Lindsayism.com

Ritalin Podcast

Gabe has gone and put up the latest Ritalin Readings podcast, which I still wish was broken up into sections (hint hint). The readers were awesome, as always!

Pirates? Gold? What?

Rather than write my own, I'm just going to defer to the disclaimer written by the folks at This Just In, who found this amazingness: "Probably the Best Video We've Found Yet"

She reminds me of a six year old telling a lie.

and really, there's only like, two funny parts.

You're picking on the wrong show, The Onion...

Jesse Lange for (Junior Class) President!

* I have a huge crush on this 16 year old kid who stands up to Bill O'Reilly. Watch the whole thing. He's like a young Brad Pitt, with balls!! "Rising Junior", indeed!

* (There are) 100 Things Funny (about): The Washlet.  The parody possibilities are endless (and surely forthcoming on Youtube. Off the top: "A Washlet Named Hal".)

* Ritalin Readings is still tomorrow and is still going to be awesome. See below for details. Yay!

Tuesday's Ritalin Readings: Trauma-Rama

The lineup for Tuesday's Ritalin Reading (7:30pm at Mo Pitkin's) is really great:

* Jon Daly and Brett Gelman (Cracked Out)
* Eliot Glazer
* Dan Kennedy
* Jack Kukoda
* Rachel Sklar

The theme is "Most Embarrassing Moments." I'm actually reading at this one instead of being useless! (I have a lot of embarrassing moments.)

Quick!

Vote for my Gawker tshirt slogan before it disappears! (it is: (Full Disclosure: I Know Everyone)) Joke explanation: I hate the full disclosure name drop.

Yeah, this is what I'm caring about right this second.

Paula Zahn is my New BFF

I have seen Paula Zahn no fewer than three times this week on the street outside my office (explainable because of proximity to CNN HQ). Last night, the third time I saw her, I'm almost positive she recognized me and thought "That random person on the street AGAIN???"

Also, I'm here to report that Paula Zahn is very very pretty. I just wish I saw my bf Amanda (Celeste Wells) Miller more often. I am going to make up a fake best friendship with Paula in my head and report back. Stay tuned!

Unintentionally Funny All Over the Place

* There is a guy counting to a million. Of course. Gabe: "Our children are going to hate us so hard for the way we wasted the internet." Also Gabe: "I'm excited for when we put the internet in the garbage and walk away" (but he says this every time I send him a link to anything.)

* Arthur Bradford plays a practical joke at a wedding, and it is funny.

* Top 10 Unintentionally Funny TV Intros. (via Last Stop)

* 100 Things Funny: "Connie, the oldest horse said "Let's play a drinking game and a smoking game" (Update: Link fixed)

Nick D'Agosto Joins the Cast of "Heroes"

The guy from Election and The Office continues his meteoric rise:

"The actor will play Claire's boyfriend, West, who is said to have "a very cool superpower."

I bet it's his face! I guess I have to start watching "Heroes." Also, everyone I know who has seen his movie "Rocket Science" (out 8/10) says it's really good.

Earlier: This is Now a Nicholas D'Agosto Fan Site

John and Sarah are Trying to Break My Heart

What do you do on your last day in New York? If you're John and Sarah Green, you make a video and score it with the appropriate Mountain Goats song and let the crying begin!

Score the Sopranos Last Scene with Any MP3

If you're like me, you frequently become enraged at the way the internet controls your life. You have no need for a "boss button" because the entire effing web is your boss button and and you long for the simplicity of a blank Excel document or, even better, a cabin in the woods off the grid and untouched by the medium that simultaneously feeds and destroys you like the semen of one of Angelina Jolie's ex boyfriends.

But then, some days, you see something this unbelievably awesome and you're just like "Wow. I love you, Internet!"

UPDATE: What a beautiful dream that could flash on the screen in a blink of an eye and be gone: It doesn't sync well and ends too early, but the juxtaposition with Aeroplane made my neurons fire like crazy. Just paste this in on Stereogum.
(Thanks to Jen, obvs!)

More Swooning over Paul Rudd

This time it's over this viral video for "The Ten" (can't wait!) It starts a little early, but just get to the part where Paul talks about being on "Friends". (Damn, brightcove make your embedded videos smaller!) Link to video.

Mr. Wizard is in Heaven Now

From his last interview, in Wired:

"WN: You began to include girls in your show quite early on. Female scientists are beginning to outnumber male scientists in some areas. Can you comment on what led you to be so far ahead of your time?

Herbert: Looking back it certainly was a major contributing factor to the show's longevity and success."

I remember watching his show at my friend Sarah's house after school. I know the fact that there were girls on the show who were really into science (as I was at the time, Reviving Ophelia etc etc etc) made a big impression on me, because when I think of the show I only remember it as being a show about girls learning science (I guess I blocked out the boys.) It's a sad day for former little nerds and know-it-alls everywhere!

If You Watch Just One Sopranos Finale Parody...

Make it Max Silvestri's:

You Tube Show and Tell Tonight

Event Tonight: YouTube Show and Tell with Julie and Jackie and special guests David Cross, Jon Benjamin, Leo Allen and Amelie Gillette at Mo's at 8:30.

-- No Sopranos Zone ---

Saturday I saw "Ocean's 13" with my friend Kerry and she took the above photo of me giving in without even a symbolic gesture of hesitation to the marketing plan for "Balls of Fury". From left: Someone's shoulder, My face, Tom Lennon's body, Patton Oswalt.

Nevermind About "The Starter Wife"

I saw the second one and it's really annoying. False alarm!

Ask Me About My "Balls Policy"

I think anyone who has a job that involves any interaction with a Standards and Practices department keeps a mental (but not physical or digital, haha!) list of Hilarious Standards and Practices Encounters. This morning, we got an internal Goodbye email from a departing exec who saved a S&P note from another network for eight years and included it in his farewell. And they let me redact the names and put it up:

"...our Standards & Practices team has rejected the South Park spot you provided for this week that asks the question, "Where did Chef suggest you put his balls?""

Does She or Doesn't She?

Can you spot the fundamental gigantic huge inescapable flaw in this Times story about dumb blondes by a Cornell economist? Particularly pertaining to his hypothesis:

"if gentlemen prefer blondes, fair-haired women should pair more often with intelligent, more successful men, and since hair color is at least weakly inheritable, a positive correlation should also emerge between blondness and intelligence."

If not, it's after the jump.

Ryan Reynolds Enters Blogosphere

Ryan Reynolds blogs not-too-shabbily-for-an-actor (or blogger) about first world excess for the Huffington Post and all 83 comments are about his movies and how hot he is. That is funny to me.

Whuh-huh??

From an actual real not-spam press release I just got:

"FIRST THERE WAS DIRTY DANCING…THEN CAME LAMBADA…

THIS SUMMER, IF YOU TRY JUST ONE NEW WINE, UNCORK

ARGENTINA’S PASODOBLE!"

So, I think I can do this:

First there was Stalin...then came Hitler...

This summer, if you try just one over the counter allergy medication, make it Allegra!

I bet wine publicists get a lot of free wine and drink it right before they write press releases.

Snowclones are the New Joke Templates

(...At least in my head)

Today I learned from the Mental Floss blog that the things I refer to as "joke templates" actually have a real name: snowclones. And a wikipedia entry.

Here are a few that I don't see on there:

"There but for the grace of God goes X" (X being "person more ridiculous than person being described", based on "There but for the grace of God goes John Ritter", which I believe was used to describe Dan Quayle in the early 90's but I can't find it on Google! I use this a lot.)

"First they came for the X but I was not an X so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Y but I was not a Y..." Famous quote from a poem about Germans before WWII, attributed here. I first saw this used as a joke template  snowclone on Gawker in 2003 or 2004 by Choire Sicha and thought it was hilarious, but now I can't even find it because it's been imitated so many times (I'm not saying Choire originated its re-appropriation, but it was the first time I saw it used and have seen it a MILLION times since.)

"X, so much to answer for." (obvs)

"I Xd in my Y a little"  or  "I Xd a little bit in my Y" (obvs)

"Oh yes, there will be X" (Tagline for Saw II: "Oh yes, there will be blood.") This has been done to death, so to speak, including by me. I think there could actually be a cookie shop called "Oh Yes, There Will Be Cookies"  by this point. (Immediate self-correction: what I just said is too close to this for coincidence. Oops.)

I'm going to keep an eye out for more (but I stop short at doing whatever one needs to do to edit wikipedia entries. I have a job.)

I Wanna Leave Bennigan's

Illustrated misheard Lyrics to Pearl Jam's "Yellow Ledbetter" (via the Mental Floss blog):

Knocked Up!

Pretty much everyone I know saw Knocked Up this past weekend, and everyone I've talked to has said some version of "It was more heartwarming than I expected." Most of them mean that in a slightly pejorative way ("heartwarming" not being a compliment in my circles). I said it, too, though I might have lost my pejorative-use-of-heartwarming privileges when I got misty at the end (so did all my friends, though.)...

(Spoiler Alerts: the following half-assed analysis of the movie's stance on gender relations may spoil the next five minutes of your life, or possibly certain aspects of the movie if you've lived under a rock for the past month.)

 

The Starter Wife: Snappier Dialogue About Hollywood Sucking

So last night I got home from readings and drinkings and such, and turned on the TV to find that my DVR was taping The Starter Wife. Earlier in the week I'd bought into the hype and taped it, mostly because if I read the next day that it was good, I wanted to have it around. But I decided to go ahead and give it five minutes, and whoa, lo and behold, I kind of loved it! I couldn't keep this Secret Shame to myself though, so I texted my friend Jess, the one most likely to forgive this lapse into cliche-girliness:

Me: Uh...the starter wife is really good?
Jess: I'm about 20 min into it...I love it
Me: Me too, I was hoping you were watching! I love you! Yay!
Jess: I think 90% of all vaginas with access to basic cable are watching, seriously. You're the 3rd one to text! I love you women everywhere. I'm going gay!
Me: Omg I seriously thought I was the only one watching. I might blog this. (Ed: yeah. sigh.)
Jess: I was thinking the same!
Me: You know who is loving this? Aniston!
Jess: Omg sooo right
Me: Ok, it's getting a little obvs but I still love.
Jess: Me too. Tons.
Jess: Love the Ponds placement during her self-affirmation speech
Me: Just got there. I use that moisturizer every day.
Jess: That's a helluva sponsorship deal
Me: I know. Annoying.

I actually didn't realize it was a series (and not a tv movie) until almost the end when I was all "how are they going to wrap this up?" I'm dumb. Anyway, it does get sort of obvious toward the end, but it's summer and all my shows are dark. I'll be watching...probably with friends next week. NOT with Cosmos. That's where I draw the ever-thinning line...