Lindsayism.com

mango chutney!

I have to give a shout-out to one of my best friends, the inimitable character, lovable rapscallion, and partner in crime Eric Ortner, who, it's just been announced, is leaving the Today show for a fancy-schmancy Senior Producer job at Good Morning America (at the tender age of 30). In addition to being more dedicated to his job than anyone I've ever met, Eric has the most astounding, unbelievable stories and one of these days I'm going to get around to writing his biography. Yay for Eric!

"you're weird!"

Tvgasm mashes up Pat O'Brien's phone sex with Rosie O'Donnell's ravings from Riding on the Bus with my Sister. (via Brian)

day six

* Decent Content has a funny interview with my old friend and March 12 birthday buddy Adam Rizer's band, Oxford Collapse. They're playing a show at Bowery January 12 with the Constantines and Bishop Allen.

* Thanks to everyone who offered ibooks to sell, and thanks especially to Brian W., who informed me of the existence of these ibook battery stand-alone chargers, which is what I really needed. (And I found one cheap on ebay)

* This weekend I watched the first episode of Entourage, in which one of the characters refers to paparazzi as "pavarottis". So maybe that's where Kevin Federline got it. I'm not saying he's not still a moron, but he's still being made fun of for that (today in Page Six, for example.)

* Did you know that when you quit smoking, you get drunk off of one glass of wine? I didn't. Until last night!

Since this seems to always work

I want to buy an ibook, it can be broken but it just needs to be able to charge a battery (the battery-charger-hole-thing on mine is broken but everything else works). Email me if you have one you want to sell. Thanks!

cold turkey

* In a cliche New Year move, I QUIT SMOKING this weekend! Today is Day 4. I can't imagine anything more boring than reading about someone quitting smoking, so that's about it.

* Vincent Schiavelli, the subway ghost from Ghost (along with 149 other film roles) has died.

* The Ritalin Reading Series now has its own website. (Next reading is Tuesday, January 10th)

* I fuckin' love The Apiary, because it acts like, no, acknowledges that, funny people are the only cool people in the world.

* "Young Will and the Twins" - I subscribe to NPR's Fresh Air through audible.com, and just got the chance to listen to an interview with William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman from December 2. At the end, they have this cute little quarrel about how they're jealous when the other one has sex scenes in movies/tv. If this was an article I would say something like "witness a rare moment of intimacy and vulnerability between two married actors" or something. Listen here (the part I'm talking about starts at 18:25)

"There's room for everyone. You can make it your own way."

I was just re-reading the amazing 4-part Patton Oswalt interview from A Special Thing on the subway this morning, and this quote jumped out at me because it's something I've been thinking about a lot and I totally agree:

"I'm still baffled by people that get jealous or angry at a comedian having success, when it's the kind of success that they would never want. You know, do you want what that guy has? Do you want to do what that guy has to do? That's awful. Be happy it's not you."

Insert whatever you want for "comedian" and it's still so true. (Well, unless you're an actual prostitute, I guess.)

Anyways, Happy Holidays!

Paging the MacArthur Foundation

Some dark genius had a dark night of the soul and somehow found a way to make Sex and the City EVEN MORE STUPID.

(Note that it's not even the real, shitty actors saying the shitty lines, it's some shitty voiceover actors saying the vapid, bad-pun-laden, written by a 13-year-old, lines instead! "I wanted a man who could commit...not a man who was committed!")

Drinking Stiff's iPOD Covers at the Cake Shop

One of my best buds, Stephanie (aka Drinking Stiff) made iPOD covers for fun and had a picture of them on her site (not for sale), and The Cake Shop contacted her and commissioned a bunch of them, which is so awesome. They're now on sale at The Cake Shop, 152 Ludlow Street, and here's an example of one:

I'm about to have a

I'm about to have a lot of time on my hands, as I'm staying in town for the holidays. Lately I've been finding television as undistracting as it is guilt-inducing, so I want to spend the long weekend reading. Books. I'm making a Borders run in a few hours, if anyone has suggestions, email me! Keep in mind that I like books that are funny. My favorites this year were:

The Underminer by Mike Albo with Virginia Heffernan
The Areas of My Expertise by John Hodgman
Home Land by Sam Lipsyte
Don't Get Too Comfortable by David Rakoff

I think I want to read some funny novels and/or memoirs, so if anyone has any recent suggestions, send 'em to me! Thanks!

licking hollywood taint / blog culture wars / let's get over ourselves for the love of god

Dear Bloggers,

Just in case you didn't get the memo, it is 100% not okay to hang out with Lizzie Grubman.

Deep down, you already know this. Bottom line: blogger starf*cker photos are embarassing to our Country, our Era, our Fad-Based-Hobby and our God.

Related: The Straw That Broke The Grambo's Back.

(Is there some sort of syndrome (along the lines of Jerusalem or Stockholm) where someone thinks they're famous when really they're just a blogger? If not, let's call it "Manhattan Syndrome")

I love you, but this is getting really embarassing. Pick a side: outsider or insider. There is no in between. This is to all bloggers. Remember where you came from, keep it real, stop frontin', be more punk rock, I'm watching you, etc. etc. etc.

Love,
Lindsay

As the sister of a

As the sister of a 12 year old girl (who happens to be the coolest, funniest, happiest, most science-fair-winning girl in the world...for now), this is of extreme interest to me: go behind the scenes to see how every magazine photo is re-touched. (via cityrag)

that's so MT

I just got this dodgeball message from this guy:

"Hey there, your friend just checked in (5:49 pm) at Walking To Village From Liberty Street. Too Cold To Make It Without A Cocktail. Text Me If You Want To Grab A Drink Along The Way!
Why not swing by and say hello?

Ritalin Readings Return!

My on-again, off-again reading series, Ritalin Readings, makes its triumphant return Tuesday, January 10th at Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction at 8:30pm! Here's what the NEW YORK TIMES said about Ritalin Readings last year:

"The hipster blogger Lindsay Robertson hosts the Ritalin Reading Series."

(Oh no they didn't! It was just a photo caption. But still!)

Hosts: Me, Alex Balk, and Jon Friedman (also producer)

Readers:
* Mike Albo, author of The Underminer

* Michelle Collins, Comedian

* Dennis DiClaudio, author of The Hypochondriac's Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have

* Jon Friedman, Comedian

* Francis Heaney, author of The Holy Tango of Literature

* Julia Langbein , Comedian

* Todd Levin , Comedian

* And Me, reading a very angry poem I wrote about BOYS when I was a teenager.

Fun will be had by all. Save the date!

happy holidays

Zulkey sent me this, and it brought me great joy:

yet larry the cable guy continues his rise...

"The package -- which arrived via UPS -- contained a picture of Chappelle's sleeping children, taken the night before in Chappelle's house. A person who appeared to be of Al Sharpton's build was standing next to their beds...

Chappelle made one more phone call that evening to Bill Cosby...all he said to Bill was "it's over...call off the dogs."

"Only when I see an announcement in the press," Cosby responded."

Was Dave Chappelle the victim of The Dark Crusaders?

Improv Everywhere completed a new

Improv Everywhere completed a new mission, "Suicide Jumper". Check out the photos and video. Funny.

stirrup pants, or something

Just the other day I was walking in Chelsea with a friend when I saw a woman in stirrup (or possibly stretch) pants across the street. "Oh my god, no, not stirrup pants! It's happened!" to my friend and then I got a closer look and said "Nevermind, it's just an old lady." Well, it has happened at, where else? Urban Outfitters. I think someone should get the name of the Urban Outfitters buyer who pitched these, and force her to wear them.

My favorite, and most worn outfit of 1989 (edited: 1990) was pink, purple and white floral stirrup pants from The Limited, with a matching purple knit top. It was the outfit my Mom bought me to wear to the Leon County Brain Bowl tournament, where my team came in 4th place, which was good for a tiny Christian school. I sucessfully challenged two questions:

In Disney's version of Pinocchio, what was the name of the fish?

Their answer: Figaro
Correct answer: Cleo

and

Who wrote the fairy tale Cinderella?

Their answer: The Brothers Grimm
Correct answer: Charles Perrault

Let it never be said I don't know my fairy tales! Anyway, my point is...stirrup pants...suck. (Thanks to Golden Fiddle for the link)

this is all I got

I watch Nip/Tuck every week, because I'm 100% convinced that the entire show is based upon a contest in the writer's room to come up with the most outrageously wrong plot twists. I really believe that the show is one big joke and I like watching with friends and trying to second-guess the twists. (Last night I was wrong about Christian Troy's intentions toward the calcified fetus, however. At least I erred on the sick side.) Anyway, they run ads every week for the myspace page of the show's serial killer, The Carver. I don't know why anyone would want to be myspace friends with a fictional serial killer, but apparently more than 70k people do. If "According to Jim" is a joke, it's kinda funny.

UPDATE: This nip/tuck blogger fan joked about wanting a silicone implant signed by the show's creator, and got it.

The Holy Tango of Literature

Francis Heaney, author of the laugh-out-loud hilarious book, The Holy Tango of Literature, is offering it for free as a printable e-book on his site. Hopefully, people will see how brilliant it is and buy a paper copy for friends as a gift this holiday. The central question of the collection is "What if poets and playwrights wrote poems and plays with titles that are anagrams of their own names?"

I was a huge e.e. cummings fan in high school, so here's one of my favorites from the book:

nice smug me
e. e. cummings

nice smug me lived in a pretty hip town
(with up so noses snobs looking down)
saks moomba vong prada
i wore my mesclun i ate my uggs

Women and men(both wealthy and rich)
opened their mouths to gossip and bitch
as many by many we spent our bucks
scarf tie hat tux

noon by drunk and cab by home
we laughed our loves and felled our rome
(gin vodka wine vermouth)i
said my shouldnts i scorned my shoulds

Women and men(both thin and tall)
glamour vogue esquire elle
smiled my jokes and slept my myth
cindy adams liz smith

(If you buy it here, it's only $8.96 and the profits go to schools. But it's also on Amazon.)

Oh My God Do You Know What This Means?

Jenna Bush has herpes!!

(Also, way to hint yesterday, NY Post. I've never seen a member of Interpol at Happy Ending, but I think that's because the only reason I go to Happy Ending is for the Growth Spurt Reading Series.)

taking my rhythm

* I ran into Michael "ask me about my armband" Malice of Overheard Friday night and told him this story, which has happened to me exactly twice:

Coworker: I like that site, Overheard in New York.
Me: Me too!!!
Coworker: I sent something in once, and it got up on the site.
Me: Me too!!!
Coworker: I sort of cheated though. It was something I overheard but it was my friend who said it.
Me: ME TOO!!!!

(Michael assured me that it was okay to do that, though.)

* As Rachel announced, Ritalin Readings is coming back! It will be produced by Jon Friedman of Tremendous Rabbit Productions (of Rejection Show fame!) I'm also developing another regular show that will be a lot of fun. More on that later, of course.

* This weekend I watched a piece of shit movie I've seen before by the most hack writer/director alive, Your Friends and Neighbors, and I resolved to do the following:
1. I will become an actress.
2. I will get an audition for something.
3. I will use as my monologue the "Timmy" sauna speech by Jason Patric.

This will be my life's work.

some little things

* Patton Oswalt answers the question "What was the funniest person, place or thing of 2005?" for the Comedy Central Insider blog.

* Tonight is the latest edition of Will Leitch's excellent Growth Spurt Reading Series, at Happy Endings at 8. I'm going to try to stop by after seeing a rare New York appearance by Lizzie Skurnick (aka The Old Hag) reading from her new book of poetry, "Check In", at the Jen Bekman gallery.

* Speaking of readings, remember my old humor reading series, Ritalin Readings? Well, it looks like it's coming back with a vengeance, bigger and better in 2006. I'll still be booking talent and co-hosting with Alex Balk, but now a really cool production company is going to be producing it. More, as you might imagine, later. But I'm super-excited.

* Last night I dreamed there was a magazine called "American Comment", that consisted solely of letters to the editor and reader polls, solicted in the previous issue. Before you say "that's the stupidest idea ever", I'd like to point out that Americans are the stupidest people ever. It's a total P.T. Barnum idea, like Desperate Housewives, or the Bush Administration. I have no idea what the rest of the dream was about.

David's Law

I'm back from L.A., and:

* Last Laugh '05 was and will be really funny and good. Mark my words. Here are some previews - lots more to come.

* This weekend I thought a lot about David's Law. Named after a particularly awkward "I'm that drunk girl and you're my hero" encounter with David Cross in 2002, David's Law makes it illegal for me, Lindsay Robertson, to speak to a celebrity unless spoken to. David's Law was soooooo hard to obey this weekend, surrounded as I was by my comedy heroes, especially when Sarah Silverman literally ran into me, but I did it. It was really really hard. At one point I told my coworker "This is my level of self respect. This (hand ever so slightly lower) is how much I want to tell Sarah Silverman that I want to grow old with her." But I didn't! I was good! Yay for me. yay.

I promise I'll blog about other things besides Last Laugh this week. But seriously, it's going to be really good. I promise.

los angeles, I'm yours

I'm heading to L.A., back here Tuesday. (Cross your fingers that maybe this time, on my third L.A. trip, I'll have time to see the Pacific for the first time ever!)