Lindsayism.com

happy holidays from the vast configuration of things

It's a Wonderful Life links:

* Every year I get a kick out of this: Nick: What Went Wrong (I subscribe to the "Potternomics" theory myself.) Brilliant!

* And yesterday my friend Matt sent me this video: the awesome 90's-era SNL sketch with an IAWL alternative ending.

I'm off to beautiful Tallahassee, Florida and internet-free until Thursday. Happy holidays!

Do Not Ever Joke on Dodgeball

(Note: if you don't use dodgeball, you're not going to have any idea what this post is about and it's going to be REALLY annoying, so really, I'd just skip it if I were you. Seriously. Don't blame me when you get annoyed by it.)

So, last night I had plans with a good friend but had to cancel because I worked late, was exhausted from the night before, and needed a "Lindsay Night." So I read the New Yorker and watched the second half of It's a Wonderful Life and delighted in its metaphysical flaws (he can hear again, yet he's still drunk, etc) and eschewed even the "Surgeon General" (the one glass of red I drink even on off nights.) I was like a nun or an evangelical or something. Then, this happened:

I got this dodgeball message:

Hey there, your friend Krucoff just shouted out: "From the texting gods, Bucky T just asked: "Wanna chill with sluts tonite?" I cant but he says go to Rewind on Essex." (10:52PM)

So, thinking myself quite the clever jokester, I sent a dodgeball myself:

Lindsay R is @ Rewind (10:53 PM)

Then, immediately, I got two texts:

Regular Text from Friend Who I Cancelled On: "Feeling better?"

Dodgeball: Hey there, your friend John C. just shouted out: "Best ever combo of
dodgeball messages ever. Krucoffs sluts plus Lindsay R." (10:56PM)

So with just one little attempted joke, I managed to make my friend think I ditched her, and, through John C., alert everyone I've blocked on dodgeball to the fact that I'd blocked them. (By the way, people I've blocked/"managed" - I only do it to people who dodgeball too often, and I switch back and forth depending on whether I want to go out in a week. I still like you.)

So I ended up having to dodgeball "That last dball was a joke that nobody got. I am at home. No sluts."

This post is SO inside dodgeball. But you two people out there who get it, learn from me, okay? Dodgeball is NOT the place for jokes. Even funny ones. Like mine.

Note the "Serious" Part

Oh yes. I did.

UPDATE: That link up there is Gabe Delahaye's phone number. Bid on it! I know you're reading this, Mary Mouse.

What I've Learned from this Month's Esquire

The Definition of 'Insult to Injury':

Sustaining a near-life-threatening papercut one second after reading Jaime Pressly's "What I've Learned" in (the paper version of) Esquire.

Also, if you dare read it (at least you won't bleed from the pinky, just the eyes), you'll learn that we can add Jaime to the list (is someone keeping a list? Someone should keep a list) of celebrities who claim to have originally been booked on one of the 9/11 flights.

BUT SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT, mmmkay?

I actually like the What I've Learned feature, but have they run out of people who've learned things that aren't celebrations of their own accomplishments? I'm looking at you, Clive Davis. I'll remember your immortal words of wisdom the next time it's my turn to sign the Grateful Dead and Lou Reed to record deals, or Dionne Warwick calls me to complain about something. I mean, like, what?

I mean, shit, I've learned that I'm awesome too but that's clearly not the point of the assignment.

Alan Arkin's was good, though. And the joint interview with Silverman and Kimmel was fascinating. I especially liked Sarah's advice to Jimmy on getting along with one's parents:

"Here's what Sarah taught me about getting along with my own parents: Try to pretend they're someone else's parents. If you do that, the little things that annoy you that don't annoy anyone else are much more tolerable."

Just in time for the Holidays!

"you could put a long blonde wig on a ferret and it would look like Jessica Simpson"

* Over the holiday, Stephanie ("Stiff") and I are going to make elaborate scrapbooks of our trip to the scrapbooking-supply store. It will be the only scrapbooks we ever make (probably.) We have a lot of ideas mapped out and they're so awesome we're making two so we don't fight over custody (and also we might go the Rashomon route in the storytelling.)

* Speaking of Rashomon, after over ten years of using it as a conversational reference, I finally saw the actual movie last weekend, though I fast forwarded through the non-talking parts. (I know.) It was very...Rashomonesque. (I know.)

* Highdea: OCD: The Video Game. You have to navigate the world and accomplish tasks while having OCD. I have OCD, so I'm totally allowed to invent this cool game idea.

* Did you see the first few episodes of 30 Rock? Were you like "Eh, I'll leave it on my DVR schedule but nobody can make me watch it!?" I was, and so were a lot of people I know, but in fact the show has gotten better and better every week, and was so funny last week I've already shown it to three people. I just gave up on finding video from last week's show, but I did send a personalized holiday greeting to a few friends from Alec Baldwin. (If I can still get a moderate amount of glee out knowing Alec is calling my friend Emily and calling her a homemaker from Iowa who enjoys collecting sports memorabilia, irony is not dead (to me.)

the universal hand sign for "synergy"

Video: Gabriel Delahaye Takes A Picture of Himself Every Day

But the added value and reason I didn't just embed?

The comment.

secret languages with god do not bring breasts any faster, fyi

So everyone who preaches that gay people are going to hell is, himself, gay? (Please jesus make James Dobson come out next Zeevahruecinteelahzeevaruecinteelah* praise you lord we praise you make Fred Phelps admit he's an evil hypocrite we praise you we praise you hahahahaha shakalakalah!)

* Trivia! My actual, real, secret language with god that the Holy Spirit gave me I was forced to make up when I was 13. I think it's funny now.

Now for something fun and unrelated: my friend Adam alerted me to this DIY version of Apples to Apples: The Other Foot.

"chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot pie"

CNN: A man has been faking retardation for over 20 years (since he was 8) so his mother could collect social security benefits. (contains grainy video of man "lolling about" that isn't as funny as one would hope.)

It took me a frantic ten minutes of coworker-consults and then googling to remember that this wasn't a Mr Show sketch, but was in fact David Cross's hilarious recurring arc on "Just Shoot Me", as "Slow Donnie".

("Life imitates 'Just Shoot Me'" doesn't have the same ring to it, but there you go.)

Also see: The Ringer (but, like, not literally.) 

Are You There Sylvia Plath? It's Me, 15 Year Old Lindsay

This photo perfectly sums up my teenage years, except for the hat, which I think I just grabbed off my brother's head or something, because I usually wore a BERET.

(I had to scan in old photos for Sarah Brown's Cringe TV, so there might be more of these on the way. Sorry.) (Note: there's a Cringe reading tonight, see link for details.)

adult continuing education humor

Here's one for the Scared of Santa gallery.

And this is my favorite. Look out, Paul Rudd!

just watch.

Awesome!: