Lindsayism.com

A Story I Was Advised Not To Share

So yesterday for the first time ever, I Googled my first name.

As you can see, I'm the seventh result, right after Lohan. But when I first Googled yesterday, I was sixth and Lohan was below me. I announced to my coworker, Shaw that I was sixth, and he did a search to see if I was lying. He pointed out that I was seventh. I looked at my screen. It still said sixth. So I refreshed, and voila! Lindsay Lohan and I switched places!

What I'm trying to say here is that that is really really weird.

I Wanna Asobi Seksu Up

Tonight I'm seeing Asobi Seksu at Mercury Lounge. Stalk me.

NSFW! (Or, Um, You Know, SO I HEAR)

Gina Lee Nolin "sex" tape. (link removed because they took it down)

My, what freakishly hard, five miles apart, completely fake-looking (and fake-being) boobies you have Gina! (And yes, your "clitter" is sort of sticking out.)

Just a tip - when the guy says "I'm gonna make MILLIONS" it's probably time to destroy the tape.

And Adam Brody's Kinda Blows

Comedy Central has all of the Declare Yourself! PSAs. Naturally, David Cross's is the funniest.

Save the Date

(If I've ever met you in person, you're invited. Email me or check my Friendster bulletin board for address info. when it gets closer. Also - this is why I want a radio broadcast from that night. If anyone works at a radio station and wants to sneak it to me, email!)

What Sounds Like Sarcasm But Isn't?

I just actually said (on IM) to someone:

"Yaysville, Population Me!"

Just Couldn't Wait

I just found an empty LEVITRA packet on the floor of the elevator in my office building. (For those of you with effective spam filters, it's like Viagra.)

Blogger Scandals!!

Big gossip in the blogosphere today:

Scott Lapatine Caught With Prostitutes

TMFTML Arrested In Crack Bust

Okay, so it's just the new Indecision 2004 Scandal Generator, also my first CC byline. I wrote Crack, Kickbacks, and Prostitutes, and my very-much-missed-because-she's-at-the-convention coworker Julie Pietrangelo wrote Tax Evasion, Intern, and Military Service. (And I even slipped a Mr. Show reference into one of 'em.)

Scott and TMF, I'm sorry if your Grandmas google you...

Scene of the Crime

So I went to that comedy show at Flat last night and whoa, it was crazy. Some drunk lady (I say lady because she was old) was heckling the performers so badly that they couldn't even get one joke in. They, particularly Eugene Mirman, tried to be good sports about it but it got totally out of hand. So Matt Besser stepped up to the plate and took one for the team during his set, screaming (I mean screaming) "You're a fucking bitch!" until she got up to leave, and then he totally followed her all the way out the door screaming at her. It was like, so Kaufmanesque. I mean, I think.

Once she was gone, things were better. Todd Levin was particularly funny, but after his set I made my Personal Best Worst Faux Pas Ever:
Todd: So do you still want to meet Bob?
Me: You didn't bomb at all!
Todd: I asked if you wanted to meet Bob.
Me: oh. I thought you said "So did you see me bomb."
(So. Yeah. Oops. Thank god no actual bombing was involved.)

So then I went and drank red wine out of the bottle at a rooftop party with nice people who kept giving me sweet, beautiful vicodin. They are friends indeed. On the way home I ran into Todd Barry and Erin and Tina from work and we ate pizza and then I went home and dreamed about plane crash sex with Jimmy Fallon. Comedy is fun. The End.

Good Comedy Tonight

MONDAY, JULY 26th GET UP STAND-UP! At The Flat 16 1st Ave (btwn 1st / 2nd) F Train to 2nd Ave, get out at the 1st Ave. entrance 8:30pm - $5.00

WITH YOUR HOST:
Liam McEneaney

* Matt Besser (founding member - Upright Citizens' Brigade, creator/writer/star - Comedy Central's "Crossballs")
* Todd Levin (writer, The Modern Humorist, McSweeney's)
* Eugene Mirman (Premium Blend, Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien)
* Bob Powers (www.girlsarepretty.com)
* Bryan Tucker (writer, Tough Crowd w/Colin Quinn, The Chris Rock Show)
* Victor Varnado (Premium Blend, and the movies "End of Days" and "Pluto Nash")

Take Me Out Tonight

So I've had kind of a weird week and next week will be worse. Enjoy the links to your right and your weekend and stuff!

Oh - if anyone knows anyone who works at a LOCAL RADIO STATION please email me. It's not because I have a band or anything, I want to purchase something from them for a party I'm throwing. Any local Tri-state area station will do. (But not Air America because they weren't around when the broadcast I need was aired.) Thanks!

The Only One Who Ever Knew Me At All

I don't usually link to Stereogum for the simple reason that I assume that if you're reading this site, you've already read everything he's had to say for the day, but I'd hate for anyone to miss the Postal Service's cover of "Against All Odds" you can download there today! (It starts out kinda whiny but gets better.) Thanks Scott!

Just Some, You Know, Like, Stuff or Whatever

* Google circa 1960.

* Low Culture's Matt Haber writes about Ana Marie Cox's new MTV gig.

* Welcome to New York (and the LES), Foxy Jess! Let's have a boy-kissing contest this weekend!

* Welcome to the 'sphere, Ben the BFF! (and designer of this site). Let's have a boy-kissing contest this weekend!

*Just read the plug. It always rocks!

*I thought of an Onion headline. "Scientists Finally Discover Food That Tastes As Good As Being Thin Feels."

*Also the other day I was watching this documentary about swingers on VH1 with my friend Stiff and got this totally brilliant idea: SPRAY-ON LUBE! You know, so it doesn't get all over the sheets! Or you don't wipe it in your boyfriend's hair and hope he doesn't notice but he does notice and gets mad like I did once! But apparently I'm outdated in my sex accessory consumerism, 'cause it's so totally already invented. Oh well. I'm sure I would have blown my Spray Lube Fortune on wine and weed anyway.

It's About Time

Ashley the wicked is throwing her first party in Boston on Thursday, and it should totally rock! (for one thing, Asobi Seksu is playing) If I didn't have such a crazy work week I would totally road trip it. Flyer here.

Just way too busy today.

Just way too busy today. Read my links! They're good links.

It's Alright, It's OK

There's a secret (name of band removed per venue's request) show at Rothko Sunday night at 8. Free beer and Bacardi until they run out. I'm so there.   Added: It's an awesome band from Texas with a really long name. I met the singer five minutes after I met Bill Clinton. (That last part isn't a clue, it's just me bragging.)

Yeah, That Was Me

Send your friend a call from Hilary Duff. (Thanks to Chris Ott for the link)

check it out

So this guy Zack Kahn emailed me about his website , which features prank calls and funny short movies. It's really funny. My favorites: American Beauty , and Celebrity Story Corner 

Comedy Central Uber Alles

One thing I do at my job at Comedy Central is write the Spotlight Newsletter, a monthly email full of comedy events happening around the world (but, I'll admit, mostly in New York and L.A.) I meant to put a link here yesterday so anyone who wanted to sign up for it could before it went out, but I forgot (and it went out this morning.) So, if you want me to forward it to you, email me at lindsay.robertson@comedycentral.com. And you can sign up for the next one here.

And while I'm plugging Comedy Central, I may as well point out a particularly hilarious Reno 911! clip we have up right now - Patton Oswalt is the Dungeon Master.

Not to be a total nerd for my job, but until I worked here I had no idea how much content was available on the site. There are new Daily Show clips every day, for example.

Also - if anyone wants me to plug their comedy show (or any funny event - this month's newsletter had everything from The Family Guy Live to Chuck Klosterman's book tour), don't be shy about emailing me!

Getting Good Marks

My friend Rodrigo Perez has a total exclusive on Elliott Smith's final album, to be released in October.

Also mentioned in the article is the upcoming moveon.org benefit cd to be put out by Barsuk records August 17, Future Soundtrack For America. Mcsweeney's will put out a book as well, called The Future Dictionary of America. New York Magazine has a preview of the book.

Future Soundtrack For America track listing:

OK Go - This Will Be Our Year
David Byrne - Ain't Got So Far To Go
Jimmy Eat World - Game of Pricks (BBC evening session)
Death Cab For Cutie - This Temporary Life
Blink-182 - I Miss You (James Guthrie mix)
Mike Doughty - Move On
Ben Kweller - Jerry Falwell Destroyed the Earth
Sleater-Kinney - Off With Your Head
R.E.M. - Final Straw (MoveOn mix)
Bright Eyes - Going for the Gold (live)
The Long Winters - The Commander Thinks Aloud (future mix)
will.i.am of The Black Eyed Peas - Money
They Might Be Giants - Tippecanoe And Tyler Too
Clem Snide - The Ballad of David Icke
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Date With the Night (live)
Fountains of Wayne - Everything's Ruined (acoustic)
Nada Surf - Your Legs Grow
The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (live on the BBC)
Old 97's - Northern Line
Laura Cantrell - Sam Stone
Tom Waits - Day After Tomorrow
Elliott Smith - A Distorted Reality Is Now A Necessity To Be Free

Coincidence?

This is funny and all.

But I liked it better the first time.

.

Easy Esoteric Halloween Costume!

Striking back at scam spammers. Greedy people are funny. (via hello angel)

What'd I Do?

Bush/Kerry sing-off. Funny.

I Hope You Blink Before I Do / And I Hope I Never Get Sober

Last summer, I went on an awesome road trip from New York to Seattle with my friend Christy. As we drove through Iowa on the day her divorce became final, we listened to The Mountain Goats' "No Children" on repeat 1. Best song ever. I don't relate to it at all, and that's what I love about it. download here.

If I Can Make It Through the Summer

Just in case anyone is interested in what I've been listening to lately, getting an iPOD has made me revisit some of my favorite albums that I lost in the fire or that were scratched from being owned by me. First in line: The Chamber Strings: Month of Sundays. It's such a great summer album. It takes me back to the summer of 2001 (I'm not going to say the cheesy thing on the tip of my tongue about that summer. You know.), when I spent a weekend painting my bedroom bright red and listening to this on repeat. Anyways, it's good.

(Also, the song "July, July" by the Decemberists. Because it's a great song, and because it's July.)

Mash It Up With Peaches Or Something

I just got my very first iPOD (awwww.) So I was wandering around the internet looking for mp3s and somehow stumbled on The Bible, in mp3 format.

And it's free! Imagine, now you can stroll the merry streets of Chelsea while listening to Leviticus, or treat yourself to stories of fornicator-stoning while wobbling home on your next Walk of Shame!

And She Had Five Chins

"This one time when I was little we went to the beach and Britney Spears was there with her first husband and we got to bury them in the sand. Seriously! We did! I'm not lying, guys. Can I sit at the popular table now? Please? Guys?" (link via stereogum)

"CBS Sunday Morning" Scoops Entire Rest of Television

Yesterday, several readers wrote to tell me that a screenshot of this site had been used on yesterday's broadcast of "CBS Sunday Morning," in order to illustrate that the Oxford Concise Dictionary had added the word "blogosphere" (along with "flash mob" and "metrosexual." Ahhh, Spring of 2003)

Unbelievably, my new best friend Mr. Thighs Wide Shut actually TIVO'd the show and posted a clip!

Nick: What Went Wrong?

A friend and I were just talking about the movie "It's A Wonderful Life", a movie I've been obsessed with since I was little. In high school, I wanted to start a band called "ZuZu's Petals". (This was long before there actually was a band called "Zuzu's Petals.") So anyway, the conversation jogged my memory of my favorite McSweeney's piece of all time, "Nick: What Went Wrong", by Stuart Wade So, without further adieu:

My favorite McSweeney's piece of all time: "Nick: What Went Wrong", by Stuart Wade

(And Stuart, if you're out there googling yourself 4 years later: brilliant!)

John Green!

My pal John Green is one of Chicago's "Fabulous 20-somethings." I like John because he collects Famous Last Words. In his head. How cool is that?

Who Are The Ad Wizards...

A reader sent in another one (with the comment "If he's going back, maybe I should go too)!

Why is their tone so SCARY? And is that guy supposed to be thinking about his time in prison? And do they really have the authority to send someone back to prison just for lying on their online dating application? And lots of people have served time in prison but are not FELONS. So many things wrong. Argh!

I Have, However, "Done the Jew"

The Times on Christian Rock Festival Commerce.

Back when I was a "Hardcore Christian" teen, attending anti-abortion rallies with my youth group and carefully studying arguments against the "theory" of evolution, I totally had one of those "Abortion Stops A Beating Heart" tshirts. (Now my favorite Onion headline ever is "Abortion Stops A Beating." Ah, how things change.) I can't believe I missed this article, since there is nothing more interesting to me than Christian culture (but then, after the impromptu party at my house Sunday night I didn't get out of bed until 5 on Monday). My favorite quote from the article:

Tim Landis, 48, who started the festival and still produces it, said he was sometimes dismayed by some of the T-shirts that offered cute puns on advertising logos. "On the other hand," he said, "some people find that meaningful. It's easy to be elitist and look down on the shirts as gaudy or tacky."

Yes, Tim. It is.

I still want to get my hands on my dad's Promise Keepers tshirt. Unfortunately, he's wise to why I want it. Oh well.

Also My Boobs Are Real, And My Dad Has No Criminal Record

Dear Lindsay: Holla!! I'm Patty. Well, I'm one of your fans. I'm from Taiwan. I'm 14 years old. You are very pretty, I think everyone say that. I want to listen your songs in 'Drama Queen' movie. But... I don't know how. What should I do?? The truth is my English is not very good . Thanks you if you help me. If you don't , It's O.K. Because you are very busy. Anywaz~~Hope you happy everyday~~May peace be with you!! Sincerely, Patty

Dear Patty,

For a second there, I thought everyone say I'm pretty! Oh well. I think the Lindsay you're looking for lives here. I hope you find the songs you're looking for!

Love,
Lindsay (Robertson)

Weirdest Ad Ever

(Found by Flak's Clay Risen)

Okay. There are so many things wrong with this ad. First, as Clay pointed out, you don't even know what it's an advertisement for when you read "We prosecute married people." Secondly, is it really against the law to sign up for a singles dating service if you're married? What about those crazy "Open Marriages" all my Friendsters seem to be in? And thirdly, the model's face. It's funny. You can imagine the photographer saying "Okay, now make a face like you're worried that someone you meet on an internet dating site is married!"

Also, the scare-tactic advertising reminds me of the Mr. Show sketch where one local grocery store chain runs smear-campaign tv ads against their competitor, saying stuff like "Our stores are not constantly on fire," until the rival chain ends up going out of business.

I Wanna Have The Next One

Jon Stewart's wife totally had a baby boy, Nathan Thomas, this weekend.

A Bit of a Manifesto, Sorry

No, the comments are not coming back. Bloggers, join me! Free yourselves from the daily affirmation that, yes, many people on the internet are angry and bitter and jealous (oh yeah, I said it! what are you gonna do about it? You can't comment! Hahahahaha!) and above all, really effing stupid. Once again live in a happy dream world where you can imagine your audience to be just as smart and nice as you are!

I will miss some of the frequent funny commenters, but not as much as I won't miss the crazies. This site was never intended to be a public forum. If you don't like it, please navigate away and never come back. I don't sell ad space and I don't check my stats and I'm not reader-supported and I'm not performing a public service. This, like all personality-based weblogs, is about pure, unadulterated, almost innocent narcissism. If you want anything else, read the New York Effing Times.

(end tirade)

Yay times infinity plus one.

We've Got To Hold On To What We've Got

My weekend was fun. The funnest part was last night, when I set out to have a nice dinner at an Italian restaurant in Williamsburg with my friend Stephanie, and somehow we found ourselves, at 11 o'clock, sitting on a rock in the East River, soaked from head to toe, swilling red wine from the bottle, taking turns cuddling an orphaned baby duck and singing along as a 21 year old long-haired Equadoran named Eddie played "Livin' On a Prayer" on his guitar. I had been worrying that my days of turning ordinary nights into crazy memorable ones were over. Obviously not. Whew!

I busted my knee on a rock, though, so now I have to get a tetanus shot. Whatever, it was worth it. I miss Brooklyn!

Unintended Consequences

Hey Blaire?

You're welcome.

Breaking Comedy News!

My favorite comedian, Demetri Martin, now (finally) has his OWN WEBSITE! Looks like a lot of stuff is coming soon. The site must be really new, because I google Demetri all the time (I have to for my job. Seriously. Shut up, it's true!) and I just found it today. Rock.

A Movie...And A Book

The good people at Knopf sent me a review copy of this new novel A Movie...And A Book, by first-time author Daniel Wagner. It's tiny and I read it in one sitting in about an hour, and really enjoyed it. It has some faults - the ending leaves a lot to be desired and I'm not sure how well the screenplayish narrative works. But I found it worth reading, if only for a scene in which two characters stranded on a deserted island discuss a philosophy of life called "A Movie And A Book". Broken down, this philosophy consists of living in a dream world in which one imagines his or her life to have an audience. So when bad things happen, you see it the way the audience would see it and you're okay with it. It's more complicated than that (because that sounds like, uh, Britney's philosophy or something) but I think it's beautiful. But I am and have always been a total sucker for any book or movie that presents a way of looking at life, you know? Anyway, the book comes out July 13. I recommend it.