things will always be more popular than smart things because more people can understand them, etc. The good news is the Oscars are meaningless, arbitrary and unimportant except as an excuse to get together with friends and be catty (and if you're Will Leitch, take everyone's money.) The Best Picture is the movie you liked the most. (But that said, I totally died laughing at Ben Stiller's green screen gag.) Update: one last thing about Crash: the people who did "Scary Movie" and "Date Movie" should do one called "Bad Movie" and base it on Crash.

* The other night I finally watched my friend Nick Poppy's short film, Zombie-American (starring Ed Helms) and I can't get over how impressed I am with it. It's both a straight-up funny short film and a brilliant satire of the documentary/reality genre. The news section is a little outdated, but sign up for his mailing list to be notified of upcoming screenings.

* Going around: The Simpsons' intro in live action.

balderdash

* I just made a budget using this helpful guide and I thought I'd share it. I've been trying to find a good template for a few weeks -- none of the Excel templates were intuitive for me and this budget ends up looking just like a bank statement. (Note, though: the second formula has a plus sign where a minus should be. It should be "=E2+SUM(C3-D3)") (via Lifehacker)

* This morning I woke up and thought "I wonder if there's something on the internet that can turn any photo into a paint-by-number kit?" And there is, and it's a free trial download: Color By Number. Perfect for people like me who have no patience or talent. I'm having trouble getting the download to work but when I do it's going to be awesome. (First up: Jon Stewart)

* I'm into board games lately -- if you have a suggestion for a good one, email me! (I already have Cranium).

* "I pray that that simplistic Power- Point-presentation-disguised-as-movie that is Crash gets completely shut out." Amen.

not an ad, I just like

Comedy Central has just added a ton of new cellphone stuff, including stuff from The Hazzards, Reno 911 and Christian Finnegan. I was sick the day Christian came in to record his, and I really missed out: my coworker Julie now has a personally-recorded, one of a kind voicemail greeting (Christian, singing a PERFECT over-the-top Morrissey impression):

"You have reached Julie's phone. She's hanging out in the graveyard with the boys who don't care...and never willlll."

I'm SO jealous! Anyway, if they had Sprint (coming soon), I think I would choose this ringtone by The Hazzards.

For those who are interested, there's also wallpaper of a Unicorn peeing a rainbow.

"it's called 'San Miguel', which is Mexican for 'Saint Michael'"

* Comedy Central greenlights David Cross's animated pilot, Freak Show.

* Funny Celebrity Slang.

* And on a scary note, this new Catholic-only town in Florida is of particular interest to me, as my parents (who have been Charismatic Fundamentalists for 30+ years) just announced that they're building a house in a planned Catholic-only development south of Tallahassee. (Journalist trendspotters: go!) It's doubly ironic, since my way of rebelling against them as a teenager was to, no kidding, I swear, attend Catholic youth retreats. But yeah, this should be fun!