Lindsayism.com

"No, it is you who has mean bones!"

"'I felt really bad for him. I picked up the wood as soon as possible and got her out of there," she said. "Sweet dog, not a mean bone in its body.'

Animal Control said the dog's owner was the one with mean bones."

Last Laugh '05 Lineup

As mentioned in the previous post, I'm going to LA this weekend for CC's Last Laugh '05 event. The lineup has been announced:

David Cross
Sarah Silverman
Lewis Black
Lisa Lampanelli
David Spade
Greg Giraldo
Carlos Mencia

With Special Appearances by:

Jon Stewart
Stephen Colbert
Andy Dick

Musical Performances by:

Death Cab For Cutie
Yellowcard

(The show will air December 11th)

Comedy Stuff

* Excellent Boston Globe article about the excellent Louis C.K. and his upcoming show, Lucky Louie, on HBO, which is being proclaimed no less than the savior of the sitcom. If you haven't already, check out his special on HBO On Demand. Every single second is pure comic genius. Lots of clips and stuff here.

* The second half of A Special Thing's interview with Patton Oswalt is up. My favorite part:
"I. Hate. Needy. Comedy. Ninety percent of comedy films, ninety percent of sitcoms, are the neediest, most desperate, please God, what can we do to make you laugh? Please, anything, what do you want?"

Patton also has a write-up of the second episode of Comedians of Comedy (including outtake clips) on his blog.

* I got the link to the Louis C.K. Boston Globe article from the great new-ish comedy site, Laugh Machine, which is now a daily read.

* Once again, I'm headed out to L.A. this weekend for Comedy Central's Last Laugh '05 event. The talent lineup hasn't been officially announced yet, but I'm really excited about it this year and I think many readers of this site will be too. If anyone knows of anything fun going on this Saturday night in LA (particularly if it's comedy-related), email me!

525,600 Minutes in Hell

It seemed like a good idea at the time. Saturday afternoon, when my friend E. suggested we get stoned and go see "Rent" I was all for it. I figured it would be unintentionally funny/campy etc. I was terribly misguided. Index:

Number of minutes that I had my hands over both my ears, total: Approx. 20
Number of times I whispered "get a fucking job!": 3
Number of times I said to E. "this is not a movie, this is an ASSAULT": 2
Amount of money I offered E. to walk out, 45 minute mark: $5
Amount I offered, 1 hour 45 minute mark: $10
Final offer, not accepted: $15
Number of minutes I spent applying lip gloss and messing with my hair in the bathroom during the movie in order to kill time: 3.5
Actors I needed to slap, in order of urgency: Idina Menzel, Anthony Rapp, and whoever played Angel.
Number of times I said "I don't think of it as a moviegoing experience so much as it was a terrible event that happened in my life.": at least 10

But whatever, I got what I deserved. At least the message of the movie came through: I now live each day as if it were the last one before I have to see that movie again!

Well, clearly they're not kidding

Well, clearly they're not kidding about not having all the nominations in yet, but this is neat. Those wanting to take a stand against panda-loving, camera-assaulting psychos could nominate me again if they felt like it. Wink!

* I finally thought of

* I finally thought of something to say about Maureen Dowd aka last month's news: When a woman says "There are just not enough SUCCESSFUL men who like SUCCESSFUL women"...

The first "successful" means "rich" and the second "successful" means "enjoys shopping." Please take a moment to let the undisputable truth of this statement wash over you. Then think of all the women you know who say this. I know, right?

* Speaking of, I hear that among the attendees of Andrew Krucoff's going away party last night (to which I didn't make it, unfortunately) was none other than Jessica Cutler. She's using my quote on her official site too, which is funny.

* Said over Scrabble last night:
"If "Jizzpie" is a word, then "Jizzpier" is also a word."

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

I forgot to blog until

I forgot to blog until now. But look, it's a new interview with my favorite comedian, Patton Oswalt.

Gosh, that manifesto thing sure

Gosh, that manifesto thing sure did hit a nerve. My favorites were the people who thought I was trying to have the laws changed, the people who decided this was the time to debate the cause of Princess Diana's death, and, especially, the people who mistakenly and narcissistically thought I was writing about them. All those people were very funny. Thanks for the tons of nice emails, though!

I thought about the problem of photographers over the weekend, and I came up with a solution:

From now on, I will only attend parties with a bottle of either Drakkar Noir or Axe Body Spray in hand. A photographer has one chance to respect my wishes, and then he or she (though it's usually a he) will get sprayed.

So when you see this chick saying no to your camera, snap at your own risk:

(And remember: punching girls is wrong.)

I have the day off

I have the day off today, so I won't be on the internet. Seeya Monday!

Oh, and this is fantastic.

Lame photographers, do your worst!

Lame photographers, do your worst!

I just got an IM from a friend saying that some of my blogger friends are offended by my manifesto. I'm sorry about that. I tried to be as abstract as possible because I don't really think people who do this are evil, I just think they need an etiquette lesson. Hopefully they'll channel their indignation into a vow to take photos only of the willing, because, after all, normal people should be able to leave their houses without being photographed. It's one of the few luxuries afforded to the non famous - please don't take our precious rights.

Also, get over yourselves: I was writing about a rampant, out-of-control trend. I wasn't writing about you.

Anyways, I know two wrongs don't make a right, but I found this photo of Jake Dobkin that I just had to share:

I don't think anyone reading

I don't think anyone reading this doesn't already watch The Daily Show, but just in case: check out tonight's guest, John Hodgman, author of The Areas of My Expertise!

Why Cameras Are Ruining Everything: A Manifesto

Hey did anyone take pictures at the Arctic Monkeys show last night at Mercury Lounge? Like, maybe...100 people? Ruining the show for those of us who were there to actually enjoy it, not to prove that we saw it? Causing the lead singer to say after the very first song:

"Wow, lots of cameras...put your cameras down and enjoy the show!"

Guess how many people did? That's right: zero! 'Cause god forbid they just snap a few and then rock out like a normal person. Noooooo, they must get every angle in order to prove to their readers and friends that they were there, that they were at the cool show on the cool night with their cool camera. So cool.

Cameras are ruining everything. Everything.

I think I first realized this a few months ago, when I was getting ready to go to a party thrown by a media guy, but bailed at the last minute when I remembered that he hires photographers for his parties. Photographers who don't take "Please, no" for an answer. Photographers who won't allow you to have even a three minute conversation without sticking the flash in your face. At another party, I hastily took a sharpie to a cocktail napkin, writing "NO PHOTOS" and holding it in front of my face.

Much has been written about the classic struggle/symbiotic relationship between celebrities and the paparazzi. Much has recently been written about those photo sites like Last Night's Party and The Cobrasnake and how they turn willing regular people into "celebrities". But what about normal people who just want to go to a party and talk to other normal people without a camera being shoved in their faces? Who will speak for us? The answer is: me.

Camera Etiquette for 2005:

Concerts: If your burning, aching need for the validation that comes with proving you were at a concert gets the better of you, just take a few pictures at the beginning and then enjoy the show. Also, you might want to take a few moments of quiet reflection before doing so, to think about what rock and roll is all about, why you're there, and what the late Kurt Cobain might have thought of your flagrant disregard for the fact that someone is performing for you and others and all you can think about is website hits or something.

Parties: Some people go out to see and be seen. Other people go out to interact conversationally with people they find interesting. Pray for god to grant you the wisdom to know the difference, because, and I know this is really hard to grasp so read it several times if you need to: There are actually people who exist who are not in love with their own image and have no desire to be on your blog/website/flickr page. They just want to talk to their friends. You can usually identify this rare breed of human by the withering look they give you as you focus your camera 4-5 inches from their nostrils. Leave these people alone and find the media whores - trust me, they are at every party and being photographed by you is probably the only reason they showed up.

If a Photo is Taken: Ask the person before putting it on your website or Flickr. It's just polite, you know? It's common sense.

And, finally: This post is dedicated to the douche with the giant Jewfro and brown blazer at last night's show who not only spent the first HALF HOUR taking pictures of the band and otherwise blocking people with his giant freakish head (and blocking the band with his camera), but ended the performance by taking MORE pictures on his cameraphone. I just want to let you know that I fantasized about you last night: about knocking you down and beating you with your camera. It's definitely the first time the phrase "death rattle" has found its way into one of my fantasies! Anyway, I memorized the angle of your shots and Google searches blogs now and if it's the last thing I do I will hunt you down and find you and I will post a MEAN COMMENT on your blog without feeling any guilt or remorse whatsoever.

Oh Yeah!

* Demetri Martin was FINALLY on The Daily Show last night. (So I wasn't making that up last week, they just postponed it) His humor is more subtle than what's usually on the show. I hope they bring him back for more trend pieces.

* Congrats to my friend Julia Langbein, authoress of The Bruni Digest, for the recent Associated Press attention! Julia will be performing with her improv group, Weiner Philharmonic, at tonight's Rejection Show.

salad on a stick

* Tonight I'm seeing a band called the Arctic Monkeys at Mercury Lounge. All I really know about them is that they have the #1 single in the UK and that they've been declared "over" already (my friend got the tickets). Here's their video: "I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor"

* I want my Golden Fiddle!

* This weekend I got a Highdea: Salad on a Stick. You know, because the main reason salads suck is because you can't get all the ingredients on your fork? Well, it's apparently not an original idea.

* Look, someone you can pay to see "Rent"!

branding

I suggested to a friend that there should be a special condom just for sex with Jessica Cutler. Five minutes later, this (click to enlarge):

stripper feminism

Is it just me, or somewhere along the way did Jessica Cutler come to the realization that there was an opening in our culture for "Mother of All Whores" and make a conscious decision to jump in and fill it?

I'm not just being rhetorical here. I actually believe that there was a moment, probably shortly after her blog first appeared on Wonkette, when Jessica lay in her bed atop the permanent yet ever chemically changing wet spot, a few crisp twenties curling in an envelope on the bedside table labelled "rent", when she sat up quickly and said "My god that's it! I will take this to a national level."

I'm serious. I think it really happened. And she never veers from her talking points. She's like the Bush Administration! Seeeeee?

* This is funny: Matt

* This is funny: Matt Tobey messes with the head of another Nike salesman.

And the winner of a

And the winner of a (signed!) copy of The Areas of My Expertise by John Hodgman is... Evelyn Pollins of Chicago, Illinois. The answer was "The Garthim Master." Thanks to everyone who entered! Go here to learn more about The Areas of My Expertise and don't miss John Hodgman on The Daily Show next Wednesday night!

Win The Areas of My Expertise!

Win a copy of future Daily Show guest (next Wednesday night!) John Hodgman's new VERY funny book, The Areas of my Expertise. Here's the question:

John Hodgman has recorded 700 fake hobo names in his book and on his website and some people have
taken it upon themselves to draw them.

Using only the internet, can you determine from the following sequence which is the missing "hobo name?"

291. The Chamberlain.
292. The Emperor
293. The Ritual-Master
294. ??????
295. The Scientist
296. The Gourmand
297. The Slave-Master
298. The Treasurer
299. The Scroll Keeper
300. The Ornamentalist

First correct answer in the subject line of an email wins a copy of The Areas of My Expertise.

Comedians of Comedy, not to be confused with Comedians of Comedy

People seem justifiably confused about Comedians of Comedy the movie vs. Comedians of Comedy the TV show. So for clarification:

Comedians of Comedy (the movie) opens tomorrow at Cinema Village. It's a feature-length film that follows Patton Oswalt, Maria Bamford, Brian Posehn and Zach Galifianakis on tour, showing bits of their standup as well as them fooling around between shows. It's basically a comedy nerd's dream. I loved it (though there were some serious parts I would have taken out.)

Comedians of Comedy the show premieres tomorrow at 11pm on Comedy Central. It's a half-hour show that follows Patton Oswalt, Maria Bamford, Brian Posehn and Zach Galifianakis on A DIFFERENT, MORE RECENT tour, showing bits of their standup as well as them fooling around between shows. It's less serious than the movie.

The movie and the show have zero footage in common, as the show was shot after the movie had already premiered at SXSW.

"Remember me from inside the restaurant?"

Hey you know that show I won't shut the hell up about that premieres this Friday at 11 on Comedy Central, Comedians of Comedy?

Well this preview clip/outtake went up literally 30 seconds ago: When Zach Met Maria ENJOY THE BRILLIANCE!

Recognize the guest star? It's Jon Glaser.

awesomeness

It is with GREAT PLEASURE that I have LEARNED that JOHN HODGMAN, author of the EXTOLLED, WELL-REVIEWED, and REALLY REALLY GREAT book, THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE, will appear as a guest on THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART on WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2005, one week from today.

How cool is that????

There will be a contest here related to The Areas of My Expertise tomorrow.

accept no imitations

The first of TWO contests this week: win a Jesus is Magic poster autographed by Sarah Silverman! Just be the first to answer this question correctly:

What was the name of the band of underdogs on Mr. Show with Bob and David in which Sarah played "the woman"?

Email me with the name of the band in the subject line.

UPDATE: Congratulations to Matt Tobey, who won. The answer is, of course, "Indomitable Spirit".

(I should mention that Jesus is Magic opens this Friday in select theaters. Here's an idea: get people together and go see a 7ish show, then go back to your house in time for the premiere of Comedians of Comedy! (Note: I only plug stuff I really like and I've gotten nothing for it, just fyi.)

I so agree with the scenesters line

* New band names based on grafitti.

* hahaha, silly pictures of Jared Leto.

* Wait, Abelard and Heloise "made it"?

* Oooh, Oooh, I want a Sam Lipsyte button for my messenger bag! That sounds sarcastic but, like, seriously. Home Land is my favorite novel of the year so far, by far (yeah yeah I know it was published in the UK forever ago, nerd.) I wrote him a fan letter and he wrote back!

* Don't forget to watch the premiere Comedians of Comedy this Friday night at 11.

The Douche Files

Cityrag breaks down the web-lash against Jared Leto, and points to this awesomeness created by Junk Feud:

If you know someone who likes Jared Leto...that person is NOT your friend. Stop the douche!

yaysville

Huge congrats to my friend Andrew Hearst, aka Panopticist, who has a whole page of his fake magazine covers in this month's Vanity Fair!

Comedians of Comedy

* This Friday, a new show will premiere on Comedy Central called Comedians of Comedy. It follows Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Maria Bamford and Zack Galifianakis on their Comedians of Comedy tour. I've seen the first three episodes and it's REALLY funny. Set your DVRs for this Friday at 11pm. I will be mentioning this every day this week. It's that important!

* Thanks to everyone who wrote to me about fixing my permanent links, and thanks to Kyle from Blogebrity.com, who went in and fixed 'em for me.

* Brooklynbunny.com. I had a bunny for a very short time a few years ago named JonBenet. It bit me so often and so hard that people thought I had an abusive boyfriend and I had to pay $100 to give it to an animal shelter where they promised it wouldn't be euthanized. But I sincerely hope that thing is giving four separate people a lot of luck right now, if you know what I mean. Um, anyways, I'm sure this bunny is nice or whatever.

* A little birdie tells me that Demetri Martin, will appear as a correspondent on The Daily Show tonight, which is weird because isn't he a writer/performer on Conan? Either way, more Demetri is always good.

* The Village Voice has an interview with Aziz Ansari. Go Aziz!

* Madonna: So Not Cool. God, finally. Thank you.

it's called a breakup 'cause it's broken

* Amy Poehler, Overheard.

* The Real David Cross, revealed. David, the only breakup advice I know is: whatever you do, do not listen to the last song on the Feist album.

* Administrative note: The person who can help me fix my permanent links will be my new best friend. Email me. I'm going crazy and Blogger doesn't write back. Thank you.

"please have your friends meet me by the playground at recess so that I can tell them they have big fat heads and they aren't my friend anymore"

I can't believe I missed this gem on Paul Scheer's site: A Broken Heart Never Heals, what appears to be a real correspondence between two people who broke up three years ago, begun by a woman irrationally seeking closure. My favorite part:

"5 (B). I'm not going to tell my kids anything about you. But
speaking of kids, it would be okay with me if my son was a crack
addict, just as long as he got your kids hooked on it and became
their dealer."

comedy stuff

* Sarah Silverman's Jesus Is Magic Sound Board.

* The Apiary and Susie Felber report that there is a man impersonating David Cross in downtown bars in order to sleep with groupies. The jokes are all so obvious... I guess the upside is that when the real DC hangs out downtown now he can deflect unwanted fratboy attention by claiming to be the impersonator.

everything is happening tonight

For some reason, all my friends decided to have their events tonight.

-- Will Leitch's Growth Spurt Reading Series continues tonight at Happy Ending with readers John Green (Looking for Alaska) and Judy Goldschmidt (The Secret Blog of Raisin Rodriguez). I mention John Green here a lot, probably because he's awesome. Trivia: his book, Looking for Alaska, will be a movie directed by Josh Schwartz, creator of The O.C. This is John's first time reading in New York, and The Growth Spurt Reading Series features a quiz bowl between the two readers at the end with real buzzers. Therefore, this is the thing I'm going to tonight.

UPDATE: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Info:

The Growth Spurt Reading Series
Happy Ending Bar 302 Broome Street @ Forsyth; 212-334-9676
(B,D to Grand Street or F, J, M, Z to Delancey)
Doors open at 7 p.m., Reading starts at 8.

-- The Cringe Reading Series
My friend Sarah Brown co-hosts this reading of embarrassing teenage diaries. (Sarah also needs to start sending out emails earlier than two days before the event!)

8:30 pm
Freddy's Bar & Backroom
Dean & 6th Ave.
2/3 to Bergen, any train to Atlantic/Flatbush
More directions at http://www.freddysbackroom.com/directions.html
Cost: free dollars

-- Jen Carlson's Movable Hype 5.0
8pm sharp(ish)
The Knitting Factory main space (on Leonard Street between
Broadway and Church)
Hosted by: Aziz Ansari
Bands: The Capitol Years, The Cloud Room, Snowden, Bravo Silva
Deejays: Husky Gentleman (Spin), Brother Lawrence
More details

there was no feeling of being in motion again

So glad to be back in My Blue State Heaven! My weekend is best summed up by this Weekend Update quote from Saturday:

"66% of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job in Iraq. The other 33% think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church."

Here are some things:

* Alex Blagg's 5 Dumbest Halloween Jackasses I Saw Tonight.

* Today my employer, Comedy Central, launched MotherLoad, a broadband channel with clips from CC shows, cult classics, and web originals.

* Last night me and my friend Stiff watched the movie "Tarnation." We have never before agreed about a movie, but we agreed on this one: worst. movie. ever. So nice of him to give his sick mom 4 minutes and 22 seconds of screen time in The Story of Jonathan's Love for Jonathan! Seriously, how did he manage to convince anyone that this movie was about his mother? So depressing.

* I very much wish that it had been me who thought of doing this, but it was Daniel Radosh (shaking fist at sky): The New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest.