Lindsayism.com

Stick A Big, Black Fork In Paris Hilton

'Cause she's done. (Personally, I'm kinda shocked at this. I'm from the South, and I've never once heard a peer use that word as an insult or slur. I'm not counting the tobacco-chewing rednecks in P.E. class as my peers.)

(NOTE: the link is right now. I'm not very smart.)

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Dilettante-ism 101

This Brian Jonestown Massacre fan thinks me and Jen are out of line for focusing on Joel Gion. He says:

"The tamborine player whose sideburns you want to pet HASN'T BEEN IN THE FUCKING BAND FOR SIX YEARS! He toured with the band in support of Strung Out In Heaven - that was 1998."

I guess if I was a huge fan of a band and some blogger girls in NYC chose to gush about a dude who hasn't been in the band in forever and wasn't really part of the what I love about the band, I'd be a little pissed too.

But the thing is, while I loved the movie, and I plan to download some BJM music and listen to it, in this case, my fandom isn't associated with a consumer product or even an artistic project or even a cute boy (he's not my type). I'm a fan of Joel, and that's the main thing I took away from the BJM show I saw in Tallahassee, FL in 1998 and that's the main thing I took away from the movie. I think he's funny. And I like his style. And I like his glasses. And I like his ability to look more bored than I've ever seen anyone look. I think it's so exaggerated that it's comical, like a caricture of a hipster. Some people are fans of Paris Hilton, I'm a fan of Joel Gion. Dig? (sorry, I had to end it that way.)

(And by the way, we're making those t-shirts.)

how children learn to hate

Last night, during the tropical storm, I went to meet a friend for drinks at 12" on Essex street. I was standing in front of the door in the rain, trying to close my umbrella while holding a soaked paper bag containing hot soup and iced tea. The bag broke and everything spilled. So I was struggling to pick everything up, balancing on heels with a huge umbrella collapsed over my head, and these two men at the deli next door were just standing there, a few feet away, watching me. So I pick up all the trash and look at the huge trash can they have in front of them, and one guy yells "No! Not our trash! Corner! Corner!" and makes me walk all the way to the corner in the pouring rain to throw the trash away. So now, I hate them. I was telling this story to a friend last night and said "I hate them. I want to find out what nationality they are so I can be racist against them." And he dared me to post that. So there it is. Let the hate mail begin (I'll keep you posted on what nationality it is. I'm on the edge of my seat!)

Wear White and Come When I Call

Monday night I saw this new documentary called DIG!, which follows the rivalry between two indie bands, The Brian Jonestown Massacre and The Dandy Warhols, and particularly between their front men, Anton and Courtney. I wasn't particularly into either of those bands before, but you don't have to be to LOVE the movie. Here's the trailer.

I hate reviewing things, so I'll just post some of my favorite quotes from the movie (I was frantically scribbling in my notebook the whole time.)

(Anton on the music industry):
"Until they can write the letter that I write, I'm the letter writer and they're just the postman."

(Anton, fighting with band member):
"You fucking broke my sitar, motherf*cker!"

(Miranda Lee Richards on drugs)
"All those 60s bands got into drugs, but they were famous first."

You can't tell from the trailer, but the tambourine guy from The Brian Jonestown Massacre, Joel Gion, completely steals the movie. He needs to be famous. I want to make t-shirts and signs that say "Joel Gion For Famous 2004" I want to be him for Halloween. Anyway, he is now a very popular topic of discussion among my female friends who saw the movie. Dig! opens at the Sunshine on Friday and also somewhere in LA.

It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin

Or else it gets the hose again. (thanks to Brian for the link)

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Ringtones

I have to make a list of new, original ringtones (can be any sound). I have a pretty good list, but if anyone has ideas and feels generous, email or IM me!

the little blue pill

On days when there wasn't a new Daily Show the night before, I watch American Morning on CNN while getting ready for work. So I see this Viagra commercial constantly. This morning while listening to it, I thought of an alternate version: (footage of freaky guy going through the trash) (voice-over): "Remember that guy who used to loiter in the woods behind your middle school..." (footage of same guy, wild-eyed, peeping in a window) "The guy the principal caught looking in the window of the girl's locker room..." (footage of guy being led away by police) "The guy who couldn't resist a little mischief? Well, that guy's back!" (Viagra logo)

(Alternately, the guy could be a frat-boy date rapist who was off his game until he discovered Viagra.)

I'm Not Saying I'm So Cool Or Anything, But Geez...

From the ad-zine "Virgin Mobile User" that just appeared on my desk for no apparent reason:

"The 10 Best Bands You've Never Heard Of:

1. The Decembrists (sic)
2. The Datsuns
3. The Streets
4. The New Pornographers
5. Les Savy Fav
6. StellaStar (sic)
7. The Shins
8. The Real Tuesday Weld
9. Ben Kweller
10. The Fiery Furnaces"

Greatly Exaggerated Reports

In the words of the man himself:

"I don't consider "man quits blog" to be breaking news. (fourth item down)

(Criticizing The Times for covering his resignation from a blog that got famous criticizing The Times. My head just exploded.)

Wow.

They have women sex offenders now, and they're really really scary.

At least one person hopes

At least one person hopes Kerry doesn't win.

You Got Away, Didn't You Babe

You just turned your back on the crowd...

(More RIP TMFTML tomorrow, I'm kinda sad now and it's geeky. Not that that ever stopped me...)

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Out of Dodge

A post about my weekend in Vermont, senior class yearbook friend-ad style:

Colrain Road. "I'm the President!" "Clear, asshole!" I got my jug. Bats. Shooting stars. Pranking Whatevs. Pranking The Fever. Girl-on-girl action. Never have I ever. Birthday cake bra. Sparklers. Massages. Ian's gun. champagne. Kitten heels. Eye makeup for everyone. Special brownies. Best Weekend Ever.

So, I went to Vermont after not leaving the city for six months, and it was awesome. Highlights included:
- Getting my first-ever massage, at a nearby spa. I was anxious at first but aside from a little giggling (my back is ticklish) it went well.
- Endless Truth or Dare.
- The effing STARS. Zillions of them. Shooting around like crazy.
- Finding a flea market, where I bought a box of a hundred of turn-of-the-century photographs for $10.
- Being "stuck" with people. The whole weekend, I kept thinking that what we experienced in VT could never happen in the city, because everyone here always has somewhere else to be and five different plans for any one night. We were stuck together so we had to make our own fun, which apparently consisted of playing games suitable to 17 year olds and prank calling rock bands and bloggers on camera. Huge thanks to everyone, especially our lovely hostess Jen Carlson for the best time I've had in I don't know how long. If you have the chance, arrange to be STUCK for a weekend with a bunch of people you don't know (and some you do). It's like a year of therapy in one weekend, for serious!

So Long, Suckers!

I am leaving the city for the first time in six months, unplugging myself from the mother-grid and heading up to Vermont with omg I just realized a bunch of effing bloggers. I'll have to be careful not to pass out or else they might put up pictures of balls on my face or whatever.

(Have a lovely weekend and come back here on Monday, where I hope to have pictures of balls on Jessica Coen's face.)

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2% More Erotic Than Furniture Porn

Hypothetical Cocktail Party:

Q: "So, what do you do?"
A: "I sew orifices into stuffed animals and take pictures of their simulated sex acts."

This reminds me of this time when I was 12 or so, and I was playing Barbies with three or four friends, and one of them held up a naked Barbie and a naked Ken and put them together and loudly asked "Does it make any of you guys feel weird when you do this?" and the rest of us were totally scandalized that she said that out loud and made her stop.

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File With Grape-Stomping

Ah, accidental sight gags are the best, aren't they?

Kobe Killed the Thong?

When Scott Peterson killed his wife, I'm sure he never intended to change the world of fashion. "Slutwear" is apparently out, because:

"Harsh media attention surrounding cases such as the murder of Lacey Peterson and the sexual assault accusations, now dropped, against basketball's Kobe Bryant "highlighted the dark side of lots of our sexuality," he added."

(Or, you know, maybe it's because women don't want their minis flying up in hurricanes. Or they're in mourning about the war in Iraq. Or maybe it's just mostly irrelevant and arbitrary and superficial, and that's why it's called fashion. One of those.)

"I buy book. No laid yet. What wrong?"

It's the little details that make this Amazon listing for a book called How To Date White Women so perfect.

It's Cause Everyone Gets the Same Number, See?

Back when I was just a pint-sized little dork growing up in Tallahassee, Florida, I used to love to play this little brain-teaser-slash-math-joke on my friends. (It doesn't take 4 minutes unless you're a total idiot.)

Imagine the Ambassador As Having Borat's Accent

This is the funniest thing I've read in the New Yorker in months. Funnier than 90% of Shouts and Murmurs. My favorite part is when he concedes that Disco Dancing and Table Tennis are actually popular.

Talk To Me Party!

This is the kind of thing that I go completely NUTS over. This girl named Liz and this guy named Bill go around with a sign that says "Talk To Me," and they just wait for strangers to come up and talk to them. I first heard about them on this episode of This American Life.

Then, a couple months ago, I was leaving my office on 57th street when I saw them sitting there with their sign. I ran up and talked to them, and signed their guestbook with my email address. So just now I got an invite to their next Talk To Me party for people who have come up and talked to them. Apparently, over 700 people went to the last one! I love this. Anyways, info:
Talk To Me Party
Saturday, Oct. 2nd
1pm
Bryant Park
And
this is their website.

Victoria Gotti has a reality show and these people don't?

random stuff

* Stereogum has a 30-second clip of Britney's cover of Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative." Take a long listen - it contains the biggest word Britney will ever say.

* I've read this three times, and I still have no idea what he's talking about.

Uh, sorry about the rant.

Uh, sorry about the rant. (A distinguished older gentleman of my acquaintance just suggested that I may have "caught old" from him.) Anyways, here are some funny switch ad parodies.

I Just Want To Turn You Down

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Not going to these things is the new going to these things. You couldn't pay me a million bucks to be trapped in a crowd of hipsters jockeying for free Red Stripes. Those kind of "open bar" events are like what they say about marrying for money: you end up earning it.

I do not wait in lines. Ever. And neither should you. What is this, the effing meatpacking district? Have some dignity. The same people who wouldn't be caught dead standing behind ropes to get into a cheesy club are doing just that just to hear some one-trick Real World soundtrack novelty band spin songs we all have on our ipods anyway. I don't know about you, but I have interesting friends for reason -so I don't have to go to things like this. Clever conversation is the new disaffected head-nodding. Pass it on.

Hiatus

I'll be back on Monday.

Please Please Stop. Just Stop.

It's good to know that if anything happens to Victoria and Donatella, their replacement is waiting in the wings.

Wow

This is way too funny for the New York Times.

(No wonder, it's by DNasty!)

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This Is Awesome

* The XXX Bible. The site also links to an online store, where you can buy panties that say "Jesus Loves My Ass."

I'm Gonna Be That Stoned Chick

I'm going to be one of the "actors" in Ben Cewebrity's apple switch ad parodies He needs more, though! He has a kickass camera and editing stuff and all that. And I'm doing it. And so is Jessica Coen. Maybe if you do a good job, Ben will do his dance to "Coin Operated Boy" by the Dresden Dolls that makes me do red wine spit takes all over everyone's ironic tees. Happy weekend everyone!

Wow.

Liz Smith praises Whitney Pastorek in her column today. Whoa. That is so big time!

You Wouldn't Dare

This is old, but I just saw it (on Thighs Wide Shut) and the first thing I thought was an Oniony version: "Boyfriend Threatened With Condom Requirement"

Lukewarm Content For Your Sexy Bod

* Yo it's my main man Scott Stereogum doesing today's Gothamist interview. Booyakasha! (I wish that they had asked the "what defunct New York institution do you wish would come back" question when I did my interview, 'cause I would have invoked the legend of Kokie's Place in Williamsburg.)

* I just saw John McCain on the street outside my office. That's all.

* Yumm - Cewebrity inks deal with Palm Pictures for swanky dinner for ten bloggers and a screening of the hott new flick, "Dig," about the Dandy Warhols and The Brian Jonestown Massacre. Publicists, please take note of this precedent. Will blog for food (and drinks!)

* I signed
the votergasm pledge. It's pretty easy, I mean, who's not voting this year? Also, there's a Votergasm party Saturday night at Piano's upstairs from 8-10.

* The following has nothing to do with my job: If you're not watching RENO 911!, you're seriously missing out. It's almost as good as The Office! (and I actually got that tagline approved to use on the CC site.) It's one of those shows that takes a little getting into (much like The Office) but once you're hooked, you're hooked. Lots of clips here.

* Congrats to my favorite ex and his band, The Information for being selected to play a CMJ showcase next month. Details tba, but I'll be in the front row lip syncing to every song like an 18 year old emo chick.

VMA Gossip

At the sushi buffet in the backstage lounge, a woman bet Will Smith $1 that he couldn't eat a large chunk of wasabi.

My spies tell me that woman was none other than my friend Whitney Pastorek (okay, my spy is Whitney) More gossip:
whitney: also, David Lee Roth called me a slut, and Wayne Coyne, who was standing next to him, said, "My god, did David Lee Roth call you a slut??"
lindsayism1: wow!!
lindsayism1: omg
lindsayism1: I would have jumped wayne
lindsayism1: I want him to call me a slut all night long, if you get my meaning.
whitney: his wife was right there. or I would have.

There you have it. The most interesting thing I've heard about this year's VMAs.

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My Other Suggestion Was "Helmsfire and Blogstone"

This just in: The Daily Show's Ed Helms Blogs the RNC!

(The name of the blog is "Go To Helms", and I named it so go there and like it. Also check out the funny content my coworker Julie wrote for the Indecision site!)

No Fair! I'm Telling!

Okay, scroll down to the highlighted part of this. Now, look at this. McSweeney's, you suck.