* Someone keeps having samples of things sent to me at my office. A few weeks ago I got "Crack Stix" industrial cement-crack-filler and today I came in to find a sample of Astroglide in my inbox (too easy). So I ask again: who is doing that? It's very funny.
* My friend Brian had a brilliant-but-too-late idea: Johnny Depp shouldn't play Willy Wonka. BILL MURRAY SHOULD! (Think about it. See? Brilliant.)
* I'm not doing a "best of" list this year because 1. I haven't listened to/seen everything and 2. nobody cares, but The Arcade Fire, "Funeral" and The Hold Steady "Almost Killed Me" are tied for my #1 record and The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was created by God to be my favorite movie ever and I liked that "Little Children" book a lot.
* However, the Lindsayism.com Award For COMEBACK WORD OF THE YEAR GOES TO:....
When I was in 7th-9th grade every girl I knew (both in Tallahassee and at summer camp in North Carolina) had this print ad taped to her wall. It ran in Sassy and other teen mags for years.
Clearly, this guy was the epitome of adolescent female desire in the late 80s/early 90s, and that makes him an important part of our generational nostalgia and cultural history! So: what the hell happened to him? He would probably be in his 40s by now.
So: hey Preferred Stock Guy, if you're out there Googling yourself, please email me so I can interview you. (And don't worry about having to give me the Heisman - I only like you as a friend now.)
Porn Titles That Could Actually Be Porn Titles
The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engorgement (Carrie)
Fisted (Dead Kenny)
The Passion of the C**t
The Dick After Tomorrow
The Boner Supremacy
National Treasure Trail
(Loren from Tally)
White Chicks With Dicks
Man On Man On Fire
With a Paddle
The Day After You Swallow
Win a Date Rape With Tad Hamilton!
You Got Spermed
My Johnson's Family Vacation
The Pushin' of the Christ
Harold and Kumar Go To White Asshole
13" Going In 30
Ocean's Twelve Inches
(the erstwhile TMFTML)
Serious Fetish Corner
The Perfect Sore (TMFTML)
Fecally Dig-it's A Soiling of Unfortunate Depends (Kevin)
Open Water Sports (JSA)
Ella Impregnated (Alex Blagg)
Variations On My Favorite Movie of 2004, The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:
The Eternal Sunshine of the Hairless Nutsack (Carrie)
The External Cumshine Of The Spotless Dick (Dead Kenny)
The Eternal Plundering of the Virgin Behind (Alex Blagg)
The Eternal Cumshot on the Cock-Starved Blonde (Lo from Tally)
The Eternal Erection in Your Spotless Behind (Jason)
The Eternal Boning of the Spotless Behind (David)
The Internal Cumstain of the Spotless Behind (TMFTML)
One That Made Me Laugh Because It Was Such a Stretch:
Raising Helen Up onto the Kitchen Table So I Can Manipulate Her Clitoris More Easily with My Tongue (Tony)
My Abstract Favorite:
I Penis Huckabees (Ian)
3 Last Titles From Me:
Fuck the Fockers
The Ass-ination of Richard Nixon
A Love Song For Bobby Long Schlong
Tight Young Things
(I'm off to Florida for the holidays - back on Wednesday. Happy Holidays!)
Those were the easy ones - stretch your gutter-mind and send me yours! I'll put the Top 20 (with credit) up later this week.
* In this week's Entertainment Weekly Hot List:
"MARISSA TO HAVE SAME-SEX LOVE INTEREST ON THE O.C.:
I'm sure Marissa's younger sister, Kaitlin, would be really confused
by the news...IF SHE STILL EXISTED!"
* I don't know what's worse: how effed up this news story is, or the fact that it seems to have been written by a fourth grader trying to be William Faulkner.
"I'm seeking a ghostwriter/editor to work with me in preparing a proposal + for my book on relationships. I've been covered by major publications and interviewed on many tv and radio shows. Looking for the perfect match. You have relationship article/book writing experience and/or something related (women topics and / or spirituality). Prefer to split the advance, but will pay for someone with strong (relevant) credentials. Please contact me (email@example.com) with your qualifications if interested."
I would say "How embarrassing!" but I guess if you've already made a website begging for a husband...wait - why would anyone read a book on relationships authored by someone who made a website begging for a husband? That's like taking singing lessons from Ashlee Simpson. Maybe advertising that it's ghostwritten is a good idea!
* Congrats to my friends The Information on completing their first full-length album, "Mistakes We Knew We Were Making," on Primary Voltage.
* The other night, I accidentally said "I would never drink someone who doesn't date." (Sigh. How perfect is that?)
(I know the Times is trying to get ahead of the curve, but this is ridiculous.)
* Good for Scarlett Johansson for dumping The Douche, but Derek Jeter? Yuck.
Savvy___: Who is this?
Savvy___: Who is on the other end of this conversation?
Lindsayism1: You imd me
Savvy___: Yeah, but you're in my buddy list and I don't know how you got there.
Lindsayism1 (getting annoyed): Ok
Savvy___: So how would I have you in my buddy list?
Lindsayism1: I dunno. I have a site.
Savvy___: what is it?
Savvy___: This site is okay.
Savvy___: Does it get a lot of publicity?
Lindsayism1: I dunno. sometimes. Is this someone I know? (I was suspecting it was one of my practical joker pals, namely, Will Leitch and/or AJ Daulerio)
Savvy___: I live in Chicago, so, no.
Savvy___: So what kind of publicity have you gotten?
Lindsayism1: It was mentioned in page six last week, that's probably how you found the site. Mystery solved!
Savvy___: What's page six?
Lindsayism1: gossip column in the NY post.
Savvy___: I don't read New York papers. I live in Chicago. Do you read Chicago Magazine?
Lindsayism1: This is definitely someone I know.
Savvy___: So I was reading about the First Amendment (that's freedom of speech)...
Lindsayism1: How OLD are you?
Savvy___: Why do you ask?
Lindsayism1: Because everyone knows what the First Amendment is!
Savvy___: Would it surprise you to learn that I'm actually OLDER than you?
Lindsayism1: I'm going to bed. Bye!
I'll never know if it was one of my friends trying to get me to say something embarrassing or if it was just someone without IM etiquette (dude, why is it up to me to solve your Buddy List mystery? I'm busy!)
I second that opinion. I've been doing this (skipping the 7 placebos at the end of every pill pack) and choosing when to have a period for the past five years. It's scientifically proven to reduce risk of ovarian cancer, it's MUCH more convenient, most female gynecologists do it themselves, and, for the love of god, you don't have to have periods! The women in the article who think periods are "natural and beautiful" need to have their heads examined. The only downsides to this are that when I DO have one, I shake my head in shock that most women unecessarily put themselves through it every three weeks when they don't have to, just because they don't educate themselves.
My first reaction to that article, with all these ignorant women up in arms about "doing things to their body" (yeah...preventing ovarian cancer, such a terrible thing!) was, and I'm sorry to say that I think this rather often: "God, women are stupid." When I told my doctor, four years ago, that I was taking extra pills to skip periods, she congratulated me and gave me a handful of sample packs to fill in the blanks (since it involves taking 7 more pills per month.) "In ten years, every woman will do this" she said. "Thus eliminating the need for blow jobs." (just kidding, she didn't say that last part.)
For girls reading this, you don't have to take Seasonale - you can do this with regular (generic) BC pills. When you take the last active pill of one pack, throw it away and take the first active pill of the next pack the next day. Make sure you take it at the same time every day. When you decide you want to have a period, just take the placebos that month. It's really easy to have complete control - and isn't that a goal of feminism after all?
* One of my favorite things about visiting L.A. was the fact that I'll get more references on Curb Your Enthusiasm next season. On that note, new CYE screensavers are up.
* I just went to make "Julian Casablancas Has Mono" as a parody of that Carlos D. Has Herpes site, but then Jess told me that parodies have already popped up. I snooze, I lose.
* Do you know anyone who makes short (30 second - 2 min) animated films? A big company I'm friends with is looking to buy some. They must be already made. Email me if you know of any! Thanks.
* I'm going to L.A. for work tomorrow through Monday, so I probably won't blog again until Tuesday. It's my first time visiting California, and while I'm sure I'll experience culture shock due to the traffic, smog, tans, Uggs, fake boobs, big cars, and strip malls, my weekend adventures in red light right-turns will not be documented here because I had this ephiphany: I will not be the first New Yorker to ever visit L.A. (Note: I will amend this policy if something particularly interesting happens, like I run into Jared Leto and get my picture with him while secretly holding a sign that says "Douche" and points to him or something. Yes, I had that blog-coup fantasy. Shut up.)
* On Sunday night at 10, watch my favorite comedian, Patton Oswalt's new one-hour comedy special on Comedy Central: Patton Oswalt: No Reason To Complain. Julie the Co-worker did a funny backstage interview with Patton a few weeks ago, in which he shares his Zombie preferences.
* My friend, Flak Magazine's Jim Norton, will be a guest on Al Franken's show on Air America today, around 1:30. He'll be talking about this week's Weekly Shredder.
So that "Nearsighted Item" "feature" thing was a success, huh? So who should the next target be? If you have a story about a celebrity who was a huge, entitled, smug, own-hype-believing self-taking-too-seriously asshole, send it here. Be sure to mention whether you want your name/link used. (And, like, "I tried to take a picture of Gwyneth's baby and Gwyneth frowned at me" doesn't count.)
I got a kick out of this earnest and whimsical look into the mystery of Dan Rather's 1986 attack, when I first read it in 2001. In honor of Rather's departure, they've put it online. Enjoy. (link via Old Hag)
Thanks to April for sending in the Thanksgiving story. April is famous for being the girl who made a "Jon Stewart For President" shirt for Morrissey!