Lindsayism.com

Spotlight

This week I'm writing the Comedy Central Spotlight Newsletter. If you have a comedy/humor related event taking place after September 8, and you would like me to list it, send it to me at Spotlight@comedycentral.com. (If you want to get the monthly newsletter, you can follow the link above to sign up.)

Help Stella!

(from the Stella/State/Wet Hot mailing list): Stella is shooting a TV pilot for Comedy Central during the month of September, and we're looking for an APARTMENT to shoot in...

We'd need to be in there approximately sept 9-26

It needs to be a large space, not superduper fancy.

1st or 2nd floor is a plus.

We'll PAY for it!

if you can help us out, email helpstella@mac.com - you can even send
photos if you like.

Chapter Five, In Which I Watch More TV

Last night I took it easy and stayed in and watched an HBO documentary on cancer. I learned a lot. Things I learned: * There is a cancer foundation called "Y Me." * There is another cancer foundation called "Us Too." * Tiramisu is not the best thing to be eating during the colonoscopy segment. * There was a very informative segment on pediatric leukemia. From this segment I learned an important lesson: Never have kids. * There was this one really funny part where an older African American patient has to drink barium before an x-ray. She takes a sip of the barium and her friend says "Does it taste like milk?" and the patient makes a face, swallows, and says "No, it tastes like...nasty."

Anyways, this documentary is currently available on HBO on demand. It's really good.

Comedy Benefit Tonight

David Cross, Eugene "Oh yeah I forgot to review his CD it totally rocks five stars A+++" Mirman, and others are performing tonight at a benefit for the West Memphis Three, at UCB.

Invitation To the Last Dance

Sign the petition to declare "GBV DAYS" in every city on Guided By Voices' last tour.

I love Guided By Voices, but I haven't seen them in a couple years. My Spring of 2000 was a flurry of GBV shows. In the weeks before I moved here I saw them in Tallahassee, Austin, Orlando, Asheville, Richmond, and then New York (on my second day in New York). My friend Brian who drove up with me is friends with the band and has filled in on drums for them. I went to the New York show at CBGB alone, which rocked (I really miss going to shows alone).

At the end of the show, Nate, recognizing me as Brian's friend, leaned down and said "You're coming backstage, right?", and these young girls who had been standing next to me screaming the whole show were like "What did he say to you? What did he say?" so I let them tag along. It was a nice welcome to a strange new city. A week later I would see Death Cab at Brownie's and end up hanging out with them at a diner after the show because I made friends with their merch guy. (Was I a groupie or what? It's embarassing.) I have a record of all this because I carried a minicassette recorder with me at all times back then. I always forget about it, but I really should go back and listen to it because I have about ten minutes of Ben Gibbard talking about We Have the Facts... being a concept album. Anyways, I seem to have forgotten that this isn't a real diary. Sign the GBV petition!

.

She's Back!

Scott Stereogum just delivered breaking news: White Ladders, aka "Julian's girlfriend" is back...sort of.

When Little Girls Never Grow Up

I used to do this to my dog and cat, but, you know, I was eight.

VMA-zingly dull

And the award for excellence in making me fall asleep goes to...the 2004 VMAs! Good thing I watched with witty friends. I actually set out a notebook and pen for the recording of snarky comments (but I left it at home.) I'll leave it up to the aformentioned to provide wrap-ups. I did enjoy Wayne Coyne and the 'Spree, though, and it warmed my heart to learn, via text message, that Sarah finally met her personal little mascots, The Olsens.

Highlights For Adult Children

Sean Weitner at Flak sent this link with the subject line "there is exactly ONE funny thing at the following URL" Can you find it?

Band-Aid Blog Blair Busted

Four people have sent me the link to what may or may not be Julian Casablancas' secret girlfriend's secret weblog, in order to point out her description of the Killers show last week:

I said:
"Saw the Killers last night. Good times, though I had to laugh when people screamed requests. Like, dudes, they have ten songs and they're gonna play them all, ok?"

"Christina" said:
"Good times, though I laughed when people screamed requests. Like, dudes, they have like twelve songs and they're gonna play them all, ok?"

Her Libertines wrap up is eerily similar to Ultragrrrl's, too.

The site is supposedly done by an intern at Wiz Kid Management. I haven't read the whole thing yet, and Sarah thinks it's fake. Anyone have the scoop on this? Is it a parody? If so, it's really well done. My favorite post, addressed to Julian:

Pretend you're not fucking me, pretend you didn't fall in love with me, I DON'T CARE!! Make it look like you're settling down and going for the safe bet; pretend you feel better about youself. I'll still be around. I'll still let you bang the shit out of me every day of the week, then you can think about how fucked up you are and hate yourself for what you're doing! You're using me, I'm using you.

(Wow. I hope it's real, 'cause I'm such a voyeur. I'm going to read the whole site, trussst)

ADDENDUM: I sent the link to Gawker and the Post, so I guess we'll find out soon if the site is real. (I'm too lazy to solve mysteries - I wish Gawker and the Post could find out who stole my wallet a few months ago!)

sick

Back tomorrow.

OMGOMGOMG

Paul from The Wonder Years is totally a lawyer now!

(link via TWS)

Breaking My Back Just To Know Your Name

I'm on pills for my back so I'm not thinking clearly enough to even blog today. Back tomorrow, I hope.

And His Mother Dresses Him Funny

Wow, they sure were mean to Choire in the YPR roast today. Not! (May I submit this tip: all you really need to do to roast a blogger is post any picture taken by Jake Dobkin.)

Comedy News, La La La

- I threw my back out this morning (no kidding) so until the nice doctor gives me painkillers I'm totally walking like Debbie after she did Dallas, but I'm going to try REALLY HARD to make it to Get Up, Stand Up at Flat tonight.

- I have reserved 10 seats for the 8pm show of Sixteen Candles Live starring the State/Wet Hot/UCB kids!
(cut-and-pasted straight from the email):

Come see Showalter, Wain, Black and many of your favorite other folks
from SNL and UCB at a free taping of SOUNDTRACKS LIVE for VH1! Here's
all the info:

It's a live version of "Sixteen Candles" with songs performed by
surprise guests, and of course the incredible Soundtracks Live band.

Under the direction of Amy Poehler and Amy Miles

When:
Thursday, September 9th
TWO LIVE SHOWS:
8pm – You MUST be in line no later than 7:15 PM
10pm - You MUST be in line no later than 9:15 PM

Where:
The Gerald W. Lynch Theater at John Jay College
899 10th Avenue, between 58th and 59th Streets
New York, NY 10019

How:
Go to www.classicentertainmentgroupinc.com/tickets.htm to reserve your
tickets today!

Here is how you get on the list as a guest:

1. Go to the web page and follow the instructions. Leave your FULL NAME
and phone # (phone # is for emergency use only) We will confirm your
addition to the guest list by E-mail.

2. Leave the # of guests that you would like to bring.
Example: Jake Ryan + 4 – I would like to come to the 8PM show.
My e-mail address is: verycuteguyfrom80sflick@aol.com

NOTE: It is VERY important that if you say that you are bringing 4
guests that you bring them!
We are anticipating VERY big response to this - but will only over book
slightly. If you do not bring the # of guests that you say you are
bringing – there will be empty seats – and broken hearts (remember how
sad Samantha was when her family forgot her birthday?)

3. The night of the show – come at the requested call time, and find the
line that starts w/ the first letter of your LAST name (your guests
should come with you to your line).

EXAMPLE: If your name is Long Duck Dong, go to the first line that has a
sign with A-E. Sign in with the line leader - your name will be on the
list. Wait patiently in line – and enjoy the festivities going on
before you enter the theater! It’s gonna be 80’s fabulous – so come
ready to have a GREAT time!

Come see Sixteen Candles as you never have before!

DL Will Speak

I'm exited to participate in this.

The South Bronx Has a New Tool

Either Williamsburg is not dead, or it died with Kokie's Place, but it definitely has nothing to do with this dude who still brags about parties he had five years ago. This is truly the worst article I've ever read in the Times. It actually contains the line "A spoonful of party helps the squalor go down." I'm sorry, I must repeat that:

"A SPOONFUL OF PARTY HELPS THE SQUALOR GO DOWN."

I was going to put more awful quotes from that article here but then I realized the ENTIRE thing is equally horrifying. I want to go get a print copy of Saturday's paper just to throw up on it. Michael Brick, whoever you are, please go back to writing about the Upper East Side or some other place nobody cares about. Stay in your place and stop declaring neighborhoods to be dead by interviewing completely unrepresentative pathetic losers. Thank you.

Yay For Free Stuff

A publicity company just sent me an advanced copy of Eugene Mirman's new comedy CD, "The Absurd Nightclub Comedy of Eugene Mirman." I'm taking it home now, and I'll "review"* it on Monday.

* I don't think it counts as a "review" when I already know it's going to ROCK.

How An Attachment Becomes A Link

Yesterday Eric Gillin sent me a funny mp3 called "New York Is So Cool." I googled it and found out it's been playing on that LA indie radio station constantly, but I couldn't find it online, so I sent it to my friend Scott-who-has-more-bandwidth-than-me and he put it up. So now I can link to it here. Listen to it. It's really funny.

(Wow. Behind the Blogging is never going to be a show on VH1, is it? Damn...)

Oh yeah, and the funniest part of the song for me is, I actually HAVE seen a guy from Jackass at Welcome to the Johnsons!

This Is the First and Last Post of the Day

Saw the Killers last night. Good times, though I had to laugh when people screamed requests. Like, dudes, they have ten songs and they're gonna play them all, ok? Also, I realized something: no matter how much I love a band, I've never once been enthusiastic about the encore. The whole charade is so silly and fake! It's like a bad codependent relationship - they pretend to leave until you beg for them back. I'm sorry, but I'm not playing your silly games anymore, bands of the world! From now on, I'm out the door as soon as the "last song" is over, like those old people who leave the movie theater as soon as it's clear that the guy is gonna get the girl or the world is gonna be saved, just so they can get out of the parking lot sooner, except for totally different and much more punk rock reasons. I'm just saying, if I was in a band, I would NEVER play encores. That is all.

Bring It Back Down Tonight

I just came into two extra Killers tickets for their show at the Bowery Ballroom tonight. First email gets 'em, at cost ($17 each.)

I French Great, Too

Me: Michael Showalter is less than six feet away from me right now.
Peabs: Say: "I want you inside me."
Me: I wish I had the balls! That would be the funniest thing EVER.

Gawker: A New Beginning

Congrats to Miss Jessica on her first day at Gawker!

The Blackout Party

It misted, it sprinkled, it drizzled, but we partied like it was 2003 anyway. Pictures from my Blackout Party (there are more here. All photos by Ben Chappel except the last one.)

Ben (aka "Gothy the Clown") and me in my "hooker wig"

Sarah!

Eric Gillin helps Azriel Abyss with his makeup.

The Birthday Girl, Stephanie Tillman (on a rock in the East River last month, since she evaded the paparazzi at the party.)

I'm going to make this an annual tradition. Thanks to everyone who came!

Weird Underwear of the Week

Backless Undies

How do you walk in those? It seems like you would constantly feel like your pants were falling down.

*

The Polyphonic Spree: Most Unlikely Terrorists Ever

"I don't want to over-dramatize the situation," Teasley stated, "but there were two or three minutes when I thought I was going to be in Guantanamo Bay with the Abu Ghraib people holding a thumbs up while pointing to my penis."

(thanks to
Sean for the link.)

Listeners Like Me

Today Gawker interviews funny singer/songwriter Jonathan Coulton

At the most recent Little Gray Books Lecture, I did a Brooklyn Lager spit-take and was reduced to uncontrollable giggles when Coulton sang his genius song "Dance, Soterios Johnson, Dance." It's one of the funniest songs I've ever heard. But the only way you'll get it is if you're a NPR listener in New York, because Soterios Johnson reads the news every weekday morning for WNYC. And he reads it very seriously. And the song is about Soterios' secret double life as a raver:

Go, Soterios Johnson go
All the club kids are watching
your glowstick glow
with the light of truth you can't hide
that the news is the news but
the dance goes on forever...

It's totally brilliant. You can download it at
JonathanCoulton.com

.

And She's The "Blonde" One!

It looks like the Boston subway, and her neck seems too short, but it's still funny to think this is a picture of Ashley's you-know-what. (Not really safe for work, I suppose.)

(This just in! Olsen expert Ultrabest points out that in that picture, BOTH GIRLS ARE MARY-KATE!)

I Love 1997

According to Friendster, the most popular search in my network is "How To Dress Emo":

"Tight, fadded (sic) shirts with random slogans. It should look like it could have been bought at a thrift store but you didn't (but you really did)."

the way we were

I was going to post about Six Feet Under but Cityrag did it better. I thought the whole "Claire has never had an orgasm" thing was really unbelievable, but I guess the Fisher showers are not equipped with these. Conversation between me and my mom when I was in high school: Me (faux-casually): So, Mom, I couldn't help but notice that the shower is different. Mom: Yeah, I threw away that detachable one and got a regular one. It was always falling off the wall. Me: Oh, really? So it's, like, totally thrown away? Mom: It's down by the street. Me: Well, we shouldn't throw it away-away, I mean it's really good for, like, cleaning the tub. Mom: (looks at me suspiciously) Me: Anyways, bye!

Hi My Name Is Lindsay And I'm This Many Years Old

I won't ruin the joke, but it's safe for work. I can't stop giggling.

I Want A Vodka On the Rocks and I Want the Rocks Made Out of Pills

Last night I got this Highdea for a mosaic made out of colorful pills. Not as real art or anything (I assumed it had been done by real artists), just for my wall (I also had this funny vision of having friends over and deciding to rip Vikes off it, but who am I kidding: the thing would have been all OTC). This morning I told my cultural consultant and he, of course, directed me to this. Kinda cool.

RIP Fay Wray

1907 - 2004

Remember....

Also, now it's officially a costume party. The only reason for this is I just got this really hot long blonde wig and I really want an excuse to wear it. So, like, wear a costume or don't but don't make fun of me for playing dress up!

Yaysville!

Blind Item: What hysterically funny blonde bombshell powerhouse and new New Yorker will soon be editing the web's most prestigious 'blog?

Oh. Wait. I overslept and Choire already announced it. Damn. (And now I'm too hungover to think of a more clever way of saying "I've known for weeks! nah nah nah")

CONGRATULATIONS Jess! ! Yaysville has many new residents today (though we'll miss Choire, of course) And a tip for bloggers seeking Gawker blessings - three words: Drugs. For. Links. You heard it here first.

Blogxibitionism

Today is the 30th birthday of Mark Whatevs! I propose that everyone who knows Mark send him an e card featuring a topless photo of yourself. I walk the walk too: lindsayism1: jess do you have photoshop? jessicann226: i do! lindsayism1: I have the strangest request EVER jessicann226: i don't know how to use it very well, be warned, but request away jessicann226: if it has anything to do with your naked pics, i'll TOTALLY help lindsayism1: if I send you that titty pic from the other day, can you resize it and send it back? jessicann226: omg jessicann226: i was kidding and i was right! jessicann226: sdlkigjfadsklg jessicann226: of COURSE jessicann226: LOL jessicann226: i am cracking up lindsayism1: I'm making an e-card for grambo to prove I'm his craziest friend. lindsayism1: no sharing with krucoff

The end. Now I can never make Mark mad at me - it's the gift that keeps on giving!

"Recess Is Over!"

* Brian "i keep a diary" Battjer's Sex Advice From the Unemployed.

* Last night I watched All American Girl: The Mary Kay LeTourneau Story on Lifetime with my friends Amanda and Concha y Toro Cabernet. I highly recommend it. It's really melodramatic and disturbing because it treats the whole thing like a Romeo and Juliet story and it has a lot of really funny lines like "Recess is over!" and "I'm making your baby!" Seriously: funny movie.

So I shared this with Julie the Coworker, and she discovered Mary Kay LeTourneau.com, her official website! It features:

- Statutory Rape: A Love Story (artwork by Vili, Mary Kay's victim or "twin flame", depending on your view)

- Mary Kay's Manifesto

(MKT was released from prison yesterday. The title her website gives to this news is "She's Ba-ack" Poltergeist reference = nice touch! )

Gender Ambiguity Week On Gawker Personals

I can only determine the gender of two of these four personal ads.

Definitive Proof That I Will Like Anything If It's Free

Thanks to some cleaning up in our department, I'm now the owner of:

1 pair of South Park silk boxer shorts with show graphics and the words "Oh my god they killed Kenny!"

1 South Park "breakfast set" - bowl, mug, and espresso shot glass.

1 hat with Cartman on it.

1 pair of Cartman socks.

1 South Park wallet.

1 tshirt featuring the chef saying "I'm Gonna Make Love To You Woman!"

I think most of it I'll mail to my 15 year old brother, but I'm keeping the boxers to sleep in and the socks because you can never have enough socks.

Most Depressing Thing Ever.

You know those back pillow things with arms that you sit in front of to watch TV in your suburban rec room? I think they're officially called "husbands" but it's always really creeped me out when people call them that. Anyways:

The boyfriend arm pillow.

(For $49 more, you can get it equipped with an optional feature that pokes you in the back of the thigh with a vibrator at the exact moment you reach REM sleep.)

(link via Sean)

Worse Than Marry Blaire

Presenting: everything I hate about New York women.

(Though I'm not complaining, since it's everything everyone hates about NY women. It sort of, um, works out well for the rest of us.)

One Bonus: Cheaper To Sell On Ebay

Wait, so, um, you're expecting it to be an issue to just go without underwear, so you put this little patch in your pants? I don't get it, but either way, it's pretty gross.

Meet Me In the Bathroom, That's What She Said

I'm writing an article about the best bar bathrooms to hook up in in New York (downtown, natch). Do you know of a particularly good one? Email it to lindsay(at)lindsayism.com.

(and also there is a pretty picture I took)

* Now I can proudly say: "I'm not a wino, I'm a 'why, yes!'" (Also, isn't this study flawed due to nondrinking, mentally challenged Baptists and Mormons, etc?)
(link via Hurricane TMFTML.)

* Slate's Surfergirl Dana Stevens investigates the feud between Ted Koppel and Jon Stewart at the Democratic Convention.

* This real-life disappearance-at-sea story is so much more fascinating than any fictionalized movie could be. I would like to see it investigated by Jon Krakauer (Into the Wild is one of my favorite books ever, and this story seems similar.)