Lindsayism.com

Win a Galley of "The Kept Man" by Jami Attenberg

My friend Jami's first novel, The Kept Man, comes out December 27th, and her publisher is having a contest: you just print out a poster, post it somewhere, take a picture, and send it to Jami. Info here. I think everyone wins a galley while supplies last, and while I haven't read the book yet, I have heard from an EXTREMELY hard to please blogger friend who doesn't know Jami that it's "really good."

Kid Nation: In Defense of Taylor

This week's Kid Nation recap on NY Mag's Vulture.

Also, my friend Gabe's recap on 236.

Gabe just pointed out that we both wrote about Hunter's kitchen being nice!

Sloane Crosley Really Is That Great

But if I didn't know that for a fact, I might hate her a little after this (but don't! even her quotes came out self-deprecating. which is insane considering the medium):

The Most Popular Publicist In New York

Friend: "Are you jealous? Are you jealous?"
Me: "No way! She has to be a publicist!"

Sloane's very funny book of essays, I Was Told There'd Be Cake, comes out in April. (And look, even Gawker can't really find anything actually mean to say about her!)

Ritalin Readings is Next Wednesday, December 5

It's the one night a month I have to go out. Luckily, these writers and comedians will make it all worth it:

Elna Baker
Patrick Borelli
Lang Fisher
Will Leitch
Sean O'Connor
Jon  Friedman

Ritalin Readings is hosted by me and Gabe Delahaye and produced by Jon Friedman. Details:

Wednesday, December 5
8pm
The Slipper Room
Stanton and Ludlow
$5

Writers on Writing

My friend John Green who is a real writer posted a video (partly) containing his writing advice, and I had to make sure he wasn't going to say the thing I hate that writers always say:

lindsay: Before I watch your writing advice video, are you going to say something about how writers write because they can't do anything else well, because I hate that.
lindsay: I'll still love you just as much, but I hate that.
lindsay: as if strawberry pickers pick strawberries because it's what they do well.
lindsay: I guess I'll just watch it and see
lindsay: I almost went to Camp Eagle's Nest!
John: no, that's stupid. I say that the key to writing is "more elf"
John: Did you really? I wish you had gone because maybe you would have known tiffany!
lindsay: yeah, but my parents saw the brochure and it said that children were encouraged to commune with the fairies and sprites of the forest around the camp and they thought that was satanic so I went to (ultra-Christian camp) The Vineyard.
John: yeah that's true
John: we spent a lot of time with the fairies.
lindsay: your writing advice is very good
John: well it's better than "try everything else first"
John: how stupid is that?
lindsay: I know!! that's Lorrie Moore. And I love her, but.. it's so pretentious. Usually though, it's ONLY BAD WRITERS who say it.
John: Like, "Go mine coal And if you're not good at that, then you should write books."
lindsay: like "I'm special, this is all I can do, I can't wait tables"
John: F**k that. Writing is the FIRST thing you should try
lindsay: YES!!
John: It's so easy!
lindsay: hahaha
lindsay: I want to put up this conversation
lindsay: let's say more witty things
John: I think you should end it with "let's say more witty things"

DONE. Anyway, if you ever hear anyone say that they write because it's "all they can do", smack that person in the head with a busboy tray full of dirty dishes and wet used food. Thank you.

What We Talk About When We Can't Talk About Anything

I wrote this for Jezebel.com: 5 Easy Steps to Civil Holiday Conversation (Even if You're in a Red State!)

This year it's all about the disappearing bees, people. Read up!

Purple Winslet

* My friend Rex Sorgatz of Fimoculous is guest-co-editing Gawker this week. (Also, welcome to New York, Rex!)

* This correction was pretty much the most interesting thing in yesterday's NY Times.

* Virginia Heffernan calls the Bachelor out on lying (sort of) to Jimmy Kimmel about finding love on the show.

* I got my Golden Fiddle tshirt last week and have worn it pretty much constantly ever since.

Bachelor Consipiracy Theories

I know, I'm the only person who still watches The Bachelor besides the friends I force to watch The Bachelor, but (spoiler alert!) on last night's finale, Bachelor Brad chose neither chick!! Presumably, it will all be explained tonight on ABC's "After the Final Rose" special, but if you're bored, the message board conspiracy theories are amusing (and range from "his pregnant ex came back into his life" to "he ran off with Sandra Bullock.")

Kill the Drone!!

Remember when this clip from The Wicker Man (2006) was circulating?:

I came down with a hurt back last week (hence no Kid Nation recap) and I couldn't resist watching the movie everyone calls an unintentional comedy classic on HBO. There was no need - everything you need to see is in the youtube clip (and in the last 20 minutes.) One thing, though: from now on when someone asks a question to which the answer is an obvious "yes", I'm going to answer: "Does Neil LaBute hate women?"

Tonight: What's My Line? Live

Tonight I'm going to be a panelist on the monthly live game show What's My Line? Live at Parkside Lounge. All the information is here. It's always a fun show!

Cliche Number Whatever: Blogging About the Subway

This morning I forgot to bring reading or listening material on the subway, so, desperate for any sort of media to consume, I glanced at a weathered copy of the Daily News at my feet. I was moving the page with my shoe to see the rest of a visible article, when the middle-aged mentally challenged woman next to me started screaming and gesticulating toward the paper. "No! No!! STINKY STINKY STINKY NO! Don't pick it up!" and making these glub-glub sounds that made no sense in any language. I quickly turned myself away from her but she wouldn't shut up. It was embarrassing not just that she was drawing attention to me, but because she was calling me out on reading a newspaper that, being on the floor of the subway, was clearly in the "feces-covered trash" category. I was reading literal garbage, and I was disgusting.

As I huddled into my coat, trying to pretend I wasn't a part of this drama, I noticed two separate women look up from their two separate copies of "Eat, Pray, Love" and purse their four separate lips in silent judgment.

I fucking hate that book.

How to Get Over a Cold Really Fast by Pushing Sleep

(Update: this blog post was a bad idea. I'm now really sick! I tempted the gods.)

(Note: I am not a medical professional and this is just a joke or something.)

How to Get Over a Cold Really Fast By Artificially Forcing Sleep

The first day you feel the cold coming on, take the day off. (Better to take a full day off work now, than come in sick for two weeks and make your co-workers sick.)

Take a shower and put clean sheets on the bed.

Drink a lot of water and use some Zicam if you have it.

Turn off your phone and go to sleep for as long as you can.

When you wake up, drink some more water and then immediately take an Ambien (or Tylenol PM) even though it's daytime and it feels so wrong to do so.

Try to sleep for as long as possible. Sleep past the point of comfort. Sleep until nightmares occur. Sleep until you can't possibly sleep any more.

Go to bed at the normal time.

Wake up without a cold.

This has worked for me three times!

There is So Much Love in Bonanza City

Kid Nation: still awesome!: Vulture: Bonanza City's Paris and Nicole

I can't say this enough: this show is great because the kids are great. My friend Brian saw top-five fave kid Jared with his family in Times Square the other night!

Gabe's Kid Nation Live-blog on The Huffington Post: Kids Imitate Art.

If You Buy Just One T-Shirt This Year

Make it a limited-edition brand-new GOLDEN FIDDLE T-SHIRT!!

I got the one from a few years ago and I wore it like every day. As you can see from the photos of the hot girls, the shirts are very asset-enhancing. And that's the last time I'm ever going to say anything like that. Get one!

Because I'm the Only Person Still Watching 'The Bachelor'

There should be a Bachelor house band called "The Right Reasons."

"See I Told You North Florida Is the South" Part 378

Wesley Snipes commissioned a study of Ocala registered voters and learned that they are racist. Unsurprising but still sucky. (No word on their feelings on famous movie stars or tax evasion.)

Techy

* Friendster: 'We're actually doing quite well, suckers!'

* Cute: The Facebook News Network (with a shout-out to Mark Lisanti)

* Do you want a t-shirt that requires 451 words to explain? Here! (Via Rex)

Molly Lambert is Hilarious

"Ethan Hawke looks like his soul."

RSS that site if you haven't already!

I Write For, Like, The Business Section?

I did a triple-take when I read this sentence in the Times today in an article about Facebook's new ad model. It's not in quotes!:

So each user’s news feed will contain items like “Bobby Smith is now a fan of Toyota Prius” or whatever.

I think it's just wonderful, especially if it's editorializing.

Why Think It If You're Not Gonna Say It?

"Man, this totally reminds me of that week between The Lampoon and The Simpsons."

(Photo by Laist. And I kid, I kid. Go writers!)

The Silence of the Bees?

Yesterday I watched the PBS Nature doc The Silence of the Bees. It's basically that New Yorker article in documentary form, but the fact that the bees are disappearing rather than dying (they're not finding the bodies, granted they are small bodies) gave me an idea for a straight-to-video topical horror movie:

TITLE: "Buzz"
TAGLINE: "The bees aren't dying...they're gathering."
SYNOPSIS:
Teenagers looking for a place to party break into an airplane hanger on an abandoned military base...and discover Where the Bees Have All Gone. Intelligent workers, gross fat scary queens, etc etc etc. And, like, millions of bees all coming together to make big stinging monsters. The teenagers must contain the bees and save humanity or whatever.

Click for a Picture of Greg Wearing a Dress!

Mine: Kid Nation: The Drinking Game

I am a Fan of This Blogger: Kid Nation: Time is Candy

Ritalin Readings Tonight! (New Location)

Reminder that Ritalin Readings is now at The Slipper Room (Stanton and Orchard). Also, we just heard that we'll have the room after the show as well, so we're going to have a little after party with friends ipod-djing. Show starts at 8pm, $5, awesome lineup.

Best Costume Ever: Lloyd Dobler

I got an email after I wrote about Lloyd Dobler costumes a couple weeks ago from a guy named Jon from Toronto who was already hard at work on his Lloyd Dobler audio/visual masterpiece. Here it is (imagine the boom box blasting Peter Gabriel, because it was):

(Thanks, Jon!)