Lindsayism.com

And Kurt reads The Post

And Kurt reads The Post every morning...

Does anyone know how to

Does anyone know how to do that thing where you send a Friendster message to everyone in your Friendster account? I lost my outlook address book and I don't have anyone's addresses. If you know, email lindsay(at)lindsayism.com or aim lindsayism1, thanks!

"In a mere 130 years,

"In a mere 130 years, we have gone from hating the perfidious yankees to loving Courtney Love, and this seems to me a grand tragedy." From John Green's essay on Famous Last Words, at Knot Magazine.

Flak Magazine has the best

Flak Magazine has the best Spalding Gray obit I've read, by Chris Ott.

(MARCH 12 BIRTHDAY PARTY INFO.)

(MARCH 12 BIRTHDAY PARTY INFO.) (Please Note! I have not sent out an email about this party, so stop complaining that you weren't "officially" invited. Everyone is invited. Thank you.) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This Joke Isn't Funny Anymore,

This Joke Isn't Funny Anymore, and That "You Got Fooled" Email Was An Automatically Generated Thing I was going to do this whole post about the "crush test", and about what I "learned" about "my readership" and the whole "human race" from it, but then it got a little out of hand and I'm just way too tired to sift through the 170+ responses. So here are some facts: 1. So you took the test and you're mad at me. You must be a girl. Guess what? For the most part I didn't even read the girl's answers and even when I did I just skimmed them for shocking content (like the lone, solitary person who claims to never masturbate.) Like any normal person, I only read posts by people who might list me as their crush. Duh! 2. Nobody listed me as their crush, unless you count obvious joke-posts like "Julian Casablancas", who apparently cannot be turned on by anything that isn't me. As much as I'd like this to be true, the real joke is on me, isn't it? 'Cause when I first got this quiz thing the first thing I thought was "golly, there are people I shouldn't send it to because it might make things awkward, huh?" Yeah. Those people? Let's just say I had nothing to worry about! 3. I cannot stress this enough: I fell for the joke too. Here is what I said, and if you don't believe me you can ask my friend Nima. His aim is "illiadbook6" and he's the reason this whole thing happened. So, here's mine: First Crush: Jon Biggest Crush: Max Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Yes Boyfriend/girlfriend's Name: Max Current status of your relationship: I wanna marry him/her Ever had sex in your life? Yes Porn Sites/Movies: Yes How many times do you masturbate in a week? Less than 7 times. Are you attracted to an individual of the same sex? No Preferred Skin Complexion: dark What turns you on the most? penis* *ok, that was a joke because I wanted to trip up whatever system the "quiz" was using. If I'd been honest, I would have said "the guitar" 4. The vast majority of the girls said "eyes", the vast majority of the boys said "a**". Respective runners-up: "intelligence" and "breasts". 5. I'm so tired. So very, very tired. Don't be mad at me. I really don't care about your secrets, I promise. 6. oh yeah, and ps? Everyone, but everyone, but everyone, said yes to porn and wants to marry someone, apparently. You heard it here first. 7. pps: yesterday was really, really, really fun.

Hi, please don't click on

Hi, please don't click on the below link anymore. I'm sick of getting the emails and frankly, everyone who might have listed me as their crush has already weighed in. So let's just end it at...156, shall we? Read the comments. Don't click. Don't be mad. Thank you!

(For the love of god

(For the love of god people! It's a TRICK! Don't fall for it! All the answers get sent to me and I don't want them or care and I'm sick of the emails! Click at your own risk...) Crush Test: I took it and it's amazing. It really works. Must be based on some mathematical formula or something...

The Grossest Story Never Told

The Grossest Story Never Told I have this funny story. It's a total Larry David story, involving social awkwardness, perceived victimization, and a surprise ending. Unfortunately, it also has a gross-out element. I've tried to tell this story to several people, but every single time I get to the gross part, I start gagging uncontrollably and I can't finish it. I tried writing it in an email - same thing. I tried telling it cryptically, leaving out the key imagery that causes the nausea. No dice. This is hilarious to me, the fact that I have something I want to communicate but literally can't. I mean, what if it was really important? There's only one other person who knows the story, and the other day I was at her apartment and brought it up, mentioning that I would have to leave the room for the gross part or I "really would throw up. I'm serious guys." It was no use, though. As soon as she got to that part, I ran in the other room and covered my ears and hummed "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" but I could still imagine what she was saying and I ended up in her bathroom, barfing, like a stupid bulimic sorority girl (her friend who didn't believe me and kept yelling out the words didn't help, but I forgave him later.) This has always been the case with me. My boyfriend knows that he can cause me to hurl within 30 seconds of trying (he doesn't use his powers anymore, thank god). It's like a magic trick. There are several trigger words that do the trick every time. There are actually a lot of advantages to having one's higher and lower brain so connected (a superhuman ability to "think happy thoughts", for example), but not when it comes to gross things. I can't tell you how many times I've entered a room where Fear Factor is being shown, and had to run to the TV, eyes closed, yelling, fumbling to turn the channel before it's too late. And it's always too late. I've never watched that show on purpose, but they owe me a lot of dinners. Oh, and the story in question? It's not even that gross by most people's standards. I'm just that weird. The end.

I can't seem to find

I can't seem to find word of this on Google, but I have it on very good authority that Dave Eggers will have a column in SPIN Magazine beginning with the April issue.

Writing Is Easy, By Steve

Writing Is Easy, By Steve Martin (link via Productshopnyc)

Chris Ott reviews the new

Chris Ott reviews the new Cure box set, on Pitchfork. Chris also has a new book about Joy Division's Unknown Pleasures, for Continuum Book's 33 1/3 series. (Speaking of Pitchfork, I think I wanna ask the livestock-selling folks over at Pitchfork.com if I can start writing music reviews for their site.)

I Get All My Links

I Get All My Links From The Wicked: *Strokes Giveaway At Earlash *Really great Shins Interview, on Nerve

Body found in East River

Body found in East River could be Spalding Gray.

I have to get on

I have to get on the chinatown bus, but don't forget Asobi Seksu's cd release party at Sin-e tomorrow!

Cryptic Post of the Week

Cryptic Post of the Week or Okay I'll Sort of Mention It: *Should I start an advice column called "Ask a 'Bona Fide Gen X Williamsburg Hipster'?" *"I am Lindsay, Hear Me Barf" *"2 women"? Did I just get outed? *The picture is going on the fridge, but only to keep the fridge door closed. *That was three years ago. I've kissed a lot more people since then. (Fact check!) *(ugh.)

And I'll Be Clementine For

And I'll Be Clementine For Halloween '04 Earlier this week, I posted about how I was dying to see "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." I did see it last night. The following is a transcript of, well, basically the rest of the night: Ben, staring at the wall: "That movie..." Jay, pacing: "F**king amazing. f**king AMAZING!!" Ben: "If I had had anything to do with the making of that movie, I would be so f**king proud of myself." Me: "I haven't felt this way since American Beauty." Ben: "I've never felt this way about a movie before. Is it bad when the most meaningful romantic relationship you've had in seven years is with a movie?" Jay, taking shirt off, for some reason: "Why am I taking my shirt off? That movie was f**king amazing!" Then we wandered around the East Village in search of a bar with the appropriate music to match our mood (giddy, sixteen, natural-high, slight mania.) I'm not even worried about talking up the movie too much, because it's just not possible. I'll be seeing it again when it opens on March 19.

Birthday Party Hottness: Friday March

Birthday Party Hottness: Friday March 12 9 pm - on Siberia DJ: Melody Nelson (Three words: 50 drink tickets!)

Tonight's Literary Events: *Little Gray

Tonight's Literary Events: *Little Gray Books Lecture #25 Theme: "The Animals: Are They Our Enemies?" *The Happy Ending Reading Series including Colson Whitehead, and music by Gene Cawley. (I have a prior engagement and won't be able to attend either, but I'm linking to them, so it's like I'm attending, right?)

A Joke Inspired By Mick

A Joke Inspired By Mick Jagger: Q: What do you get for the man who has everything? A: Pennicillin

If you think you're a

If you think you're a hypochondriac, can you be wrong?

*

Tuesday, March 9, a week

Tuesday, March 9, a week from today: My birthday party at Piano's! Starts at 8, will go late. (I know a lot of my friends will be at Vicious) (Don't forget to bring your asses for me to slap!)

My dear friend, Whitney-Whitney-Quite-Contrary Pastorek,

My dear friend, Whitney-Whitney-Quite-Contrary Pastorek, has an essay in the Village Voice about how 'blogs are ruining her life. I think it's a very funny essay, but as the person who expected her to know my apartment burned down by reading my 'blog, which she admits to not reading, AND as someone who has used "but I linked to you!" as an excuse not to attend one of Whitney's seemingly twice-daily literary events, I say: the latter is my excuse for the former, and as I've said a thousand times: I do not like literary events. They make time stand still like it does in the dentist's chair. I LOVE it when Whitney reads, she's hilarious, it's just the five solemn-faced, serious, pretentious bores who share their 20-page stories about hunting in monotone that I have to sit through to get to her, that I can't stand (Note: I'm trying to remedy this.) Incidentally, Whitney is the Young Manhattanite Interview today, and I think hers is one of the best. She's really great. One of these days, I'm going to tell her that in person.

Tonight: a very Black Table

Tonight: a very Black Table Reading, in Brooklyn. Readers: Amy Blair, Eric Gillin, Will Leitch, and A.J. Daulerio, who, my sources tell me, will perform an amazing trick.

Okay, Average Joe finale HOTNESS!!!!

Okay, Average Joe finale HOTNESS!!!! Things I and friends speculated might be Larissa's Big Secret: *has a boyfriend *has a kid *really a man! *hermaphrodite Larissa's actual Big Secret: "I have to tell you something. My ex boyfriend...was...Fabio." And he left her! The "hunk" packed his bags and left their Cabo hotel after four days! But not before looking at the camera and saying "I think every guy in America will back me up on this. Fabio?"

"Nice to see you, too.

"Nice to see you, too. For the first time ever." Has anyone noticed that when you meet someone in the film or television business, they shake your hand and say "Nice to see you" instead of "Nice to meet you", even if it's definitely your first meeting? I read somewhere a long time ago that "nice to see you" is a Hollywood convention, a hedge against offending people you've already met. While I understand how hard it is to keep people straight when you meet new people all the time (this has been happening to me a lot lately), the "Nice to see you" trick backfires big time if the person in question knows what you're up to! Every time I shake someone's hand upon our first meeting and that person says "Nice to see you", the first thing I think is "I understand that they might have trouble remembering SOME people, but me? Surely they know that this is the first time they've met ME!" And, of course, everyone would think that about his or herself. So I think we should all start calling people on it. Next time you meet someone for the first time and they say "Nice to see you", roll your eyes and say "That's sooo L.A."

The Eternal Sunshine of the

The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Imagined Pitch Meeting: God: I just got a prayer from some chick named Lindsay. She wants us to make her new favorite movie ever. Producer: Okay, tell me what to make and we'll try to put it together. God: Okay, let's see...she wants it to be philosophical, with a sci-fi or supernatural element and a moral. Think Vanilla Sky, Being John Malkovich, American Beauty. She likes Kirsten Dunst and Kate Winslet, and she's madly in love with Mark Ruffalo. She thinks Charlie Kaufman is the best thing to happen to movies in a decade. Oh yeah, and she wants it to be about love, but not in the usual way movies are about love. She wants to learn something. Producer: It's a tall order, but we'll try... God: Oh, one more thing: if there's any way you could work in David Cross of Mr. Show? She's obsessed with that guy. Producer: Hmmm, okay... God: And put The Polyphonic Spree on the soundtrack? Producer: got it... God: Great. Producer: But, wait, shouldn't you be giving George W. Bush an inoperable tumor or ending world hunger right now? God: Relax, it's just a little gimmick for a little website. Producer: Okay, I'm on hold with David Cross's agent.

Eternal Sunshine links:
*The official site, with trailer.
*The fake promo site.
*An early review
*I don't know why anyone would read it now, but:The complete screenplay, by Charlie Kaufman

My computer has been down

My computer has been down for over a week. It's fixed now, but if I'd been around, here are some of the things I would have linked to: *"Chicken Soup" writer A.J. Daulerio tries to explain to his family what he does for a living. *Nick and Jessica's marriage advice book. Makes me wish I'd had a one-night-stand, just so I could say "I've had one-night-stands that were deeper than their marriage!" But I'll settle for "I've had spontaneous make-out sessions in the bathroom of Lit that were deeper than their marriage!" *Something's really brewing in Boston. But you don't have to take my word for it. The compilation in question, Tomorrow Never Happened: Songs From The Pill, hasn't left my stereo since I cracked it open. I'm as New York centric as anyone, but I've never regretted missing a show the way I regret missing this one. In the words of one Bostonian: "It was the night that everything came together. 24-Hour Party People kind of sh*t." *The Downtown Kings of post-everything karaoke, Sid and Buddy, have a new website. *The Black Table interviews Phantom Planet.