Lindsayism.com

High Horses Not High Heels

* Vulture: Only 5.9% of today's Emmy-nominated late night comedy writers are women.

* (Possibly) Related:  Women think Sex and the City is funny. (Personally, I think the dearth of women in comedy is less "women aren't funny" and more "women are perceived as not being funny", but nobody's helping the situation by making up words like "shoegasm.")

* Totally Unrelated: Holy $%*, a guy shot himself in the head while being caught on "To Catch a Predator" a year and a half ago.

* Idea: an RSS feed feature that automatically eliminates posts with certain tags from your feed. Inspiration: Harry Potter.

 

I Kid Because I Love

I know this is a little late, but I keep meaning to get to it and forgetting and Emily's post just reminded me: I totally broke up with a longtime boyfriend on March 13, 2004. That band guy? What's his face? Anyway, please leave your condolences and tell your own breakup stories and ask me out in the comments. Thanks!

Also: should I eat ice cream and if so, what kind?

Knocked Up!

Pretty much everyone I know saw Knocked Up this past weekend, and everyone I've talked to has said some version of "It was more heartwarming than I expected." Most of them mean that in a slightly pejorative way ("heartwarming" not being a compliment in my circles). I said it, too, though I might have lost my pejorative-use-of-heartwarming privileges when I got misty at the end (so did all my friends, though.)...

(Spoiler Alerts: the following half-assed analysis of the movie's stance on gender relations may spoil the next five minutes of your life, or possibly certain aspects of the movie if you've lived under a rock for the past month.)

 

When Retards Attempt Satire: Neighborhood Barbies

Okay, so this is kind of fish-in-a-barrel, but the only thing funny about this "parody" of New York neighborhoods through their corresponding Barbie dolls is how hysterically wrong it is. You know those stupid forwards sent around by well-meaning-but-clueless Moms and spinsters with cats? I imagine this is that sort of thing for the chick-lit-reading, sample-sale-squealing, $400-shoe-buying sucker set:

I give you, the parodist's Barbie representation of the Lower East Side (of what, I'm not sure. Maybe somewhere in Arkansas?):

"Lower East Side Barbie"

"This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ..unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about."

Um, what? Was this EVER the Lower East Side?

The rest are here. (Park Slope and Red Hook are also unintentionally funny, but for all I know, Bensonhurst is dead-on.)

(I Sent Her the Link. It Was the Right One.)

(Pasted with permission. If you've read this site for a while you might find this amusing.)

To: Me

From: [XXXX]

Sent: Just now

Subject: Oh Dear Lord Help Me Find This Link...

"This is totally a shot in the dark, as I'm not sure it was your blog where I read about this:

Quite a while ago you wrote about a blog written by a self-important female, who wrote about her expensive travels and rich boyfriends. She apparently was from old money or something and had reddish hair. You mocked her self importance, which was hilarious. 

I can't remember anything else about the blog in question, except that her boyfriend at the time you wrote about her blog made his money by playing poker (LR: I don't remember this, but then, I only ever skimmed).

She also had a photo collection of the evolution of her hair styles, which made her appear insanely self-absorbed. It's driving me crazy that I can't find this blog! I was telling my friend about it and wanted to show him, but I can't find it! If you know what I'm talking about, please email me the url when you get a chance. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then this will probably sound like the ramblings of a lunatic and I'm sorry!"

(Something tells me XXXX will have a lot of fun catching up.)

"structural and cheek issues"

Wow. Has anyone ever begged for a takedown like this woman? I mean, there isn't even anything you can say! (Except a silent cheer for "Terrence")

(But this site does a good job)

UPDATE, from her 50,000 word "About Me" page:

"Various ex-boyfriends: I had three not very serious relationships in the three year period between Brien and Terrence. You might find mentions of them in the archives as the Mensa guy, the lawyer, and "Mr. Indecisive"."

You. Cannot. Make. This. Shit. Up.

Jacqueline Passey Paisley Mackie Whatever, welcome to the 'Sitting There, Just Waiting to Suck' section of my RSS feed.

a new dimension in which to suck

Q: Why is Modern Love now available as a podcast?

A: So blind people can hate it too.

My Field Trip to Saks

On Saturday I went to Saks for the first time in my life (and almost certainly the last, though it was fun in an anthropological observation way.) My friend and I noticed the counter for De La Mer, makers of the famously expensive Creme De La Mer ($110 per ounce). When we walked by, my friend said "Let's get samples!" She marched right up to the counter and grabbed a tub and opened it while I stood in awe, but it was empty. A salesgirl rushed up and my friend said confidently "We'd like a sample, please."

The look on the salesgirl's face was priceless -- a combination of eyerolling, sighing and silently judging us all in one look. She got out a precious tub of the priceless creme and used a mini spackler to apply a microscopic amount to each of our hands, instructing us in her Eastern European accent to pat it on our faces, not to rub. I just slapped it on my cheeks and started rubbing. "No, you are doing it wrong! Do not rub!" So I started patting, but it was taking too long so I rubbed again. The salesgirl stared at me angrily. "You are clogging your pores right now. That is what you are doing, you are clogging your pores" (imagine Natasha of Boris and Natasha saying this.) My friend and I laughed all the way out of the store and down the street, doing imitations. "You are clogging your pores right now! You are trash and you are clogging your pores. Tonight, you will die in your sleep." (Oh, if you're wondering what makes Creme De La Mer so special, don't ask me. I think you could get the same effect with Vaseline. Pat, don't rub!)

Paging the MacArthur Foundation

Some dark genius had a dark night of the soul and somehow found a way to make Sex and the City EVEN MORE STUPID.

(Note that it's not even the real, shitty actors saying the shitty lines, it's some shitty voiceover actors saying the vapid, bad-pun-laden, written by a 13-year-old, lines instead! "I wanted a man who could commit...not a man who was committed!")

* I finally thought of

* I finally thought of something to say about Maureen Dowd aka last month's news: When a woman says "There are just not enough SUCCESSFUL men who like SUCCESSFUL women"...

The first "successful" means "rich" and the second "successful" means "enjoys shopping." Please take a moment to let the undisputable truth of this statement wash over you. Then think of all the women you know who say this. I know, right?

* Speaking of, I hear that among the attendees of Andrew Krucoff's going away party last night (to which I didn't make it, unfortunately) was none other than Jessica Cutler. She's using my quote on her official site too, which is funny.

* Said over Scrabble last night:
"If "Jizzpie" is a word, then "Jizzpier" is also a word."

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!