Lindsayism.com

"do you want a cookie?"

Too. Much. Work. Some quick things:

- Tale of Two Sisters has a new home.

- Speaking of, this is ironic!

- I have Diversity Training tomorrow (thanks to that idiot VJ last year, no doubt), so it's my last day of saying things like "I didn't even know Italians were bad until her!" about Victoria Gotti and "But they don't even have a hell to go to if they stop!" about herpes-spreading mohels. It's a really sad day. I wonder if I'll be the only one thinking constantly about the Diversity Day episode of The (American) Office? Anyway, Back Thursday.

the letter from the fake lawyer? hilarious! and such a familiar writing style...

I'm really busy today. There were a lot of responses to the last post - more about that tomorrow, but a rival hosting company reached out and generously offerred Tale of Two Sisters free hosting. (They must have seen that movie "The People vs Larry Flynt.") In the meantime, this is funny: Nigerian Tragedy.

someone's head is so far up her own "rosebud"...

(Update: The girls made "I'm Being Sued by Stephanie Klein For Copyright Infringement" tshirts!)

The two young ladies who write the brilliant-yet-esoteric parody blog Tale of Two Sisters have just received notice from Blogger that their site will be taken down because of "copyright infringement." Here's what they got from Blogger:

From: Blogger Support
Date: Aug 25, 2005 5:48 PM
Subject: [#270239] Notice of Copyright Infringement
To: annee.goldstein@gmail.com

Hello,

My name's Robin and I work here at Blogger. We've received a complaint
that content in your blog:

taleoftwosisters.blogspot.com

infringes upon the copyrights of others. The content in question includes,
but is not limited to, the content in the following posts:

http://taleoftwosisters.blogspot.com/2005/08/life-lesson.html
http://taleoftwosisters.blogspot.com/2005/08/being-lady.html
http://taleoftwosisters.blogspot.com/2005/08/it-takes-two.html

The notice that we received, with any personally identifying
information removed, will be posted online by a service called Chilling
Effects and we will send you the link of this notice. We do this in
accordance with the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA).

The DMCA is a United States copyright law that provides guidelines for
online service provider liability in case of copyright infringement.
Please see http://www.educause.edu/issues/dmca.html for more information
about the DMCA, and see http://www.google.com/dmca.html for the process
that Blogger requires in order to make a DMCA complaint.

We are asking that you please remove the allegedly infringing content in
your blog. If you do not do this in the next 3 days, we will be forced to
remove your blog. If we did not do so, we would be subject to
a claim of copyright infringement, regardless of its merits.

We can reinstate this content into your blog upon receipt of a counter
notification pursuant to sections 512(g)(2) and (3) of
the DMCA. For more information about the requirements of a counter
notification, and a link to a sample counter notification, see
http://google.com/dmca.html.

If you have legal questions about this notification, you should retain
your own legal counsel. If you have any other questions about this
notification, please let us know.

Thanks very much for your understanding.

Sincerely,
Blogger Support

Tale of Two Sisters is a parody of a blog called "Greek Tragedy", which is written by a woman named Stephanie Klein. Stephanie is the most obvious source of the complaint. This is the lamest, most insecure, most insane, narcissistic thing I've ever heard in my life. Besides the fact that parody and satire are protected under our free speech laws, the simplest defense is this:

No human being would ever want anyone to think that they write like Stephanie Klein.

No jury would convict! (Seriously, check out the site. My favorite quote is "Every time I write something brilliant, I kiss the screen.")

One of my friends just said:

"The irony of a woman whose blog is for all intents and purposes a blatant rip-off of Sex and the City trying to shut down another blog for "copyright infringement" is pretty astounding."

But seriously, this is an OUTRAGE. Anyone have any ideas for how to help these girls? People should be able to write satire on the internet without it being taken down!

UPDATE: Tale of Two Sisters has responded.

UPDATE 2: Anne from Gideon's Bible just imd me this:
"Oh my god - I don't know if you remember but I found out about Stephanie Klein because she had emailed me telling me someone was stealing my posts and hers. She googles her own posts on a daily basis. Seriously."

You know, it just occurred to me that Stephanie Klein probably did this just to get publicity...

(I'm off to Vermont. I won't be on the internet until Monday, thank god.)

delicious sandwich social!

I'm headed up to my friend Jen's house in Vermont for an awesome weekend of kayaking, flea-marketing, and a top secret joke photo shoot so unfortunately I'll miss this but it's a brilliant idea:

Jon "Rejection Show" Friedman presents the first annual Delicious Sandwich Social:

WHEN: Sunday, August 28th @ 1PM
WHERE: Near The Picnic House @ Prospect Park, Brooklyn

FAQs and Rules:

THE RULES:

1. Bring one FULL delicious sandwich (hero, hoagie, roll, bread) with you to the event.

2. Label and submit one half of your sandwich to the DSS advisory board.

3. Sandwiches will be labeled with the name of submitter, and/or vegetarian, meat, dairy, etc. This can be done at the event.

4. Every participant will get one half of another participant's sandwich submission and keep the other half of their own.

5. One lucky random sandwich half will contain THE GOLDEN TICKET redeemable for the DSS prize package.

6. Enjoy your sandwiches, find the person who's sandwich you've eaten, throw a frisbee, have some fun!

Delicious Sandwich Social FAQs

1. Is this event free?
Yes, all you need to participate is a sandwich.

2. Can I bring a hot sandwich?
Sure, but remember, you will only be trading one half of your sandwich so make sure what you bring is also something you like.

3. Who will be inserting the Golden Ticket?
The Golden Ticket will be insterted by Jon Friedman and Jon Bulette. They are ineligible from winning the prize.

4. What is the prize package?
That will be revealed during the actual event.

5. Will there be a man in a sandwich suit hanging around and taking pictures with us?
I surely hope so.

6. Will persons with dietary restrictions (ie. veg.) be paired with another of the same restrictive family?
Yes, they absolutely will. The DSS is diet restriction friendly.

7. I make several "mean" sandwiches...what if I want to bring more than one?
That is absolutely acceptable. The more sandwiches the better!

8. What if it is raining?
If it is raining check the website for up to the minute notifications.

9. Are you serious?
Yes

10. What happens after all of the sandwiches are traded?
Then we eat them. You're free to do whatever you like (no hitting.) It'll be like a fun day in the park and such.

11. Can I bring my dog?
Uh-huh.

12. Can I bring my baby?
Yes

More information at Jon's website.

I'm sad that I won't be able to go! Here's the recipe for the sandwich I would have brought:

Lindsay's Delicious Sandwich
2 slices pumpernickel bread
3 slices fake turkey (or real turkey)
1 slice muenster cheese
Lettuce, tomato
Guacamole

Toast the bread with the cheese on it until the cheese melts. Add everything else. Slice in half. Enjoy!

well, that's it, I'm fucked.

"Talk to your kids about daydreaming. They'll listen"

(Sort of related, though old and embarrassing: non-sexual fantasies.)

night of the living formerly punk-rock people. it's coming.

It's going to happen soon, isn't it? Soon, everyone I know will start subscribing to New York Magazine and getting botox and caring about shoes and "summering" and asking where other people "summer" and giving or getting horrible tacky African-children's-blood-spattered diamond engagement rings and thinking that means they're worth something when they used to be worth something because they were interesting and nice and had ideas and dreams and then they'll buy co-ops and $5000.00 strollers and have terrible spoiled offspring and start voting for Republicans and start believing a person can be interesting just because they're famous or rich and start thinking that they're special instead of lucky because people who want something from them tell them that and I'll be left all alone, mumbling to myself on a park bench about all those old times when we slept on air mattresses and drank jug wine that we bought with quarters and an empty Brooklyn rooftop was the only afterparty we were invited to but it was enough and isn't it ironic that I seem to be copping Bret Ellis' style and what does that mean and oh my god this is why people move to Seattle, isn't it?

(Or maybe I'm overreacting just a little bit. But this has been bothering me for a while. Let's not become what we've always hated just yet. Or is it too much to ask - ever?)

UPDATE: One of my friends just IMd: "Calm down. I'll get a mohawk or something."

"[Assistant interrupts: "He does have 50 more years. He has to. At least! He promised!"]

The best interview I've ever read.

the post with the most

* Yesterday, someone sent me a link to the first accurate review of Bret Easton Ellis's Lunar Park I've seen to date (and I've read a lot of them.) I was almost done reading the review, and was already praising it when I realized it was written by my friend Lizzie Skurnick, aka Old Hag! No wonder it's so funny. Excerpt:

"Unfortunately, Bret at the typewriter wheel, airless and affected though he may be, is far more compelling than Bret on the page - who, pre-haunting, is either downing half a bottle of Ketel One or weeping into his Frette sheets, apparently tortured by an adherence to brand names unrivaled by that of Sex and the City..."

(Use this to login.)

In the book, Bret is married to a huge movie star named Jayne Dennis, so they set up a fake website for her. Here's a picture of "her" with Keanu Reeves (far left, I don't know how to isolate the image):

Okay, so the monster in the book is a toy bird named "Terby" which is clearly supposed to be a Furby:

See where I'm going with this? "Jayne Dennis" is the human Furby! There's my little contribution to the debate about that book (my other contribution? Borrow the book, read the first chapter and then give it back.)

* "My abortion would have been an honor student at Cardinal O'Hara High", and other bumper stickers just went up on The Penn Punchbowl (co-edited by Dave Kornfeld, former intern.)

* Dear Jesus: it isn't nice to tease us. (Can you take her three future murderers too, though?)

* I absolutely cannot wait to read John Hodgman's new book, The Areas of My Expertise, coming October 24th. John will read from it tonight at McNally Robinson Bookstore in SoHo, along with Todd Pruzan and Sean Wilsey.

Grizzly Man!

Yesterday I saw Grizzly Man, the new Werner Herzog documentary about Timothy Treadwell, who spent 13 summers with bears in the Alaskan wilderness, until 2003 when he and his companion Amy were killed and eaten by one of the bears.

The thing that surprised me most was that this movie was basically a comedy - at times the audience roared with laughter, but I don't think anyone cried. It's just your average documentary about a strange and fascinating narcissist with a self-fulfilled death wish. While Treadwell was clearly devoted to the bears (at one point lovingly caressing recent bear crap, saying "This was just in her. I love her and this was in her!"), his documentary-bait classic cocktail of delusions of grandeur and paranoia are what made him so interesting. He filmed himself in the wilderness, doing multiple takes with costume changes, waxing philosophical on the depth of his aloneness as his companion stood just out of frame, talking about his celebrity, throwing hysterical temper tantrums, and never letting us forget just what a martyr he was for "protecting" the bears.

But if anything, Treadwell seemed to be annoying and baiting the bears. In the words of one park ranger: "The only reason he survived as long as he did was because I think the bears thought something was wrong with him. I think they thought he was mentally retarded."

What becomes clear in this movie is that Timothy Treadwell could have become obsessed with almost anything - it didn't have to be bears. He was just a larger-than-life character (for instance, he told even his close friends that he was raised in the Australian outback, even choosing a village and researching it to be more believable. One friend found out only after his death that he was from Long Island "I always thought his accent was funny. He sounded less like an Australian and more like...a Kennedy.")

It's very sad that he died, and even sadder that he took someone with him who probably didn't want to die that way, but everyone who knew him seemed to think this was the way he wanted things to end. He chose his fate completely, and to think of this movie as a comedy isn't to be uncompassionate. It seems exactly what he would have wanted. And it's a really funny movie.

(Note: I just went to IMDB to find some of my favorite quotes from the movie, but this was all they had.)

how to be 12

* My beloved sister-who-I-watched-be-born is turning 12 next week, and I really want to make a little zine-type-thing for her about what being 12 is like. If anyone reading this has a good, encouraging and very short story about your life when you were 12, please email me! She's a young 12 - writes stories about princesses and catches tadpoles at the creek (as opposed to the average 12 year old girl, getting her navel pierced or whatever). She also writes intentionally hilarious poetry, wins science fairs with her physics projects, and does not watch TV or know who Britney Spears is. Basically she's the coolest little fundy home-schooled kid who has ever existed. I would love to include other people's stories in the 'zine, so email me!

* For some reason I thought of this last night: it would be funny if a show used the Six Feet Under white with dates of birth and death thing as a visual joke in a TV show. (Off the top of my head: Homer answers the door and it's zombies. He says "Oh, nevermind, it's just zombies" CUT TO white screen with "Homer J. Simpson, 19xx - 2005" in the six feet under font - but it could be a lot funnier than that. You get the idea.)

* Speaking of zombies, why didn't anyone ever tell me how good Shaun of the Dead is? It's only one of the best comedies of all time (though I did get really scared at the end.)

* Just in case you missed it, this week's Blue States Lose is up.

nightmare over.

(Short story short: my domain registration company, Dotster, accidentally took what amounted to all my money out of my account instead of the tiny monthly hosting fee, but it's resolved now (I hope). I posted something here earlier while I was still freaking out. So if you saw it, it's resolved. But don't use Dotster.com for your domain registration needs. It took over an hour to get them on the phone and they tried to pull a "5-7 business days" refund until my (awesome, conferenced-in) Chase representative said "No way, she needs the money now!")

I'm so hot for a rich girl

A reader named Kristin has 4 extra tickets to tonight's sold out Decemberists/Death Cab/Stars show at Central Park Summerstage - they're $30 each. She can meet whoever wants 'em at the park. Email me and I'll hook you up with her.

I Get Lindsay Lohan's Fan Mail, Volume 4: Now I Just Think Someone's Fucking With Me

I just found this when I opened my box of email:

"Hello!

I don't know nor how to begin, therefore I never sent an e-mail to any actress nor of my country, nor of the world. Perhaps because I have not attracted me so much for somebody as well as for you.

I know that you for being beautiful should receive several e-mails of fans. I would like to say that respect you, that find you beautiful and I loved your film " Evil " Girls, I am not here to give you a song, but I am here because I believe in the people's friendship that you/they never saw each other.

I wait with a lot of anxiety your answer, I will open my box of e-mail of 5 in 5 minutes. I know that you should not have a long time to read so many e-mails, but I know that he/she will read that, I feel that.

Please, if possible it goes, order your pictures for me and the relationship of the films that you did.

A kiss in your heart!!!

- Marcos from Rio de Janeiro - Brazil"

It also included a VERY LONG slide show of presumably Portugese text on a parchmentesqe background. (A kiss in your heart too, Marcos, but I am not Lindsay Lohan!)

justice for growers

Fitted Sweats has intercepted a letter from Jude Law's penis.

Highdeas!

It's been a while since I've rounded up the Highdeas. If you have an idea that sounds like a stoned person dreamed it up and you want to share, email me with "highdea" in the subject line Be sure to tell me whether you want your name used, and what you want me to link to (if anything.) And as I've said before: "Please try to make them semi-coherent. You're not supposed to be high when you're actually writing it. (The last time I asked for these I had to sift through a lot of "if there was this guy and he had boobs on tv hahahha LOL that would be rule!" emails to get to the good ones.)"

(And don't feel bad if I don't use yours. I still like you!)

If you want to see examples, check out
These, these or these.

Pen Cap for Sale

Last night I got an email from an old friend, telling me he had just seen a still photo of me in a short documentary on IFC. I haven't seen the documentary even though I've known about it for a year (I tried DVRing IFC's entire short film series, but did you know that many short films are boring?) It's called "Have You Seen This Man?" and it's about an artist named Geoff Lupo who puts up flyers advertising things like tacks, crackers, and toothpicks for sale.

I was in it because in the Fall of 2001 I accompanied my friends Adam and Sandra to Kellogg Diner in Williamsburg, where Adam had arranged to meet Mr. Lupo and purchase a pen cap, after seeing one of his flyers. Sandra played the role of Adam's "lawyer" and I was his "appraiser". This involved sitting across from Mr. Lupo in a booth and, with a straight face most people who know me would think impossible, inspecting the pen cap and declaring that had some "nicking in the lower extension and bruising on the head." Sandra haggled over the price with an equally straight face and the exchange was made.

Then we sat there for a few minutes making small talk until finally Adam asked Mr. Lupo what his project was about. He talked to us for half an hour or so, explaining that, yes, it is an art project and telling us stories about other stuff he had sold that way. It was cool, but I think we were a little embarrassed when he told us most of the people who had responded to his ads were "hipsters." Before he left, he took our picture with the flyer, and apparently it ended up in the documentary about him.

(A note on the image above: I found it on a blog that doesn't have contact information for the author. If it's your photo and you want credit or for me to take it down, just email.)

Links:
A blog entry about the documentary.
A review of the documentary. (halfway down the page)

if Terry Schiavo could tap dance...

UPDATE: Wes from Pandas... figured out that this clip is from a documentary:

"Polio victim. Gender-bending marvel. Glamor queen and fetishist's fantasy. The Goddess Bunny--the person and the documentary--has to be seen to be believed. This unblinking work is more or less just a chronicle of TGB's life, loves and quest for fame. It's entertainment value comes straight from the amazing, mesmerizing world of TGB, including some marvelously subversive videos. (The tap-dance sequence, the Ma Barker on the Manson's Family Ranch scene and the lip-synching to Sheena Easton are just a few of the film's many tantalizing highlights.) Odd as the work is, it's an impressive tour of the underbelly of the Los Angeles underground scene, with the deformed transgendered TGB as your demented tour guide. Nothing David Lynch or John Waters could ever film would match the bizarre greatness of that one-of-a-kind entity known as "The Goddess Bunny."

It's really sad that someone is trying to make money off this person, but I'm sorry, this video is creepy-funny, especially the end.

Blind People and Assholes, Indeed

Okay, so the story begins several years ago at the joint (heh) birthday party I had with my friend Eric. A guy showed up earlyish with one of Eric's acquaintances, and he was wearing sunglasses the whole time and his friend led him to the couch. My friend Amanda showed up a few minutes later and sat down next to him and said "The only people who wear sunglasses indoors are blind people and assholes." (Yes, a Larry David quote.)

So the guy says "Well, I'm the former." His friend confirmed that he was, indeed, blind. Eric still didn't believe it, though, and for a while he and some other guys entertained themselves by throwing cheetos at the blind guy. Finally, the blind guy said "Can whoever's throwing shit at me please stop? I'm really blind, ok?"

So I've told this story for years. I've always thought it was hysterical that they actually threw cheetos at him, and that Amanda said that to a blind guy.

FAST FORWARD TO THIS WEEKEND...

I get a frantic call from Eric. He was at a wedding and overheard some people talking about their friend Jeff, who likes to go to parties pretending to be blind. Eric ran over and asked them questions, since the person who had brought the blind guy was from the same group of acquaintances. It soon became clear that it was definitely the same guy. So for the past 3 and a half years, we've all been telling this story, not knowing that we'd been pranked!

(If anyone knows the guy who does this, have him email me. I think it would be funny to interview him.)

(no subject)

* I wish these scary little fake babies were cheaper because they would make awesome gifts, and even awesomer things to leave around for your friends to find and freak out about.

* This is a long shot, but my ibook is no longer charging with the charger (or with other chargers I've tried with it.) Does anyone know, um, like an easy way to fix that? (Crossing fingers). It's all out of juice and no charger lights up when I plug it in anymore. Also, it no longer recognizes when I plug in my ipod, so I guess it's a general input issue. If anyone knows the solution, email me! Thanks.

one clue is in the dog's name...

I got all the way to the "dog crap floating in a pool of tears" before I realized this was a genius parody.

At least I hope it is.

(via Alex Blagg.)

UPDATE: Tale of Two Sisters is definitely a parody, and as dead-on as it is likely to be gotten by four people. I really hope it's written by a girl, and that she will be my new best friend.

I drove to New York in van with my friend

On behalf of the entire city, I would like to welcome my friend John Green and his lovely fiancee Sarah to their new home. (Even though he's doing it the "My book is being made into a movie by the creator of the O.C." way and not the "Had to sleep in my car twice" punk rock way like me, and I will never allow him to forget it.) Welcome, John! As the saying goes, if you can make it here after selling the rights to your successful novel to Paramount Pictures, you can make it anywhere!

something corporate

* Comedy Central now has a Frequently Updated Reverse Chronological Topical Website (you know, one of those FURCTWs everyone keeps saying are going to take down the mainstream media.) It's called the Comedy Central Insider, and The Apiary scooped me on the announcement last week. (That guy knows everything!)

* Remember how there should be a band called Faces of Meth? Well, after they break up (ironically because of gambling addiction) their tribute band should be called Meth Mouth.

yes, even Vanilla Sky

Along with "Jesus is Magic", the other movie I'm most looking forward to this fall is Cameron Crowe's "Elizabethtown." I love all Cameron Crowe movies, and even though this one looks very "Garden State"-y, I don't think he's capable of letting me down (and I liked Garden State.) The trailer is here.

another one bites the dust

A friend made me a copy of the new Death Cab for Cutie album, Plans, last week. I've only managed to listen to it once so I don't have an opinion on the album as a whole, but I've listened to one song at least 10 times, trying to understand how Ben Gibbard could have turned into such an unself-aware, smug, pretentious, presumptuous, self-obsessed prick, and nobody else in the band stopped him. I've transcribed the lyrics to the song (I couldn't find them on the web.) Now read this and tell me you can't see a girl somewhere out there who made the mistake of dating a narcissistic, self-absorbed emo musician whimpster listening to this for the first time and being like "Oh my god, f**k you!"

Someday You Will Be Loved

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
all beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
as the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
like you never have known
the memories of me
will seem more like bad dreams
just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
and everytime tears float down your cheeks
but I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
like you never have known
the memories of me
will seem more like bad dreams
just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
like you never have known
the memories of me
will seem more like bad dreams
just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

Can you even imagine the level of unself-awareness one would have to reach to pen a song where the basic premise is "Don't worry sweetie, someday you'll get over me and someone will love you, I just know it! Even though it must be impossible to imagine now, someday you won't even care about me! Because someone else will love you probably! I even wrote a song about it. About how someday someone will find a way to love even you. Someday."

I've been a fan of Death Cab since Something About Airplanes, but I can't imagine respecting them after that song. Fame really does ruin everyone.

UPDATE: Um, Death Cab fans? I don't care enough to argue about this song. Please stop writing to me about it. We just disagree, and nothing you put on your livejournal is going to make me change my mind. Though I will admit I was overly harsh when I said "I can't imagine anyone respecting them..." All bands have bad songs, and this one isn't even as bad as "The Face that Launched One Thousand Shits." Maybe we can agree on that.

no, not lizzie grubman

Okay, when I say I have a link here to the world's ugliest dog, you're probably like "maybe I'll click, maybe I won't, it's probably just a normal looking dog". But instead it's this. Every time I look at that picture, I have to gasp for air because I'm laughing so hard. I think it may be the funniest thing I've ever seen. (thanks to Claire Zulkey for the link.)

Profiles in Douchery Part 2: Josh Hartnett

(He probably stole this seat.)

Remember when I wrote about Jared Leto's rampage of douchery? Well there's a new Sheriff of Doucheville (although not nearly as bad.)

Niki Schwartz-Wright sent me this story about Josh Hartnett at Max Fish the other night.

"I have NEVER done anything like this before, however, Josh Hartnett was SUCH a prick to me the other night at Max Fish, that I think he may be (well not quite) at Jared Leto Douchebag status.

Tuesday night I was at MaxFish with one of my girlfriends. We were there pretty early, just to have a couple drinks and catch up. We sat down at one of the 2 person tables on the wall, when Josh Hartnett came up to us and asked if we minded if he took the two small tables next to us. Of course we told him yes, slightly red-faced from his extreme hotness. Anyways for the next half hour we struggled to hold a conversation as he sat there with 3 of his friends talking. I tried not to eavesdrop, but I couldn't help it.

Within an hour the bar got pretty crowded, and more of his friends came up. We let some of them squeeze in and were practically being pushed off our seats. He gets up to go to the bar and I see him talking to these two model-y looking girls (scarlett jo was nowhere to be seen). He starts motioning over to me and my friend. Finally he comes over, sits down and puts his elbows on our table.

"Excuse me, girls? I hate to interrupt you, and I REALLY don't want to ruin your night, but do you think there's anyway you guys could give up your seats so that my friends can join us?"

I look over towards the crowded bar.

I say "um, should we just go stand at the crowded bar?" keep in mind, we had been there first!

"No no, there are like 8 empty tables in the back" And now there are like 8 of his asshole friends glaring at us. What I should have said was, then why= don't you guys re-locate? The only thing I could muster was "I'm glad to see you're putting your star power to good use" and we got up and left.

There was ONE BENCH left next to the bathrooms. He didn't even offer to buy us a drink. I should've told him I had seen Hollywood Homicide and that's why I wouldn't move.

Anyways, he was an all around douchebag asshole."

(Thanks, Niki!)

And speaking of seating issues at Max Fish, here's the poorly-self-designed story of the time I was kicked out after being assaulted (well, in legal terms) by one of the bartenders. I never did call or do anything about it because being victimy isn't my style. (And I'm the one who buys ink by the barrel in this equation!)

The Aristocrats and Jesus is Magic

I saw The Aristocrats last night and it was, of course, really funny. Once again, Sarah Silverman proves that she is more talented than any other human being on earth. They showed a trailer for her new movie "Jesus is Magic" beforehand and it looks like I'm going to love it. Here's it is. (Note: the theatrical trailer has an extended ending where she says "just kidding" to the black guys.)

hmmmm

(My friend Tyler, aka "Mr. Smartypants", sent me this after I linked to this yesterday)

"Hey, saw your link today on Barbara Bush. Now, don't take this to mean that I like her (because I don't), but that quote is taken out of context. Here's the full script:

DIANE SAWYER, ABC NEWS
You said that, that Mrs. Bush at one point had said to the two of you, don't watch too much TV. You may be watching too much TV.

[01]09:43:52 FORMER FIRST LADY BARBARA BUSH, UNITED STATES
No question.

[01]09:43:53 DIANE SAWYER, ABC NEWS
(OC) You do watch?

[01]09:43:54 FORMER FIRST LADY BARBARA BUSH, UNITED STATES
I watch none. He sits and listens and I read books, because I know perfectly well that, don't take offense, that 90 percent of what I hear on television is supposition, when we're talking about the news. And he's not, not as understanding of my pettiness about that. But why should we hear about body bags, and deaths, and how many, what day it's gonna happen, and how many this or what do you suppose? Or, I mean, it's, it's not relevant. So, why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that. And watch him suffer. [Emphasis added.]

(Tyler): She's not talking about acknowledging the cost in human lives of a war, she's talking about not paying attention to media speculation. It's still not a sterling quote, but it's not exactly "let them eat cake," either."

Unrelatedly, Tyler writes great limericks (scroll to the very bottom.)

brilliant

Stop everything and read this right now.

remember: "man-gum" not "mag-num"

Neutral Milk Hotel elusive genius Jeff Mangum made his first public appearance in years and years, playing with Olivia Tremor Control last night at Bowery.

But he didn't sing any NMH songs. (It's probably good that I wasn't there to yell out "aeroplane! aeroplane!" over and over.)

(thanks to heart on a stick for the link)

Dave Chappelle on FX?

I saw a promo last night for a new FX show called "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia", and there was a guy who looked like Dave Chappelle on it. So I found the promo online. Now, does anyone else think the guy at the very end who says "I'm a musical theater actor!" could be Dave in an uncredited cameo or something, or am I crazy?

UPDATE: Everyone thinks I'm wrong. I guess I must think all skinny black comedians look alike. Oh well, at least Dave isn't cheating on Comedy Central.

Kornfeld's Korner

Former intern and co-editor of the Penn Punchbowl, Dave Kornfeld, sends me links and commentary from time to time because apparently starting a blog is hard. Here's the latest (thanks, Dave!):

Finally! Your first real gig. Mom's on the camcorder. Some dude in red short-shorts is checking your gear. Now all you need is a kickass song...

What a waste of a URL.

If my grandma's going to have her feet tickled, the a**hole better be wearing clothes.

Speaking of old people and sex...

even less to see here than usual

I feel like this today. Like all borderline-OCD handwashers, I get especially annoyed when I get sick because it means that a major security breach has occurred. Other people getting sick doesn't bother me, because I see how they grab public restroom door handles enthusiastically with both hands, and lovingly caress the filthy subway pole without the benefit of gloves or even a pulled-down shirt sleeve. They're the ones who should get sick! (Theraflu is known to cause crazy blog ranting, right?)

I Get Lindsay Lohan's Fan Mail, Spanish Edition

(Actually, this time it's hate mail!)

From: Mireya Aguilar M.
To: Lindsay@lindsayism.com
Subject: I HATE YOU!!

"Lindsay, you are a bitch!! Eres una copiona estupida!! Ya dja d cantar y solo dedicat a actuar!! MJOR NO HAGAS NADA! M aburres!! Ya no t quiero!! Solo xq LA BELLA Y TALENTOSA HILARY sacó un disco, tu tmb, osea no eres creativa, THAT IS BECAUSE EVERYBODY HATE YOU!! Bye $&@&&!! IDIOT!!"

At first I assumed it was my own hate mail (or weird spam), so I ran it through Alta Vista:

"Lindsay, you are a bitch! You are one copiona estupida! Dja d to already sing and single dedicat to act! MJOR YOU DO NOT DO ANYTHING! M you bore! No longer t I want! Single xq the BEAUTIFUL and TALENTED HILARY removed a disc, your tmb, osea you are not creative, THAT IS BECAUSE EVERYBODY HATE YOU! Bye $&@&&!! IDIOT!"

I think the bolded parts hint that once again, I've gotten Lindsay Lohan's email.