Lindsayism.com

breaking news: I now have a jump

And an old pic of me trying to lick a terrified Andrew Krucoff, after it. (Yeah, it's a slow blog day.)

Gawker for pastors....flocker?

I just saw this on the typepad "most recently updated blogs" list and it struck me as cute: there's a lifehacker for pastors! Really!

I love Lifehacker, but the parody possibilities are endless (it seems wifehacker.com is available, for example. And hobohacker. For some reason this is hysterical to me.)

outed

So, if you've been keeping track of the saga of my blog redesign, and I don't know why you would be, everything seems to be working properly except for the photos in the archives not showing up, but hopefully that will be fixed soon. Thanks go to Typepad, and to Chris who sent me a noir-ish, cryptic email last night saying "I think I know what's wrong with your blog. Call me at work (number)" And I did, and he helped me fix things.

Via the Fiddle: Funny: fun with telemarketers (sort of mean)

Almost as funny as Eugene Mirman messing with Right Wing bigot telemarketers.  Which is totally 100% okay.

Also, how awesome is Worker 3116/Corporate Casual Gabriel Delahaye doing subbing on Gawker this week? Example: I don't usually follow the party crash jump - just because I don't care who was at Soho House or whatever, but this is the best one ever.

testes

Email's back up. Maybe this thing will be soon too...

hello you two

Obviously, something's gone terribly awry with getting lindsayism.com to go here - also, if you've emailed me at lindsay@lindsayism.com today I haven't gotten it because it hasn't been forwarded - use lindsay.robertson@gmail.com until furthur notice.

boredgirl29

• Can someone just explain to me in one paragraph who and what lonelygirl15 is because unlike (apparently) the rest of the internet, I just really don't have the time to watch/obsess about a bunch of unfunny videos. I'm totally sick of it but I don't even know what it is. Like Rocketboom last month. I'm completely serious: explain it.
• Watch the second episode of American Cookbook on Channel 102. Because it's funny and my coworkers made it (but really, it's funny.)
• "Excuse me, but do you happen to have any corny jokes based on 1980's commercials?" Why, yes.
• "No Flour, No Sugar" ...No need for a book.
• Video: This isn't interesting because it's an interview with JonBenet Ramsey's beauty queen best friend all grown up. It's interesting because HER NAME IS 'THUMPER'!!! (!!!!!!!!!)

Weltschmerz*

Yesterday, I was going through some boxes when I found a large sealed envelope labelled "CLIPS -2000". I remember copying and putting together my clips at a temp job when I first moved here. They consisted of the "best" of my writing prior to moving to New York, when I was a film critic at the then-indie FSU paper, The Florida Flambeau. I never did anything with them or sent them anywhere. Here, out of context, I present some of my favorites:

"It seems odd to go to a movie in order to watch other people have witty conversations, but for Stillman, it works."

"Gattaca's future world serves as an apt reminder that technology can be a blessing or a curse, and we should be careful how far out we allow ourselves to swim in the pursuit of perfection."

"G.I. Jane reminds us that Top Gun can never be forgotten."

"Trainspotting and Shallow Grave were much edgier, more daring, and, ironically enough, less ordinary than this movie."

(From a roundup of 'lesser-known magazines to check out' that was basically just an excuse for me to celebrate and mourn the last issue of Might Magazine, with which I was obsessed):

"Spy Magazine is sort of like Might but not as original."

And my favorite, the last line of a review of The Matchmaker:

"Because Janeane doesn't need to change, the world does."

*Weltschmerz: German word meaning "the depression that results from comparing the actual world to the world as it ought to be." Losing word in this year's spelling bee, which I watched with my friend John Green, who believes, as I do, that this word should be incorporated into the American lexicon. Also, I want to call in sick and say "my weltschmerz is acting up again."

furpocrisy

Okay, well got too busy today to even forage for links, but this is funny (note the line "Was (Madonna) wearing real fur? If she was she's dead to me.")

Innnnteresting.

A note: my weekends are usually internet-free, so if any comments happen they will show up Monday morning.

Not as pretty; but a lot more easy

Hi,

Welcome to Lindsayism 4.0, and to this rambling and mostly unecessary explanation of same.

1.0 First, there was my Diaryland site, which opened with a whimper in November of 2000 with a rant called "Slim Shitty: An Open Letter to the Music Critics of the World." It contained the sentence "Eminem makes Vanilla Ice look like Leonard Cohen," and trust me, the five human beings who read it (all, disappointingly, not music critics) didn't speak to me for a couple days (and rightfully so -- I've come around since Stan. A little.)

For the next three years, I updated sporadically with little confessionals about such things as my teenage obsession with the movie Gone with the Wind, Bambi-legged early attempts at pop culture parody, 'subtle' hidden messages to certain boys, and a pretty decent reaction to September 11th.

In short, That shit is password protected for a reason. (Though I have printed every entry and given them a rightful place nestled next to my high school letters to Carrie Fisher, William Shakespeare, and Annie Dillard. Swear. To. God.)

2.0 In May of 2003, after giving up on my then-boyfriend's fantastical promises of a real website, I got a friend to burn me a copy of Dreamweaver, spent a weekend studiously taking the tutorials, and painstakingly put together this baby.

It soon became popular with people who were linked on it and googled themselves obsessively, my friends who wanted to make sure I was keeping their Union Pool bathroom secrets, and those who mistook it for the first blog designed and written entirely by a retard.

I say all these mean things about it because I fucking love it so much. I mean, look at it. Gaze upon its disorganization, its clutter, its breaking-of-every-single-rule-of-design-ever-made, and not in a "you have to know the rules..." way. I wish I could say I was just trying to get into the next edition of Web Pages That Suck, but that thing was exactly the earnest "magazine of my brain" that I'd dreamed of since the 'zine era, and I adored it, and it changed my life (though I did know the design sucked.) Luckily, it was short-lived.

3.0 In March of 2004, my friend Ben Chappel announced he was giving me a birthday present: a complete redesign. And he did. (I've saved it, of course) Ben spent hours, no, days, on it, and it was so beautiful and good and the best present I've ever received.
Most people reading this know that we lost Ben in March of this year, a subject I've never found appropriate to write about here, on this silly site about comedy and funny links and stupid unimportant immaterial unlasting things. But I can't exactly do a redesign without mentioning his contribution, since that's still his illustration up there, altered a bit to fit this template, but still in Ben's charming, friendly, affable style. When Ben first unveiled the design, I was shocked at how perfect for me it was. (Though my representation was even skinnier and with bigger boobs than she is now (believe me, I had to fight hard just for the stick figure I ended up with.) But that was Ben's style (more of which can be seen, heartbreakingly and brilliantly, here (click the yellow star))

Which brings us to this site. My old site was set up to update with Blogger, which is unreliable, hasn't kept up with technology (categories? hello?) and which made me actually cry with frustration a few months ago when I couldn't post for almost two weeks (I even tried calling Google HQ. As you might have guessed: you don't get a real person.)

I've tried to use as much of Ben's design within the Typepad interface as possible. I'm still a bad designer, so if you have anything constructive to say, please email me.

This new version has

- Categories (I've gone 3 months back, eventually I'll get to all the archives)

- Comments (because I like blogs with comments best. This time they're moderated according to the note on the left)

- Actual Event Listings (many more to come now that they're easy to add)

- My ability to add to the permanent links is restored (right now they're the blogs I've read and the people I've known the longest, more will be added soon)

- An about page with stuff on it because my friends keep telling me to step up and be more professional and shit. (TK)

- A lot of cool other stuff Typepad offers that I'll be adding soon.

Tomorrow: more funny links and stupid immaterial unlasting things. Updated daily and spell-checked for your pleasure.

Temporary!

Hi, this is my prototype/draft/work in progress of the redesign of my site, lindsayism.com. if you found this because you're linked on it, please do one of three things:

1. email me (lindsay@lindsayism.com) with any suggestions or criticisms. I really encourage this because I clearly don't know what I'm doing design-wise.

2. just forget about it until it launches as a real site on Monday.

3. just forget about it and continue to not remember it even after it launches on Monday.

Thanks, and I love you!

senseless acts of beauty

(photo of rough drafts of charades lists by Jen.)
Quick Vermont Highlights:

1. You know how they say you should find the thing you love the most and that you're best at and then figure out a way to get paid for it? Well, unfortunately for me, it appears that my thing is "Charades."
7 people. 4 hours. Most. Fun. I've. Ever. Had. In. My. Entire. Life. Solemn vows have been made about making it a "regular thing", which would improve my life 100%.

2. You know what's fun? Going to the Applebees off exit 26 of I-91 with your friends on a Saturday night and sending a round of drinks over to a (slightly bewildered) random table.

3. You know what's supremely dorky but also worth a year of therapy? Going off by yourself at 3 am on a mountain and looking up at the stars while listening to In the Aeroplane Over the Sea in its entirety. I was having such a great time I threw on some On Avery Island (Song Against Sex, natch) and Mountain Goats at the end. It was enough to make me almost want to ditch the city for the land of Cars 'n' Stars.

Okay, now some value-adding links. You've suffered enough:

* I thought the headline was funny, but then two separate people urged me to read the entire thing, and they were right: When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back, by Cocaine

* Kids steal fake pot from billboard promoting Showtime's "Weeds":

(via Golden Fiddle)

* THE comprehensive analysis of the famous self-regard of aforementioned blogger Jaqueline Mackie Paisley Passey. (Includes a photo of her most recent bullet-dodging boyfriend!)

i lovermont

(Photos of last year's trip, by Youngna.)

This weekend I'm making my yearly late-summer trip to Jen's awesome mountain house in Vermont. It will be only the second time I've left the city in 2006 (and now that I think about it, only the 4th time I've left the city overnight for non-business purposes since January, 2004. My GOD, no wonder I'm stressed.)

Anyway, I'm aware that this isn't interesting. This nature girl is just really f**king excited about getting back to nature.

(Oh, and sort of ironically off-topic, don't forget to set your DVRs for The Shatner Roast Sunday Night. It's hilarious.)

Just Set it and Forget It!

My friend John Hodgman's hilarious book, The Areas of My Expertise, is now out in paperback. Here's a funny trailer for it that I found on Elizabeth's site:

(Co-starring Jonathan Coulton.)

When this book first came out in hardback I heartily endorsed it because I really really liked it. Since then, I've gotten email from people I do not know who also loved it. Just from a quick gmail search:

"I just got through reading "The Areas of My Expertise" last night. Holy shit, that book is hysterical and really well-written... Each time I read through a section, I'd think "Okay, that's my favorite part so far..." and then I'd read the next section and think "Nooo, this is my favorite part." - Carol

"John Hodgman: It's a little bit frightening how funny that guy
is. Kind of like when you see a kitten that's so cute you're just
certain it could take over the world if it wanted to. Very important
to always keep kittens like that distracted with balls of yarn. Very
important." - Jeff

If you haven't read it yet, get it here.

lickity splits

* Jeff Barnosky on McSwy's: The Andover Grade Reports of George W. Bush:

"I simply cannot pass a student who insists on believing, and attempting to prove, this syllogism:

George is Awesome.
All Awesome people are George.
Therefore, George is Awesome (in bed)."

* Jonathan Swift is, like, frantically searching for a pen and paper in his grave right now.

* I did a little post about Andy Dick's freakout on my friend Mandy Stadtmiller on the Jane Music+Celebs blog.

* Get a free Fandango movie ticket, just by pretending to drink Scotch.

"structural and cheek issues"

Wow. Has anyone ever begged for a takedown like this woman? I mean, there isn't even anything you can say! (Except a silent cheer for "Terrence")

(But this site does a good job)

UPDATE, from her 50,000 word "About Me" page:

"Various ex-boyfriends: I had three not very serious relationships in the three year period between Brien and Terrence. You might find mentions of them in the archives as the Mensa guy, the lawyer, and "Mr. Indecisive"."

You. Cannot. Make. This. Shit. Up.

Jacqueline Passey Paisley Mackie Whatever, welcome to the 'Sitting There, Just Waiting to Suck' section of my RSS feed.

It can't be all that pretty/when all of New York City misses you

MISSING

NAME: Stephanie Brooke Tillman

KNOWN ALIASES: "Stiff", "Tillface"

D.O.B.: August 14, 1977

HEIGHT: 5'7"

WEIGHT: Really f**king thin

DISTINGUISHING MARKS: Tattoo of 3 blue stars in "bullseye" area

LAST SEEN: Late April 2006, drinking strawberry margaritas with friends at San Loco on Stanton Street the night before going to Europe for "one month."

SUSPECT:

  NAME: London, England

KNOWN ALIASES: "The Square Mile", "LDN", "Jolly Old England's Capital"

D.O.B.: 1066 or something

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS: A clock, a queen, a bridge, Topshop, bad food, a shit-ton of terrorists, hooligans, Lily Allen

REWARD: One Drink for anyone who convinces Stephanie to come home.

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STIFF!)

you were there, and you were there, and you were there

I know this is everywhere (as it should be), but this commercial by We Are the Web.org warms the cockles of my little internet nerd heart. [And brings back sweet memories - The Tron Guy! The Peter Pan guy! The kittens, my god, the kittens! (Just ignore the subservient chicken, we all know that shit was Burger King)]:

Can't get it to embed but it's here. )

Contact Lense Solution on a Plane!!!

* Wear your extremely specific set of sexual preferences on a tshirt. Or, you know, don't. Please.

* I saw this on Medical Mysteries on Primetime last night (shut up, I was sick) and it totally fascinated me: blind people who ride bikes, play basketball, and get around by their own adaptive echolocation. Like dolphins or bats. How cool is that???

* THE JOKE, IT WRITES ITSELF: Tampons are now contraband on planes. (You can no longer bring them unless they're in a clear plastic bag that you present to security screeners.) Oh no! Wherever shall we hide them?

* New word: Gy.no.ped: "one who pussyfoots around".
Reminds me of "double amputee", which is what I namecall people in arguments when they 'don't have a leg to stand on' (but I stole that from my ex boyfriend who probably stole it from a comic book or something.) (Also, when I say "arguments" I mean "Mr. Show or Kids In the Hall?*" type arguments.)

*Mr Show, of course.

Mark, Rick or Steve

* Great. Now everyone who reads Rolling Stone is going to know what weed smells like.

* On the Comedy Central blog: video of comedian Wendy Spero taking her mom up on stage to read her jokes aloud.

* Dean has friends who, a few years ago, made a video similar to that cartoon idea from yesterday: Something to Cry About.
(In the interest of retaining your trust, the clip is not unfunny but kind of way too long (it was made a few years ago, after all.) So if you want to know what the something to cry about was, highlight the following text: Steel Magnolias.))

* Welcome to New York, Gabe Corporate Casual Worker #3116 Gawker Commenter Extraordinaire! I have a feeling we'll be hearing a lot from him in the future.

* Amelie Gillette: "Things I Learned From Reading US Weekly's "How Vince Proposed"

and it's not even funny

Dear Gmail Person Or Robot Whose Job It Is To Change the 'Funny Quote of the Day' Clip at the Top of Everyone's Gmail Inbox,

It's been this every day for the last two months:

Funny Quote of the Day - Samuel Goldwyn - "I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it."

I'm watching you.

Charly's a card when he's potted

Cartoon idea:

Panel one: Man and Woman are fighting. Woman is crying.
Panel two: Man says angrily "I'll give you something to cry about!"
Panel three: Man leaves room
Panel four: Man returns to room holding a copy of Flowers for Algernon.

And...scene!

It was better last night as I was drifting off to sleep staring at my bookshelf.

WHATEVER YOU DO, do not forget to watch Nightline tonight (ABC, 11:35 pm Est, just watch the Colbert rebroadcast at 1:30a.) Because Sarah Brown's Cringe Reading Series will be featured.

Also, a thing to cover your mouth so that embarrassed-looking snakes cannot enter it has been invented.

Additionally, somebody sent me this review of a recent book today (second post, no permalinks) Better together? Meow!

"I am your conscience"

Mandy Stadtmiller has hilarious video taken from a (non Comedy Central) roast of Emmitt Smith, along with comments by Jeffrey Ross. Watch until the end, it's worth it.

"the remote in your hand is a crackpipe"

The long trailer for Tina Fey's 30 Rock. (Premieres Oct. 11/ Wednesdays, 8:30p / 7:30c)

And

The long trailer for Aaron Sorkin's Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.
(Premieres Sept. 18/ Mondays, 10p / 9c)

I'm really excited about both these shows, and I need to get a life.

"It was like that scene in E.T., or that scene in Donnie Darko that was an homage to that scene in E.T."

(Triptych of the East River Impromptu Bonfire in Williamsburg, August 14, 2003, by Sarah Balcomb. Click to enlarge.)

So, the totally not surprising rumor is there could be another blackout tonight. I know, there probably won't be, but the blackout of '03 was one of the best nights of my life (and probably yours, too.)

So now I'm all nostalgic and achey and wistful and full of longing all of a sudden, so I've dug up some Blackout-related stuff from the old version of this website. (You know, before I was seduced and corrupted by the glamorous-yet-ultimately-empty blogging scene.)

After the blackout, I asked some of my friends for their own blackout stories and photos, which can be found here (and are still awesome.)

I also wrote up my own blackout story for Knot Magazine three days later. Reading it for the first time in three years, I wince at how bad it is (A "subtle" 9/11 reference in the first sentence? Oh, Lindsay of '03, I just wanna muss your already-messy hair.)

But there it is, in all its sentimental, style-less glory, and it represents a much more idealistic time in my life that I would kill to get back, so there.

But don't click, here's the gist:

* Sarah Balcomb and I rode our bikes around darkened Williamsburg with backpacks full of cheap cabernet that we shared with everyone we encountered.

* At one point I stripped and did a Lady-Godiva-on-a-bike-but-with-short-hair thing for like thirty terrifying seconds in the middle of McCarren Park. (Future games of "I Never" would benefit.)

*A guy stole Sarah's bike from its kickstand-spot five feet away from us, and was not deterred by Sarah's thrown shoe or my expletives.

*Before we left the bonfire, we waded into the East River to properly send off our melodramatic message-in-a-bottle: "It is the night of the Blackout, and we are drunk..."

* Then we wandered from Williamsburg bar to Williamsburg bar with an ever-growing group of people whose faces we never properly saw, until we stumbled home at dawn.

In short: best.night.ever.

(I'm allowed to navel-gaze four times per year, okay? It's in the rules.)

he's not ugly

Sunday at the movies I saw this affecting trailer for the upcoming multi-generational drama based on Jhumpa Lahiri's critically acclaimed novel, The Namesake, and I became obsessed with one thing:

Dude, when did Kumar get HOTT?

UPDATE: Let's just ignore this pre-White Castle Playboy Interview.

nobody gets their weather forecast from dooce

If you started reading this week's New Yorker piece about the tired "debate" between bloggers and mainstream media and then stopped because it was a big fat "Duh", you'll be happy to read this, by Steven Berlin Johnson:

Five Things All Sane People Agree On About Blogs And Mainstream Journalism (So Can We Stop Talking About Them Now?)

(via Fimoculous)

My personal take on/philosophy of/use for blogging has always just been:

"Your Daddy doesn't have to know someone for you to be a writer anymore."

And I think we can all agree that's a good thing.

What's My Line?

Tomorrow night I'm going to be a panelist in a live version of the classic game show "What's My Line?" (That's the one where panelists ask questions to find out what contestants do for a living, and then are blindfolded and have to figure out who a celebrity guest is.) We had a run-through last week and it was really fun! Info: What's My Line? Live! (Check out the other panelists and host there.) Wednesday, August 2nd Parkside Lounge, 317 East Houston, corner of Attorney 8 pm $5