Also, what a fucking asshole.
Also, what a fucking asshole.
Luckily, my friend "Mr. A" does some background work for her, so I was able to cajole her into being a guest advice columnist, answering the pressing questions Lindsayism.com readers have sent in over the past few months. I hope you'll agree that Toni's piercing insight is a real asset to this blog!
My boyfriend and I have been living together for four months now. He's a great guy, but lately things have been kind of uncomfortable between us: He hasn't had a job the whole time, and I'm the one who's paying the rent. My resentment has started to spill over in the bedroom. Am I wrong? How can we get our bliss back?
Bitter Breadwinner in Boise
Bliss, I learned from being sodomized, is an experience of eternity in a moment of real time. You should let him fuck you in the ass.
My wife had a series of rough relationships (with her father, with ex-boyfriends, etc.,) before we met, and, as a result, she holds a lot back. She's also started to become really involved in her church lately, making me feel sort of left out. How can I penetrate this wall she's put up between us?
Saviour in Sacramento
Fucking her in the ass will solve both of these problems. The penetration is deeper, more profound; it rides the edge of sanity. The direct path to God has become clear, has been cleared. You open your ass and you open your mind and you open your heart. Seriously, fuck her in the ass. And remember: used condoms go in a special gold box, never the trash.
I've been seeing this guy for a couple of months now and I always thought that we were exclusive. Last week I found out that he had been seeing another girl at the same time. He's begged me to forgive him, but I'm not sure. I really like him, but I'm still hurt. Should I give him a second chance?
Cuckolded in Kentucky
Not only should you take him back, you should let him plough your backyard garden. I was once given a second chance, not on the well-trodden vaginal trail, but in a place entirely new to my consciousness -- and it quickly became the site of my consciousness. Trust me, you'll want to die with him in your ass.
My wife and I just moved into the house of our dreams, but there's one small problem: The back of the house is almost inaccessible, because the rear entrance is extremely difficult to open. Even if you pound your way in, it's a really tight fit. We've tried greasing the hinges, but we still have a hard time getting things through there. Any advice?
Too Big for the Back in Buffalo
You might want to check with a structural engineer in your area, or failing that, a skilled carpenter. Just make sure that he's licensed and bonded by the state.
- Alex Balk and Lindsay Robertson
(Alex Balk and Lindsay Robertson are currently collaborating on a novel, which should be completed whenever they stop procrastinating by writing juvenile stuff like this.)
* We've all seen the Ashlee Simpson video and recaps by now (I actually watched SNL Saturday night, but during Weekend Update I accidentally put my hand into a glass of Pinot Noir, and the ensuing blood-spurting glass-shard-tweezing chaos caused me to miss Ashlee's big moment.) I think my friend Will said it best: "From now on when I make a mistake I'm just going to do a little hoedown." My sources tell me that Ashlee will be calling in to TRL to explain everything and save her career, this afternoon.
* My self-amusing idea last Friday to paper my out-of-town boss's office door with TPS Report Cover Sheets backfired when it turns out he hasn't seen Office Space! Just my luck.
* People keep telling me this site is blocked as porn at their offices. Does anyone know why or what I could do about that?
* Thank you to everyone who has written in about "the chick lit myth". I'm compiling the responses. We should have all this figured out for good pretty soon, and then nobody will ever write a patronizing book ever again.
"THIS IS ME: Best band you've never heard of? THE LAST
THIS IS YOU: If they are so good and I'm a New York
hipster why don't I know about them?
THIS IS ME: Because they live in dumb OHIO. And just
played in NYC last night for the first time.
I want to invent new superlatives to describe how
great this band's performance was last night. I want
to start a blog because I want to go on and on till
the breaka breaka dawn about how great this band was
last night. Their set was a 20 minute orgasmathon that
should have never ended. But I"m glad it did only
because the lead singer has the prettiest boy voice
I’ve heard since Jeff Buckley, and I wouldn’t want him
to damage those sweet sweet vocal chords. And he
smiles! A rocker who smiles just cause he's friendly??
No you shut up!
Please (to the bazillionth power) go to their website
and follow these steps.
1. Listen to the MP3 of "Forgetting".
2. Listen to the MP3 of "Buried".
3. Email Jess, the tallest drink of water keyboardist
girl in Ohio at thelasthotel(at)yahoo.com and tell her to
email you "I’ll Never Mind".
4. Get them booked here in NYC somehow. Southpaw or
Pianos or some place."
* My lovely roommate Sarah is throwing a party tonight and James Iha is djing and there's an open bar for 2 hours!
* Welcome back Miss Modern Age!
* Thanks for all the great responses to yesterday's post, except the one totally crazy one. There should be a "CSI: Lindsay's Hate Mail" (and while we're at it, "CSI: Anonymous Comments") I'm putting them all together so I can share what I've learned about what boys like.
First, this article, "Television Without Pity" explores the repercussions of the case brought against the writers of "Friends" by a disgruntled former writer's assistant. I'm really new to collaborative writing, but from what I've seen and participated in, the writers are absolutely right. If your sensibilities are easily offended, you have no business attempting to work in a creative collaborative situation. It's cases like this that keep women out of writer's rooms. This chick should have tried for a job at Oprah or on Lifetime: Television for Victims instead.
Speaking of things that make me ashamed of my gender, this article by Jack Marin on the new bestseller "He's Just Not That Into You" , written by former Sex In the City writers is right on the money in its proposition that maybe, just maybe, he's "not that into you" because there's something wrong with you:
"Any single guy will tell you there aren't that many good women around, either. When he finds one, he marries her if she will have him. Let's agree that neither sex is exclusively to blame when things don't wind up in wedded bliss.
There is something wildly condescending about the image of women as helpless creatures standing around minding their own business until men come into their lives and break their hearts. This, after how many waves of feminism?"
Right on! I don't think the writer goes far enough, though. (Though maybe his harsher opinions were edited out. Being, for better or worse, my own editor, I'm happy to step in and express mine.)
I have a lot of guy friends, and from listening to them I know there is just as much of a dearth of "good" women as "good" men. From my own experience and from observation, it seems like women fall into two categories: either they're successful with guys or they're not. Either guys fall for them hard and right away, or not at all. Either they always call, or they never call. And there's no way of telling who is going to fall into which category - it certainly seems to have nothing to do with looks. When Jack Berger told Miranda that the guy who didn't call her back just "wasn't that into" her, he should have added "Because you and your friends are desperate, painfully un-funny, materialistic cunts who have nothing to offer conversation-wise but lists of things you've recently purchased and no interests of your own and no curiosity and no motivation but snagging a rich husband as soon as possible."
That applies to the four women of that awful show, but they're just archetypes. What about real people? What makes some girls sought-after and others not? I'm going to get reamed for this, but why do I keep having the same conversation in hushed tones in ladies rooms about the Chick Lit Myth, that unquestioned accepted wisdom that men are jerks who never call the next day, that it's so hard to find a good guy...when this is the exact opposite of our experience? And nobody ever talks about it!
In my experience, this city is is chock full of "viable" guys. They're everywhere! I honestly think that any girl who thinks otherwise is just not interested in being friends with straight men - or she has no common ground on which to relate to them. The girls I know who are most successful with guys are the same girls who have a lot of platonic straight male friends. There has to be a connection there.
So, I'm asking what makes you pursue one girl over another? (And let's leave looks out of it, since we're assuming you were initially attracted to her enough to go out with her.) Email me at lindsay(at)lindsayism.com and I'll tally and post the results of this unscientific survey later this week.
Everyone makes a big deal about New York bands, but I think the Boston music scene is so overlooked. When you have local bands selling out big venues weeks in advance and you're not New York? That's a scene. When these bands are all friends and support each other and put on awesome Halloween shows where they each dress and perform as classic britpop bands (The Cure, Pulp, etc) and they have tons of die-hard fans who skip The Strokes to see them instead? That's a scene. And Boston shows are just plain better than New York ones across the board. Less disaffected head-nodding, more actual caring. Spin or Rolling Stone should send a reporter up on the Chinatown bus, stat!
Oh, I'll save you the trouble.
* He can call me "Shittyism" if he wants.
Speaking of the Mir-man, here's info. on his upcoming CD release next Monday at Bowery Ballroom:
EUGENE MIRMAN CD RELEASE PARTY
"The Absurd Night Club Comedy Of Eugene Mirman"
MONDAY, OCTOBER 18
8 PM doors, show at 9 PM
Hosted by Slovin and Allen (Writers for Saturday Night Live)
Todd Barry (Letterman, Conan, Comedy Central Presents)
Jon Benjamin (From Dr. Katz and Home Movies)
David Wain (Co-writer/ director Wet Hot American Summer, Stella) and guests
Demetri Martin (Conan, Letterman, winner 2003 Perrier award for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival)
Plus various special surprise guests! (Including enthusiastic audience member Lindsay Robertson!)
When Julie the Coworker sent me this link, at first I thought "A magazine for people named Jennifer? Brilliant!" But it's a magazine for Mormon girls.
Hey, while I'm bashing Christians (so fun, so easy), Scott Stereogum sent me this, my favorite link of all time, a Chick Pamphlet about the dangers of Christian rock music. For $700, you can order 10,000 of these tracts customized with your organization or church's logo and information on the back. How great would it be to customize it with your band's info?
* I'm leaving for Tampa tomorrow to hang out with Florida friends and see the Pixies and ride roller coasters and stay at a cheesy hotel. So I won't be back here until Tuesday (There, there, dry your eyes. I'm sure you'll find some way to live without my quarter-assed afterthought just-barely blogging.)
* If you came here from the Village Voice, I'm sure you're like "whah--?" So I took the liberty of finding three things from back when I was "freelancing" and had more time for this poor neglected url:
* Mental note: when in Rome... (I never did get around to writing the Best Bathrooms to Hook Up In article, so I'll share the secret Best: Lotus on Clinton and Stanton (NOT the one in the meatkissing district)Enjoy!
(Also, what "wayward makeout sessions"? I don't remember blogging about any of those...)
I feel validated, like mall parking. Now I will go roll in my pile of hundreds.
(My digital camera is broken, but just imagine a bunch of obnoxious pics of me and my friends grinning drunkenly in front of a blue neon coat hanger (their sign))
* I didn't think there was room in my life for a one-hour drama, but then Lost came along and changed all that. When it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I'm officially on that bandwagon. When I first saw it I thought "how are they going to sustain this?" but in the first episode, Jack says that there are "at least 48" survivors, even though at this point we've seen, what? 15? 20? So now I can imagine Season 5, when they bring in the sassy, streetwise teen from the Bronx to teach them all a lesson, and Heather Locklear as a guest star.
* Oooh, choose style, fabric, and extras, and M. Avery Designs will customize a bag to your specifications.
My friend Amanda just sent me that. That's us at age 9 or 10. I'm the retard on the left. I don't even remember what I was running for or if I won. Or that shirt. (But I do remember those glasses. I swear I was normal looking without them. I swear!)
* Neal Pollack will be in town this weekend promoting his funny satirical novel, Nevermind the Pollacks. He's having a party at The Delancey tomorrow night (details tba) and hosting this week's edition of the really really great weekly comedy show, Get Up, Stand Up. All of the guests will be on this season of "Premium Blend".
* I watched the debate with a much-smarter-than-me friend, who explained things to me slowly and laughed at me for saying things like "I think Kerry should have at least one speechwriter who's been smoking pot." (I was serious)
* SNL should have a debate parody tomorrow night that has a split screen, with Kerry normal and Bush's podium WAY up high so his head is at the top of the screen.
* I don't care about their ties. (Unless they're to the Saudi royal family! hahahaha!)