Lindsayism.com

National Be Very Very Nice To Your Ex Day

Wanna hear an urban myth with a shitty anticlimactic ending?

"A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was
there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In
the letter she explained that she had slept
with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to
break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself
back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would
do. He went around to his buddies and collected all
the unwanted photos of women he could find. He
then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes
and without) to his girlfriend with the following
note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove
your picture and send the rest back."

Dear Urban Legend People,
Please make this one better. Make it so he posts the pics on the internet. Make them nude pictures.
Sincerely,
Lindsay
And by the way, do people actually do that? Wait...googling...oh...yes, yes they do. (nsfw)
Wow.

This Review Was Helpful In Making Me Laugh

"Never have I seen such disgusting filth; I loved it. _Frightmare_ is one of my favourites in my collection of 16 000 pornographic comic books. Mozart's music, Shakespeare's writings, Keane's porn--some men are Titans..." When smartasses write Amazon reviews It went around the internet a few years ago, but then Amazon took it down. Some of it is back. Get ready to, as the saying goes, "LOL." Incidentally, I had Bil Keane's entire canon as a child, because I was a dork then too. It would be funny if he did editorial cartoons ("Not Me" and "Ida Know" running from the WTC, etc.) (This post was sorta inspired by the low culture comic post today. Yes, I'm giving credit to websites for making me think about semiunrelated things now.)

She Told Everyone I Should Take Flute Lessons Because I Was "Good With My Tongue"

Lessons From My Most Embarassing Moments: *Don't let your Mom anywhere near your seventh grade class. *Don't wear days-of-the-week underwear and a ruffled skirt in the presence of a bully. *Never trust a cheerleader. *Or a 13 year old boy who wants to show you something in the closet.

I Can't Believe He Doesn't Remember Sleeping With Me

Grambo: Portrait of a 'Blogger

(Words I Hate)

So I just started to read this thing that everyone's linking to today, but I had to stop after nine words, because the tenth and eleventh were "making love," and that is my least favorite phrase in the English language. When I was about 9 years old, my best friend Brook and I were filling out contest forms we found in a cereal box, and one of the questions was "Sex: M or F?" After staring at it and giggling for a few minutes, and after some debate, we concluded that "M or F?" meant "Do you call it "making love" or "fucking"?" (Come on, it was our first time encountering this question.) We had no idea why Frosted Flakes needed to know our preferences on this matter, but we wanted the prize so we filled it out and sent it in. The first time I remember really loathing that phrase was in tenth grade biology class. We were watching a film strip about safe sex, and in one scene a nurse was showing a teenage girl how to properly use a condom. "Every time you make love" she said, gently ripping open the foil "You use a new one of these. Each and every time you make love. If you make love more than once, use a new one. Understand?" My friend Trava and I immediately locked alarmed eyes at this development. "Ew" Trava mouthed as I mimed sticking a finger down my throat. When I hear someone use the phrase "making love", I immediately think of three scenarios. First, I think of the first time my Mom sat me down and told me about what mommies and daddies do when they love each other very much. I then think of the original Joy of Sex, with those overly naturalistic drawings of bearded hippies in various positions. Next, I think of an imaginary older French gentleman, breathing on me and cupping my chin in his hands and saying "I vant to make luff to you dahling." None of these images is remotely sexy and frankly, I'm getting literally nauseous as I type this. If I were to enter a contest on the back of a Frosted Flakes form today, I would choose "F", of course, and it would be secretly doubly appropriate. Oh, and I don't like that Bad Company song, either.

Now Somebody Go Do a Parody On Salon.com

The Neal Pollack Invasion is back.

Of Course He Did. Of Course.

"Goldberg said that on the final day of the show the musician Beck came in and bought five Neck Faces." (No matter how many times I read it, it's still funny.)

Event

Tomorrow night: The Coastal Drag EP release party at Sin-e.

Best Boy-Bait Subway Reading: Tropic of Cancer

The next guy staring at you on the subway could be Jason Productshop (The thing I miss the most about Brooklyn are the boys on the L train.)

Dare To Daydream

Last week I asked for Non Sexual Fantasies. I'm only posting the ones that followed instructions: must be over-the-top and embarassing, like mine. Here are the two that fit the bill: "I spent the summer of '96 in a perpetual daydream state, crafting this absurd story about stone temple pilots, a band I never had more than a passing interest in. MTV had aired this special that showed the band recording their new album, and for some reason i was fascinated--the thought of living in a big house in California with stone temple pilots sounded like fun. and so the daydream began: I'm in California with my parents. we're on vacation and i'm driving my rental car through a deserted stretch of land when i get a flat tire. I walk to the nearest house and ring the bell, hoping to ask to use the phone to call my mom. scott weiland answers the door, and I get all excited/nervous realizing that i've stumbled upon the home of stone temple pilots. i've obviously interupted some kind of jam session or something, but the guys are gracious and they let me use their phone. by the time my mom arrives a half hour later, the boys have taken a liking to me, and they ask my Mom if I can stay with them in the house, just until the end of the summer. so I stay. I help them out with the recording of their new album, bang a cymbal here and there, you know. at the end of the summer, the boys are very attached to me and don't want me to go back to school, so they hire me on as their intern. they pay me a ridiculous sum of money to hang out with them. and then, on the night of the mtv video music awards, they win an award and drag me up onstage with them, explaining to the audience that I was their inspiration and an honorary member of the band. then i get scott weiland off drugs, buy him a dog, and reunite him with his estranged wife. the end." -Eliza Jane (aka the future Mrs. Lapatine)

And:

"Mine are ALL really over-the-top and embarrasing, but have a unifying theme: Raging but unrealistic late-in-life success at something that would normally take a really really long time to get good at. Specific variations on this theme include but are not limited to:

-Singing (Scenario: I have to fill in for the singer of some crap band here in town and no one will let me leave the stage until I agree to become their full-time singer. A record contract and untold riches follow.)

-Designing cool clothes (I run out of clean clothes and am forced to sew two halves of different shirts together or something equally weird; some fashion insider spots me and won't let me out of their sight until I agree to design a whole collection of half-and-half shirts. Licensing agreements and untold riches follow.)

-Acting (On a lark, I agree to be in someone's short film project which inexplicably ends up at Sundance and I become the darling of independent films. Wads of cool free stuff and untold riches follow.)

-And, most embarassingly of all, figure skating. Or gymnastics, but only the floor exercise. Because, of course, there's music."

- MG

And my two worst ones:
1. I win the lottery or something and buy the Domino Sugar Factory in Williamsburg. I handpick thirty or so friends to live there with me and have like a non-hippie collective type thing. We start a record label, an independent publishing company, and a magazine. It's like Martha Stewart's empire, except all indie and cool. I guess it's closer to Warhol, but not pretentious, and more about music than art. We have a huge studio where we can basically create anything we want, on a whim. People (Karen O., Jeff Mangum, Mike Doughty) start asking to join us and we let them. It's not really a commune because each person has their own suite and we don't really share anything and have our own lives and stuff, and it definitely doesn't eventually get corrupted by jealousy and human weakness like it does in every utopian novel ever written. We all live long happy lives and years later they still talk about us, like the Beats or something. Yeah, I know.

2. Some sort of cataclysmic paradigm shift occurs in the culture that makes writers as sexy and interesting as rock stars, and somehow I end up on the cover of Rolling Stone, either in that aforementioned Julian's hands pose or the Jennifer Aniston one from a few years ago where you could totally see her ass. Inside, there's an interview with me in which I am charming, intelligent, and hysterically funny, and the interviewer (Chuck Klosterman) claims at the end of the interview to have fallen in love with me. Later, the interview appears in The Best Magazine Writing of 2005, and is nominated for a new Pulitzer category for Best Celebrity Journalism. There's also an almost-nude pictorial similar to Drew Barrymore's breathtaking gothic one from a few years ago, in which I've been photoshopped and airbrushed to within an inch of my life. Somewhere in the world, my 7th grade crush jerks off to it every night for a week. Then, I host Saturday Night Live, and the musical guest is The Strokes, and I leave with them from the after-after party...
(The end, as far as this assignment is concerned.)

One Of Those Posts

Saturday night, me and Ben and his out of town friends Priti and Alan went to this benefit thing at Chelsea Piers that Sarah Ultra was djiing. It was an odd scene, like a high school dance, and we found out later that everyone there was a student at Yale (we were only there to hang out with Sarah). So we were in the bathroom line and this girl walked by and I was staring at her because I couldn't figure out whether I went to high school with her or she was on a reality show. Then, I realized it was Barbara Bush, the brunette Bush Twin. Our exchange: Me: "you're my favorite Bush Twin." Her: (Staring, blinking) "what?" Me: "um, I don't know, nevermind." Her: Staring. Too drunk to speak. Starts to fall over, but guy friend catches her. I haven't seen someone that drunk since college! Like father like daughter, I guess. Next we went to Misshapes at Luke and Leroy's to see Audrey dj, and cute boys talked to me. Then, I executed extremely poor judgement and chose to take the A train home at 4 am instead of a cab, wobbling on high heels that I kept falling off of. I got home safe, though. I highly recommend Misshapes, by the way.

But It Has Nothing To Do With the Recent Change In My, Um, Friendster Profile

Don't ask me why I was reading Craig's List over the weekend, but I couldn't help but notice that my favorite movie of all time struck a chord with the missed connections set. It would, I guess.

Coachella Is For Suckers (Ok, Sour Grapes, but This Looks Fun)

This is awesome: Found Magazine is throwing a free party on a boat May 1st to celebrate the release of their book! All you have to do is email for tickets. Hurry! Here's the information:

To celebrate the release of the FOUND book (Simon & Schuster/Fireside), Davy Rothbart and Jason Bitner request your presence aboard the Star of Palm Beach for FOUND Magazine's 4th annual Players' Ball!

Join us as we set sail into the New York City harbor for a night of FOUND thrills, chills, and spills-- we'll intoxicate you with our favorite finds from the FOUND book, and also a cash bar. Plus FOUND musical mischief from Peter Rothbart (the Poem Adept) and turntable revelry from Philly's finest, DJ Mala-D. And don't forget-- bring your own finds to share!

The Players' Ball is free to all friends of FOUND-- but YOU MUST HAVE A TICKET! To receive tickets, write an email to playersball@foundmagazine.com. You may request two tickets, but you must include a name and current email address for each guest. We also need the mailing address for where you'd like your tickets sent and a phone number for the contact person in your group.

Our book release cruise departs from Pier #40 off the West Side Highway at 8:00 pm sharp! The pier is easy to reach by subway, car, or bus-- directions are below. We'll begin loading at 7:00 pm. Come early! Only the first 500 Players are guaranteed admission. We'll be back on dry land by 11:00 pm.

Dress up or dress down, but come to Play. True Playazz Only. No Player-Hating Permitted. See you May 1st!!!

He Has His Sunday Nights Back

Time to bid farewell to Will Leitch's so-long-running column, "Life As A Loser." His 200th, and last, is up. Congratulations Will!

More Colorful, Still Daily

My designer was moved this weekend to redraw and recolor the top image of this site. I thought it was great before, but I like it even better now. So now we're at version 2. Thanks, Ben! (You can stop now, seriously. It's perfect.)

Wit and Wisdom: Carmen Electra

In the new US Weekly: "Life's not worth living unless there's a camera around." -Carmen Electra Sound familiar?

I Was a C. I Was a C-H. I was a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N.

I saw a trailer for the movie Saved last weekend. An over the top send-up of a Baptist high school starring Jena Malone and Mandy Moore? I am soooo there.

That Cute Guy Has To Be Lost

Awww, it's a blog nerd convention at SXSW

Reading Comprehension, Folks

Hi dear internet pals, please stop emailing and im-ing me to whine that your link is not up. I explained below that in the interest of getting the site live as soon as possible, I decided to work on the links after it was up.

My Own Private Average Joe

So last night I finally took that match.com physical attraction test everyone keeps sending around, and according to my report, these dudes are my type:

and

I had to take the test three times to get it to stop telling me I like preppy jocks. Yeah, sounds unscientific, but the fact is nearly all of the choices were unattractive because I didn't like their haircuts and I kept having to squint and imagine them with better hair and holding guitars. I picked one guy just because he looked vaguely British and I like British music.

The hardest part of the test was "choose the men you think would be attracted to you." What is that? How do you do that? Pick the ones who look gayest? So then I get to the part that tells me I'm "very picky." It offers this advice: "Let others fight over the "movie stars" and you'll find a more unique guy who can be your own personal "hunk." Um, thank you, but this is just a fun little test that's not to be trusted because of all the bad hair. I'm not going to base my life on it, thank you very much.

I've been told often that my taste in women sucks, so I decided to take the test as if I was a man attracted to women, and my friend Glenn would take it too, and we'd compare scores. For half an hour or so, the room was filled with the sounds of rejection, as Glenn and I took turns unceremoniously dismissing the uglier candidates, clicking their pictures like that game "whack-a-mole" and yelling "gone!" "unattractive!" "ew!" "woof!" It was interesting to see how we differed in our choices.

The best part was when we got to the body shape part where you have to choose between two female bodies, and I insisted that the two we were looking at were absolutely identical, but Glenn saw them as completely different.

The test has infinite possibilities for parody, particularly the part of the test where you see an array of constantly changing photos and you have to click on them as fast as you can to either choose or unchoose them. Off the top of my head, throwing in a few drag queens, mentally challenged adults, michael jackson, jeffrey dahmer, and an animal or two could lead to hilarious results on the report page.

The test just goes way too fast to make good choices - hence my original misdiagnosis as a lover of football-playing fratboys. For the record, it also said that I don't like men over 30, and that I don't like men under 30, so there are some obvious kinks to work out. The biggest problem with the test is that one doesn't choose potential mates based on basic looks. At least girls don't.

The first two times I took the test, I took forever to make choices because I kept trying to read their faces to figure out their personalities, intelligence, taste in music, sense of humor, and politics. Realizing that I couldn't tell those things from a picture, I had to fall back on the only guarantee: a pretty face. So this test doesn't really work. But it sure was fun!

Paragraph Four: Oh Yes, Of Course.

I don't much care about Guns 'n Roses, but this is really good.

Everything Is Shiny and New and Buzzing With Possibility

Hello, welcome to the new Lindsayism.com, designed as the Best Birthday Present Ever by the object of my eternal gratitude, and the future recipient of a lifetime supply of adoration, my very darling and oft-mentioned friend Ben Chappel. Ben wishes me to mention that I "forced him" to make the site live before he was done with it, and that he'll be implementing changes soon (like maybe a breast reduction, haha). Whatever. I can't decide if the chemicals this redesign releases in my brain make it my new child or my new boyfriend, but I'm flying on some sort of oxytocin/endorphin/tylenol cold cocktail that's making me literally jump up and down and blanket Ben's non-erogenous zones with kisses while saying things one usually associates with cigarette-y afterglows. One thing - the links section is very incomplete and has needed updating for the past 3 months, so if your site isn't linked and it should be, it will be soon. Yay!

The Cover of Rolling Stone Wearing Only Two Hands. And They're Julian's Hands.

What do we do during the few seconds each day when there's no media around to consume? Daydream, of course. I have several little silly fantasies that I revisit when I'm bored, ranging from the ridiculous (My Own Island) to the possible-but-unlikely (Three Month Road Trip.) What are your "Non-Sexual Fantasies? Email me: lindsay(at)lindsayism(dot)com. Make them really over-the-top and embarrassing, like mine. I'll put them up here next week or something.

Thanks to everyone who came

Thanks to everyone who came out last night! The reading was packed, and we hadn't even mentioned the free cheese and crackers. Thanks to Jasper for setting it all up, and to Maura, Sarah, Jami, Josh, Andrew, Whitney, and Will for being awesome! (I really want to make a joke here about next month's Cialis Reading, but I'll spare you.)

Gothamist scrapes the bottom of

Gothamist scrapes the bottom of the barrel today. Now come to the first Ritalin Reading tonight so my dream that nobody showed up (including the readers) doesn't come true!

(Tomorrow night: I host Ritalin

(Tomorrow night: I host Ritalin Readings at Piano's.)

Meet Me In Montauk

I saw Eternal Sunshine for the second time on Saturday, and I highly recommend a second viewing. You see everything as more of a whole and the whole deja-vu element is that much more real. The movie is like the Marines - it breaks you down to a cynic so it can build you back up again as a romantic. I think it's going to spawn a lot of imitations and cultish fanaticism. There should be an ESOTSM fan site called "BlueRuin.com" Ok, anyway, enough babbling, here are some links: *An E Online article about Eternal Sunshine trivia. (warning: don't click unless you've seen the movie. other warning: E Online article.) *"I read that in my Bartlett's" Bartlett's Familiar Quotations online. *I thought I was soooo smart and I was going to be the first person to say "Focus Features is the new Miramax." But I was wrong. *Need a tide-over before another viewing? Watch five clips and two trailers at the Focus site (click "media") *Or stream the entire soundtrack for free. *Charlie Kaufman - possibly the only (non-directing) screenwriter with his own fan site. *In the happy little dream world in which I live, where everyone is curious and smart and cool, I fantasized thatEternal Sunshine would conquer the box office this weekend, unseating the Mel Gibson Monstrosity and everything else. But this is the real world and it came in sixth. (Consolation Prize: at least Good triumphed over Hidalgo)

Saturday night something pretty bad

Saturday night something pretty bad happened: I left my wallet in a cab with $150, my ID, and tons of other important stuff in it. It sucks, because If I was the person who found my wallet, it would be worth more than $150 to me to shock the hell out of the owner by returning it intact. But, whatever. It's been over 36 hours and I'm probably not getting it back.

New technology about to make

New technology about to make everything really really awkward.

Drunk Diary I wrote in

Drunk Diary I wrote in my notebook last night: Eternal Sunshine, Molly's dad, slower.net, Lockhart. I know what the other stuff means, obvs, but I'm not sure what I was going to say about Lockhart. Oh well, here: Lockhart rocks! Done.

It's Finally Out Stop Surfing

It's Finally Out Stop Surfing and go see Eternal Sunshine already! NYC Showtimes.

Pictures Are Pretty I like

Pictures Are Pretty I like slower.net

Last night, my friend Molly

Last night, my friend Molly Simms told me what her dad does for a living, and it's the coolest thing ever! Molly's dad's jingles (these are just the ones I can remember): "Saturday TV Funhouse. TV Funhouse! TV Funhouse!" "Li-ving in a material world. Li-ving in a material world." "Get yourself some alka seltzer and you'll feel better fast" "Micromachines! Micromachines! MICROMACHINES!" And there are tons more. In telling me this story, Molly basically sang a medley of all the commercials from my childhood. And the very coolest thing of all is, Molly's dad was asked to do a Bush re-election ad, and he refused on principle. So. Best.

God, I wish that blogs

God, I wish that blogs were more well-known, so that every man, woman, and child could appreciate the genius of this TMFTML parody.

You Can Feel My Lips

You Can Feel My Lips Undress Your Eyes... So I have no idea if there's already a video for FF's Darts of Pleasure, and I'm too lazy to look it up, but yesterday I was listening to it on the subway and got an idea for a video. It's kinda cliche but it would really work for that song. Setting: subway car full of boys and girls, all listening to headphones, and they're all having this intermittent little fantasy about everyone dancing and lights flashing and stuff, listening to the song, and by the end everyone's gotten up and is dancing and wearing different clothes and singing along to the "superfantastique" line and then the song ends and they're back to normal and they all get off the subway and go their separate ways, never knowing they were all listening to the same song. The End. (And yes, I thought of that because I wondered if the guy next to me was listening to FF too. I mean, it was the L train!)

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS sends the

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS sends the message of Will Leitch out to the four corners of the Earth (This means that my parents could be reading it in the Tallahassee Democrat right now! That rules.)

Happy Birthday, A.J. Daulerio! Here

Happy Birthday, A.J. Daulerio! Here are some things most people don't know about AJ: 1. The A stands for "Alistair" 2. The J stands for "Jesus" 3. AJ was hospitalized in 1985 after a near-fatal pop rocks/coke incident. 4. AJ was hopitalized in 1986, and they pumped his stomach, and I'm not going to say what they found gallons of, but let's just say he had to work pretty hard to get it there. 5. When AJ was a kid, he saw this dude let this other dude drown in a river, and he wrote about it, and then at the Black Table reading a few weeks ago, he was reading the story and the dude who let the guy drown actually showed up and was in the front row! 6. Also at the Black Table reading, AJ swallowed a live cricket! 7. AJ was born with both male and female parts. 8. AJ never put a gerbil anywhere interesting, but he did start that rumor about Richard Gere on his school playground in 1984, and one of the kids on the playground had an uncle "in the business" who spread it around Hollywood. The rest is gerbil history. 9. To get his spot as Editor of the Black Table, AJ had to kiss Will Leitch and shack up with Eric Gillin. There ya go. And one of those is actually TRUE!

I did my first-ever reading

I did my first-ever reading in New York last night (the only other one I've done was in Detroit at the Haypenny.com 1-year anniversary party), and it was extremely fun and I loved it and now I want to be a STAR so watch out! Afterwards I met New Yorkish and anonymous outsider and we had this conversation about how linking to people you've hung out with on your 'blog is so played out and how we're not going to mention it, but I've decided to party like it's November 2003 and do it anyway. So there. After last night's reading, I'm extremely excited for Tuesday's Ritalin Reading!

(yay) The Information has signed

(yay) The Information has signed to Primary Voltage Records, who will put out their LP later this year. Also they have this new song that's never been recorded (except by me on the "voice memo" feature of my phone, but that's a story for Dorks Anonymous) called "A Simple Plan" that is going to make all the girls cry. Congratulations Ashley, Brad, Deb, Heath, Max, and Zack!

Quickies: *My friends in the

Quickies: *My friends in the band Pilot To Gunner urge everyone to watch their video over at Fuse (and hopefully vote for it!) *Only like five people will find this funny, but I am one of them. (It's a site that posts funny made-up "gossip" about bloggers. Like, as if bloggers were interesting. Get it?) *I am firmly on the Franz Ferdinand bandwagon as of this weekend. How could I not be, when the f**kers wrote a song about my life? And now I have the distinction of being the 547th person to 'blog about them. *I recently saw Whit Stillman's "Barcelona" for the first time in years, and it really holds up. I used to like that movie so much that a friend put a sound clip from the movie on a mixed tape (yes, tape) for me. The clip was a bit of dialogue about "Maneuver X," and he put it right before "Fake Plastic Trees." So I googled it, and there's a whole little page devoted to Maneuver X. *Speaking of movie dialogue, I saw "Basquiat" for the first time yesterday (starring Courtney Love's old face!) and found this bit of dialogue amusing, especially if you apply it to music: Basquiat: How long do you think it takes to get famous? Benny: For a musician or a painter? Basquiat: Whatever. Famous. To where you can do your stuff all day without thinking about anything else. Benny: Umm. Four years. Six to get rich. Benny: First, you have to dress right. Then, you have to hang out all the time. With famous people. The right people, the right chicks, the right parties. And you gotta do your work all the time when you're not doing that. The same kinda work, the same style--- over and over again, so people recognize it and don't get confused. Then, once you're famous, you have to keep doing it the same way, even after it's boring--unless you want people to really get mad at you--which they will anyway.

*Brian Last Stop posted a

*Brian Last Stop posted a poem a girl wrote for Elijah Wood when he was on TRL last week. And it is very funny. *Scott Stereogum wraps up Saturday's SNL episode (Affleck, N.E.R.D.), which was surprisingly good. Fred Armisen was hilarious as a mentally challenged person who predicts the failure of "Gigli." Also, best Saturday TV Funhouse ever. Is it just me or does N.E.R.D. kinda S.U.C.K.?

Events, Events Tonight: SOB STORIES,

Events, Events Tonight: SOB STORIES, with host Christian Finnegan The Marquee 356 Bowery (btwn Great Jones & E. 4th St.) 8:00PM $5.00 THIS MONTH'S THEME: CRAPPY ROOMMATES! Featuring Fred Armisen(who killed on SNL Saturday, more on that in a sec), Greg Proops, and others. And it's hosted by one of my favorite comedians (and someone I know solely because I kept coming up and bugging him after Eating It shows), Christian Finnegan. * Tomorrow Night: 7:30 P.M. at PS122 I'll be one of the readers at the The WYSIWYG Talent Show Theme: The Ides of March: Stories of Love, Friendship, and Betrayal. Click the link for all the information. * And Next Week: The very first night of my Ritalin Reading Series at Piano's! Next week's readers: Josh Abraham (editor, Yankee Pot Roast) Jami Attenberg (Salon.com, Nylon, author, Deli Life) Andrew Hearst (Lingua Franca, Nerve, Village Voice) Maura Johnston (maura.com, Blender, Village Voice ) Will Leitch (author, Life As A Loser; editor, The Black Table) Sarah Lewitinn ( (SPIN, Ultragrrrl.com) Whitney Pastorek (NPR, McSweeney's; editor, Pindeldyboz) Presented by Lindsayism.com and jenyk/dot/com

Still Colorful, Still Daily, But

Still Colorful, Still Daily, But Soon To Be All "Well Designed" and Stuff... For my birthday, my friend Ben gave me the greatest gift one person can give another: a complete redesign of her website. In a few weeks, this site won't look like any other - this time, in a good way! I'm counting the seconds until it's up.

Best Birthday Evs! Dudes. That

Best Birthday Evs! Dudes. That was a great party, huh? I had sooo much fun. I'll use any excuse to have more parties at Siberia in the future. I passed around a guestbook ("It's like on the internet...but in real life. Get it?"), the entries in which become progressively sillier as you turn the pages, as people got more and more drunk. Some of my favorite entries: -"Evan touched me and I liked it." -"You have to hand it to a blind prostitute." -"...Hopefully we can talk in a place that isn't so noisy next time." - (this was written by Chris the DJ's fiancee. I find that really funny.) Thanks so much to everybody who came, to Audrey and Chris for DJing, and to Tracy at Siberia! Totally awesome night. More pictures, below. Ben and Sarah Stephanie and me Andy signs the guestbook Cindy, Will, Eric

Happy Birthday to Liza Minelli,

Happy Birthday to Liza Minelli, Jack Kerouac, Shauna McKenna, and me. (I made a little Amazon wish list for my fam, may as well put it here too, right?) Now Come to my birthday party! Info again: Tonight Siberia (40th btw 8 and 9) DJs Melody Nelson and also last-minute addition Chris Ott from Pitchfork! (And I'll be giving out drink tickets in exchange for french kisses.)

Happy Birthday to Liza Minelli,

Happy Birthday to Liza Minelli, Jack Kerouac, and Me. I made my first Amazon wish list for my fam - may as well put it up here, too! (Now, come to my birthday party tonight!.)

"When In Doubt, F*** And

"When In Doubt, F*** And Run..." She may not write good songs anymore, but Lizzy Phair gives great sex advice. Her second column is up, at Nerve. And here was the first. *

So last night I watched

So last night I watched "48 Hours" for some reason, and they did a story on this chick named Angela Shelton, a model/actress/screenwriter who made this documentary where she travels the country in an RV, meeting other women named Angela Shelton. Along the way she discovers that many of them were abused by men (molested, raped, etc.) just as she was by her father. So in the end she finds her father and confronts him and then has this huge breakdown in the RV where she's screaming and jumping up and down and throwing things. The name of the movie is "Searching For Angela Shelton", and at the end of the 48 Hours, she rips off the "Searching for" part of her t-shirt and says "I'm no longer searching for Angela Shelton. I'm no longer searching for me" and then she cries. Then, she says "I'm not a victim...I'm a survivah, baby!" And then it's over. I must be a really bad person, because this was one of the funniest hours of television I've ever seen. I guess I'm way out of touch with the Oprah demo, 'cause all I could think while I was watching it was "I can't wait to link to this and say "This chick Angela Shelton traveled the country to find out why chicks named Angela Shelton are always asking for it."

When In Doubt, F*** and

When In Doubt, F*** and Run... Lizzy Phair may not write good songs anymore, but she sure does give great sex advice. Her second column is up at Nerve. and in case you missed it, here's the first.

DATE MY FRIEND #1*: Sarah

DATE MY FRIEND #1*: Sarah Ultragrrrl

If you read Spin magazine, you've probably seen my first Date My Friend subject before. Her name is Sarah Lewitinn, and she has a column called "Making Out With Ultragrrrl." She also does the 'blog Ultragrrrl.com.When I first saw pictures of Sarah with hot rockstars in Spin, I was so jealous I couldn't see straight, and when I knew I was going to meet her, I was kinda nervous because I thought she'd be all "too cool" and stuff. But I couldn't be more wrong. Sarah is one of the most genuine, sincere, and sweet people I've ever met. And she's absolutely hilarious. So I went from being jealous that she's so cool and hangs out with rockstars, to being jealous that she's so cool, hangs out with rockstars, and is infinitely adorable and funny, in a matter of minutes. Last night I was staring at her and it occurred to me that Sarah is the kind of girl that you want to trap in a room and never let out because she's so entertaining that she's all you'll ever need. Here is her Date My Friend interview:

1. Like, who is totally your ultimate celebrity crush?
Basically, I would like to be impregnated by Johnny Depp, Ewan McGregor, or Jude Law. And I wouldn't be against getting herpes from Kate Moss if the opportunity ever presented itself.

2. Pantene or Herbal Essences?
I really, really, really hate washing my hair.

3. Are you typically the dump-er or the dump-ee?
Hmm... I think that'd require me getting into a long term relationship right? or any relationship right? I think that technically, my last boyfriend was when i was 18 or 19, and I broke up with him. He hated me for a year or two. Actually, most of my relationships are long distance, so i let the atlantic break us up. I'm such a pussy.

4. (With apologies to A.J. Daulerio's brilliant Rock and a Hard Place interview series at The Black Table), if you had to never have sex again or eat nothing but cat food for the rest of your life, which would you choose and why?
I'd never have sex again. Apart from cat food not being kosher, I love food too much to give it up i think. Whoa. How sad?

5. Are you a date-person or a hangout-person? Why?
Dates are so awkward and I can't really justify running off to the bathroom to make out with boys if I'm on a date.

6. Quick! Name three dealbreakers (besides the obvious racism, etc.)
is racism that much of a deal breaker?
foreskin
body order (or bad cologne!)
snoring

7. How important is it to you to date someone of your religion?
It's not really important for me to date anyone in my religion, but I gotta marry a Jew. Otherwise I'll be tossed out of the family forever. Not to sound defeatist, but marriages dont last these days and if I end up divorcing my partner after a couple years i'll have no one to turn to other than my family. Plus, there's this huge fortune that i'm promised when i marry jew. But I think i've only dated 1 or 2 Jews in my life cause most jewish boys out there freak the fuck out of me.

8. What is the longest relationship you've ever had?
A few months -- but i've been in love for years.

9. Describe a personal theory you have about guys and girls or relationships.
Men are pussies. Women are idiots. We're better off alone until it's time to get married and have babies.

10. What is the creepiest thing that has happened to you as a result
of your Spin column?
Either I'm really fucking oblivious, or I'm really that fucking uninteresting to my readers, because nothing creepy has happened as a result. Unless you count the emo bands that come up to me and are like "are you that girl wearing the muse shirt in spin?" Yeah, that's pretty creepy. So far, that column has gotten me no blow jobs in the bathroom.

11. Do you have a type? What is it?
Hot. Like Johnny Depp.

12. Describe a really good conversation you've had recently.
I think the best conversation i had was with my friend Vicki. We were discussing her theory that Paris Hilton is the most democratic person in the history of high society since she's willing to fuck just about anyone. We also discussed Britney Spears at length. Also, my friend Bruce drunk dialed me from London and it was maybe the best conversation we'd ever had.

13. What are you looking for right now?
Someone who wont try to interfere with my shallow lifestyle.

LIKES: Being a self-made hundredaire.

HATES: The fact that there are no Puerto Ricans in London.

(Wanna date Sarah? Check out her website!)

*Not to be confused with that Friendster dating thing of the same name.