The show is becoming monthly instead of weekly, moving to a 199-seat theater in midtown called The Zipper Theater, and raising the price to $15 (instead of $7 which included a free drink.) I suppose that's the natural progression of successful things, so instead of whining about it, here are some weekly shows that are still downtown, still cheap, and that share many performers with Eating It(though I for one still plan to see Eating It every month):
* Invite Them Up!
Every Wednesday: A weekly show produced by Eugene Mirman and Bobby Tisdale at Cinema Classics (332 E 11, between 1st and 2nd). Each show will feature about 5 performers (standup, sketch, video and who knows) creating something fun and weird for every show. 8 PM, $5 suggested donation.
* Welcome To Our Week
Every Thursday: Jessi Klein and Nick Kroll produce and host the usual suspects, also at Cinema Classics. 8pm $5.
* The Shark Show
THE SHARK SHOW
All-New Comedy That Bites
Saturdays @ 8pm
The Parkside Lounge
317 E Houston St.
Door - Just $5
(Also, MT, that site is a great way to expand your drunk-dialing audience.)
It's so bad it makes me very uncomfortable. And I wanted to like it!
"Okay, I get the meth before/after facial sores, weight loss, etc. But why did crystal meth make The Faces of Meth get radically unattractive haircuts?? Also, is it just me or would The Faces of Meth be the greatest name for a band, like, ever?"
Yes. Yes, it would.
Speaking of now-defunct magazines I owe my life to, here are issues of Might for sale for $10 each.
(Warning: totally unfunny self-indulgent post with a cheesy moral at the end. Read at your own risk.)
I discovered Might Magazine during my senior year of high school. My friend Christy and I were at Tallahassee's coolest bar (but having coffee since we were too young to drink), Waterworks, and digging through the magazine rack, where we found a copy of Might. I actually still remember the exact table we were sitting at when we first opened it and beheld the wonders inside.
This was (for me) before the internet, and writing like this - conversational, bold, daring, un-PC, satirical, hilariously funny - was completely new to me. We spent a few hours devouring it (that was one of the best things about Might - it was chock-full) and then begged the owner to tell us where he got it. He did - and Christy and I joined him to become the only three people in Tallahassee, Florida who read Might Magazine.
I only had a few short years with Might, but I read each issue at least 20 times, most memorably reading aloud the whole way to a packed car on a road trip to Atlanta to see a Luna show. When I got the last issue and found an essay on "Death" in the front and the words "At least we tried" and realized that Might was over, I cried. Then, I called the subscription line and left a long message about how Might had changed my life and I just wanted them to know that.
Finding Might, for me, was basically the equivalent of an actor turning on SNL for the first time, except it was even better because Might was so DIY. It was the first time I realized that there were people out there, not too much older than me, doing really original, amazing things completely on their own. When I eventually got on the internet, my first-ever yahoo! search was "Might Magazine." (Later, doing this same search, I would find Mcsweeney's in its second week of existence, send them a hundred bucks (of my student loan check) and become a Lifetime Subscriber, which is pretty much the only shrewed move I've ever made financially.) I always thought that if I was going to be a writer, I'd probably be an English professor, to have something to, you know, "fall back on." No offense to English professors, but a few years later I dropped out of college and moved to New York, knowing almost noone, to be a writer, and I can't help but think that Might's influence had something to do with that. It's a cliche, but nobody should ever give themself something to "fall back on" unless they, like, got knocked up in high school and have a kid to support or something. Anyways, Thank You Might Magazine. The end.
(I just realized this is the Lindsayism.com version of the dreaded Girl-Blogger-PMS- Post! Hey, it's better than blathering about Ben and Jerry's and engagement rings and "girl's nights out"! (You know who you are))
Bea Arthur: I would like to suggest that Bea Arthur be retired as the go-to reference for Manliest and/or Least Desirable Woman. It's been like 20 years! Leave the poor woman alone. It's too much of a cliche anyway. We need to find a successor.
The Food Spill Brooch: It's a pin that you put on your shirt that looks exactly like spilled food, by the makers of fake vomit. I don't know, it was hysterically funny at the time.
(Apparently, I get to mention Girls Just Wanna Have Fun once a year.)
This weekend during the blizzard I got a Highdea for a sitcom about a guy and his girlfriend, where every episode centers around the guy trying to get a blow job from the girlfriend and the elaborate and absurd lengths he goes to get it and she goes to to avoid it. Since I was playing Trivial Pursuit at the time of this Highdea, the working title for the sitcom is "Uvula Pursuit."
(I'll have Kornfeld's Korner up a little later. He has a highdea too.)
It's by the director of Napoleon Dynamite. I'm no fan of the movie ("The movie equivalent of one of those Urban Outfitters "New Jersey is for Lovers" tee shirts") but I know all the other bloggers are - can we just please start spelling it right, though? I mean, c'mon y'all, if it's your favorite movie, can't you learn how to spell it? NapolEON, not NapolEAN. I mean...gosh!
(And oh yeah, I like the video.)
I happened to catch Amy Sedaris' appearance on Letterman Friday night (promoting the movie version of Strangers With Candy), and it was the funniest appearance of any guest on any late night show I've ever seen. The best part was when Amy was talking about Richard Gere, and she did this really quick, blink-and-you'll-miss-it obscene gesture that involved, uh, looking like she was sucking on a lollipop and then, um, suddenly biting the lollipop. Or something. Anyway, I DVR'd it and I've shown it to everyone who's come over since.
* Here's a clip (3rd from top) Sadly, it doesn't include the obscene gesture, the story about the murder of Amy's imaginary boyfriend, or Amy's idea for a lesbian bar called "Lickety Splits," but it's still good.
Here's a series of screenshots from the appearance (Including the Richard Gere moment)
* Here is audio of pretty much the entire appearance (Scroll to January 14, 2005)
If I find video of the whole thing, I'll post it here. In other comedy news, Stella has just launched a message board.
Maria Full of Topher Grace.
Seriously: not good. Trust me.
Anyways, here's something that looks dirty, but it's not!
Well, yesterday I sent a little note of admiration to the anonymous author, and he wrote right back (and gave permission to post):
"Yes, I was suprised to find several women seriously taking "me" up on the offer, despite the creepy date-rape tone of the posting. I guess they figured it was a public event and there would at least be witnesses to their dreadful evening. Or something. (I emailed them and told them I didn't have a ticket and it was just a sick joke.) Another posting suggested I just demand that the lucky lady wear an electric shock collar that would zap whenever she strayed beyond a ten yard perimeter.
There was only one self-righteous indignant email, from "my" new-found nemesis "Andrew Energy". He just told "me" I was an idiot. But what a handle! That fucking Andrew Energy.
The best part is that a random individual emailed me saying he hoped it was a joke because he couldn't live in a world where such a shameless tool was interested in a band he liked. Then, after subsequent emails, he offered me a ticket for face value. Which is sweet, because after all the glory poured on Arcade Fire by the 'blogoiouse', one is hard-pressed to get a ticket. (Of course, I've been into them for YEARS, back before ANYONE heard of them, when they were "Arcade Toaster".)
So there's a happy ending to my little, little "story"."
- John D.
So, yeah, it pays to write fan mail! (And "Arcade Toaster", hahaha!) Thanks for the laughs, Mr. Mysterious D.
On a completely unrelated topic, check out this funny link about anti-bullying bracelets that I completely discovered all by myself.
* I'm not sure this guy knows what a "link" is. Taking namedropping to the virtual level? Genius! Here, I can do it too:
Brad Pitt, Famous Actor
Madonna, Recording Artist
Augusten Burroughs, writer
William Jefferson Clinton, Former President
I feel so connected!
Thank you for reading these four years, and thanks to those who informed me of my error-of-linkage, particularly "Bullshit Detector", the Deep Throat of this story who went above and beyond the call of duty to bring the truth to light, even taking the time to get a new email address (email@example.com) just to call me out anonymously, time that a less vigilant reader would have spent watching reality television, or masturbating.
Thank you, and I'll see you along the way.
* If women start using this, what will become of the leg muscles we've spent years toning through the classic hovering-to-pee pose?
* We just watched the pilots of two new Comedy Central shows, "Stella" and "Con." They were both pretty good, though I'm crossing my fingers that the average American is going to get Stella, which is funny, but weird. Definitely in the Strangers With Candy camp. (It's directly based on Stella's, live sketches.) Watch for a cameo by a Famous Actor.
Con is a reality show about a guy named Skyler Stone who cons his way through life. In the pilot (which I'm told will not be airing), he cons his way into a free lunch at McDonald's and a singing gig during the 7th Inning Stretch of a San Francisco Giants game (by claiming he was on American Idol.) He speaks directly to the camera and the show is pretty guerilla - it's more punk rock than any reality show I've seen (not that that's saying much). I think it has a good chance of succeeding. Also, Skyler Stone is cute. So there's that.
* Yes, everyone involved was amused and delighted to death by this. (And, really, what kind of pretentious-fucks-who-take ourselves-too-seriously would we be if we weren't?)
Have a nice weekend, and take some Percoset for me!
This guy gets paid to snort coke.
* I get sorta sketchy about letting people send me their books/cds, etc. in hopes of being mentioned here (for one thing, I'm not known for my short-term memory or attention span - notice I haven't added a permanent link in six months?), but when a writer emailed asking if I'd like to read his new book and told me it was a novel about reality TV, my curiosity got the better of me. So I'm currently in the middle of The Virgin by Erik Barmack, and I actually like it so I'm mentioning it (even though the back of the galley mentions an "innovative online marketing campaign" that I fear I may be a part of!)
* This blog is very new, but I like it already. The voice mail story is totally something I would do.
"I have long thought that cat food manufacturers should make cat food in colors that match popular flooring colors, since the hairy little bastards barf so much. You know, like "blue shag" or "oak."
- Chris Hampton
"Many people are familiar with the breathalizers built into automobiles that force multi-DUI offenders to prove sobriety before starting the engine.
Cell phones should have a similar feature. It could be built right into the microphone, and would prevent people from, oh I dunno, calling their exes at 4:23 and unleashing a furious string of profanity and/or admissions of sexual confusion.
On the reverse end, it would be handy to see the blood-alcohol content of incoming callers, to prevent the return call from said ex, who takes it upon herself to inform you of how many of your friends she's slept with."
- Alex Blagg
"Here's one I do remember - but i have to credit to my friend Jason... it's the bacon bikini. You make a bikini out of strips of bacon, your girlfriend lies out in the sun and later you have a tasty snack. We thought it would make a nice photo series."
And for the first time, a Highdea with a visual aid!
"So I said, what if there were a weekly gossip magazine a la US or InTouch or Star, but instead of obsessively chronicling the embarrassing things that happen to Lindsay Lohan et al, it would be about me and my friends? Alice immediately got excited about this concept and we started taking paparazzi stalker photos of everyone in the room, including a meticulously staged shot of Alice with a fake black eye. Everyone was like "You guys are going to wake up tomorrow and realize this was a Highdea." (Literally). We were like "No no this is actually going to be really funny."
And: voila. It is.
- Emily Gould and Alice Wetterlund
TO: lindsayATlindsayism.com FROM: xxxxxxxx SUBJECT: Behaviour Patterns
You seem like a sharp, intelligent young woman, who knows how to handle men. (MT even thinks of you when drunk, and I'm sure that's saying something). But how long do you think this will last?
Thanks for the compliments! I plan to be sharp, intelligent, a woman, and to know how to "handle men" (whatever that means) forever. (The young part, unfortunately, ended when I turned 25.) As for MT, he's just a friend, and his drunk messages are hilarious (sample: "Lindsay Robertson, I remember when you used to rock.(click)"
When women swear, talk about porn, go out getting drunk and stoned, then the behaviour of men changes accordingly.
(Oh my god, are you saying they might start thinking of me as an equal? But I'm supposed to be from Venus!)
(MT gets drunk to talk to you - is that what you want?)
(MT is always drunk - don't you read his site?)
We women are the ones that set the behaviour patterns of men; once we lose it, they follow dramatically and 1000 times worse. Finally we women suffer because men will then start to treat us like primitive cave creatures who get pulled around by their hair.
I consider myself equal to guys, so this just doesn't apply to me.
If you don't believe me, read Tom Wolfe's latest "I am Charlotte Simmons". This is really a parody of our times. And a warning.
Admit it: this is you, isn't it, Tom?
Anyway, give men a chance to sober up and be decent. Once that happens, you will not regret 20 years down the road that it was really your own behaviour that put you in the corner.
This is going to sound radical, but men have pretty much always been decent and respectful and nice to me. I know, I know, it has to be false, right? I'm a chick, so therefore surely I must feel like a victim, sitting around on a Saturday night waiting for the phone to ring, asking for advice on when to put out, buying dating manuals to learn how to pretend to have self-esteem, obsessing over every detail of a date, saying things like "Why do men say they're going to call but don't?", despising my exes, saying that there are no good men in New York, etc. That just has never been the case for a lot of us. Where is the chick lit for chicks like us?
I do enjoy your posts, it certainly beats those others (_____________, et. al.). I wonder though why the swearing, the drinking, the getting stoned and the porn? Suffice maybe that I’ve noticed it.
I'll cop to everything else, but I don't watch porn, I just make jokes about it. In fact, I make jokes about a lot of things. This website is certainly not meant to be a serious representation of everything I do or think about.
In good faith, as a warning I felt my duty to convey,
(Excerpt of conversation with best friend right before posting this:
lindsayism: Yeah, but I sort of want to use this to say something about women. (go ahead, groan)
XXXXXX: No, I knew when I read it that you were going to put your post-feminist face on.)
When you check your voicemail messages on your cellphone, you should have the option of having the current message emailed to you instantly in mp3 form. The ramifications of this technology would include some pretty cool blogs.(I must give some credit to Manhattan Transfer, who recently left me a 4 a.m. drunk message involving jello wrestling (I think) that was the inspiration for this Highdea.)
Adult-themed Christmas tree ornaments called "pornaments."
Ok, your turn. Send your highdeas in. Include a link if you want. And this time, y'all, can we all try to follow my lead and make them semi-coherent? You're not supposed to be high when you're actually writing it. (The last time I asked for these I had to sift through a lot of "if there was this guy and he had boobs on tv hahahha LOL that would be rule!" emails to get to the good ones.)
Picture: Cocktail party. Man stands sadly alone in corner, dressed in S/M gear, including a ball-gag in his mouth. A man and a woman stand nearby holding drinks. One of them is speaking.
Caption: "Looks like Fred forgot the safe word again."