Lindsayism.com

Does This Make Me An Mp3 Blog?

Last night I went to The Cellar to celebrate my friend Darci's birthday, and she and I got to talking about her hometown, Denton, Texas. I started singing one of my favorite songs of all time, The Best Ever Death Metal Band Out of Denton by The Mountain Goats, and it turns out Darci had never heard it! I was suddenly overcome by the compulsion to run home and get it for her because she had to hear it RIGHT NOW, but vowed I would send it to her today.

This song is funny and heartbreaking and undeniably true. It's the perfect anthem for anyone who ever left a small town to go out and seek their fortune with no support from back home. This song reminds me of the week I left for New York, with no clue and no prospects and everything I owned packed into my Civic Hatchback. My brother Kevin and I drove out to St. George Island and sat on the beach and made a solemn vow that no matter what happened, we would never listen to our parents or let anyone or anything discourage us or, especially, give ourselves a Plan B. He was going to be a musician and I was going to be a writer, and that was it. Today, Kevin makes his living as a bluegrass musician and I make mine as a writer, and our parents have actually apologized for not believing in us (though I'm really glad they didn't financially help us - doing it on your own is the only way to have self-respect and it's the thing I'm most proud of) Anyways, thanks to Krucoff, I found the mp3. So here it is (you know the drill - right click, save target as):
mountaingoats_bestever.mp3

And On That Note

I gave "Sex Advice From Bloggers" on Nerve.com today. They sort of took out most of my funny answers but I'm not disgruntled or anything (more content for me!) here are the ones they took out:

I've been getting racy e-mails from someone who reads my blog. They want to meet. Should I go?

You say that you've been "getting racy emails," but if you would even consider meeting this person you must be sending racy emails back! Also, "they want to meet" isn't really a dilemma. You just say no, unless you want to, and clearly, you do.
Meet in a public place, preferably Teany, where Moby can protect you if anything goes wrong.

Is kissing and telling just trouble? Has it ever gotten you or a friend in trouble?

Once I kissed two friends in the same week, and one of them, unaware of the overlap, sort of locker-room talked about it to the other. I got in trouble but we're all friends now.

I'm dating a guy who's much older. I feel like people whisper and roll their eyes whenever they see us together. Despite their assurances, I know my parents don't really approve. It makes me feel like shit. What can I do to cope?

Dump him. If you really care that much what other people think, you must not like him very much. If two people really like each other they ignore everyone else in the world.

And how can I be sure that he doesn't see me as some kind trophy?

You already dumped him, so it doesn't matter. (But I did see him the other day with a total model.)

I'm going abroad for three months. Are there any guidelines I should follow for carrying on a relationship that I know will be temporary?

Well, no matter how clear you make it that the situation is temporary, if a person falls for you they don't listen to words, only actions. And why would you want to date a foreign person anyway?

The last time I was at my friend's apartment I went looking for a sweatshirt to borrow and found pictures of me intermingled with porn magazines in his drawer. What should I do now?
What if the magazines were super-freaky fetish shit?

That's just hot. Take it as a compliment and never mention it to him, but be sure to tell all your mutual friends. Make copies of the porn to distribute, if possible.

What's the best public place to get busy?
What public place is cliche or classless?

You say "get busy" but you're worried about classiness and avoiding cliches?

What guidelines should I set up with my partner before making a sex tape?

You want to make sure that you're getting an even cut of the distribution, especially the foreign rights. I've had too many friends who've lost out on the money that comes in from the Southeast Asian market.

What are the rules on kissing someone after giving them head?

The rules of kissing someone after giving them head are not to give head to anyone too weird not to let you kiss them afterwards. And stop calling it "giving head." I don't like that phrase.

Is it that the same rule of tongue for after licking ass?

Ew! No. Nobody should ever even do that! Gross!

(Those last two answers were sort of an inside joke between me and myself based on a humor piece I wrote a few years ago for Haypenny: If My Mom Wrote a Sex Advice Column.)

part of the answer to the unasked question "tell us about your crazy fundamentalist yet oddly happy childhood spent in cults!"

Last night I watched an hour devoted to exorcism on "Dateline." It reminded me of when I was 10, in the fourth grade at a small non-denominational charismatic Church-run school in Tallahassee. (Charismatics are like other fundamentalist evangelicals but they speak in tongues and dance and are often obsessed with Judaism). The school was a throwback to the 19th Century one-room schoolhouse, with grades 2 through 12 all together in the same large room for most of the day, about 70 kids total. Each morning before school we would have chapel, where our principal, (a man with a high school education whose previous, and subsequent, occupation was as a building contractor) would make announcements and lead us in the pledge of allegiance to both the American and Christian flags. Often he would ask us to pray about important issues, such as the case of Joan Andrews Bell, who was then in jail for running into an abortion clinic and unplugging one of the machines, and was praised as a martyr. One Monday morning, after the pledge, Principal S. announced that a group of high school girls at our school had told him an extraordinary story and that he had asked them to recount it to all of us. Four girls approached the podium excitedly and one stepped up to the microphone. I don't remember their names so I'm making them up and I don't remember their exact words so I'm paraphrasing. "On Saturday night we had a sleepover at Cindy's house. Cindy had had a bad cough for a few weeks and we decided to be intercessors and lay hands on her to heal her. We all sat in a circle and laid hands on her and rebuked Satan and prayed for a long time and used the power of the Holy Spirit (speaking in tongues). After a while, Cindy started thrashing around and saying really bad words and groaning. She was possessed by a demon! So we kept praying and praying for Satan and his demons to leave Cindy's body and finally Cindy coughed really hard. At the exact same moment, Anna grabbed her throat and started choking! The demon had passed from Cindy's body into Annas. So we ran and got Cindy's parents and her dad prayed for Anna and finally the demon left us." The principal returned to the podium and thanked the girls for sharing their story and said a few words about the power of prayer, and then it was off to read our Bob Jones University textbooks, all of which managed to incorporate the sentence "Catholics are going to hell." Even math! Six years later, I would denounce the church and refuse to set foot in it again. Six months after that, the church disbanded after the Pastor was found to have been embezzling, sleeping with women who came to him for marriage counseling, and saying things like "This is the only church in this country that is really following God." And that's only ONE of the cults my family was in while I was a kid. There were at least three more. (To be continued, maybe.)

please lord, give her a dramatically affected voice? for me?

I opened my Entertainment Weekly last week and was delighted beyond words to see an ad for a new TV movie starring Rosie O'Donnell clearly in the role of a mentally handicapped adult (you know, because she has a vacant look on her face and her shoes don't match, just like all developmentally disabled adults!):

The movie is called "Riding On the Bus With My Sister", and it will air on CBS on Sunday, and if you think I haven't already set my DVR, you're, uh, retarded. The only thing funnier than award-hungry celebrities playing mentally handicapped people are award-hungry celebrities with bad PR and a Q factor of negative infinity plus one trying to become America's sweetheart again by playing mentally handicapped people. I was going to go to all the trouble to find the picture and everything, but Heart on a Stick beat me to the punch, AND discovered an utterly amazing hidden gem:

Nicky Hilton's official website is called "The Other Sister"!

You know, like the Juliette Lewis movie? So I guess Nicky Hilton really is a retard.

Invite Them Up Album Recording

Eugene Mirman and Bobby Tisdale are recording a comedy album based on their popular weekly show, Invite Them Up, and I'm going to miss all 3 shows because I'll be in L.A. Each show is at Piano's at 8:30 pm. Check out these lineups:

MAY 1
Michael Showalter & Zak Orth
Mike Birbiglia
Heather Lawless
Jon Glaser
Marcellus Hall
Craig Baldo
David Wain
and more.

MAY 2
Todd Barry
Andy Blitz
Jessi Klein
Tom McCaffrey
Glaser and Benjamin
Shonali Bhomik and Amy Miles
Andrea Rosen
Chelsea Peretti
and more.

MAY 3
David Cross and Benjamin
Aziz Ansari
Langhorne Slim
A.D. Miles
God's Pottery
Seth Herzog
and more.

(I suggest getting there early)

Los Angeles, I'm Yours (And Unfortunately, Not Colin's)

I'm going to be in L.A. all next week for work, so sadly I'll miss The Decemberists' sold-out show at Irving Plaza on Wednesday. First person to email me gets two tickets for face value plus fees. (That's $50 total) (I'd prefer someone who can meet me on the LES to pick them up.)

UPDATE: They got snapped up, sorry.

shiver

When I showed this link to Alex Blagg, he said: "They can C.U.D.D.L.E. all they want. It's the F.U.C.K.I.N.G. that's the problem!"

(And then I totally stole his joke when I wrote back to the friend who sent the link.)

Cartoon Idea

One panel. A girl with a Bettie Page haircut and tattoos is talking to someone at a cocktail party. Caption:

"Well I was raised goth, but I converted to rockabilly when I married Bobby."

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MJ proves my marketing genius

You know how sometimes you think of a joke that's so inappropriate and horrible that you know you can never really tell anyone other than your best friends who get your sense of humor and know you're not bad? Well, this Michael Jackson news reminded me of a recent one of those. I'm totally not going to tell the joke because it's totally horrible and terrible and insensitive and awful, but let's just say it was a fake commercial involving a new product called "pediaglide."

also available in "brown"

It's okay, it's just a joke. But I really wouldn't put it past 'em.

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I think the sweet little grandma was framed

So, I was just looking for sex offenders in my neighborhood (2 on Bowery, 1 on Stanton, 2 on Clinton, 1 on Columbia, 2 on Water St, and fuck I hope this isn't searchable) and then I remembered this awesome old link that's still just as funny today as it was last year: The Miss Georgia Sex Offenders 2004 Pageant.

(I was all confused about all the sodomy charges, imagining debutantes wielding broom handles until a lawyer friend explained that fellatio on a minor would count. Welcome, fans of "debutantes wielding broom handles", by the way.)

The Comedians of Comedy Bring Fleeting Moment of Joy To My Hometown

(I don't recognize any of these heads.)

"Maybe it's because Tallahassee is such a poopy town that the crowd was so much better than the Gainesville crowd...Maybe it's because when you live in a shitball town you really appreciate when people come through to entertain you."

My favorite comedian in the whole entire world, Patton Oswalt, blogging about his recent show in my hometown. (He's right, by the way.)

My friend Brian went to the show and said that Patton had the entire room "literally in tears." That's the only description of a Patton Oswalt show anyone ever comes up with. It's a cliche because it's true. I'd rather see Patton Oswalt than any band.*

Here's the rest of the Comedians of Comedy Southern tour schedule (That's Patton, Brian Posehn, and Zach Galifinakis)

*Okay, I'd miss one Patton show for a Neutral Milk Hotel reunion on my roof deck. But that's it.

doing real writing today

(But I blogged a lot yesterday! Look!)

But hey, has anyone seen that Mitchum deodorant commercial that goes:
(written on the screen):

"If the only thing you fear is COMMITMENT"

(beat)

"You're a Mitchum Man!"

How fucking lazy did that copywriter/producer/account manager have to be to go with that campaign! I mean, I know consumers like comfy, safe, usually false stereotypes (See Sex and the City) but that one went stale 10 years ago. Men and women are so much more complicated than that. I'm totally boycotting that brand. (Or, um, continuing to boycott it.)

(See, I'm an equal-opportunity gender stereotype hater. And not to get all serious or anything, I've never met a guy in my life who truly feared commitment.)

my anti-drug is lameness

If you've ever wondered if it was possible for something to be so uncool that it can't even be appreciated ironically, these anti-drug cellphone ringtones produced by the White House Office of Drug-Control Policy answer that with a resounding "funk yes!"

After reading this description:

"You want the Funk? We've got the Funk! This ringtone will get you in the groove and remind you where to go to get the facts on drugs. And remember, you have the power to stop your friends from using drugs or alcohol. That's right--your cell phone is a powerful way to help start a conversation with a friend who might be using drugs."

I was giddy with the prospect of getting calls announcing that, I dunno, "Helping old ladies cross the street is my anti-drug" or "Not running in the halls is my anti-drug", but no dice. Just lame music and a guy saying "Freevibe dot com" over and over. Oh well, I deserve it for almost breaking my own ironic ringtone ban (I still contend that The Indiana Jones theme was not ironic!)

(via boing boing, like they need the hits!)

See Flight of the Conchords For Free

So everyone I know who went to the Aspen Comedy Festival (or whatever it's really called) came back proclaiming Flight of the Conchords to be the festival's biggest hit. HBO is taping their performance Friday night for "One Night Stand", and tickets are free. Here's how (I'm just passing on this info. so if you have a problem rsvping, contact them, not me): FRIDAY APRIL 22, 2005 FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS & BONNIE MCFARLANE HEADLINING HBO'S "ONE NIGHT STAND" TWO TAPINGS: 6:30PM and 9:00PM @ The Jack H. Skirball Center for the Performing Arts at NYU LaGuardia Place & Washington Sq. South

"Email Conchords(AT)broadwayvideo.com with the following information in both the subject line and body of your email:

1. Your full name

2. Your phone number(s)

3. Your email address (the one you pick up most often - be aware that many work email addresses mistakenly identify our emails as Spam so make sure you use an email address where you can receive our emails)

4. Which show(s) you want to attend, Put "ANY SHOW" if you can attend either of the two tapings including the early evening.

5. Number of tickets (6 tickets is the maximum number we can allow. If you need more tickets please have your additional guest request tickets under their name and email address)


Example:
Richard Pryor/(212) 555-1212 /wildcomic@pryor.com/ANY SHOW/2 tickets


Please refer to the shows as follows:

Show 3 - FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS AND BONNIE MCFARLANE
FRIDAY, APRIL 22, 2005 - 6:30PM (ARRIVAL FOR AUDIENCE: 5:15PM-5:45PM)

Show 4 - BONNIE MCFARLANE AND FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS
FRIDAY, APRIL 22, 2005 - 9:00 PM (ARRIVAL FOR AUDIENCE: 8:00PM-8:30PM)

"ANY SHOW" - MEANS YOU CAN ATTEND ANY TAPINGS. DON'T PUT DOWN "ANY SHOW" IF YOU CAN'T ATTEND THE EARLY EVENING SHOWS. IF YOU ARE FLEXIBLE ABOUT WHICH TAPING YOU ATTEND YOU ARE MORE LIKELY TO GET TICKETS!

We will contact you via email or phone with a detailed confirmation if there are tickets available."

I'm 80% Dixie

Are You Yankee or Dixie?

(via the awesome Panopticist)

Stuff I would add, off the top of my head:

If you do something by mistake do you say you did it:

a) By accident
b) On accident

If you say something at the same time as someone else and they yell "jinx!", you:
a) Owe them a coke
b) Cannot speak until someone says your name.

When someone is a guest in your home do you:
a) Treat them like royalty.
b) Treat them like crap.

Answers:
Southern: b, b, a. (jk on that last one, of course, I couldn't resist!)

Intervention: The Drinking Game

If you haven't been watching TV's most riveting, yet least publicized reality show, A&E's Intervention, you're really missing out. But the show seems to be missing one key element: a drinking game. I will now risk eternal damnation (or at least junkie future offspring) by providing you with Intervention: The Drinking Game.

(This dude contributed. So send half the angry emails to him, k?)

The Beginning:

- Take a drink for each of these words, if said by the addict's parents or grandparents: bright, intelligent, brilliant, prodigy, potential.

- Take a drink for every picture of the addict as a child looking happy.

- Take a drink if video footage is shown of the addict as a child.

- Take an extra drink for each of these elements in the childhood film footage: a dog, a cat, a Halloween costume, dancing, hugging anyone or anything, the beach.

- Take a drink if the addict has ever been remotely famous.

- Take a drink for every tooth the addict is missing.

- Take a drink for every tooth the addict's friends and family are missing.

- Take a drink if the addict has a terminally ill relative or significant other from whom s/he steals medication.

The Middle:

- Take a drink if the addict's grandmother tries to give the addict a heartwarming speech and the addict sits there clearly thinking about how much longer he/she has to wait to get high again.

- Take a drink if the addict says "Parents are supposed to do everything for their children."

- Take a drink if the parents say "Parents are supposed to do everything for their children."

- Take a drink if the addict's parents have lost their house because of the addict.

- Take a drink for every mentioned item the addict has stolen from relatives or friends.

- Take a drink if the addict is shown playing acoustic guitar and singing.

- Take a drink for every time the addict says "Noone would want to live like this"

- Take a drink if the addict talks about how his addiction has cost him everything but he still has use of a car...

- Take a drink every time anyone compares the addict's situation to a runaway or derailed train.

- Take a drink each time anyone prays.

- Take a drink each time a parent or grandparent tells the addict that Jesus wouldn't want them to act the way they do.

- Take a drink if the addict says "I don't even get high from it anymore."

- Take a drink if the addict brings the camera crew along on a drug buy.

- Take a drink if the addict tells the camera crew to stop filming while s/he buys or uses drugs.

- Take a drink each time anything is blurred out.

The End:

- Take a drink each time the addict says s/he can "handle it on my own."

- Take a drink if, faced with the intervention, the addict says "I just don't like surprises, that's all."

- Take a drink if the addict leaves the intervention to get high "one last time" before rehab.

- Take a drink if, when faced with the intervention, the addict swallows what remains of his/her stash.

- Take a drink if it's crack or meth.

- Take a drink if someone in the room with you cries.

- Take three drinks if it's you.

THE END.

(But seriously, they should make every middle and high school student in America watch that show. I'm afraid to get my effing wisdom teeth out now, because that show makes it seem like everyone in the world is just one Vicodin away from stealing from his/her parents!)

somebody tell the killers

The Bravery tried to use their fame to get into a sold-out Information show in Boston Friday night, and ended up getting their asses kicked all the way to IHOP. Now that is funny.

(Speaking of The Bravery, my roommate Ultrasweet is djing their afterparty tonight. It's way past my bedtime, but if you go, send me reports/photos on the state of the bass player's face!)

Religion Kills.

The shirt that says "My God Can Kick Your god's Butt" may as well say "Kill Thousands of People In New York City"

I. Hate. Christians. Why do we always have to pay for their arrogance and ignorance?

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a little late, almost true

"If you got two six-year-olds, and they ain't twins?...

You're going to jail!"

- Chris Rock

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Inappropriate Things To Say To a Personal Trainer

When she's trying with all her might to break your leg, referring to it as "stretching":

"Was your last job at Abu Ghraib?"

When she praises your high heart rate:

"Must be all the Ritalin."

When she points out that your hips are very flexible compared to the rest of you:

"Well, I've always been a fan of missionary."

Also, I actually bragged that I won the Presidential Fitness Award in middle school, when everyone from my Mom to Dan Quayle knows I only got the Vice Presidential (stupid fucking chin-ups!) I don't know. It just came out. She was really impressed, though! Yay for lying!

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Angelina Jolie Called. She Thinks You're Crazy.

BME: "How did you decide what exactly to cut off?"

GILLIAN: "That was obvious - it had to be our ring fingers. We were both just out of rough relationships, and wanted to both reclaim and be rid of those fingers... this has a permanence to it as well. You can take a ring off your ring finger, but you can never put your ring finger back on once you take it off. It's something that will last forever - it's a physical testament to how much I actually do love him."

CLIVE: "And if we ever break up we'll just tell people it's a permanent shocker. Think about it..."

I will never love someone this much. One word: boundaries.

UPDATE: Z from Veiled Conceit did a little digging and learned that this was an April Fools prank. Going here and scrolling to the 4/1 post yields this:

"It is better to have loved and lost (a finger) then to have never
have loved at all.

With all the positive messages I received it makes me wish I had lost
a finger. I do love my fingers very much though. Happy April fools day
everyone. While we still have our fingers and there is no baby,
everything else is real. While I am living in paradise (sic), but it really
became paradise the day I met her."

(Oh well, last night I was called "One of the two most gullible people who has ever lived", so I'm not surprised!)
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More LES Patio Bars....

Thanks to everyone who wrote in with suggestions! All descriptions are those of emailers (who I forgot to ask to tell me if they want their names used, so they're all anonymous, if that's okay) The overwhelming #1 choice, submitted by almost everyone, was The Porch on Avenue C. I'd never heard of it but I plan to go soon, so thanks!

good world (3 orchard street)
great outdoor space, great food, and great music, especially on fridays.

tenement (157 ludlow street)
very small, with just a few outdoor tables, but very nice

croxley ales (ave B b/w 3rd and 4th)
awesome outdoor beer garden. great for watching yankees games on two huge
flat screens (outside!) they even have heat lamps. brilliant.

sweet and vicious (around bowery and spring)
nice wooden benches and picnic tables in a large open patio.

the porch (ave C b/w 7th and 8th)
my favorite patio bar! really spacious with lots of little tables and
trees and sparkly lights. it's awesome.

Yaffa Cafe (St. Mark's) has a killer backyard/patio.

Oh, and although it is in Williamsburg, Union Pool should get an honorable mention since it's patio is so awesome and it's usually not too crowded.

Other suggestions:

Teany
dba
7a
one and one
zum schneider
nublu

My (very tiny) original list is two posts down.

Speaking of the Great Outdoors

I got an idea this weekend - I want to have a CAMPOUT on my building's roof deck! I've always loved camping, and getting a group together to sleep out under the stars (both of them) in New York City sounds like my idea of a perfect night. Unfortunately, our roof deck closes at 10, and there are cameras. So I was thinking, is there already someone doing this? Because I think if someone were to offer all-night roof rentals to urban campers it would catch on. If anyone knows of anything like this already happening, or owns a building and wants to rent the roof overnight, email me.

LES Patio Bars

The LES is patio-deficient, so I thought I'd make a list of bars and restaurants with outdoor seating. Here's what I have so far:

Crudo - Bar
Clinton between Rivington and Stanton.
Has a medium-sized area with benches in the back. I've never been there when there was anyone else there besides me and my friends (that's a good thing.)

1492 - Restaurant
Clinton between Rivington and Stanton
Haven't been there, but a friend said they have a nice patio. As of last night, it was still closed, though - they say it will open in 10 days.

Loreley - Bar
Rivington between Bowery and Chrystie
Has a beer garden in the back that is usually packed.

Miracle Grill - Restaurant
First Avenue between 7 and 8th Streets, next to McDonald's
Besides having my favorite brunch in Manhattan, Miracle Grill has a huge outdoor garden that's really pretty, and seating is usually readily available.

One Nine One - Restaurant
Ludlow between Houston and Stanton
Used to be Cafe Lika - has large nice garden with tacky fountain. Be warned, though -they take FOREVER to bring you your drinks. Last Wednesday night we waited half an hour for a round, after asking both owners repeatedly - and the place was empty.

This is obviously a very partial list - if anyone has more suggestions, email me with "LES patio bars" in the subject line.

Genius Lessons

From this morning's aforementioned hate-mailer, redsprite6:

"Look, I'm not reading any more emails from delusional egotists who are able to convince themselves they're smarter than everybody. I'm well into the mensa terrain in IQ tests, so maybe it's time to rethink a few issues you seem to have - rather than clogging up my email box."

(Hey Mensa! You wrote to me!)

So I said that, and s/he wrote back:

"I delete enough unread junk emails a day. Go find a celebrity to hang on or whatever you do, if you're really feeling that insecure."

(Hahaha. S/he crazy!)

I'm off to hang on Brad and Angie!
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my favorite part is the naked angel

This is ultra-viral right now, but if just one person who hasn't seen it sees it here, I'm happy: a really bad patriotic Christian "rock" video. I don't know who it's by.

(via Verbose Coma.)

Highdeas!

A series of self-help books for celebrities: How To Be a Better Madonna: A Self-Help Book For Madonna Ciccone Ritchie, How To Be a Better Britney, etc.

The author of this highdea claims to have been totally sober when he thought of it, but it seems pretty highdea-worthy:

Someone should sample that cyclical car alarm sound (you know, "DEE-DOO DEE-DOO DEE-DOO DEE-DOO. EHHH! EHHHH! EHHH! EHHH!") and put it in a hip hop song.

"Psycho bitch! I AM nice!"

From the mysterious "SK SJK" or "redsprite6"(it's all sic):

"Florida is not Southern! If it wasn't one of the original colonies, it doesn't have (nearly) the same vibe. It doesn't even have an accent! Geography and sociology aren't interchangeable!

And your Tournament of Ex's thing: totally exploitative! And so unhealthy! Lay off the reality TV, for a little bit."

(My reply, and, um, I'm the first to admit I wasn't in a shit-taking mood yesterday afteroon. Normally I wouldn't answer.):

You're a moron. I grew up in Tallahassee, just ten short minutes from the GEORGIA border (half the people in my southern Pentacostal church lived in Thomasville, GA), in a neighborhood that was once a slave-owning cotton plantation, with an active Junior League and golf courses that only recently allowed black people. Tallahassee is far more Georgia than it is Florida. I've never even been to Miami (or below Tampa.) Tallahassee isn't near the beach, if that's what you think of when you think of FL. Oh, and we even had our very own chapter of the klu klux klan (ed: unfortunately). Why don't you do some research before you send emails like this one.

The Tallahassee accent is as thick as anything you'll hear in Alabama. Just call a random business in Tallahassee and listen to how they answer.

I'm sorry you don't like the tourney, but my email inbox says you're the only one...

SK's brilliant defense:

"No, I'm not a moron. Thanks, but I've probably been to better schools than you.

That's why I can understand you've just explained why it's exploitation: you're using other people to get attention for yourself. You seem to need a LOT of attention."

(Me): Actually, I dropped out of a terrible school, Florida State, so you've got me there! Where has it gotten you, then? And people were delighted to send in their stories of their exes. They did it willingly! What could be your problem with that?

Also, Mississippi, Alabama, and Louisiana weren't "part of the original colonies" so are you telling me they don't have "that same vibe"? I guess you didn't learn that at your superior school!

You're really out of your league here. Someone like you should probably be reallllly nice.

"WTF, psycho-bitch? I AM pretty nice. Not just fake nice so I can get ahead while actually being full of myself because I work at Comedy Central (ooooo...) and host prestigious "Ritalin Readings" and work on novels headed for the remainder bin.

Those of us who aren't from your shithole background don't think that makes you so fucking amazing. Especially given that you're not actually, um, funny.

Certain areas of the South do have different traditions - go back and read the article and see if she mentioned anyone from Florida, girl genius."

(I forwarded it to amuse my friends, but never wrote back. Gosh, maybe it's my shithole background but am I right about this person being a moron or what? I guess people who have time to send humorously ignorant hateful emails to total strangers are sort of self-selected to be retards. Incidentally, Round One of the Tournament of Exes continues today with judge Claire Zulkey!)

But where are the balls?

* Battjer wuz totally robbed!

* Yeah, this is from yesterday, but as a Southern chick in the city I have to respond to this nauseating Observer piece. This is my favorite part:

"This being my first supper (the S.S.C. is very exclusive - so exclusive, in fact, that when several girls cancelled due to illness, vacation or fatigue, our party was reduced to four), I could only imagine the manners, the pearls, the perfectly manicured hands."

("Exclusive" - so that's the new word for parties so lame that nobody shows up. I had no idea that my shiraz-soaked solitary reality TV nights were actually some of the hottest, most exclusive parties in Manhattan! I'm so inviting David Patrick Columbia to my next Sunday night Intervention-soiree.)

* Cartoon idea (and I would love it if someone out there who can draw, would draw it)

A bunch of pirates are sitting on a ship, listening to the radio. One of them, his face in his hands, muses:
"You know, this Decemberists song really speaks to me."

* Round One of the Tournament of Exes continues, with new judgements by Jeff Johnson and Simon from No Rock and Roll Fun.

The Hold Steady!

I have two extra tickets to tonight's show at Bowery Ballroom. Lineup: The Eagles of Death Metal (I think the guy from Queens of the Stone Age or something) The Hold Steady Bling Kong

Price negotiable. Email me if you're interested.

It's On

Round one of the Tournament of Exes has begun, and one lucky winner is on her way to winning the Cruddy Award for the worst ex in the world.

also he will teach you how to dance

One of my favorite comedians and a past Ritalin Reader, Patrick Borelli, has started an audioblog and he wants strangers to post messages. From Patrick:

"I know blogs are annoying. I thought I'd start one comprised solely of voice messages. So far I have three. Check it out.

If you want to post a voice message here, it's easy. Just do this:

dial 661-716-2564

enter 917-859-7812 (it's my #)

press 1 if you've entered it correctly

enter pin#: 4969 follwed by "#"

You are ready to record. When you're done, press 1 to post it and then
1 to record yet another voice blog message. Feel free to give this info out to anyone. I'd love to get complete strangers posting messages."

Yay

* My ex's band, The Information, is playing an in-studio at the Museum of Television and Radio for KEXP today at noon. Should be...awesome! (Bet you didn't see that coming!)

* Did anyone see the season premiere of Dinner for Five the other night? I usually find the show hit-or-miss (and must Jon Favreau mention Swingers in every episode?), but the other night was fantastic. The lineup was Jay Mohr, Michael Rappaport, Timothy Olyphant (yum), and David Milch, creator of Deadwood and someone I had never heard of previously, who completely stole the show with his amazing, self-deprecating stories.
But the best part of the show was feeling like a fly-on-the-wall witness to Guy Culture. Just the rhythm of the way these guys interacted, the under-the-breath insults I had to rewind to catch, the oneupsmanship, the clear roles each member had in the group, the way they would all gang up on one guy and then just as quickly gang up on another, the shit-talking about mutual friends who weren't there and the cameraderie. It was awesome. As a chick, it's really rare to see something like that (because unfortunately, the dynamic would have been totally different if a chick had been there) and made me sort of envious. They're re-running it all week. I highly recommend watching it - it was laugh-out-loud funny. There's a short clip here.

More later.