Lindsayism.com

Two Highdeas!

I haven't done Highdeas in a long time because there has been, over the past year, serious curbage. BUT:

On Saturday I met up with my friend and we saw Hot Fuzz and I got two Highdeas right before we saw Hot Fuzz:

1. The 'Make Al Gore Happy' Light-switch Plate!
This is a light-switch plate with a picture of Al Gore on it. When the light is on, Al Gore's face is angry. When you turn the light off, Al Gore's face brightens up into a glow-in-the-dark smile.  Parents could tell their children "Don't forget to make Al Gore happy!" to remind them to turn off lights. If every family had just one of these light-switch plates installed in their home, there would be no more global warming at all.*

2. The "Blockberry"
This is a quarter-sized pocket device that renders all Blackberries (or equally annoying devices) unusable within a, say, three foot radius of the user's body. Regular normal people with social skills could use it when they see their unfortunate tech-addiction-stricken brethren, and Blackberry addicts could employ it at dinners and on vacations as a sort of digital antabuse. (I know this one is sort of obvious, but we need it!)

* This is a "Highstatistic"

"staying grounded"

AJ brings the Rock and a Hard Place interview to Eat the Press, and all I can think is "someday if I have a book I want the front to say "With zero words by Chloe Sevigny." (I just realized this sounds meaner than I actually mean it.)

So, Uh, Who Wants to Tell Him? Anyone?

"He laughs at the absurdity of a brand like Mountain Dew approaching Black Label with an offer of sponsorship, as he says happened last year, and is wary of exploitation of the fixed-gear bike culture by corporations that have little to do with biking. “I saw what happened to skateboarding and surfing and punk,” Mr. Coast said grimly."

And nothing like that could ever happen to our pure underground movement of non-conformists who are enjoying the thrill of being part of the beginning of something new and cool and amazing!

Thanks; Links

Big thanks to everyone who came out to Ritalin Readings last night! It was so so fun. I am too tired to describe how fun, but so fun, and all the readers were hilarious. Here are some things:

Jon Friedman's "Opening Credits" for last night's Ritalin Reading:

* Emily Gould gets the last word (maybe) at Jimmy Kimmel. I want what she says at the end to be my ringtone.

Ritalin Readings Tonight!

Tonight at Mo's at 9pm: Ritalin Readings! Lineup:

This show's vague theme is "Marry/F**k/Kill" and the 4-minute time limit per reader will be enforced with supersoakers 99 cent store squirt guns.

Hosted by Gabriel Delahaye and me.
Produced by Jon Friedman (The Rejection Show)

Readers:

• Jami Attenberg (Author, Instant Love, now out in paperback!)

• Kurt Braunohler (Comedian)

• Amelie Gillette (The Onion AV Club's The Hater columnist)

• Chris Mohney (Editor, Gridskipper)

• John Mulaney(Comedian)

• Dana Vachon (Author, Mergers and Acquisitions)

April 24th at 9PM

Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction 34 Avenue A (b. 2nd and 3rd St.) F or V train to Second Ave. 212-777-5660 $6

Advance tickets can be bought here.

The Unfortunate Coincidence of the Alec Baldwin Auto-Voicemail Promotion

UPDATE: Jon Friedman, Comedian and Comedy Show Producer (The Rejection Show, Ritalin Readings), made a version of this that's really funny (especially if you heard the original Alec Baldwin promotional "personalized" voicemail message). Enjoy:

Download baldwinmessage.mp3

EARLIER:

(What used to be on the 30 Rock site, but is no more:)

HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY

Send a Message
Send a personalized message from Golden Globe winner Alec Baldwin to friends & family! click here

Last night my friend Eric called me excitedly:

Eric: "Oh my god, remember that thing on the 30 Rock website where you could have Alec Baldwin leave a personalized voicemail for your friend?"

Me: "I don't think anyone has pointed that out yet! I sent some to my friends last year! Maybe it's still up! (Of course, publicists thought of it before Eric did and scrubbed it from the site.)

I hate to make fun of this situation, but how funny would it be to have a version of AB's rant sent to your friends' phone? Like, you could choose their age "I don't care if you're 29 years old...or 30 years old...or that you're an adult" and various insults "thoughtless pig" just like with the original. Okay, that's terrible. But kind of funny.

see what I did just now?

'This American Life' Finally Famous Enough for Satirical Paper to Make Fun of It.

"I've pitched this story every week for five years." says relieved, triumphant Onion staffer. "I just never stopped believing."

(I love it. Especially the Sarah Vowell part. Jokes that five people get are always the best jokes.)

Did Kim Hire Daniel?

I refuse to believe that this is actually Alec Baldwin.

Le Moustache

Last night I saw the Belgian film "Le Moustache." Today I tried to look it up to see what other people thought of it, but it has no IMDB entry, or even a Wikipedia entry.

I'm starting to think that there was never a movie called "Le Moustache."

(That's sort of a "you had to see the movie" joke.)

UPDATE: it's because the name of the movie is "La Moustache". Why would the word "moustache" be feminine?

Anyway, I'm dumb.

My Celebrity Encounters Part 1: Adam Curry

In the interest of ripping things off my office wall, scanning them, and then telling a story about them, I present this: My Celebrity Encounters, The Beginning: Adam Curry

(still wrong)

In response to the comments on my last post, proof that I AM AN EVEN BIGGER NERD:

lindsay robertson <lindsay.robertson@gmail.com>   Apr 18 (23 hours ago)
    to        mlotto@observer.com    
    date        Apr 18, 2007 12:38 PM    
    subject        how I met your mother    
    mailed-by        gmail.com   

As a fan and longtime proponent of the show, I was happy to see your article about How I Met Your Mother. But:

"and how the Pogues cassette got permanently stuck in the tape deck of Marshall's Pontiac Fiero"

The Proclaimers, not the Pogues.

Yes, I'm a nerd.

Sincerely,
L. Robertson

There Should Be a Band Called 'Swarley'

Today The Observer observes that How I Met Your Mother is "the best television show you're not watching."

Of course, that doesn't apply to you because you ARE watching it, right?

RSS test

(testing rss)

I think some versions of my RSS aren't working. This one does work, so if you read the site via RSS (the only way I read anything), you might want to change it. Of course, this is all moot because if you read this site via the old RSS you're not seeing this post.

Air Sex: Where Air Babies Come From

Air sex:

* It's like air guitar, but for sex
* It's big in Japan (or if it's big anywhere, that place is Japan)
* There's already a Fleshbot contest

Has anyone made the obligatory "soon guitar hero will be replaced by sex hero" joke yet?

for the love of god at least change the picture

Is it just me or did Esquire clearly just find some emo kid whose myspace page said "Blacksburg" and get him to blog for them? (I love Esquire.com but I just calls them as I sees them, and that is a myspace photo if I've ever seen one.)
 

"She was facing away from him at the time"

* Thingstheyshouldinvent.com

* I have a favorite pair of boobs on Jane Magazine's boob slideshow (what, you don't?): Jules
I want her to design me some jewelry! Literally! I like free stuff.

* Totally gross sad awesome story about a silly girl who did it with Jared L.  (Thanks, Kambri!)

Paul Rudd and David Wain Singing 'More Than a Feeling'

Exactly:

"Put Your Clothes on and Get the Hell Out of Here"

Suggestion for this weekend: see The TV Set. Here's a great scene:

(Be sure to stay in the theater at the end for a "scene" from 'Slut Wars' starring a self-effacing Seth Green.)

Craig Ferguson on Kurt Vonnegut

In his monologue last night (video - about 1/3 of the way in), Craig Ferguson told the story of the first person who introduced him to Kurt Vonnegut -- his drug dealer -- who gave him Slaughterhouse Five and said "Here, this will blow your mind."

Thanks to heartonastick (who also has a tribute to KV) for telling me about it and sending the link!

Happy Famous Day!

* Don't forget to listen to This American Life this weekend because Gabe Delahaye has a thing on there. 

* This video is funny: Will Ferrell in "The Landlord"

A Man Without a Successor

You know what I love? I love that the entire blogosphere today (first time using that word unironically) is a celebration of Kurt Vonnegut, with the same motifs: "Kurt Vonnegut changed my life" "I remember the teacher/person who gave me my first Kurt Vonnegut book", "Kurt Vonnegut is the reason I became a writer." These things are true of almost everyone I know (at least everyone I've talked to or read today.)

Normally when someone dies and everyone rushes to make it all about themselves it's tacky and vicariously embarrassing, but not today, not this one time with this one person. Kurt Vonnegut made himself so available to his readers (and to anyone -- he could often be found sitting on a bench on a corner near the U.N., and would chat with anyone who sat down next to him) that it's the rare fan who doesn't have a personal recollection of meeting him or having his or her letter answered (at least until late in his life, KV would punctually answer any letter that contained a self-addressed-stamped-envelope.)

In a perfect world, there would be a state funeral, flags at half-staff, Kurt Vonnegut Day, all the awards his books never won (Nobel, Pulitzer, National Book Award) awarded posthumously, and a great big oral biography called 'Kurt Vonnegut Changed My Life' (okay, there will be an oral biography, no doubt about it), but in a perfect world we wouldn't have needed him as much as we did.      

We all have the same story: Kurt Vonnegut changed our lives, and I think he would want us each to own that and to share our stories (or at least he wouldn't care). Here's one of my favorites today: Kurt is Up in Heaven Now (Matt Tobey)

KurtVonnegut.com

This is Not It.

This is one of those "I don't care if they're laughing at me as long as they're laughing" things (see: this entire blog), but pretty much everything about this picture I found last night is unintentionally funny. What can I say? Late 2001: Heady times.

"after an hour, shit got lame": the best link ever

There are certain moments, as a blogger, when one stumbles upon, quite accidentally, a spot on the internet, a link, a thing, that is so magnificent, so unintentionally genius, so of the zeitgeist, so transcendent of anything one would ever come across intentionally in one's meticulously Google-Reader-tagged world, that one is faced with the dilemma of wanting to keep it, to jealously hoard it to oneself, to write an entire novel in the voice of the Tom-Perotta's-Election-esque character who so un-self-awarely shared it with the world before anyone else gets that idea too and actually does it, to read aloud from it on stage at one's next Ritalin Reading, if one co-hosts such a reading series, to print it out and memorize every word, to marvel at its utter perfection as a piece of satire, in this very time and place, this April 2007 of our lives, and to wonder: will I ever create something as good as this, including gardens, friendships, and/or children?

Another Robin Sparkles Episode of HIMYM

Well, sort of -- in this Times article about how How I Met Your Mother creators Craig Thomas and Carter Bays incorporate the internet into their show (and vice versa), we learn that tonight's episode, "The Bachelor Party", will feature a scene too racy for TV that will show up on the show's MySpace page  (and presumably here, since I play right into their hands.)

Until this article, I had no idea Bays and Thomas were the brains behind the hysterical 1999 Late Show hoax boy band, Fresh Step.

- Letters to Fresh Step (McSwy's)

And...let's go to the mall, again:

OMG: Gabe Delahaye to be on This American Life Next Weekend

330: My Reputation
                           

"Stories about people who discover that what others think of them is not at all what they think of themselves. Gabe Delahaye, for instance, just thought he made a bad first impression. But it turned out that the second, third, and fourth impressions weren't much better. Pictured: an early indication of Gabe's well-earned reputation."

Yay!

Update: more photos of Gabe being mean to that kid.

I didn't know it was Easter until a text message this morning

An Easter memory: college-era, driving fast at night with then-boyfriend M on Highway 90 in Tallahassee, a brown rabbit darts out in front of his car and we feel the slight bump as he drives over it:
Him: "Ahhh, what was that??"
Me: "It was a bunny! I saw it run out but it was too late!"
Him (genuinely sad): "Awww. What did he look like?"
Me: (Pause) "Well, he looked like he knew things had been bad in the past, but he was going to turn his life around, and everything was going to be much better from now on."
Him (laughing): "F**k you."
Me: "Happy Easter!"

"sky rockets in flight/afternoon AT NIGHT"

"I don't know what happened in your life that caused you to develop a sense of humor as a coping mechanism, maybe it was some sort of brace or corrective boot you wore during childhood but in any case: I'm glad you're on my team."

- Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin) to Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) on last night's 30 Rock

I have a friend who wore a scoliosis brace in middle school who is now a humor writer (update: Emily) and our running joke is that I'm jealous of her for the funny-making brace (she assures me that I have and have had quite enough to compensate for -- whew!!)

Apparently my 2003 archives are all messed up but I found an old thing I said about the "Theory of Compensation" quoted on the blog Chaos Theory. It's by no means an original idea, but four jaded New York years later I still believe it to be true.

Anyway, go watch last night's 30 Rock -- the quote above is by no means the funniest part.

officer friendly's little boy's got a mohawk

Mark Graham is right: if you watch anything online this week, it should be this sketch.

More Found Photos...

Crops from two new photos on my Found Photos site:

Garden, 1942:

Little Boy (date unknown)

Ritalin Readings April Lineup: Gangbusters!

Just announced: the lineup for April's Ritalin Readings, Tuesday April 24 at 9 pm (note the late start time for this date only.)

This show's vague theme is "Marry/F**k/Kill" and the 4-minute time limit per reader will be enforced with supersoakers.

Hosted by Gabriel Delahaye and me.
Produced by Jon Friedman (The Rejection Show)

April Readers:

• Jami Attenberg (Author, Instant Love)

• Kurt Braunohler (Comedian)

• Amelie Gillette (The Onion AV Club's The Hater columnist)

• Chris Mohney (Editor, Gridskipper)

• John Mulaney(Comedian)

• Dana Vachon (Author, Mergers and Acquisitions)

April 24th at 9PM

Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction 34 Avenue A (b. 2nd and 3rd St.) F or V train to Second Ave. 212-777-5660 $6

30 Rock Renewed!

It's a great day for comedy fans: the funniest show on TV has been renewed for a second season. In honor of the occasion, Amelie put up Tina Fey's Paris Hilton takedown video.

Also, I have a crush on Jack Donaghy. Not Alec Baldwin -- Jack Donaghy.

Via EW's Popwatch, some of Jack's greatest moments:

Runaways

Torreya State Park, mid-80's.

band names galore!

I'm really late to the Kathy Sierra internet misogyny debate, but it's really hard to take it seriously when it includes serious sentences like this:

"However, Chris and I (and others) still strongly disagree about whether people who are respected and trusted in our industry (like the three of them) are giving tacit approval when they support (though ownership, authoring, and promoting) sites like meankids and unclebob."

Also: this caption.

Obviously the possibilities are endless, but I just imagined a conversation occurring where her college roommate says: "I bought a big box of tampons at Costco but Poony Poon over there used them all."

Ritalin Readings Podcasty Thing

(photo by Whatevs, obvs)
The podcast (or whatever) of last week's Ritalin Reading is up on Gabe's site. As he points out, it is 64 minutes long. I haven't heard the part yet where I  suck helium from an "it's a girl!" balloon and  recite the last line of "Daddy" by Sylvia Plath, but I hope it's as funny on the podcast as it was in my head (and funnier than it was live.) The readers are, in order:

Max Silvestri
Emily Gould
Ben Greenman
Jon Friedman
Heather Lawless
Darci Ratliff and Matt Tobey
Todd Levin

Thank you Jon Friedman for recording it and putting it online! We're going to have a monthly podcast once we figure out what podcasting actually is. Also, don't worry if you don't get the visual jokes -- it will be just like actually being there!

Two Buck Suck

When we go to Trader Joe's for wine (and I won't go anywhere else anymore), my friend Stiff always insists on getting the two buck chuck (in NYC, $2.99). For months I've been suggesting she splurge and spend the extra dollar on a $3.99 bottle, like Purple Moon or the oddly-waxy-tasting-but-I-like-it Zarutha (it might be spelled differently -- it's the one with the tan giraffe). I say the same thing every time: "There's a disproportionate increase in quality between the $2.99 and the $3.99. It's like the opposite of diminishing returns. Really!" So the last time we were in there and she grabbed the Charles Shaw and I made a face, she goes "I KNOW, THERE'S A DISPROPORTIONATE In INCREASE IN QUALITY OR WHATEVER...I don't care, I like this stuff!"

And then I realized...I am the world's cheapest wine snob.

Anyway, added value: this kind of reminds me of Zach Galifianakis's impression of a pretentious illiterate person (Video. Hilarious.)

3 More Found Photos

I've posted 3 more found photos to my album. I can't post them in their full glory on this site (the album and the site shrink them) so I'm going to crop my favorite details, like this guy to the left.

The picture this is from is so Dead Poets Society.

 

This Time I'll Be Nice

I don't usually write about music here, but despite a ton of decent releases this late Winter/Spring, the one I've had on repeat-all since the moment I first heard it is Yours to Keep by Albert Hammond, Jr. I've been lax in my music-blog reading (lately it's all comedy, all the time), so I'm sure there's all kinds of love for this album already, but to add to whatever cacophony of adoration there may already be: it's fantastic. It makes me nostalgic for Is This It while somehow being simultaneously more earnest and more self-aware than the Strokes ever were. My favorite song is Bright Young Thing (track 4), but really, I love them all.

A quick Google search shows I'm not the first person to notice the it-had-to-be-intentional homage to Hilary Duff's "Wake Up" on "101". For reasons I can't even explain, I found that to be a brilliant touch.

Anyway, it's good.