Inhaling Pig Brains May Be Cause of New Illness, Is Hottest New Culinary Trend
Okay, first, and this is weird, I'm kind of into Facebook. Not the applications or anything, just for keeping track of my friends. Anyway, I am obsessed with Facebook gifts and nobody in my life cares but I have a blog, so I'm going to talk about it here.
Everyone knows Facebook gifts are stupid (for the non-facebookers: they're tiny jpg images that cost a dollar each to give), but yesterday's was a camera. A CAMERA!!! (it looked very similar to this):
I can almost understand a teddy bear or a martini glass (but not really), but a CAMERA? A camera is a tool. You may as well give someone a picture of a pencil sharpener.
I was going off about the stupidity of Facebook gifts to Gabe a few weeks ago and he mentioned his fascination with "the false economy of facebook gifts" -- like, you know how only a certain number are "available"? Even though that doesn't make sense? So that gave me an idea for a Facebook group: Facebook Gifts Are Made In Sweatshops!!! (Yes, I'm the only member.)
(...At least in my head)
Here are a few that I don't see on there:
"There but for the grace of God goes X" (X being "person more ridiculous than person being described", based on "There but for the grace of God goes John Ritter", which I believe was used to describe Dan Quayle in the early 90's but I can't find it on Google! I use this a lot.)
"First they came for the X but I was not an X so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Y but I was not a Y..." Famous quote from a poem about Germans before WWII, attributed here. I first saw this used as a
joke template snowclone on Gawker in 2003 or 2004 by Choire Sicha and thought it was hilarious, but now I can't even find it because it's been imitated so many times (I'm not saying Choire originated its re-appropriation, but it was the first time I saw it used and have seen it a MILLION times since.)
"X, so much to answer for." (obvs)
"I Xd in my Y a little" or "I Xd a little bit in my Y" (obvs)
"Oh yes, there will be X" (Tagline for Saw II: "Oh yes, there will be blood.") This has been done to death, so to speak, including by me. I think there could actually be a cookie shop called "Oh Yes, There Will Be Cookies" by this point. (Immediate self-correction: what I just said is too close to this for coincidence. Oops.)
I'm going to keep an eye out for more (but I stop short at doing whatever one needs to do to edit wikipedia entries. I have a job.)
My Chicago friend Stevie introduced me to the wonder that is the endlessly-running "comic" strip 'Love Is...' Yesterday she sent out an email titled "Worst Love Is in Years and Years" with a link to this one.
Today, after I begged her to apply her photoshop skills, she made a minor tweak:
(Nice filename joke, too. Thanks, Stevie!)
(Yeah, I know someone did Love Is... captions a few years ago, but I don't have that kind of Google time today.)
(Title hint: Old joke: Q: what's the difference between love and herpes? A: herpes is forever. I admit, it was a convoluted allusion.)
* Wear your extremely specific set of sexual preferences on a tshirt. Or, you know, don't. Please.
* I saw this on Medical Mysteries on Primetime last night (shut up, I was sick) and it totally fascinated me: blind people who ride bikes, play basketball, and get around by their own adaptive echolocation. Like dolphins or bats. How cool is that???
* THE JOKE, IT WRITES ITSELF: Tampons are now contraband on planes. (You can no longer bring them unless they're in a clear plastic bag that you present to security screeners.) Oh no! Wherever shall we hide them?
* New word: Gy.no.ped: "one who pussyfoots around".
Reminds me of "double amputee", which is what I namecall people in arguments when they 'don't have a leg to stand on' (but I stole that from my ex boyfriend who probably stole it from a comic book or something.) (Also, when I say "arguments" I mean "Mr. Show or Kids In the Hall?*" type arguments.)
*Mr Show, of course.
Panel one: Man and Woman are fighting. Woman is crying.
Panel two: Man says angrily "I'll give you something to cry about!"
Panel three: Man leaves room
Panel four: Man returns to room holding a copy of Flowers for Algernon.
It was better last night as I was drifting off to sleep staring at my bookshelf.
WHATEVER YOU DO, do not forget to watch Nightline tonight (ABC, 11:35 pm Est, just watch the Colbert rebroadcast at 1:30a.) Because Sarah Brown's Cringe Reading Series will be featured.
Also, a thing to cover your mouth so that embarrassed-looking snakes cannot enter it has been invented.
I was at a birthday party Saturday night when I had this exchange with a guy I'd just met:
Me: Has anyone ever told you you look like a young Henry Rollins?
Guy: Who's that?
Me: Haa Haa. But seriously, you look just like him.
Guy: I really don't know who that is.
Me: (incredulous) Henry Rollins? Black Flag? Henry Rollins! Henry Fucking Rollins!
Guy: (Shrugs) Who is that? I really don't know.
Me: Has anyone ever told you you look like a dumb Henry Rollins?
And no, he wasn't kidding. Kids these days!
(And yes, I was mean, but it had to be done. Tough love!)
* The other day I saw exercise mogul Denise Austin walking down Sixth Avenue at 8th Street on her cellphone saying this:
"But did you check the SKEDGE? Just CHECK THE SKEDGE and get back to me!"
* Haha: "(Bill Cosby's) good-natured, fatherly image has made him a popular personality and earned him the nickname of "America's Black Dad"
* Trailer Mashup Idea:
The Devil's Advocate Wears Prada
So, like, Ashley Judd went to rehab for, like, the human condition? Being a person? Living in the world? Existential ennui? The sickness unto sleeping a little bit too much?
But more important: if I decide I need a trip to the narcissist colony like this, will Viacom pay for it?
I'm starting to think my Breakup Camp Highdea is actually the wave of the future.
Is anyone going to talk about the fact that the guy on the left's stuff was on display for a full count of three on last night's episode of Lucky Louie? (Entourage + Lucky Louie = best hour of TV you can watch right now. I used to hate Entourage until I realized it was about five desperate, insecure, needy people and they're all GUYS. Finally!)
Anyway, dicks in sitcoms. Wave of the future!
Wholesome Swimwear: because Mormons need to swim, too!
Also, I just thought of a Mormon pickup line:
"I'm not wearing any special underwear."
I was listening to the podcast of NPR's To the Best of Our Knowledge yesterday during my commute, and they did a segment on Indigo Children (click the link above to listen). I've been obsessed with the hilarious concept of Indigo Children ever since I first read about them in the fashion and style section of the New York Times in January (a must-read.) Basically, the idea behind Indigo Children is this:
"My child isn't obnoxious, self-absorbed, unmannerly and unlikeable because I've raised him or her with zero discipline, given him or her a trophy for just showing up and allowed him or her to run ramshod over his parents and everyone else s/he encounters rather than damage his or her precious self esteem...no...s/he's obnoxious, self-absorbed, unmannerly and unlikeable because s/he's here to save the world!"
If anything you've ever read, seen or heard about parenting in this day and age is like a big huge Post-it note the size of a Times Square billboard reminding you to refill your Nuvaring prescription, I think you'll find the concept of Indigo children to be the most "of course, now, here, at this precise time and place in the entire history of the world...of course" thing ever. We who are either child-free or in the minority of people who are raising children rationally no longer lack for a one-stop-shop shorthand for the anxiety and ennui we face when we think about what the world will be like when these little tyrants come of age and start being in charge of shit. It's now all wrapped up in one iconic, easy-to-remember-because-it-has-a-color-in-it brand: The Indigo Child.
Anyways, that was my little rant.
I thought it would be funny to make tee shirts ridiculing the Indigo Child "phenomenon" but apparently they're already out there.
"Indigo means Annoying"
"My honor student beat up your Indigo Child."
"Please Curb Your Indigo Child"
"Indigo F**k Yourself" (okay that's just mean. and absurd.)
I found this interview with an Indigo Child expert who is helping the people of Europe understand their little messengers from the Universe. This part was funny:
SB: How do you explain the truth to the German mothers of Indigos?
CH: This is a problem. In America you can talk of a ''new race'' of children, but you can't do that in Germany. If I'm working with groups in other countries I can speak about this, but in a group of average mothers in Germany you can't talk about that.
SB: Is that because of Hitler?
CH: Yes, that's why.
* This Friday, a new show will premiere on Comedy Central called Comedians of Comedy. It follows Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Maria Bamford and Zack Galifianakis on their Comedians of Comedy tour. I've seen the first three episodes and it's REALLY funny. Set your DVRs for this Friday at 11pm. I will be mentioning this every day this week. It's that important!
* Thanks to everyone who wrote to me about fixing my permanent links, and thanks to Kyle from Blogebrity.com, who went in and fixed 'em for me.
* Brooklynbunny.com. I had a bunny for a very short time a few years ago named JonBenet. It bit me so often and so hard that people thought I had an abusive boyfriend and I had to pay $100 to give it to an animal shelter where they promised it wouldn't be euthanized. But I sincerely hope that thing is giving four separate people a lot of luck right now, if you know what I mean. Um, anyways, I'm sure this bunny is nice or whatever.
* A little birdie tells me that Demetri Martin, will appear as a correspondent on The Daily Show tonight, which is weird because isn't he a writer/performer on Conan? Either way, more Demetri is always good.
* Madonna: So Not Cool. God, finally. Thank you.
* "Only one of these short films delivers legitimate laughs: "Zombie American," directed by Nick Poppy, which features the "Daily Show" correspondent Ed Helms as a well-meaning everyman who just happens to be one of the walking undead."
Congratulations to my awesome co-worker Nick Poppy, whose short film, "Zombie American," is playing at the IFC center as part of a festival of films associated with The Daily Show.
* Yesterday someone at Harper Collins sent me a press release for that book about that chick who was held hostage in Atlanta and read a Jesus book to the guy until he let her go. So I wrote back "Can you just send me the parts about the meth?" I haven't heard back yet.
* The Gallery of Annoying Email Signatures. I've only seen one good email signature ever, and it was:
"Opinions are like assholes. I'll let you know when I want yours." - Mr. Show
It was the chick who does this site.
* They're doing a ton of painting on Rivington Street between Suffolk and Clinton. Like, every available wall is being painted with different colorful designs, including Alias Restaurant and Streiter's. Does anyone know what's up with that? It seems all official. UPDATE: Joey informs me that a movie set in the 70's will soon be shot on Rivington, and that's what the painting is for. That makes sense because I noticed that the painting above Alias is actually a touch up of the faded design that was already there.
* I watched Commander in Chief last night and liked it, but I can't tell if it's because a show about a woman President is basically porn. One thing I thought was funny, though, was the fact that they named the slithery, slimy, creepy, evil bad guy played by Donald Sutherland "Templeton." Because what does every generation born after 1952 associate with that name? This guy:
* Last night I wrote in my notebook the following:
"He who is not busy quitting smoking is busy quitting living."
I'm not sure why. Maybe DL has dreams of one day being an anti-smoking ad copywriter who listens to a lot of Dylan.
This might get me in trouble, but the power of parody compels me. Unless these people were severely taken out of context - and I don't believe they were - this is the single most offensive and unintentionally hilarious profile I've ever read of anyone, ever. Something must be done. So here:
UNDER THEIR EFFLUENCE
February 3, 2005 -- IN addition to working as the creative director for the Soho and Tribeca Grand hotels and being a self-described "douchebag," 36-year-old Tommy Saleh advertises for herpes, chlamydia, and genital warts - secretly.
"Valtrex did a giant, suppurating cold sore for me, and a post-urinating drip," he says. "APC gives me so much stuff - like crabs. Crabs mean a lot to me." Saleh also carries three previously undiagnosed STDs - all given to him for free.
Which begs two questions: Why and how?
"A lot of people want to put their herpes on me, because of all the fabulous things I do," says Saleh, with no trace of irony.
Some of the fabulous things Saleh has on his schedule: attending the free clinic in the East Village; sucking dick for a dollar at the bus depot; curating his "very strict guest list" for non-gononcoccal urethritis nights at the Tribeca Grand and sore-swapping with members of Interpol and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
"My friends are douchebags," Saleh says. "I get asked maybe 10 to 20 times a day why my cock is green and leaky."
Saleh is part of a new kind of STD transmission phenomenon - one that goes beyond more established methods like unprotected sex (sores orchestrated to look as though they're "up from the street,") or barbed-wire anal fisting (in which corporations hire young, attractive, charismatic people to go into bars and clubs and anally fist customers with a hand wrapped in herpes-soaked barbed wire).
"If the right person is wearing the right sore, people want it," says Kelly Cutrone, founder of the fashion branding firm People's Revolution. Cutrone gives thousands of dollars worth of free diseases to Saleh and other New Yorkers who aren't rich or famous, but who run in desirable circles and like the feeling of painful urination.
"We call it 'veinlining,'" she says. "That means we take it out of the industry and put it onto people's genital areas, so it spreads."
Cutrone says the civilians on her gift list "don't have to be knockouts - they just have to have great style. And it helps if they're really skinny And easy."Like Natalie Joos - who may not be a boldface name, but who is exclusively carpet-munching the models in Marc Jacobs' shows this season."
She looks really great in clothes, she's skinny, and people look to her because her pussy has more foreign objects in it than the detainment camp at Gitmo- they ask what she's dripping," says Cutrone.
Leigh Lezark, a DJ and prostitute who throws the weekly downtown dance party Misshapes, is arguably one of the most influential New Yorkers in the music industry, though few outside her circle know they're infected.
"I get a whole bunch of infections - herpes, warts, makeup," says Lezark, who is in her early 20s. "People will say, 'I see you around; everywhere you go people are looking at you and your sores.'"
Since co-founding Misshapes - which has become the Saturday night destination for downtown scenesters and art-school kids - a year ago, Lezark has been given about $15,000 in free goods and services in exchange for blow jobs.
"Lacoste wants to give us gonhorrhea; they heard about us through Misshapes," she says. "I get into sold-out shows all the time, like Interpol at Roseland - I don't even know how much it would cost to go see Interpol at Roseland. Fashion Week is not a problem - last year I was on line for the Marc Jacobs party and someone just pulled me out of the line and fucked me in the ass. I can't remember the last time I paid for a drink."
But Lezark's true influence is felt in the unrecognizably infected nether regions of the music industry.
"At a place like Misshapes, they spread a disease, and all the cool kids will be like, 'Who is that?'" says Carmelita Morales, a publicist at addVICE Marketing.
Morales, who gives Lezark strains of herpes to test out at her party, points to the recent mainstream success of the Killers (who played on "Saturday Night Live" a few weeks ago) as proof.
"It was important to give the Killers genital warts - because if it comes from a toilet seat, all the club kids and douchebags would never go for it. You want them to catch it in the clubs first."
To that end, addVICE threw the band's record release party at Misshapes about a year ago. "This was right after they gave handjobs to a half-empty crowd at Bowery Ballroom," says Morales. "But tapping into that e-mail list to get those kids into the Killers was really the main thing. Misshapes is a part of their lifestyle. Misshapes and herpes."
"And," Morales adds, "if you get 10 Leighs in a city to spread something, it'll be an epidemic."
(Co-parodied with TMFTML)