Lindsayism.com

You Were So Right When You Said I'd Been Drinkin'

Not to be one of those bloggers who's like "Oh my god last night was so cool and I was covered in coolness and you weren't there and you totally missed it," but, well, my cool night involved being a big huge comedy dork and waiting on line for two hours, AND I totally posted here about how to get tickets ahead of time, so I don't really feel that bad about announcing that last night's Tinkle show at Piano's turned into a surprise Wilco concert in a tiny room where my friends and I were the front row. Jen has pictures and video and everything. It was amazing. Oh, and the comedy was good, too, particularly Eugene Mirman who made me almost choke to death on laughter. It pays to be a comedy nerd!

Tinkle

Don't have much to say today. Going to Tinkle tonight. Happy New Year!

Done In 60 Seconds

* My friend Darci Kittenpants (of the Denton Kittenpants's) did her own porn title list a while back and it's funny and here it is.

* Someone keeps having samples of things sent to me at my office. A few weeks ago I got "Crack Stix" industrial cement-crack-filler and today I came in to find a sample of Astroglide in my inbox (too easy). So I ask again: who is doing that? It's very funny.

* My friend Brian had a brilliant-but-too-late idea: Johnny Depp shouldn't play Willy Wonka. BILL MURRAY SHOULD! (Think about it. See? Brilliant.)

* I'm not doing a "best of" list this year because 1. I haven't listened to/seen everything and 2. nobody cares, but The Arcade Fire, "Funeral" and The Hold Steady "Almost Killed Me" are tied for my #1 record and The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was created by God to be my favorite movie ever and I liked that "Little Children" book a lot.

* However, the Lindsayism.com Award For COMEBACK WORD OF THE YEAR GOES TO:....
.....................................................................
DOUCHEBAG!!

My Other Boyfriend Is the Preferred Stock Guy

When I was in 7th-9th grade every girl I knew (both in Tallahassee and at summer camp in North Carolina) had this print ad taped to her wall. It ran in Sassy and other teen mags for years.

Clearly, this guy was the epitome of adolescent female desire in the late 80s/early 90s, and that makes him an important part of our generational nostalgia and cultural history! So: what the hell happened to him? He would probably be in his 40s by now.
So: hey Preferred Stock Guy, if you're out there Googling yourself, please email me so I can interview you. (And don't worry about having to give me the Heisman - I only like you as a friend now.)

Porn Titles For 2004 Movies

First, thank you for your submissions. There were over 80 emails, so don't feel bad if yours aren't in here, I had to start skimming at some point. Also, there were many, many duplicate submissions (50 First Date Rapes, Anyone?), so I just gave credit to the first person who sent them in. (Also, thanks particularly to Adult Video News for the free porn offer!) Instead of doing a Top 20, I'm arranging them into sections. I'm including links where people sent them, but otherwise just first names.

Porn Titles That Could Actually Be Porn Titles

The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engorgement (Carrie)

Fisted (Dead Kenny)

Screwed! (JSA)

The Passion of the C**t
The Dick After Tomorrow
The Boner Supremacy
National Treasure Trail
(Sarah)

The Creamers
Grinding Netherlands
(Loren from Tally)

The Sperminal
White Chicks With Dicks
(Nick)

Man On Man On Fire
The Ladyfillers
With a Paddle
(Monk)

The Day After You Swallow
(G. Garbo)

Win a Date Rape With Tad Hamilton!
(Tony)

You Got Spermed
(Joey)

My Johnson's Family Vacation
(Kerry)

The Pushin' of the Christ
Harold and Kumar Go To White Asshole
The Labiator
(Jimmy)

13" Going In 30
Spunklish
Girth
Ocean's Twelve Inches
The Ladydrillers
Scatwoman
Open Daughter
Double-Team America
The Cockout
(the erstwhile TMFTML)

Serious Fetish Corner

The Perfect Sore (TMFTML)
Fecally Dig-it's A Soiling of Unfortunate Depends (Kevin)
Open Water Sports (JSA)
Ella Impregnated (Alex Blagg)

Variations On My Favorite Movie of 2004, The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:

The Eternal Sunshine of the Hairless Nutsack (Carrie)
The External Cumshine Of The Spotless Dick (Dead Kenny)
The Eternal Plundering of the Virgin Behind (Alex Blagg)
The Eternal Cumshot on the Cock-Starved Blonde (Lo from Tally)
The Eternal Erection in Your Spotless Behind (Jason)
The Eternal Boning of the Spotless Behind (David)
The Internal Cumstain of the Spotless Behind (TMFTML)

One That Made Me Laugh Because It Was Such a Stretch:
Raising Helen Up onto the Kitchen Table So I Can Manipulate Her Clitoris More Easily with My Tongue (Tony)

My Abstract Favorite:
I Penis Huckabees (Ian)

3 Last Titles From Me:

Fuck the Fockers
The Ass-ination of Richard Nixon
A Love Song For Bobby Long Schlong
Boning Julia
Tight Young Things

(I'm off to Florida for the holidays - back on Wednesday. Happy Holidays!)

Sometimes I Forget About This Thing

Oh yeah, um, er, hmmm, okay: here?

Porn Titles coming (so to speak!) tomorrow.

This Is Odd

Tinkle fans, buy your Holiday Tinkle tickets now.

(Yeah, I know, there aren't supposed to be advance tickets for Tinkle shows! Thanks to Jen for the heads up.)

Tired of Being Able To Read My Site At Work?

Well, it's that time again - time for that silly, childish game where you send me your ideas for Porn Titles For 2004 Movies. Here's last year's list. Here's a list of 2004 movies. And here are a few to start with: The Prick In Me Little Black Cock After the C*mshot Along Came P***y Fahrenheit 69

Those were the easy ones - stretch your gutter-mind and send me yours! I'll put the Top 20 (with credit) up later this week.

Starred Items

* Wet Hot American Summer T-shirts are now on sale, but only in sizes L-XXL.

* In this week's Entertainment Weekly Hot List:
"MARISSA TO HAVE SAME-SEX LOVE INTEREST ON THE O.C.:
I'm sure Marissa's younger sister, Kaitlin, would be really confused
by the news...IF SHE STILL EXISTED!"

* I don't know what's worse: how effed up this news story is, or the fact that it seems to have been written by a fourth grader trying to be William Faulkner.

* Stella will be performing at Fez in January and February.

personal day

I'm out and about today - have a nice weekend, and be sure to wear your seatbelts!

She's Just Not That Into Writing

From Ed 2010 Job Listings:

"I'm seeking a ghostwriter/editor to work with me in preparing a proposal + for my book on relationships. I've been covered by major publications and interviewed on many tv and radio shows. Looking for the perfect match. You have relationship article/book writing experience and/or something related (women topics and / or spirituality). Prefer to split the advance, but will pay for someone with strong (relevant) credentials. Please contact me (blaire@metroplanners.com) with your qualifications if interested."

My friend Claire Zulkey found this and googled the email address, and found that, why, it's our enterprising old friend Marry Blaire!

I would say "How embarrassing!" but I guess if you've already made a website begging for a husband...wait - why would anyone read a book on relationships authored by someone who made a website begging for a husband? That's like taking singing lessons from Ashlee Simpson. Maybe advertising that it's ghostwritten is a good idea!

Being Thanked In the Liner Notes? Priceless.

* Hilarious short starring Andy Dick as G.W. Bush's "Speechalist"

* Also, Denis Leary's spoof of the MasterCard Red Sox commercial.

* Congrats to my friends The Information on completing their first full-length album, "Mistakes We Knew We Were Making," on Primary Voltage.

* The other night, I accidentally said "I would never drink someone who doesn't date." (Sigh. How perfect is that?)

Gag Me With A Rock

Have you accidentally ingested poison? This article makes a fine replacement for Syrup of Ipecac (particularly that last line!) Questions: Are we really expected to believe that an engagement ring would deter a catcaller? Are we really expected to believe that that's the real reason why these women wear them? (Ten bucks says in their Prada bags lurk dog-eared issues of Modern Bride.) And is this whole transparent "I'm going to "modestly" write about the compliments that people give me as a way of proving that people give me compliments" thing really going to be a trend? 'Cause it's really obvious. And reallllllly pathetic.

"Nice Shoes!"

This has apparently been online for a long time, but I just found it (and nobody I sent it to had seen it either): Crispin Glover's 1987 Letterman appearance . Seems nobody can officially say whether he was crazy, on LSD, or doing a Kaufman. Either way, I watched it 9 times. Crispin directed a movie using only actors with Down's Syndrome, to be released next year.

Next Week: An Interview With Two Guys Who Are Thinking About Maybe Starting A Band

"Dudes, we should get some pizza. I'll buy if you fly." "No, man, I don't feel like getting in the car." "Listen: you get the pizza, and I'll write about your band in the New York Times." "Deal!"

(I know the Times is trying to get ahead of the curve, but this is ridiculous.)

.

Bikerfox!!

This is awesome.

Dull Girls

Oh yeah, I caught Lindsay Lohan's painstakingly orchestrated SNL cameo on DVR yesterday, and it was awful (Scott disagrees) Since when is SNL the go-to place for image-worried celebs to "send up" themselves? (Since Paris Hilton last year, of course.) The show is supposed to be FUNNY, and not a single second of Saturday night's episode was. It's like they said "We don't have to be funny, we have Lindsay Lohan stopping by." And the "send ups" aren't self- deprecating in the slightest and have obviously been cleared, no, WRITTEN by publicists. Who in this country saw Lohan on Weekend Update and didn't have a clear vision in their heads of the publicist's phone call to Lohan's Mean Girls pals Fey and Poehler "Listen, can you do Lindsay a little favor..." SNL really needs their entire writing staff overhauled. Even when they occasionally do sketches that are actually relevant, the average viewer (me) can think of nine ways they could have made it funnier, and that's just not right.

(untitled)

* This weekend I went to a new-ish bar in Williamsburg, just three blocks from my old apartment - Barcade, on Union between Powers and Ainslie. It's a huge space lined with old-fashioned arcade games -when I walked in the first thing I thought was "this bar is clearly based on someone's Highdea. Oh, and attention girls - when I was there, Barcade had a male-to-female ratio of like 8:1.

* Good for Scarlett Johansson for dumping The Douche, but Derek Jeter? Yuck.

(Not feeling so well over

(Not feeling so well over here. Back Monday.)

Nancy Drew and The Buddy List Mystery

So two nights ago, after coming home from L.A., I signed in to IM under my lindsayism1 account and a stranger IMd me immediately. Transcript:

Savvy___: Who is this?
Lindsayism1: What?
Savvy___: Who is on the other end of this conversation?
Lindsayism1: You imd me
Savvy___: Yeah, but you're in my buddy list and I don't know how you got there.
Lindsayism1 (getting annoyed): Ok
Savvy___: So how would I have you in my buddy list?
Lindsayism1: I dunno. I have a site.
Savvy___: what is it?
Lindsayism1: Lindsayism.com
Savvy___: This site is okay.
Lindsayism1: ok
Savvy___: Does it get a lot of publicity?
Lindsayism1: I dunno. sometimes. Is this someone I know? (I was suspecting it was one of my practical joker pals, namely, Will Leitch and/or AJ Daulerio)
Savvy___: I live in Chicago, so, no.
Lindsayism1: ok
Savvy___: So what kind of publicity have you gotten?
Lindsayism1: It was mentioned in page six last week, that's probably how you found the site. Mystery solved!
Savvy___: What's page six?
Lindsayism1: gossip column in the NY post.
Savvy___: I don't read New York papers. I live in Chicago. Do you read Chicago Magazine?
Lindsayism1: This is definitely someone I know.
Savvy___: So I was reading about the First Amendment (that's freedom of speech)...
Lindsayism1: How OLD are you?
Savvy___: Why do you ask?
Lindsayism1: Because everyone knows what the First Amendment is!
Savvy___: Would it surprise you to learn that I'm actually OLDER than you?
Lindsayism1: I'm going to bed. Bye!

I'll never know if it was one of my friends trying to get me to say something embarrassing or if it was just someone without IM etiquette (dude, why is it up to me to solve your Buddy List mystery? I'm busy!)

Crack Stix

I just received a free sample of this, mailed to my work address. As the kids say, LOL, but who sent it? I'm dying to know. 'Fess up.

"Old School Feminists" Aren't Getting Laid Anyway

"When Seasonale got F.D.A. approval, it was just: 'Oh yeah, great, you guys figured out what I figured out years ago.'"

I second that opinion. I've been doing this (skipping the 7 placebos at the end of every pill pack) and choosing when to have a period for the past five years. It's scientifically proven to reduce risk of ovarian cancer, it's MUCH more convenient, most female gynecologists do it themselves, and, for the love of god, you don't have to have periods! The women in the article who think periods are "natural and beautiful" need to have their heads examined. The only downsides to this are that when I DO have one, I shake my head in shock that most women unecessarily put themselves through it every three weeks when they don't have to, just because they don't educate themselves.

My first reaction to that article, with all these ignorant women up in arms about "doing things to their body" (yeah...preventing ovarian cancer, such a terrible thing!) was, and I'm sorry to say that I think this rather often: "God, women are stupid." When I told my doctor, four years ago, that I was taking extra pills to skip periods, she congratulated me and gave me a handful of sample packs to fill in the blanks (since it involves taking 7 more pills per month.) "In ten years, every woman will do this" she said. "Thus eliminating the need for blow jobs." (just kidding, she didn't say that last part.)

For girls reading this, you don't have to take Seasonale - you can do this with regular (generic) BC pills. When you take the last active pill of one pack, throw it away and take the first active pill of the next pack the next day. Make sure you take it at the same time every day. When you decide you want to have a period, just take the placebos that month. It's really easy to have complete control - and isn't that a goal of feminism after all?

Lindsay R. Has A Cold

* L.A. was fun but exhausting - I woke up with a fever today. The Last Laughs event was pretty good - it was worth it just for a hilarious short film about George W. I got to interview Modest Mouse and some of the cast of RENO 911, and Kerry took me to an L.A. party at which everyone was extremely friendly. Not sure if that's just those people, or L.A. in general, or if I had a sign on my back that said "Please come up and introduce yourself," but it was fun. Last night when I got back, I was standing at the baggage carousel behind a blonde woman I thought was my boss. I tapped her on the shoulder and she turned around and it was Laura Linney! So I said "Oh! I'm sorry, I thought you were my boss...instead you're Laura Linney!" She laughed and was really nice. I then explained that I didn't mean to bug her and ran over to where my coworkers were.

* One of my favorite things about visiting L.A. was the fact that I'll get more references on Curb Your Enthusiasm next season. On that note, new CYE screensavers are up.

* I just went to make "Julian Casablancas Has Mono" as a parody of that Carlos D. Has Herpes site, but then Jess told me that parodies have already popped up. I snooze, I lose.

* Do you know anyone who makes short (30 second - 2 min) animated films? A big company I'm friends with is looking to buy some. They must be already made. Email me if you know of any! Thanks.

Zombies!

* I'm going to L.A. for work tomorrow through Monday, so I probably won't blog again until Tuesday. It's my first time visiting California, and while I'm sure I'll experience culture shock due to the traffic, smog, tans, Uggs, fake boobs, big cars, and strip malls, my weekend adventures in red light right-turns will not be documented here because I had this ephiphany: I will not be the first New Yorker to ever visit L.A. (Note: I will amend this policy if something particularly interesting happens, like I run into Jared Leto and get my picture with him while secretly holding a sign that says "Douche" and points to him or something. Yes, I had that blog-coup fantasy. Shut up.)

* On Sunday night at 10, watch my favorite comedian, Patton Oswalt's new one-hour comedy special on Comedy Central: Patton Oswalt: No Reason To Complain. Julie the Co-worker did a funny backstage interview with Patton a few weeks ago, in which he shares his Zombie preferences.

* I like this site: The Polka Dot Life. My favorites are the neck warmers and the jewelry. They'll have a booth on Sunday from 11:30-4 at Tonic's tag sale.

* My friend, Flak Magazine's Jim Norton, will be a guest on Al Franken's show on Air America today, around 1:30. He'll be talking about this week's Weekly Shredder.

So that "Nearsighted Item" "feature" thing was a success, huh? So who should the next target be? If you have a story about a celebrity who was a huge, entitled, smug, own-hype-believing self-taking-too-seriously asshole, send it here. Be sure to mention whether you want your name/link used. (And, like, "I tried to take a picture of Gwyneth's baby and Gwyneth frowned at me" doesn't count.)

Is Your Benzadrine, Uh Huh

"It was an odd coincidence. What are the chances of finding "Kenneth" and "What is the frequency?" in any way connected to each other, outside of the mouths of Mr. Rather’s attackers? And yet here they were, inside Donald Barthelme's book."

I got a kick out of this earnest and whimsical look into the mystery of Dan Rather's 1986 attack, when I first read it in 2001. In honor of Rather's departure, they've put it online. Enjoy. (link via Old Hag)

666

So I was on the subway this morning, reading The Post as usual (admit it, you do too), when I saw that this site was mentioned in page six and gasped so loud everyone stared at me. I have to admit that I felt a twinge of blogger's remorse about The Douche, but then I realized that the moral of this story is Be Nice To People Because They Might Be Bloggers Someday. I would make the worst gossip columnist ever, though.

Thanks to April for sending in the Thanksgiving story. April is famous for being the girl who made a "Jon Stewart For President" shirt for Morrissey!