Luckily, my friend "Mr. A" does some background work for her, so I was able to cajole her into being a guest advice columnist, answering the pressing questions Lindsayism.com readers have sent in over the past few months. I hope you'll agree that Toni's piercing insight is a real asset to this blog!
Dear Toni,
My boyfriend and I have been living together for four months now. He's a great guy, but lately things have been kind of uncomfortable between us: He hasn't had a job the whole time, and I'm the one who's paying the rent. My resentment has started to spill over in the bedroom. Am I wrong? How can we get our bliss back?
Signed,
Bitter Breadwinner in Boise
Dear Bitter,
Bliss, I learned from being sodomized, is an experience of eternity in a moment of real time. You should let him fuck you in the ass.
Dear Toni,
My wife had a series of rough relationships (with her father, with ex-boyfriends, etc.,) before we met, and, as a result, she holds a lot back. She's also started to become really involved in her church lately, making me feel sort of left out. How can I penetrate this wall she's put up between us?
Signed,
Saviour in Sacramento
Dear Saviour,
Fucking her in the ass will solve both of these problems. The penetration is deeper, more profound; it rides the edge of sanity. The direct path to God has become clear, has been cleared. You open your ass and you open your mind and you open your heart. Seriously, fuck her in the ass. And remember: used condoms go in a special gold box, never the trash.
Dear Toni,
I've been seeing this guy for a couple of months now and I always thought that we were exclusive. Last week I found out that he had been seeing another girl at the same time. He's begged me to forgive him, but I'm not sure. I really like him, but I'm still hurt. Should I give him a second chance?
Signed,
Cuckolded in Kentucky
Dear Cuckold,
Not only should you take him back, you should let him plough your backyard garden. I was once given a second chance, not on the well-trodden vaginal trail, but in a place entirely new to my consciousness -- and it quickly became the site of my consciousness. Trust me, you'll want to die with him in your ass.
Dear Toni,
My wife and I just moved into the house of our dreams, but there's one small problem: The back of the house is almost inaccessible, because the rear entrance is extremely difficult to open. Even if you pound your way in, it's a really tight fit. We've tried greasing the hinges, but we still have a hard time getting things through there. Any advice?
Signed,
Too Big for the Back in Buffalo
Dear Biggie,
You might want to check with a structural engineer in your area, or failing that, a skilled carpenter. Just make sure that he's licensed and bonded by the state.
- Alex Balk and Lindsay Robertson
(Alex Balk and Lindsay Robertson are currently collaborating on a novel, which should be completed whenever they stop procrastinating by writing juvenile stuff like this.)
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